[LoneCowgirl]

I need some advice on a family issue involving my boyfriends 21-year-old daughter. Last Christmas she came to my house and yelled at me and called me a name and left, and has never apologized. My boyfriend wants to have her over again this Christmas and I am not good with that.
She has repeatedly stated that she does not want her dad to have a girlfriend. She is 21 years old. We have been dating six years and her mother has continually said bad things about me.
There’s a big jealousy issue going on here as the ex-wife no longer has the attention of her ex-husband, and his daughter feels like he is giving me financial support and could be taking inheritance away from her. For the record I receive no financial support and I’m just fine on my own.
I know tonight my partner will be home and he is going to mention that he wants his daughter to come over for Christmas and I am just not OK with that. If she did apologize I would except it with open arms but mind you it’s been 11 months and I’ve received nothing. Appreciate any advice

[sarahsweets]

That is a tough situation. Do you plan on getting married? That can be something that you will have to make concessions with. He may end up resenting you for not letting or wanting him to see his daughter and he does have a right to. Has he talked to his daughter about how he loves you and wants to be with you and that she needs to try and accept that? Is there a way you can have her over and just stay a little quiet and not take any bait from her so he can see her? Has he talked to the ex to find out if she is bad mouthing you? Is it ant girlfriend he would have or just you? if she were to apologize what would that do for you? Especially if she is just doing it because he wants her to or she is giving lip service to you? If it wasnt sincere would that matter to you?

[Marie123]

She is jealous and behaving like a spoiled brat. There really isn't anything you an do....it is pretty much in your boyfriend's hands to handle the situation. I would tell him that I couldn't have her in my house (unless she apologized)....someone who would disrespect you. He should understand that.

[divine1966]

I don’t think he needs to stop seeing his daughter or that you should not let him see her. And I don’t believe you even suggested that.

But there is no rule that one must see their poorly behaved adult kids in the house (whose house is it btw? You two are dating so it’s fair to assume you don’t live together?). People see their adult children in variety of places: restaurants, shops, outdoor places, parks, in kids’ houses etc Even during pandemics there are places where people can meet if they so desire. Now if she was a minor of course I’d say she needs to be in the house with her dad. It’s no matter if children behave poorly, they belong at home with parents. Not adults, unless they are incapacitated.

I disagree that the only way for the father to see his grown daughter it’s for her to come to the house and a girlfriend stay quiet. There are plenty of ways for people to maintain relationship.

I’d say if a boyfriend is too lazy or passive or clueless to find ways to maintain a relationship with his daughter and do not allow disrespect towards his girlfriend at the same time, I’d say he might not be a boyfriend worth to keep. And it might be off topic but him still being just a boyfriend after SIX years might be a symptom of something too

[Open Eyes]

This is a difficult challenge and it's not so much you that is the problem but something any woman would have to contend with. It may seem that a 21 year old would be mature enough to handle his father's new relationship. However, this daughter is still dealing with her feelings of resentment that were created when her parents broke their relationship, which is that of a much younger age and maturity level that she is stuck in. Her negative feelings are also probably being fed by her mother too unfortunately. So that has added to her staying stuck instead of moving on and accepting that her parent's relationship did not work out.

What is sad is that some parents are so selfish that they actually use the child to get back at their partner that chose to walk away from the relationship. The mother of this child is showing how selfish she can be by encouraging her child to carry these resentments like this.

Your partner needs to have a sit down and talk with his daughter about this behavior. If he doesn't address it then he is allowing his ex wife to cause damage to his new relationship via using his daughter. By allowing this to continue the father is allowing the mother to create a narcissistic individual and this will only serve to damage his child for what could be the rest of her life. This is unfortunate because your partner's ex is a bad influence on her own child and that's not being fair to this child. Your partner's ex is teaching her own daughter to be a "flying monkey" and to allow herself to be guided by negative and resentful and even jealous behavior patterns of others. The mother is teaching the daughter to project and distort and stay stuck. Instead this daughter needs to learn to accept and move forward instead of being like her mother who is being stuck and resentful and jealous. This mother is teaching this child to stock pile and carry resentments. If your partner allows this to be accomodated then he is no better when it comes to parenting.

What your partner needs to do is have a sit down with his daughter and make an effort to explain to his daughter that what she is taking on of her mother's resentments is very unhealthy for her.

[divine1966]

Lonecowgirl, I PMed you with some stepfamily resources.

As a parent and a stepparent I can tell you (and you know that yourself likely) that’s a very different ball game than parenting in intact family.

I don’t know if we are allowed to share other links/forums/resources on here. So check your PM

[LoneCowgirl]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

That is a tough situation. Do you plan on getting married? That can be something that you will have to make concessions with. He may end up resenting you for not letting or wanting him to see his daughter and he does have a right to. Has he talked to his daughter about how he loves you and wants to be with you and that she needs to try and accept that? Is there a way you can have her over and just stay a little quiet and not take any bait from her so he can see her? Has he talked to the ex to find out if she is bad mouthing you? Is it ant girlfriend he would have or just you? if she were to apologize what would that do for you? Especially if she is just doing it because he wants her to or she is giving lip service to you? If it wasnt sincere would that matter to you?

Thank you for responding! Yes his ex is bad talking me, but she also bad talks him so I think she is a major influence on her daughter. We are engaged but I really need to think about what my future will be like. This is my house it’s actually a ranch so there’s plenty of room for me to go and keep myself busy should she decide to come over. I actually work with his ex girlfriend once a month she is the accountant for his business and she has said she was disliked and treated poorly by the daughter as well when they were dating.

[LoneCowgirl]

Thank you all for responding and thank you all for your great insight. I wish so much that we could’ve had a relationship but she is hell-bent against it based on outside influences. After six years with my fiancé I have no faith that he will set her on the correct path. I have always thought that she treats him like an ex-husband. I know that much of her attitude is coming from her mother. She never asks anything of him rather she demands it and he willingly jumps to grant her every wish. I know that he carries the guilt associated with divorce, she’s an only daughter, and he had her late in life but I’m starting to wonder what will my future be like with this situation? He has been divorced over 10 years, and we have been dating six years, and we are both currently residing on my property

[divine1966]

So she yelled and screamed at you in your home and didn’t apologize and now you have to host her in YOUR house? Hhhmmm. I don’t think so. She needs to behave

Honestly it’s not up to her if you two are together. She doesn’t need to like you. She needs to be civil though. I am concerned that your BF is allowing her to yell at you.

I have two adult stepdaughters.

They love me but if they didn’t, my husband would expect them to be civil. I can’t imagine him allowing them to yell at me. They would be shown the door. And one of my stepdaughters is rather difficult, generally speaking, but she is still civil with me at all times.

I’d be concerned about your future with him.

[Rive.]

It's okay for you not to be okay with that. That is your truth and where you are at. It is fine to tell your bf that.

Also, his daughter is an adult and no longer a child. She misbehaved and has not apologised. I think it is time for frank discussions all around.

It is not okay for her to be disrespectful to you. Again, she is not a child, she is an adult and at the very least, ought to behave like one.