[Aviza]

I'm trying to break up with a guy who seems nice but has red flags. Likes me fat, like wants me to weigh 300 lbs. Barges in my apt. Anyway sex was great, but he's not the guy i want. And he pressured me but didn't for sex. Went straight to my bedroom removed all clothes git into my bed. I kept cloths on til i didn't.

My arms worker wanted to report him. For barging in, my mom was over i didn't buzz him in someone let him in my door was unlocked he walked right in didn't knock or listen when i hung up after saying my mom is over.

Anyway i sent him a break up text, he called, i didn't answer, his message doesn't even acknowledges my text. Which said do not contact me.

My ex who broke up with me still tries to reconnect. I've said no a hundred times. Took time heard him out than said no again.

Guys don't listen to no. That's why i break up with them but how do i get them to stop contacting me?

[GSC2019]

Originally Posted by Aviza

I'm trying to break up with a guy who seems nice but has red flags. Likes me fat, like wants me to weigh 300 lbs. Barges in my apt. Anyway sex was great, but he's not the guy i want. And he pressured me but didn't for sex. Went straight to my bedroom removed all clothes git into my bed. I kept cloths on til i didn't.


My arms worker wanted to report him. For barging in, my mom was over i didn't buzz him in someone let him in my door was unlocked he walked right in didn't knock or listen when i hung up after saying my mom is over.


Anyway i sent him a break up text, he called, i didn't answer, his message doesn't even acknowledges my text. Which said do not contact me.


My ex who broke up with me still tries to reconnect. I've said no a hundred times. Took time heard him out than said no again.


Guys don't listen to no. That's why i break up with them but how do i get them to stop contacting me?

Insecure men don't break up. Secure ones who respect women and know who they are as men will break up if it's necessary; at the very least respect what you want.

[divine1966]

Block him. He is very unsafe. Barging in uninvited??? The way to stop them is to block them and call police if they barge in or continue stalking you. He sounds very dangerous and you need to put a stop to it

[Aviza]

Divine that's what my arms worker said. She wanted to report him. I said no. But he ignores everything i say.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Aviza

Divine that's what my arms worker said. She wanted to report him. I said no. But he ignores everything i say.

Block him from being able to call or text you. And call police if he shows up. There are way to stop unwanted communication. Your words don’t match your actions, that’s why he keeps at it. Stop responding. If he continues, threaten legal actions and block him

[Que Sera Sera]

call the police every time he bothers you.. get it on record he keeps harrassing you after you have told him to stop contacting you.
document his continual refusal to heed your request then take your "evidance" and apply to issue a restraining order against him.

[Bill3]

Excellent advice here.

Block. Ignore messages. No contact. Call police if they show up uninvited.

[rechu]

If your phone doesn't have a blocking feature, you can download free apps that will allow you to block calls from certain numbers. Block any known numbers from both guys. If they call you from a different number, block that too. If they have other ways to get in touch with you like e-mail, set up your account to send those to spam or block them. depending on the available options.

And, make sure your apartment door is locked. That way he can't barge in. If he still tries to show up, call the police.

Originally Posted by Bill3

Excellent advice here.

Block. Ignore messages. No contact. Call police if they show up uninvited.

I agree, excellent advice here from everyone.

[Rive.]

Block him. You need to set clear boundaries with him.

He pushes and you let him get away with it, which is why he is still ignoring your 'no'. He thinks he can push you and get his own way.

[RoxanneToto]

Excellent advice in this thread - also, don’t worry about being nice and trying not to hurt his feelings in the process (if you are worried about doing that) - he’s endangering you so doesn’t deserve to be treated with kid gloves.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry that is happening to you, Aviza! i agree with other members' advice. Block him and call police if necessary. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Aviza, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Open Eyes]

Aviza, this behavior can come from anyone actually, not just men. In the very beginning you unknowlingly let him know if he begged or entered your personal space you would allow it. So right from the beginning you let him know you had soft boundaries.

I will give you an example: We got two shitzu puppies and they both were quiet and laid down while we were eating our dinner. My husband decided to form a special attachment with his puppy and began giving him little tidbits from our dinner. This puppy did not know anything about this until my husband showed him and in effect taught him something new. As time went on my husband felt that it was fun that when he ate his new buddy would sit right by him and my husband felt this was "bonding". The mindset was "This dog is going to know who I am because I give him treats". And even more so, "My dog will be loyal to me because I give him treats".

As time went by my husband's dog would learn to bark because my husband wanted him to do something for his treats. My dog did not bark as he learned that when my husband's dog barked he would get some too. As time went on every time my husband ate and had food his dog would see that as a sign to get right near him and bark. This got to a point where his dog became more and more insistent whenever we ate. It was not cute anymore, instead it got down right annoying. Luckily, if I was alone and ate I did not have that problem with his dog BECAUSE I never engaged in this hand feeding and begging relationship. So his dog knew I did not play that game. No, that was my HUSBAND'S game and at first my husband thought it made him stand out and be "special". "My dog loves me, see?".

Unfortunately, my husband's dog began begging and barking and insisting even when there was no food. Truth is it got down right annoying. So my husband began to get angry and he thought he could change this very thing HE taught his dog to do. At times my husband would talk loud and mean. I would get upset with him and tell him, HE IS ONLY DOING WHAT YOU TAUGHT HIM TO DO. And HE WON'T UNDERSTAND that you won't give him what you taught him you would. And the truth is, his dog never stopped begging and we never got to eat a quiet meal.

His dog died first and sure enough my husband began the same routine with MY dog. My dog had not been THE BEGGER. And sure enough my dog began sitting at his feet and begging and barking. You would THINK my husband would have learned by what he chose to do with HIS dog, nope he didn't. Often without realizing it we can actually teach another person to slowly become "entitled" and "insistent". My husband tended to do this with my dog when I was not around too.

People are the same way @Aviza, they learn rather quickly how they can beg a certain way and get what they want because we show them often "unknowingly". We may, not realizing it, teach others to think it's ok to invade our boundaries.

We tend to say "this person is a narcissist and this person is bad etc." however often without realizing it we allow or even show a person they can behave a certain way and get away with it, in affect WE TEACH them just as my husband did with his dog. One could decide my husband's dog was narcissistic and intrusive, however, my husband encouraged this as his dog just learned what my husband taught him. And I have seen my husband do this with customers and then get mad as hell when they do the same thing he taught his dog to do.

We often talk about "self awareness" and often this is very misunderstood as people begin to think that self awareness is being aware of their emotions. That isn't what "self awareness" means. Instead, self awareness would be my husband realizing HIS PART in the picture that created the problem in the first place. And how even though he created a problem with HIS dog, he did not learn from that and when his dog was gone he began doing the same exact thing with MY dog.

My husband, after what he taught his dog to do could choose to blame the dog. My husband could even say ALL THESE TYPE DOGS ARE BAD. But, that's not true now is it? I have even seen people literally want an animal dead, or even wish a person dead when in reality they unknowingly TRAINED that other person/animal to engage with them in unhealthy ways.

When a person embraces the "I am the victim" and then gets proof by reading all about "bad people", they can begin to lose site. Here at PC we are expected to "support" others struggling right? Well, sometimes the support turns into what my husband chose to do where the only thing you can do is answer the barking dog with treats. Or the angry person who owns a dog that is always barking and they can't eat in peace. The discussion can turn into "that dog is toxic, that dog is bad, what and awful dog" giving the person permission to "react" and believe the dog is bad.

Well, that's not helpful now is it? Not really, because instead a person often needs to see their part in what turned out bad. That is because if that doesn't happen, that person, like my husband did with my dog, will repeat the very same things that led to a growing problem they participated in. This isn't victim blaming either and it's not telling someone they don't have a right to feel either. At this point you have two individuals that are bothering you and it's causing you to FEEL things. It's ok to feel things, however, it's also important for you to step back from what you are experiencing and be HONEST about how you may have given in to things with these individuals that encouraged both of them to continue to "beg" and disrupt your life.

There is a movie I watched not long ago that I believe is called "Let me in". It's about a little boy that met what he thought was a young girl and any time he was inside she told him, I cannot come in unless you ask me to come in. And so this boy granted her permission to enter, not just his home, but also his life. Well, this sweet looking girl turned out to be a vampire. What this girl who never got older did was she found young boys like this to allow her in and slowly she would give them just enough so they would finally agree to take care of her the rest of their lives. That meant protecting her during the day while she slept as all vampires do. And then help her get her feed when she needed it.

In our lives, we have to learn to be careful who we agree to let in. We also need to pay attention to how much we get coaxed into or even agree to feeding them when they need to feed. Also, how we may even teach them that begging and barking and insisting is ok. Some people like the begging, it can contribute to their feeling important in some way. That's what my husband did with his dog, and then my dog. Horses and ponies will do the same thing. I do NOT hand feed them because after a while they become more and more insistent. Lots of people will ask me if they can feed them apples or carrots. I tell them I never hand feed them because then they will look for it and may even bite a child's hand who only reached out to pet them.

If I choose to give my animals treats, then I will put the treats on their food so they don't sit and beg and bark at me to the point where they feel entitled. Also, keep in mind that sometimes a person will actually feel "invisible" unless they whine and get attention. Or they feel invisible unless they get a presence that is begging and comes to them constantly like my husband did with his dog. It's actually interesting to see how there can form a match where there is begger/whiner and the one that constantly feeds the whiner. This relationship often turns into "theater" even. Similar to Laurel and Hardy or Abbot and Costello, or Lucy and Dezi, or even Sonny and Cher to name a few. IRL, these relationships did not necessarily work out though. Instead, it just became an act that gained them attention and an audience. That gave them a sense of feeling SEEN or noticed and everyone likes attention right? Yet, it was just THEATER/Drama, not a true close relationship.

[unaluna]

OE

[Aviza]

My former therapist said something like that only problem is i don't know how to change. Just block. But now i put my profile on pof and old guys i dated and determined weren't right for me are back. It's not about being nice. I don't know what it's about exactly.

Well this current guy was nice so i decided to give him another chance, mom even said he's nice. The pof guy has a lot of things checked on my list, but a few deal breakers. Dating is hard and i think maybe i shouldn't have broke up with so and so. Well so and so is back but deal breakers are dealbreakers. And i don't know how to break it to him.

The ex ex just won't talk no didn't believe in compromise and doesn't believe I've moved on because i loved him. Which i did but he crossed a line and i don't anymore, which he doesn't believe.

Guess I'll block block block. Because i always stick my foot in my mouth.

[divine1966]

Well I will have to blunt answering “what’s this about”. No it’s not about being nice. Nice is good. It’s about quality of men you are going for. They act like this because that’s who they are. Low class. What classy men barge in women’s houses, take their clothes off and climb into their beds? Trash. Not quality men. And quite dangerous to boot. Sorry. It doesn’t matter if you are nice or not. That’s who they are. Not partner material at all

Also POF is mostly hook up site. Some young folks might meet there for something more serious (I heard of young people actually find relationships) but a 40-50-year old guy and still on POF it means he is there to hook up. So when they see you there, they think you are there for the same thing. They don’t think anything particularly deep

They think:. “I am horny” “woman is on there so she is available to hook up, let me write to her”.

Dating is hard. I agree. But you got to be more selective. I am glad you look at deal breakers and end with them. But you don’t need to even start with them. Just go on few dates in a neutral territory. No sex. No making out.

They don’t need to know where you live. And during covid why they even show up? Dangerous.

Keep your distance until you know them well enough to know if they are even safe to be around and if they are boyfriend material

PS it’s quite backwards to claim that some men are jerks because of how women behave with them. Nah. When man is an *****, that’s who he is. And nice decent high class men don’t behave like jerks no matter if a woman was nice or not. If she isn’t to his liking he won’t stick around and politely end it. He won’t act like an idiot.

And classy men don’t stalk women because women are “too nice”. When you increase quality of men you go on dates with (slow down getting to know them and end it before it even starts), you’ll see that nice high quality men remain that way no matter what. Your behavior does not make them into inappropriate jerks at all. They were that way way before they met you

[Aviza]

Met one on ourtime.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Aviza

Met one on ourtime.

It doesn’t matter where you meet them. You can meet unsuitable guys anywhere. You can meet jerks in church. If they suck, they suck.