Husband says I suck at nurturing, and that it's "natural" for women

songbird2213 · Oct 19, 2020, 09:30 AM

I really have no idea what I'm supposed to do - admittedly, I'm not a natural empath, and I'm the worst at knowing how to be married much less being nurturing (though I thought I was getting better at it).

I listen to him when he talks about something that bothers him. I acknowledge his feelings. I sit with him, touch his arm or hold his hand.

He says he cooks more than me which is true, but only because he works at home and I don't, and he always cooks during the day so I really only cook on weekends (what am I supposed to do there, double-cook for the day?).

He says I don't comfort, that he's better at comforting himself than I am at comforting him. He says being nurturing is natural for a woman and that I should "just do it." I have no reference points as my parents were/are awful with each other and were the worst at parenting.

What am I missing?

Molinit · Oct 19, 2020, 11:24 AM

YOU aren't "missing" anything. It is not your job to "nurture" an adult person and you are not his mother. Tell him perhaps he needs a different wife and you will find someone more suited for you.

You are NOT his parent and do not need to nurture him. His mother should have done that and taught him how to comfort himself. If he can't, then he needs to talk to her.

I would also tell him I'm going directly into counseling to learn how to nurture him, but I really would discuss the fact that my husband is gaslighting me and trying to make me feel that I am "less than" because his childish need to be nurtured isn't being met. And also to make a plan to get out of this marriage.

songbird2213 · Oct 19, 2020, 01:36 PM

Thanks for the reply. It does make me feel like he'd be better off without me.

Bill3 · Oct 19, 2020, 02:52 PM

Quote:

What am I missing?

A sufficiently mature husband?

I don't see anything wrong with the cooking arrangements.

I agree with molinit, he is making you feel "less than". You are not less than!

Have Hope · Oct 19, 2020, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by songbird2213

I listen to him when he talks about something that bothers him. I acknowledge his feelings. I sit with him, touch his arm or hold his hand.

What more are you supposed to do? Rock him to sleep at night and sing him a lullaby?

He sounds very immature as though he wants a mother rather than a wife. You do plenty to comfort him - all the things that anyone would do to comfort their partner.

He has the problem in my opinion, not you. If he really feels you need to do more, he needs a therapist to work out his mommy issues.

MsLady · Oct 20, 2020, 12:44 AM

I don't think there's anything wrong with the dinner scenario, either.

What stands out to me is how you describe yourself. You say you're not a natural empath an you're the worst at knowing how to be married.. most likely due to your own dysfunctional upbringing.

I do think one can take all the "proper steps" and still fail to comfort someone because it's not intuitive. They can sound like they're rehearsing a script and are not being authentic. Could this be true for you?

As far as nurturing goes, I think there are different levels.. in adult terms, one can be nurturing by being present, affectionate, understanding, and supportive.. in a very different way than how you would treat a child.

How does he comfort himself that works? What are your attachment styles.. because that could say a lot.

To me, it sounds like his needs are not being met and we, as adults, have needs, too. I'd suggest going to therapy with him and see if there's something you can both work on for each other.

sarahsweets · Oct 20, 2020, 06:06 AM

How long have you been married?

Rive. · Oct 20, 2020, 08:57 AM

What you are 'missing' is that his comment is very sexist and that he is behaving like a whiny brat.

Does he want a wife or does he need a mother? If the latter, he really ought to get his issues sorted like an adult. He seems very immature - expecting all his needs (e.g. cooking, cleaning, mothering him) to be met by you.

If you are working and he is at home, the least he could do is pull his weight and take care of the housekeeping etc. There is nothing wrong with that. But again, he seems to want you to do everything and take care of him.

Molinit · Oct 20, 2020, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by songbird2213

Thanks for the reply. It does make me feel like he'd be better off without me.

Reverse the sentence - YOU would be better off without HIM.

MsLady · Oct 20, 2020, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

What you are 'missing' is that his comment is very sexist..

I agree.

Quote:

He seems very immature - expecting all his needs (e.g. cooking, cleaning, mothering him) to be met by you.

I'm not sure where this information is coming from. The post talked about concerns with making dinner and nurturing.

Quote:

If you are working and he is at home, the least he could do is pull his weight and take care of the housekeeping etc. There is nothing wrong with that. But again, he seems to want you to do everything and take care of him.

I think he has been (making dinners, at least). Was there another thread about this? I'm confused.

Songbird, can you come up with a dinner schedule so he's not cooking 5/7 days in the week? If he knows you'll be cooking that day, he won't start during the day while you're at work. I'm not sure what your work schedule is like. For example, if you're not home until 6pm, it wouldn't make sense for you to start cooking dinner at that time.

RoxanneToto · Oct 20, 2020, 12:35 PM

I agree it’s sexist to assume women are nurturing by nature - as MsLady said upthread, I personally feel like I’m reading from a script or something when I try to be “nurturing”. It just doesn’t feel intuitive for me. I’ve also met more than one man who I’d describe as way more affectionate and nurturing than the average woman!
Your husband might not *feel* nurtured, but I think from what you wrote you’re trying your best in that regard.
While I also agree it’s not your job to meet all his needs, there does need to be a degree of compromise, or give and take from both sides in a marriage, so maybe he could explain exactly what he needs/wants, instead of just saying “you suck at this” and expecting you to get better “just cos”.

Fuzzybear · Oct 23, 2020, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

A sufficiently mature husband?

I don't see anything wrong with the cooking arrangements.

I agree with molinit, he is making you feel "less than". You are not less than!

I agree, what you are missing is... a sufficiently mature husband. (imho)

The cooking arrangements sound fine to me.

You are NOT ''less than''

luvyrself · Oct 24, 2020, 01:28 AM

He has to describe what he wants: more hugs and kisses, more suggestions when he is hurting., what? More asking about his day, talking about his interests? Id be thrilled if someone held my hand and listened. Who does he know/has known or has seen on TV that gives the kind of nurturing he wants(I know TV is fiction, but this might give you some idea of what he means) He might be having problems with how it feels to be home when youre out working. Sometimes the person at home feels like they are missing out with such an isolated role. Maybe he needs to get a different job. You could ask him how he feels about his job/his role. The cooking thing is tough. It's a big job. Maybe you could do the grocery shopping. Who does these other household chores? Just cooking isnt that bad. Does it interfere with his work? Buck up, mister!

continuosly blue · Oct 24, 2020, 03:36 AM

I think you need to read between the lines.
How is your sex life ? He probably is not coming out
with his needs directly. A lot of woman today have lost their
"femininity", especially if they work outside the home.
He doesn't need a "mother" , he probably is just looking
for more "sexual affection" from his wife.
Just a thought.

luvyrself · Nov 01, 2020, 03:37 AM

I thought women would be furious that cb said women lose their femininity when they work.
I also worry about the implication from cb that he doesnt need to ask for what he wants.
sure thing, he might want more sex. she might often be tired trying to do so much.
They really need to talk this out. Often people need to be more innovative in handling a complicated life.

lizardlady · Nov 01, 2020, 08:57 AM

To the OP - your husband's belief that woman just know how to nurture is wrong. I've known woman who sucked at nurturing while knowing men who are excellent at it. You said he told you he feels you do not comfort him the way he wants. How about asking what he needs from you to be comforted?
As for cooking, personally, I think the way you are handling it now makes sense. Have the two of you discussed how else you could handle it?

To those who mentioned the husband is home all day. The OP said he is working from home. As someone who worked from home most of my life and am back to it because of Covid, just because a person it at home does not mean they have more time for household chores. That person is still working 8 hours a day.

To ContinuouslyBlue - I'm scratching my head over why you think this has anything with their sex life! As for women being less feminine because they work, what an insulting, sexist comment!

Rive. · Nov 01, 2020, 11:09 AM

Quote:

I think you need to read between the lines. How is your sex life ? He probably is not coming out with his needs directly. A lot of woman today have lost their "femininity", especially if they work outside the home. He doesn't need a "mother" , he probably is just looking for more "sexual affection" from his wife. Just a thought.

I am baffled by this post.

Why should the OP read between the lines? If her husband needs 'sexual affection' he is adult enough to speak his needs, no? I mean, he is critical of everything else. Why make assumptions as to what he meant or what he want(s)?

If he wanted sexual affection he would not complain about the OP not being "nurturing". He seems to want his needs met and his wife is not there to satisfy these needs. This is not adult, mature, behaviour.

I won't comment on the narrow-minded view of women not being feminine when/if they work. I don't subscribe to the neanderthal notion that women ought to be 'barefoot and pregnant' and cater to their male counterparts' needs.

divine1966 · Nov 01, 2020, 12:01 PM

Most women work, all over the world, even when they stay home when children are very young they return to their careers when kids start school. I don’t see them losing femininity. I know very few women who stay home. If they are the only “feminine” ones, so be it.

Who made the rule that women’s place is at home? It’s like saying that’s all they are capable for: staying home.

That’s so weird to hear. My great grandmother had a career outside of home in 1920s. So now 100 years later in 2020 people say that woman’s place is in a kitchen if she wants to be “feminine”. My mom was born in 1945 and was an engineer. She was very feminine. This is so goofy

That’s just something else

I also think is wrong assuming men are less nurturing than women. My husband is in a caring profession and is the most nurturing at work and at home. My future son in law is a very nurturing man

These gender stereotypes are so outdated, that’s funny

Molinit · Nov 01, 2020, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvyrself

I thought women would be furious that cb said women lose their femininity when they work.
I also worry about the implication from cb that he doesnt need to ask for what he wants.
sure thing, he might want more sex. she might often be tired trying to do so much.
They really need to talk this out. Often people need to be more innovative in handling a complicated life.

CB's "thoughts" are not even worth responding to, which is why nobody did. I took it as being trollish so left it alone.

divine1966 · Nov 01, 2020, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Molinit

CB's "thoughts" are not even worth responding to, which is why nobody did. I took it as being trollish so left it alone.

I’ve met people irl and online who have such outdated backwards archaic views on life and world that it’s hard to believe it’s for real. Yet sadly it is.

Prycejosh1987 · Nov 11, 2020, 12:47 PM

I think you may need to have sex with him, and be more touchy with him. As in hugs and kisses. "Honey hows your day", is seen in films but that works a lot. Relationships are not perfect but they can at least be very good. At least he is honest with you. You simply need to ask him what you can do to improve on it.

sarahsweets · Nov 13, 2020, 03:14 AM

Hey@Prycejosh:

Quote:

I think you may need to have sex with him, and be more touchy with him. As in hugs and kisses. "Honey hows your day", is seen in films but that works a lot. Relationships are not perfect but they can at least be very good. At least he is honest with you. You simply need to ask him what you can do to improve on it.

How is it her responsibility to have sex with him to solve this issue? He already has views about women that he should reconsider. Thats on him. I do not think the OP needs to have sex with him to appease an outdated ideal.

divine1966 · Nov 13, 2020, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

I think you may need to have sex with him, and be more touchy with him. As in hugs and kisses. "Honey hows your day", is seen in films but that works a lot. Relationships are not perfect but they can at least be very good. At least he is honest with you. You simply need to ask him what you can do to improve on it.

I don’t think every issue could be solved by having sex

herbal tea · Nov 13, 2020, 07:47 AM

It seems to me that your husband wants to change you, but it's wrong. No one can demand from their partner that he should change his character, his desires, his vision of life. Didn't he see what you were like when he started a relationship with you?
It seems to me that he needs a mother, not a wife.
And at the expense of cooking, it's all nonsense. Is it so important in life? It seems to me that it is reasonable that someone who has the opportunity to cook cooks it. And if he also does not want to cook, then order food delivery.
I think he split hairs.

Prycejosh1987 · Dec 10, 2020, 11:27 AM

Good marriages happen when the two people work at it and support each other and love each other unconditionally.

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