[JadeSim]

This is so hard but i will try. Please bear with me, i have so much going on but am trying to keep it short.
I'm in my 60's and fairly healthy and active but i find the older i get the more i don't want to be around people and don't really care to have friends. Its like i have no interest in them or its energy i have to put out and it gives me anxiety. I'm finding im more comfortable being by myself but then i get lonely. Its a crazy mixed up feeling!

I guess most of it has to do with past friends turning on me, hurting my feelings or deserting me so i just gave up trying. Its not like i did them wrong or anything. I always had fun with them and treated them well and with respect. I did some reading online and realized i'm introverted so to me it made sense as to my feelings. I don't think i was ever an introvert until the past maybe 15 or so years.

I don't do well with the romance department either. Every relationship i've been in has failed. I've been married & divorced 3 times. So i was single for many years until well , i guess out of missing intimacy i found myself in another relationship with a guy for 3 years now and its going sour ...so here i go again.

This time is with a guy who's 3 years older than I and he's told me everything about his past and its everything against my morals. He left home when he was 16 and he's tripped through life on his own since and lived on the 'wild side'. He even spent 2 brief stints in prison, an ex felon i might add.

Of course when you first start dating you dont know about these things. It comes out gradually. I guess he lathered me with his charm first and once i got hooked on him then he tells me about his past. These things he's told me burned through my ears and i've wondered why am i with this guy? I raised my kids to be good with morals and not like him so why am i with him? I was somewhat attracted to him and he was so charming, loving, affectionate and giving. But i learned he too has been married & divorced 3 times too but i never learned why the relationships ended. I felt like i was so drawn to him for whatever reason (s). I'm just very confused about it.

I also realized pretty much since he was in his 40's he always lived with other people because he could use his handyman skills in place of rent and keep his money from his job to spend how he wanted. He is a spender and not a saver. I am the opposite.

There are so many things i dont like about him but yet i still feel drawn / needy to him and yet i am possessive with him too. Some people i dont mind him being friends with but there are some i absolutely don't like or want them around and i really hate pretty women around because i feel he's drawn to them and flirts with them. I know at our ages i shouldn't even worry about that but i do and thats what bothers me. I dont like being this way but i get panick attacks and i have this fear that he will leave me for one of them. I think its because he has broken my trust before so i cant even trust him.

I retired and sold my place. He wanted us to be together so he recommended us build a house for us which we are in the middle of right now. I have heard relationships are challenged when building a house. I should of realized our relationship wasn't strong enough to survive this and its hard and i'm trying to hang in there but he is building the inside without a blueprint and says its in his head so there are alot of unexpected expenses that keep popping up. He has made so many mistakes with wrong measurements etc. .. its making me frustrated.
This is a hard situation i put myself in. I wished now i wouldnt have allowed him to build this house but here we are and i cant even be excited about it. I am so disappointed that im at this point in my life when i should be happy in my retirement and not angry and stressed out.

We have had many arguments and he has done things and said things that hurt my feelings. So now my feelings for him are changing and im about to the point i want to end things with him. So once again another failed relationship.

After the house is built i'm thinking of telling him we need to sell or i'll buy him out. I just can't be with someone who i can't trust with my heart. I'd rather just be on my own again.
I just dont know about me anymore. The last incident happened recently and i stopped being affectionate with him and am withdrawing. I know he sees this and feels the distancing.

I think i just can't live with anyone. I just dont know whats wrong with me and why i felt so needy to be with him (and in some ways still do) and then feel completely opposite about him. I wonder if i will be okay without him.
I am wondering if i have some kind of mental problems. Do you think so? Do you think i need to give this more time? Is there something here you see that i'm not? Is it me or him?

There is more to this but i hope you can get an idea of what i am trying to say

Any thoughts or advice to help me?

I

[Skeezyks]

Hello JadeSim: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. We here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. Plus I'm not a mental health professional. So anything I might suggest in the way of what may be going on with you would be simply a guess... as likely to be wrong as correct... maybe more likely. (Perhaps other PC members will have some insights they'll wish to share.)

I think the thing to do would be to make arrangements to talk through all of this at-length & in-depth with a mental health therapist. That's the way to really get to the bottom of what has been, as well as what continues, to be going on. I noticed, though, this is your first post here on PC. So I did want to at least welcome you to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. You mentioned the older you get the less you want to be around people. I myself am in my early 70's and I feel similarly. So I can relate to that part of what you're experiencing.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you tend to fall for the charm only to find out it doesn’t last and isn’t genuine.

This type of individual gets good at charming their way where they get what they want from certain types of individuals.

It sounds like you tend to fall for this type of individual.