[sarahsweets]

I know this is long so please bear with me,

There is some history regarding my daughter and her issues (she is 20 and had a baby 4 months ago) but I don't want to bog down my thread if you all are sick of the same details. If anyone has questions please ask. Without reviewing things previous to now too much..,, she is a recovering addict and got together with another recovering addict boyfriend and they chose to have a baby. They did this even though they had no jobs, no homes and no money. She had a miscarriage in August of last year and went out and got pregnant right away. They live a few minutes away from me barely making it.

They are both young and immature. For example, the bf was working at wayfair and they were really good to him during the height of the pandemic and he got a part time job selling used cars in town. Well he decided to leave wayfair and do that full time getting paid under the table and getting a super low base line check that he just found out he has to pay his own taxes on.

I believe they have always had a codependent volatile relationship. I guess they have been together 1.5 years or so. On two other occasions she has called me up and come over with the baby because they have had a fight and he has threatened to take the baby. She had a good part time job at a pharmacy and managed to F that up because I believe she has it in her head that she can just stay at home and not work, and have this idea of a happy family.

On Sunday she called me hysterical and said she was coming over. When she got here she talked to me outside that she had tried yet again to ask for more help with the baby(she has mental health issues, the baby has reflux and hardly sleeps and she is exhausted). She has told me before that when she broaches this subject he implies that he works all the time and he deserves a break.

So she came over and told me she was talking about it and they were fighting. It escalated and he put his hands on her, pushing and shoving and tried to block her from leaving and threatened to take the baby. This is not a new thing per se but it may be the first time he has touched her. I was livid and sad but I controlled myself and was very calm. I asked her if she was breaking up and she said yes and I said we should go get some things from the apartment just enough for a few days until things settled. I told her we were not looking for any confrontations so we just waited while she loaded the car.

Her history with us has been nothing but chaos and she turned the house upside down. The baby was in my front room and she was on the couch and he is adorable but really fussy.
She knows this is not ok and not right and I don't believe its the first time. I didn't think it would last.
I was right because after a couple of days taking him to work and him constantly crying and whining and her feeling like a guest in our home she said she wanted to go home. She cant not be with a guy.

I would love it if she was mature enough to put herself and the baby first. So I told her ok, if that was what she wanted we were not going to F around like my house was a vacation get away. I watched the baby so she could shower and had her take her stuff back and then she picked up the baby said I love you and left. (her previous history involved running away in HS for three months and literally breaking her and her siblings' my husbands' hearts in addition to going to rehab etc). Our family therapist sees her separately and I texted her and she has a session wed previously set up. The therapist isn't going to say she knows anything because it wouldn't help the situation but at least she knows.

I controlled my temper and emotions extremely well. I want to kill this boy and so does my husband. He is not some big hulking dude he is a manipulative little ***** who is scaring her because she is coedependent. It doesnt matter. Abuse is abuse.

I pretend to be ok with him but I don't hardly have to interact with him which is good. He never finished hs (and I know plenty of people that have done fine not finishing or getting their GED) he says he wants to GED, wants his license back and had a juvenile record that may or may not include something on his adult record but has spent time in jail. (again, I have brought AA into jails that isnt my issue, my issue is that he thinks he is doing enough).

This is all terrible. She also has some post p depression that I think combined with no sleep is troubling. She has BP and has never been compliant with treatment. I had to make her leave the room when she was trying to get the baby to sleep because she was sounding so desperate. My grandson loves me- like LOVES me, loves that I sing to him and settle him and in her state of mind I worry she is jealous. She makes comments that he likes me more than her and I know that isnt the issue, babies can sense stress, nerves and discord plus as a mom-mom for me, its a different situation.

I told her she should get him to commit to long term therapy and I actually found a psyche that would see her and she agreed that maybe she should consider medication, so those two things are positive. And they are both still sober. I know I am helpless and there is nothing I can do. My grandson is not being abused or harmed so I will not take the baby away nor is that my right. I will not get CPS involved unless its dire because here they automatically put the child in foster care before the family and it really isnt about his care i mean it is, but isnt you know?

I am treading lightly because the grandson is my priority. I dont want to lose that opportunity or connection should anything beyond this come up. She has therapy today so I am watching him and her sister has it tomorrow and husband and I have it next week. The therapist is totally on board with how we feel but she is also really really good and has developed rapport with her as well.

Not to mention that my son who is 24 works from home and is applying to law school, my other daughter is in virtual school and the trauma she caused as all seems to repeat itself every time her hurricane comes into play.

I suppose I am just venting/complaining because I know the right answers. I am just so tired of being disappointed with her choices and her always F-ing up. Like who raised her to be this way? What traumas has she had that would mold her to accept this treatment? Why do I let her hijack my time and life? We did tough love when she ran away and when she showed up on the doorstep we sent her right to rehab and she hasnt lived with us since. She has temporarily stayed with us but she has never really repaired or addressed the trauma she caused us.

Thanks all for listening/advice/support and comments.

[Have Hope]

Hey Sarah, what a challenging and emotionally tough situation you face with your daughter! I'm so sorry. You're doing great and are taking all the right steps. The one thing I can say is I would be concerned about the abuse escalating to something worse. Since he's pushed her and has threatened her, he could do worse next time. It is very concerning that she chooses to continue to live with him, despite this fact. As her mother, I understand why you would allow her to make her own choices. I would personally have conversations with your daughter about the physical abuse to warn her that it could get worse, and that if it does, she needs to make a backup plan. If she cannot live with you, she can live in a shelter. I know, that's not ideal, but she needs a plan. It does not sound like a healthy situation at all and it likely could get worse. Just my two cents! Hopefully the family therapist will be helpful too. Hugs to you.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you are so challenged with your daughter and now her baby @sarahsweets. From what you have shared it sounds like your daughter tends to respond with "flight" when things get challenging for her. She is still very young at only 20 years old and doesn't know how to problem solve for herself. She sounds like she also has very low self esteem too. And this guy that she is with sounds like he just aggrivates that to a point where your daughter needs to flee from him.

You mentioned that cymbalta was a life saver for you, perhaps it might also help your daughter too?

It's a challenge when our children are considered adults and can make their own choices. At this point all you can do is your best to help her when she reaches out to you.

[WastingAsparagus]

I have honestly probably caused my parents some of the same kind of hurt. I am younger but have had a lot of mental health issues over the years. I know it seems like there's not much you can do to right the situation at least right away. What really helped me get better was having the right professionals involved who really understood me. Like if it weren't for my psychiatrist right now I would not be the same person I am today. I am not saying you don't have the right professionals involved, just saying that is what helped me. And feeling like I could get my **** together was a major factor in my recovery. I still had missteps -- I still have many missteps right now -- but at least I'm not making the same mistakes over and over (or maybe I am). Whenever I try to empathize with someone, I try to put myself in their shoes, but it's tough sometimes. Anyway, I think the point of me making this post is that I probably caused my parents a lot of similar anguish. Is there anyone besides the boyfriend who is her contemporary who she talks to / hangs out with? Sometimes having more friends and more people to hang out with can help. Just one thought I had. Just the thought that sometimes more perspectives on things can help people out of a tough time. Just the same as asking for support on a forum like this, honestly. I mean people need multiple perspectives to make good decisions, I am convinced.

[seesaw]

Hi Sarah,

Reading your story was like watching an episode of Intervention, and quite frankly I had the same thought. I think you need to lay down boundaries. You started to when you said my home is not a vacation house. I also wonder if she's playing on your sympathy. Did he really put his hands on her? I am not victim blaming, I'm just questioning because of her history of behavior. Maybe I'm totally wrong, just wanting to put it out there that it seems like she's just manipulating you in every way to get whatever she wants. You have two other kids to launch into life. I know it's hard, but I think if she "breaks up" with him, then she needs to find her own place to stay. Plenty of people have to coordinate a break up and move out. She is putting your other children at risk and traumatizing them with her behavior. I feel 100% for her and her own struggle, but she has to take ownership of it too.

I know you're in a hard situation because you want your grandson to be safe. But you are sort of enabling her by always giving her somewhere to go. And of course parents should be there for their kids, but there are also boundaries where they have to establish that the child is also an adult now and has to be responsible for themselves. She has put you in a position to have to tell her no.

[TunedOut]

I am glad your grandson has you in his life to provide him love and stability. Thank goodness he has access to grandparents who model behaviors that are different than his parents. I think about my grandmother (long gone) all of the time and feel like I am more like her in many ways than my own mother. It must be very hard to see your daughter make so many bad choices but all the heartache and worry is for his sake. Hang in there. I hope your love gets through to your daughter but if it doesn't, it is helping your grandson.

What about registering your daughter and her boyfriend in a local community parenting class? Perhaps if they're surrounded by other young parents, they'll find community and support amongst their peers. And the instructor would take over your role, and hold them accountable in a way that teaches them how to hold themselves accountable instead of constantly running to you all the time, which must stress you out immensely.

So, I would suggest the structure and community of a parenting class for them. That will help them get back on track hopefully. And, if your daughter had a social worker she had to report to every week. That would force her to take her role as a full-time mom more seriously? Maybe? You can get a social worker involved by contacting nonprofit agencies that help young parents in these situations.

Parenting Programs | Family Nurturing Center

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/...young-parents/

https://www.urban.org/sites/default/..._parents_1.pdf

Parent Education & Support - FamilyWise

Resources for Young People Who Are Pregnant/Parenting | Healthy Teen Network

[sarahsweets]

Thanks for sharing you story. I was able to find a psychiatrist for her. The therapist told me about this...I dont know if its a center or treatment group but they take our insurance. She seems willing to give it a go. I had her set up with an intake appt which she went to and she has the doctor appointment on the 21st. As far as friends I think she literally does not have any. She has always gotten with a guy and dropped her friends. Since she was 16 it was like that.

We were talking a couple of weeks ago and I told her she needs to work on getting some friends. She briefly started hanging out with a 16 year old girl a month ago and my younger daughter Ella told me that the girl was bad news. Becca (Im just using their names now because its easier) Always gets super intense. She gets a friend and in days they are best friends. Ella told me this girl was unstable and always creating drama but I didnt say anything. Well it went south. The girl started getting possessive and a little crazy and in no time it was chaos and then stopped like a tornado leaving the area. She gets a guy, gets codependent and drops her friends. She belongs to mom groups and i am encouraging her to try and make friends that way.

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

I have honestly probably caused my parents some of the same kind of hurt. I am younger but have had a lot of mental health issues over the years. I know it seems like there's not much you can do to right the situation at least right away. What really helped me get better was having the right professionals involved who really understood me. Like if it weren't for my psychiatrist right now I would not be the same person I am today. I am not saying you don't have the right professionals involved, just saying that is what helped me. And feeling like I could get my **** together was a major factor in my recovery. I still had missteps -- I still have many missteps right now -- but at least I'm not making the same mistakes over and over (or maybe I am). Whenever I try to empathize with someone, I try to put myself in their shoes, but it's tough sometimes. Anyway, I think the point of me making this post is that I probably caused my parents a lot of similar anguish. Is there anyone besides the boyfriend who is her contemporary who she talks to / hangs out with? Sometimes having more friends and more people to hang out with can help. Just one thought I had. Just the thought that sometimes more perspectives on things can help people out of a tough time. Just the same as asking for support on a forum like this, honestly. I mean people need multiple perspectives to make good decisions, I am convinced.

[Prycejosh1987]

I wish you all the best. Problems will come to everyone. Even family problems are common nowadays. The biggest word we need in complicity, is patience. You need to be a guide for those under you. People will mess up from time to time. Keep a level head, and focus on what is best for the relationships. Tough love is good but it depends on how you give it. It is a double sided coin. On one hand you are getting the point across fast, but on the other hand it could make her see you as a problem. In any case i wish you all the best.