Emotions in relationships.

Hi,

So I asked one of my ex’s how I appeared to him when we were together. He said that I appeared happy most of the time. The problem though was that I wasn’t happy and I just put on a show of fake emotion that I was happy. I am good at putting on a happy face when it is the exact opposite.

Has anyone else masked their true emotions in a relationship? Or did you not have to hide them? I have had to mask my true feelings in a relationship. And my partner would not know about it. But inside you can feel it and you want to not be with this person.

Yes The emotions were ambivalent.

My H always said my emotions are easy to read. I used to tell him everything I was thinking but have learned to keep the majority of my thoughts to myself. Part of it is that when you have been married as long as we have been--I have learned that he becomes bored when I talk too much. Sometimes I can become repetitive. I used to have a problem with talking endlessly so some of his reactions have taught me that being more sparing with my words makes me more interesting and pleasant to be around. Sometimes he expresses opinions that I don't agree with but if they are just about things in general, like the news, I don't put any energy into to disagreeing (I have gotten to know how he will react to my comments). However, I have learned to value my internal opinions (not that his are invalid). I used to be effected more by his emotions and reactions but have learned that I don't have to react to everything he says--only the things that are important like things that effect our family.

As far as masking your feeling go--I think sometimes we do this when we want to be accepted but feel like we would not be accepted for who we really are. And there are people who are less open minded about certain things and opinions so sometimes we do this because we are reading other people correctly. Other times, we do this because our self esteem is low. IMO it is important to figure out why we are masking our feelings There are times were it is appropriate--even a matter of survival so we don't lose our job, etc. but we also need people in our life that we can be our authentic self with.

It can be hard to find a partner who is a good listener. I try to be a good listener but know that I am not always. I hope you have people in your life with whom you can feel open and authentic with.

Yes. Not just with my other half but with people in general. It makes me feel a bit phony at times! Like I'm pretending to be happy when I'm not.

I think sometimes though it's a fear that people won't be able to accept your emotions (well it is for me!) I was always told I was too sensitive. So now I hold things in when I'm upset. Even when people have passed away I find it hard to cry or show any emotion. I feel embarrassed if people think I'm not holding it together.

So you're definitely not alone! I think in a way most people will do this to some extent, but I think we need a select few we can be open and honest with even when things aren't going so well.

I think that if you had to hide your true feelings in a relationship, then you probably did not trust your partner completely. Why did you do that?

I don't want my partner to hide his true feelings from me. And I would not want to hide my feelings from him. It is important for me to know that if I share my problems and experiences, I will be supported.

Maybe that's why you didn't show your true feelings because you thought that your partner wouldn't care?

I wouldn't completely trust my own mother.

Not to sound judgmental but if we cannot be our true authentic selves in our most intimate relationships, then is it worth being in such a relationship?

This is the place we drop the mask, find support and/or can be accepted for who we fully are. If a partner can't 'deliver' and you need to hide part of yourself, it means the trust is not there.

“But inside you can feel it and you want to not be with this person.”
^
My answer was based on this part of the OP. When you said that line, I related to that feeling more than the feeling that you are also saying you can’t open up and be yourself. It’s more like I have ambivalent feeling about how I feel about them, but go along...for a while. My take on it is probably less healthy than the ‘you can’t be yourself’ with a romantic relationship. It’s dating someone though you have ambivalent feelings for them, but continuing anyway.

I can definitely relate - especially in my last relationship. He knew things weren’t 100% ok on my part, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t realise how bad I really felt. I was stupid, thinking my bad feelings might settle down over time but they just got worse until I had to get out.

Well, i will admit that i often do hide my emotions to other people. That isn't because i don't care about them, though. i often simply don't have the energy to be confronted about it so i just stay quiet. not sure if that makes sense to anyone. In any case, if You do not feel comfortable enough with certain people, and it Happens often, perhaps it is Time to rethink that relationship although that is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. Please do take care. You matter. Hugs. Keep trying. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @RavenGirl1990, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your Partner And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Well, i will admit that i often do hide my emotions to other people. That isn't because i don't care about them, though. i often simply don't have the energy to be confronted about it so i just stay quiet. not sure if that makes sense to anyone. In any case, if You do not feel comfortable enough with certain people, and it Happens often, perhaps it is Time to rethink that relationship although that is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. Please do take care. You matter. Hugs. Keep trying. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @RavenGirl1990, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your Partner And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Its always good to say the truth and work things out for better or worse. Honesty really is the best policy.