Old flame - reap what you sow.

I don't think the time scale matters.
To reach the truth,
And search the soul,
The journey should
Be left to unfold at it's own pace.

I can't breathe

I can't breathe, and I'm terrified of falling asleep
To meet the shadows that've been haunting my dreams
A reflection of all that I am for all to see
(Shed my skin, for all to see, shed my skin)

I want to drown my lungs in plastic
I want to fill this gaping hole
And when it all comes back to haunt me
I want the pain to take its toll

Another trophy for the hall of regrets
Another night to forget (Another night to forget)
Another consequence of actions repressed
Waking up in sweats

Mend me. Make me proud. Motivate me
Bend me. Break me down. Suffocate me
Take all of it. Take all of me

Shed my skin. Take me from my home
I give all I am. I give all I own
Shed my skin. Steal my heart again
Take from me my bones

Cast me down into the depths of depravity
Cast out to where the wanderers roam
Praised by the angels of tragedy
Loathed by the demons of hope

Take all of it, everything I own (everything I own)
Take all of it, come and steal my soul

Shed my skin. Take me from my home
I give all I am. I give all I own
Shed my skin. Steal my heart again
Take from me my bones
Take from me my bones
Take from me my bones
Take from me my bones

Take from me my bones

It actually does matter @Lunatyc because you are still reliving it. It’s very possible you may be struggling with ptsd. That is not a diagnosis but instead just my personal opinion of something you may be struggling with. I have this challenge myself and I think you deserve to heal instead of revisiting it so much.

I am going to scope out a counsellor while I wait for referral to see doctor at hospital. Even if it's on zoom video call. Hopefully they can give me some Cbt techniques to see me through in the meantime

The first two lines are just what I experienced myself. I too feared sleeping because I had bad dreams and I woke up very upset and often more exhausted then I felt before I slept.

It took time for me to understand why I was struggling so much. I can tell you are still living something you need to finally heal from instead of what you are doing.

You deserve to heal and allow yourself to finally walk away from this challenge. ❤️

I wish I could put it
Away in a drawer.
Relax and concentrate
On my fictional offering's.
But I see the pile
Of unopened debt letters
And I know that
I have no option
But to make a blog,
Make some revenue
From the advertising space.
And focus on the semi-autobiographical memoir centred on
Relationship with old flame
And the hospital stigma.
Only snippets of early memories.
Not to mention
I will be left on the
Shelf forever if,
I don't act soon after the vaccine rolls out.
I can't move my
Deadline any further forward.
If I were a terrible person
I would have published
Long before now.
I spent so long working
On this project so I could
Protect the ones I care about.
Now I must care for myself.

We would also have split
Up for good when
He said that he would not
Take a break or be friends as
He would always want more.
The reason was loud and clear.
That put sex off the table.
I grew up quickly
After being in rehab.
I went off the rails
But I had alway's
Been responsible and self sufficient.
I could let the hospital
Rob me of everything,
Or I could look
At it from a different perspective.

I have a more sophisticated taste in music than 30Seconds to Mars. Metal is an acquired taste. I listened to Grunge, Nu-Metal, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Sabbath and so on in my youth. I still listen and follow bands in similar veins to August Burns Red, Parkway Drive, Amity Affliction, Breakdown of Sanity, For the Fallen Dream's, Architect's, The Devil Wears Prada, the Dillinger Escape Plan, Periphery, Underoath and Mastodon.

The post beginning: I can't breathe
That is lyric's from a metal band named: make them suffer. On borrowed time.

For respect and my self-worth.
I can't separate them.
Resolving this in court of law,
Is the only inevitable conclusion.

What do you mean by "court of law"? Are you having to go to court with this ex?

That is sad if a therapist is that way. I mean that attitude they sometimes have is sad and wrong imo. At least the shrink suggested some therapy, even if its group therapy. How would they know if someone is ''doing perfectly well on their own'' if they don't listen.