Significant other's sister and niece are racist

Oh absolutely ignorant people can educate themselves on the matter. Yes they can be educated. That’s why it is important to not deny the reality of racism or other bigotry and not muddy the water, but instead continue educating people on reality of the issue

This is an old thread and hopefully OP got that issue resolved one way of the other

Me and you have the same thoughts on the matter

That's what I focused on because if the parent is only 30's it's gotta be the niece is probably a young teen or even younger. So that's the one person the OP is talking about. You "can" interact with younger ones in a way that can enlighten and empower instead of putting them on the sudden defensive where they complain to the parent who is now on the defensive that ends up making a mess.

Actually, my post was pretty much about "ignorance" and how to respond to it. I just thought about the niece and all the work I did with younger children and all the ignorance I experienced.

I just dont understand why a negative experience or two or three where someone who is black said something regarding white people can somehow be similar to systematic racism. That kind of experience may color an individual's perspective but it has nothing to do with the years and years of mistreatment of black and brown people and the lack of opportunity afforded to them. The violence, income inequality, lack of job growth, equal pay and overall day to day living of these margionalized people is not the same as someone who had an isolated experience with one or two people over the course of their life.

Here as interesting article with a list of some common things some people say in response to discussion about racism (author calls it detouring). We all heard things like that. It’s a bit outdated as it’s from 20 years back but the main idea is applicable to 2020

https://www.racialequitytools.org/re...iles/olson.pdf

Thank you for the link. In currently educating myself.

OE, I don't want to invalidate you or your experiences. I've had bad experiences with black people treating me poorly and hurting me - two were men I dated and one was a complete stranger. Though truthfully, your post was quite ling and I was not able to read it all. I do think young ppl are more immature and they can learn. We all can. I'm also of the school of thought that racism is white discrimination against ppl of other races. Doesn't make it ok for ppl of any race though, to treat someone badly.

To all: I am educating myself on racism now but it took me a while to get there bc of those personal experiences and also I just didn't get it. I'm now listening. Imo, that doesn't make it ok for ppl of any color to treat ppl badly. At the same time, for example, a black woman doesn't owe me friendliness just bc I'm friendly with her on the street. Just like I don't owe anyone a smile because "I'm prettier when I smile." (Side eye, men, and some women actually).

I see a lot of intersectionality in these issues with my own. I may be white but I'm also disabled, with a psychiatric diagnosis, a woman, unemployed, single. Some of these things will change - I'm looking for employment and going to school. Most won't.

I need to learn more about systemic racism. Someone once told me it has nothing to do with interpersonal interaction, but the way the system is set up.

Thanks for the link again, divine.

Also the nature of privilege, is that the ppl in privilege are blind to the discrimination they are participating in and the privilege they have. I want to learn about racism because its only fair: its infuriating and upsetting that male trolls don't acknowledge the patriarchy, ppl don't get why I feel so discriminated against and looked down on for being unemployed, ppl don't see it. Well, ppl of color are saying "this is happening, " I think I owe it to them to learn about it and listen. It doesn't make the men who hurt me suddenly good people who aren't liars and abusers who I now have to give the time of day. But It doesn't mean the whole race is that way either.

Yes woven personal experiences can cloud people’s perception, and it’s understandable to a degree. But still bad experience in some interaction with someone and systematic racism is just not the same thing. If you are stopped by police every time you drive through a particular neighborhood (and you don’t violate rules, you just happen to be back) is not the same thing as white person got scared of a guy in a dark alley and he happened to be black. First case is systematic racism and second is unfortunate isolated incident. Being treated badly by someone also isn’t the same as systematic prejudice.

Discrimination and running into a rude person is just not the same thing.

And it’s understandable that people just don’t know or people of older generations were just taught this way and now it’s hard to unlearn. Heck my dad only now starting to grasp that homosexuals didn’t choose who they are but we’re born like this as same as heterosexuals. Took him time to learn as he is in his 80s.

Some people of previous generations were also taught to be scared of others,. Of blacks or Latino or gays or Muslims (that’s sadly a common thing now). Fear doesn’t help the case. But people can learn, Its never too late. As long as they are open to it

I did not say that being treated badly by someone is the same thing as systematic racism.

I agree that ppl can learn and its never too late.

Of course you didn’t. Just a general comment. Sadly in a conversation about racism people often bring up examples of bad situations they ran into it and they equate the two. That’s what detouring and deflection is. Like black person being scared to drive through particular neighborhood because they are stopped every time because they are black isn’t the same as white person scared to drive through black neighborhood because they are scared of black people (yes many are scared, silly if you ask me). Just example of people confused about what’s what.

I actually think young people and younger generations in general are much less likely to be racists because they grow up in different times. I rarely run into young racists or bigots as they are being taught differently now. I run more into older generations being stuck in outdated thinking.

I do get that it takes time. Like if you look at people who support gay marriage now and they didn’t think it’s right just 10 years ago. People learn and many embrace change in society’s collective thinking

Thank you for clarifying!

@WovenGalaxy, as I mentioned to BethRags, my focus went to the age of the niece and how that niece has said things on Facebook that the OP found to be very offensive.

It's important to consider the level of maturity and how niave that niece still is. That's something I spent a lot of time doing in my life, not only with my own child but so many other children I not only taught but experienced them in other ways constantly. Actually, the responses I got pretty much proved my point in a round about way. Especially "if you were poor ....." again nothing to do with what I was talking about.

My one regret about my post was posting it due to the interuption I experienced while writing it that affected how my post came out. In retrospect given the kind of interuption I experienced, I should have saved what I wrote and waited until the experience I had from the interuption calmed down so I could focus more on what I was trying to share in my post. One thing that was constant in what I did was always considering maturity level in my students and other groups of children I worked with. One thing I learned is how so many adults do not consider that and because of that it can have a negative affect on a child or young teen.

I had a young and very niave teen that I was having help me as a working student as I mentioned. I brought her with me to a job and I did not expect to experience what I experienced. It was certainly not the norm for me with what happened. I was not even quite sure how to best handle it myself because of how it came up as such a surprise to me. This black woman expecting me to provide rides to her two teenagers that were way too big, responded so badly to me despite the fact that I was nice and explained why. The woman came at me, got right in my face, even spooked my pony and began threatening me and she did say "Now that Obama is president you white people are going to be punished!!!". I honestly thought she was going to attack me and so did this young niave student. And none of the others who were also black would help me either. That too scared my student and yet I managed to slowly defuse this challenge and exit. I got the ponies loaded on the trailer and my student safely in my truck. My student was crying and shaking and it was obvious she was traumatized. All the way home I had to talk to her and get her to calm down. And she did ask me, "is that true, is Obama going to punish me?". We have to think of MATURITY LEVEL. Having a discussion about racism, bigotry, disenfrancisement with this immature clearly traumatized young student was not going to calm her down and in fact may instead contribute to her being more frightened. My concern was helping this young student feel safe and to also explain to her that what the one black woman, this one experience did not mean this is what happens when you come with me to a gathering of African Americans. I also wanted her to not think Obama was going to somehow punish her like this woman said.

Our young teen's maturity level is very impressionable and how we as adults react to them is important. Teens notoriously say things they do not quite understand, they pick up things and repeat them often not even really realizing what they say is bad or wrong. And yes, they can hear adults say things they repeat not even realizing what they are repeating is bad or wrong too. As an adult if we see this there are ways to educate and inspire instead of condeming and putting a young teen on the defensive. For example, this adult Black woman statement could have encouraged my student to repeat that statement, which as I meant I had to defuse and hope I did that effectively.

I was fortunate in that when I was young my mother began explaining things to me, I was a child when Martian Luther King was still alive and gave his speeches. And my mother did talk about how blacks were treated badly because of their color and how that was wrong and mean. I would have to say that my take away from that was more of how blacks might look at me as one of those people that wasn't nice. However, that is reflecting the time I grew up in which was the 50's and 60's and early 70's. Also, a lot depends on where someone grows up as well. I never expected to actually experience that so many years later and more than once.

I was about 24 which is still quite young and I did meet and was friendly with an African American man at a place I worked, I have talked about this before. I referred an account to him and to my shock I ended up getting reemed out by the customer for refering a black man. I remember feeling horrible, and embarrassed because of how that white business owner reacted towards this nice black man. At that time there was still an effort to segregate. And desegrigation was limited and it was clear from what I witnessed the sentiment was "ok, but don't bring it to me". It was not a black man that treated me terribly, but a white businessman. I felt stuck in the middle of what I was going to say to this black man that I really liked and was a very nice man. After all, we can't suddenly have a jungle right? It was resoundingly clear to me in this experience where one nice black man was going to be unwelcomed for fear of that happening. So, while there is still problems today, it is not as bad as it had been in the late 70's and early 80's. However, a lot depends on where someone is living. I have to admit that in my state there are some places I don't go because the crime rate is high and drive by shootings and gangs are a problem and it isn't even safe for children to be out sadly.

Personally, I think what a young teen is more about is the fear factor along with lack of exposure which is what this working student was dealing with. I did not want that experience to affect her opinion and I do not know if that traumatic experience still affects her opinion. If only she had had a chance to experience how it's really not something all people of color feel or behave like.

Anyway, my concern was about the young niece in this scenario and lack of maturity that can be addressed better than showing anger. That's what I wanted to address the most. I understand the anger the OP was expressing, been there myself yet, often even though angered and even triggered as I noticed the OP also struggles with PTSD, stepping back and considering the maturity level can prove to bring about better options. That can be more challenging when struggling with PTSD. I have to constantly work on that myself.

From the op

Quote:

She decided to sic her mother on me - by having her email my s/o. This woman is in her 30's and has children.

The OP hasn't answered about the age of the niece, but I interpret what I quoted that the niece is in her 30's with kids.

Oh, thank you Liz, I thought she was refering to the mother being in her thirties and should be more mature. The OP never came back to clarify that.

I thought the OP's SO's sister was in her thirties with children and it was her daughter.

I agree, I noticed a lot of older people do this, often in their mid to late seventies. Don't realize things they say can be seen as racist and they detour and deflect. Have noticed that a lot just this past year in a big way.

Closed for administrative discussion.