my cousin refuses to help my SO

I have a cousin who works at a big biotech company. She's frequently texting me "Oh you have to come work here" and "My company is doing some amazing science." I've found these messages annoying because I have my own scientific job and feel like she's just assuming what her company is doing MUST be better than whatever I'm doing. But whatever, I always let it go.

Today though, she wrote me again "Come to my company!", and I wrote her back that my SO might be needing a new job and was looking at summer internships at her company, would she be willing to provide an internal reference? I also told her that she could Skype with my SO just to verify she's recommending someone reasonable, that my SO has a 4.0 GPA, etc. My SO has PhD and a good job already, it's just not a great fit.

SILENCE. My cousin just evaporated. I'm really, really pissed. I've been with my SO for 5+ years. My cousin knows this. So it's not that I'm asking her to recommend someone I met last week. What's more, we're talking about an INTERNSHIP! Not even a full job. The reference would just (maybe!) help my SO get an interview. I'm imagining my cousin will argue, "Oh well but I don't feel comfortable because I never met your SO." But it's like in that case, this is a chance for her to meet someone really important to me. When I think how much time and money I wasted at my cousin's wedding, I feel really angry that she isn't willing to skype with my SO for an hour and help out.

I also am really annoyed that instead of simply saying she's not comfortable with it and maybe having some kind of dialogue, my cousin is trying to pretend that my request never happened.

I wonder if she encourages you to come work in her company because she knows you are very unhappy in your job. At least that what you post on this forum

I understand her not wanting to recommend someone she doesn’t know. One Skype session wouldn’t be enough for me to recommend people. But I’d be direct “I cannot recommend someone I don’t know”. But then I am known to be direct. Not everyone is. Your cousin clearly isn’t a direct person

Is there any reason your SO cannot find his own job or internship?

Nothing wrong with your cousin meeting your boyfriend. But not for the purpose of recommending him for working in her company

i agree that it would've been better for her to be Honest with You. Perhaps try to contact her Again? i am so Sorry things are being hard. SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @DoroMona, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you everyone for your support and input.

I should add that in our field of work, it's very normal when you're looking at a company you like to find someone on LinkedIn who works there and to ask for a reference, even if you're applying for a full job and not an internship. Very often, they'll want to skype with you for 30 minutes to an hour, review your publications, and from there it's not a big deal. That's part of why I'm so annoyed that my cousin is acting like this. These internal references aren't full-blown recommendation letters by any means.

My SO doesn't actually need her reference. He can find someone on LinkedIn to do it, or just not have one--internal references aren't required. So not having her reference doesn't particularly affect him. I'm more upset on principle, that literally she's less willing to help me/us than most random strangers or distant contacts on LinkedIn.

It's true that she knows I have problems with my job, but she didn't always. Even when I was really excited about the work my group was doing and hadn't shared much about all the dysfunction, I'd get her random texts that I should come to her company. I never confronted her about it, which I kind of regret. I always told myself that she was just "being nice" and "trying to be helpful" etc. Then I told myself not to burn bridges in case I wanted to apply to her company. But she really has always had a high opinion of herself and a big head.

I'm debating whether or not to confront her. Honestly, there are a few other details here I haven't been comfortable including in this post, that unfortunately really affect the context and are part of why I'm so extremely angry. I'm really tempted to write her off as "less willing to help me than most total strangers" and stop talking to her.

Wow. I’ve never heard of total strangers recommending anyone for anything even after 30 minutes Skype interview. But if that’s common in your field, then I could see why you expected it from her.

I’d probably be hurt too and wondered if she has some kind of preconceived notion about him.

The whole thing just sounds like there is more to the story. Why hasn’t your cousin ever met your SO? It seems awfully long time to not meet family of your partner. 5 plus years? And why wouldn’t he ask people he actually knows for references. Why ask someone he doesn’t know. Is he having trouble finding jobs? Keeping jobs?

My SO is good and doesn't need my cousin; good schools, good GPA, PhD, soon MBA, good publication record, no employment gaps, and lots of people to give recommendations. But when you apply for a job in biotech, there's so much competition that it always helps knowing someone on the inside, to get your application through the door. That's just standard. My SO has friends/contacts elsewhere, so whether my cousin will help or not really doesn't matter, professionally. In fact, my cousin's company wouldn't even be on our radar; it's not that big. But she's sent so many texts over the years telling me about how it's such a great company and I should apply that I was left with the (false) impression that I had a contact there. And let me really stress--for example, literally having a 5-minute breakfast with someone at a conference and adding that person as a contact on LinkedIn is probably enough for them to vouch for you in such a situation and vice-versa.

As for why she doesn't know my SO--basically, because she was never interested. That's literally the only reason she doesn't know my SO. Divine--I'll write you more about it in a PM...

I guess I've always felt that my cousin is way too self-important and flaky. There were times in the past when she just did or said something so shallow/crappy that I felt like I should just give up on the friendship. Her lack of interest in ever getting to know my SO was extremely hurtful. But the rest of the family is even worse so I kept on fooling myself we could be friends. I'm really kicking myself now for ever giving her the time of day.

Thank you for PM. Sending you and your SO many hugs.

Totally see how your cousin is being hurtful, deliberately or not. The only thing I could think of is telling her how it makes you feel. Not sure if it would help though. People are who they are. She might be too self absorbed to really care

It seems that your cousin doesnt like your SO. I do not know how you will get them to bond, it might never happen. You cannot force these things to work. You can however ask your cousin what they think of your SO, and try and work things out that way. There are no guarantees though.

They’ve never met. What do you mean?

How your cousin behaved is really rude.

She could have been honest with you re not wanting to help your SO.

I would be angry at her too.