Does anyone understand trauma bonding? How does one break free of a trauma bond?

I am pretty certain I am trauma bonded to my abusive husband (whom I am leaving).

I kept hearing this term lately and was told I am "trauma bonded" to him. At first, I disagreed, in thinking no, I just truly love him.

The attachment I feel to him is for the good parts of him only and wanting just those parts of him. That attachment is strong.

Then when I think of all the abuse, I am disgusted, it's sooo disturbing, and I want to RUN the other way. It's the good parts of him that I am bonded to, and for which I feel something.. it's the good parts of him that I miss dearly and want.

So what is a trauma bond? And how does one break free from a trauma bond?

I am not sure how much this applies to you since I don't always follow your posts simply because there would be so much to read (I try to only spend a little time at PC a day in order to accomplish other things)--so I apologize if this advice is off base.

I feel like I was codependent (trauma-bonded? I used to put up with him yelling at me but he stopped when I began being more assertive ie--"You can't talk to me like that"; etc.) and I would allow my emotions to be effected too much by others emotions (my entire family was guilt tripping me and I bought into it all) but have learned to feel more detached when I listen to others describing their unhappiness (I don't make myself feel responsible for others happiness--we can only successfully manage our own emotions--we can't manage others and our partners should not try to control ours either). IMO, trauma bonding involves two people, unfortunately, some people, like children, are not in a position where they can extricate themselves, but in my case, I was able to fix the situation with my husband by standing up for myself combined being both more accepting of him and more emotionally detached. None of us are going to agree with others all of the time. We are all different and there is nothing wrong with that. Though I am still married, I am not saying whether or not you should stay married but if you can work on your emotional boundaries so that you can feel more emotionally detached from your husband than perhaps it would be easier to make the next move because you will feel less helpless?

The loving side of him is likely giving you a good hit of dopamine and the fact that is comes randomly feeds into addiction (I bet you have seen studies in psychology that show random reinforcement is much more powerful than consistent reinforcement).

Also, while you go through this, make sure you are taking care of yourself by getting plenty of rest, etc. It is hard to overcome addictions of any kind when we are living a stressful life IMO.

I don’t know much about trauma bonding but I know it’s normal to miss someone even if they weren’t right people or didn’t even treat us right. It’s normal to get used to people and miss them when they are gone.

Obviously he wasn’t always bad, no one is. I think it’s also important to remember it happened very recently and it’s not like you are suffering for years on end. It just ended plus he comes over constantly which is disturbing.

I think it’s also hard because our activities are limited due to covid, you aren’t currently working and there’s not much to do outside of the house. In my state even restaurants dining in aren’t open. Can’t even go sit in a coffee shop. So it contributes to loneliness.

In addition it seems that you attached yourself to him might be a bit much Imho as forgoing your own interests and hobbies , making his friends yours and spending most if not all your free time with him- not generally advisable. That contributes to feeling like your whole world crushed because he quickly became your whole world.

Missing someone also comes and goes in waves. It could get intense at times. But pain eventually ends (not the same when someone passes away, I meant ending a relationship). I’d be surprised if you didn’t miss him. It’s normal.

You just have to give it time and no one said it’s easy. It never is. But it always gets better. That’s just how it works.

i don't have a lot of wise things to say, just wanted to let You know that i hear You And Truly Hope You Will Be Able to get Away from this situation. Please do continue to try Your Best! SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @Have Hope, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

How to Recognize the Signs of Trauma Bonding

This is an article that explains it.

I’d like to discuss it too, but I don’t know where to begin. Good thread.

Also, how is it different from Stockholm Syndrome?
Stockholm Syndrome: Causes, Symptoms, Examples

Made me think how when people are repeatedly abused (more than by one person) people don’t recognize abuse and mistake abuse for love, then they became attached to that abuse because it feels like love.

Like for example him holding you tight in bed and not allowing to get up until he is ready and then even sobbing when you trying to get up, might feel like love to abused person. “This is true love! He cannot be without me and he cuddles me so much because he just can’t get enough of me.”

In reality what’s he doing is abuse and control “I’ll cuddle when I want to and she must stay with me until I’ll allow her to get up”. Not love but abuse

Or now him sending his begging texts might feel “oh he is so genuine he misses me so much he is so lonely I feel so bad for him”, when in reality he is trying to break you and exerts his power and control in hopes you break down. It’s abuse, not love

So I see perhaps this trauma bonding is attaching to abuse, which you often experience as love. You aren’t attached to his good parts as much as you are attached to what you think is love, and often times (not always) it’s abuse disguised as love

Good articles Tisha. This is right from first article.

“How to stop trauma bonding:

Always take your time to get to know someone, find out their past.

Never jump straight in because it feels good.

Look out for the red flags of abusive behaviour, such as feeling pressured or controlled.

Ensure you can be respected for your boundaries (say no).

Make sure what you see is what you really get, no hidden truths that come out later.

Be careful that you are not being sold a charming person to reel you in and hook you.

Be careful when all the ex-partners are crazy, nothing is their fault, or they’re the victim.

Be aware if you feel they’re too good to be true or make you feel amazing.”

Hope, it sounds a lot of what you experienced with your husband, hopefully soon to be ex

Thank you.

I am working on having stricter boundaries with him now and on emotional detachment. I am almost no contact with him except for about apartment and moving details. I am working on my healing, on moving forward without him, and on breaking the trauma bond. I very much wish to heal myself from this disastrous and most damaging marriage.

All valid points! TY.

My missing him in fact is a part of the trauma bond, as I've been learning about it. It's an addiction to the good feelings they give you, coupled with emotional turmoil and trouble.

But yes, I did make him the center of my world and I did give up activities that were important to me for his sake. I will return to those activities and will rebuild my life... without him in it.

Thanks @MickeyCheeky!!!!

That's exactly accurate! And so it is like withdrawing from an addiction.

I am trying to take care of myself as best as I can. I am not eating well though.

Thanks for the articles, @TishaBuv!

I've heard of stockholm syndrome being discussed in the same convo as trauma bonding, but I don't know the difference yet.

I does sound like your relationship hit all these marks.

It's abuse disguised as love yes. I did recognize the abusive side of him before our wedding and during the months leading up to the wedding. I never mistook the abuse as love... I wanted the loving side of him only.

When he held me down in. bed, I never misinterpreted that as love. I saw it as control over me.

And his begging and pleading I saw it as pure manipulation.. which is also a part of abuse.. but not love.

I experienced ALL of the above with my now ex.

From one of my abuse forums on Facebook about the trauma bond:

"Trauma bonding is the physiological response to emotional abuse. It makes it so that your body physically is withdrawing from the person on top of the emotional injury. Without the abuser your body secretes cortisol when they forgive you and give you affection you secrete oxytocin, dopamine etc. Sex hormones. Feel good. Which makes the abuser the fix you feel so desperate to get. The abuser will allow you to become so desperate that by the time they come back you’ll accept any behaviour. That’s why things don’t ever get better.

That’s what we get stuck in the cycle and it makes one feel crazy."

And from a podcast I heard this morning on trauma bonding:

TRAUMA BOND

FEELING REPULSION BUT AT SAME TIME, HAVING A STRONG DESIRE TO BE CONNECTED, WHICH IS THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE THAT OCCURS, AND THE TRAUMA BOND AT WORK.

TO GET OUT OF THE TRAUMA BOND (Stockholm syndrome): IDENTIFY HIM FOR WHO HE IS: NARCISSIST, ABUSER, MANIPULATOR, PREDATOR, SOCIOPATH, PATHOLOGICAL LIAR, CHEATER, ETC.

YOU DON'T GET BETTER UNTIL YOU LABEL AND IDENTIFY, AND THEN ACCEPT THIS TRUTH. TRAUMA BOND IS SHATTERED THROUGH THIS IDENTIFICATION.

64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse: How to Identify It, What to Do

Here’s yet another perspective ^

Good article!!!