[Julielynn1990]

Hi all! I'm very new to posting and joining forums. I'm not much of a joiner in general, but I feel that has to change. I just need to feel like someone understand with I'm going thru.

My husband of 23 years (together on and off for 33)has been acting strange lately. He's lost a lot of weight in the past year, and it seemed to change his personality. I had a bad feeling, so this past Tuesday I decided to confront him. Worst fear realized, he wants to separate for a month to think things through. I didn't see this coming, but as I have been more honest with myself, I haven't been happy either. I also got him to admit he's communicating with another woman he met on Facebook. Don't know how long this has been going on and didn't ask. He also said he hates his job among other things. If you looked up midlife crisis, his picture would be there down to even looking at sport cars!

I'm just so heartbroken and scared. I don't work for reasons and he makes all the money. I just don't have a good feeling about this, and frankly after all this I don't know if I want to reconnect. I guess I'm just looking for someplace to belong and talk to others who are going through the same thing. Trying to find people who understand.

Thanks

[Open Eyes]

Hi Julielynn welcome to PC. Sorry you are experiencing how your husband is probably going through a mid life crisis. Please know this isn’t your fault and something he feels is missing in himself.

It sounds like you are not all that happy yourself. Perhaps it’s time to evaluate your own life and what is missing for you. Maybe your relationship is lacking for you.

[Julielynn1990]

Thank you for your kindness. You are absolutely right. i thought I was okay, but then he blindsided me. At first, i just worried about getting him back. Now I actually think do I even want him back. I'm scheduled to start therapy to see what I want. I hope to get at least 2 sessions in before Our Talk. Its hard because I have big time trust issues and he was the one person I trusted completely, and he does this. I don't know if I can get over this betrayal. I don't have many people in my life so thanks for listening!

[WovenGalaxy]

Welcome to PC JulieLynn.

[Open Eyes]

You can get over this betrayl if you step back from being blindsided and instead see where your husband is in his life and how this is mostly about him and not necessarily anything you did wrong. Your husband is not happy in his job, and he is realizing that he is now aging and this typically happens when someone is in their 50's. At this time one is realizing they are not young anymore with options, at least that's how they feel and some really feel frustrated and they think "what can I do to somehow be younger?". Even women can have their own mid life crisis too. Even women can see their partner as weighing them down and they may long for that time where they were younger and had more of a sense of freedom. Even maybe a woman is at a point where she wants something "different" but doesn't quite know what.

Your husband asked to separate so he can think, but often this is more about being able to experience a sense of freedom itself. Again, this isn't so much about their partner, but more about themselves. Also, often it's not about wanting another woman either, but instead an effort to have some free choices before the clock runs out so to speak. In some respects it's running from the fact that time flew by and now one is, almost if all of a sudden, turning senior.

There is a movie with Jack Nicolson and Diane Keaton called "Something's Gotta Give" and there are poinient things discussed in that movie about being older that is very thought provoking. In a way these two individuals had to accept certain things about themselves and where they were in life.

It can definitely come as a shock to experience this challenging period with a spouse one thought was a soul mate and someone who could be trusted. Yet, as I mentioned, it can also be a point where even you may be stepping back yourself and evaluating if YOU are happy with how YOUR life is.

A few years back I came across a story about a man who was a bus driver that drove the same route day in and day out for several years. Then one day he was driving his route and chose to change his route and he drove from the northeast all the way to Florida. He was not planning on doing something bad, not kidnapping anyone or even stealing the bus. Instead, he just decided to change that daily rut of constantly driving the same route. When he did that it shocked people, they did not know WHAT to think and they did not even know where he took that bus or even why. Actually, perhaps what he did was part of his own sort of mid life crisis and perhaps even he did not realize that either.

No one likes change forced on them. So it's very reasonable that you are feeling fearful. YET, you are also stepping back and realizing how you are not so happy yourself. You can separate from each other and step back and think about your lives. This doesn't mean you should be enemies either. And I don't think it's about another woman either, I think it has more to due with him being tired of driving that same route day in and day out, and perhaps you are discovering you also feel that way too.

[Open Eyes]

Since I posted what I did above you have shared more. I don't want to seem like I am taking your situation lightly. It sounds like you are discovering things that took place sooner than you realized. He did not just interact but he spent time with a woman. Sounds like you don't know yet if he was also intimate. Unfortunately, men can be persuaded into engaging easier than most women.

The key is moving forward "smart" and not just based on emotions and that can be hard. You have much to think about. It's not just about you either, but your children as well.

You also added that he is distancing and that's a challenge in that he may spend time with someone else and think about SELF and do some selfish things. This is hard, but as I mentioned, it's important to proceed forward "smart" and not solely by emotions. From what you have shared, I think that is what you want to do.

[Julielynn1990]

You are 100% correct!!! Im trying to think about what I want out of this. I'm worried about my kids and how this will affect them. Im trying not to rush into anything because I need time to think too. He did say the old "its not you, its me" and i kinda believe it because right now he is a walking talking cliche! im hoping to have some more clarity when I start therapy. I know I have my own issues to work out.

Thanks to everyone who has responded to me ! I dont feel all alone and I feel understood! I have to see him tonight at my youngest game so Im sure I'll be on later! I really need space right now and hes finally giving it, so it seems.

[Julielynn1990]

Wow! Thats how I feel hes been. I think its been going on longer than I noticed because I'm going through my own stuff. But thats his problem, not mine

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Julielynn1990

Hi all! I'm very new to posting and joining forums. I'm not much of a joiner in general, but I feel that has to change. I just need to feel like someone understand with I'm going thru.

My husband of 23 years (together on and off for 33)has been acting strange lately. He's lost a lot of weight in the past year, and it seemed to change his personality. I had a bad feeling, so this past Tuesday I decided to confront him. Worst fear realized, he wants to separate for a month to think things through. I didn't see this coming, but as I have been more honest with myself, I haven't been happy either. I also got him to admit he's communicating with another woman he met on Facebook. Don't know how long this has been going on and didn't ask. He also said he hates his job among other things. If you looked up midlife crisis, his picture would be there down to even looking at sport cars!

I'm just so heartbroken and scared. I don't work for reasons and he makes all the money. I just don't have a good feeling about this, and frankly after all this I don't know if I want to reconnect. I guess I'm just looking for someplace to belong and talk to others who are going through the same thing. Trying to find people who understand.

Thanks

Welcome to pc, Julielynn1990, I'm glad you found us here

[Julielynn1990]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Welcome to pc, Julielynn1990, I'm glad you found us here

Me too!

[Prycejosh1987]

When marriage has a void that starts to get better, it causes more problems. It takes time to develop a good relationship. Be honest with him and what you want.