[LiteraryLark]

Is it normal that at 28 I don't see myself getting married and not needing/wanting to get married? My brother is getting married, and I've been to other weddings prior, but I don't see myself getting married. I know for sure I won't have children, but marriage just doesn't seem to appeal to me. I won't say no, but with the guy I have a crush on now, I just don't see a wedding happening. It bums me out, but it's not a high priority for me.

I don't want to get married, you're not alone

even if I did, not sure anyone would have me. not exactly a barel of laughs

same with kids. I like them, and think they are adorable as newborns, but I see looking after a kid/ pet/ what ever, as a right that you gain after you've learned to look after yourself

I'm not quite their, so it would be unfair on them

1950 was 70 years ago Do whatever you want.

[divine1966]

You are in a good company of many people who never married and many people married or unmarried have no desire to have children

To quote Diane Keton- “just because I am not married it doesn’t mean my life is any less”

There is more to life.

[rechu]

The good thing these days, is that people have a lot more freedom in how to structure their relationships or not to be in a relationship at all. Same with having children. After a long time of thinking I would never get married, I did at the age of 38. It was largely a practical decision for us, being legal next of kin, the inheritance laws in this country, etc.

I never wanted or had kids, and now I'm getting to the age where it's not possible anyways. I have no regrets as far as that. Occasionally people will make rude or judgemental comments, but I've learned to not let that bother me.

[sarcgeo]

A marriage "can" be great...but a divorce is devastating...so, perhaps you are lucky. I am suffering immensely from my divorce.

[MickeyCheeky]

It is absolutely ok to not have relationships and Marry if you do not want to. Feel free to Live how you prefer by respecting the Rules and not bothering other people. Everyone must follow their own path in their Lives surely. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @LiteraryLark, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Rive.]

Who said getting married was 'normal' anyway?

You can do whatever you want to do and if not getting married is what you want, there is nothing wrong with that

[Have Hope]

Over half over marriages end in divorce. There is nothing wrong with not wanting marriage in your life. You may change your mind one day IF the right person came along and wanted marriage with you. If you do change your mind, be sure it's the right person. Divorce SUCKS. Otherwise, why not just follow what you want and desire out of life. No one says that you have to get married and certainly, one can be perfectly happy without it.

[Mendingmysoul]

To marry or not to is your choice.No decision is abnormal.The choice should make you happy.A lot of people are happy in their marriages and a lot are happy being single.I agree divorce can get ugly,but sometimes people stay in unhappy marriages for many reasons and suffer.So bottom line make a choice that suits you and be happy.

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

Is it normal that at 28 I don't see myself getting married and not needing/wanting to get married? My brother is getting married, and I've been to other weddings prior, but I don't see myself getting married. I know for sure I won't have children, but marriage just doesn't seem to appeal to me. I won't say no, but with the guy I have a crush on now, I just don't see a wedding happening. It bums me out, but it's not a high priority for me.

With that guy you have a crush on, how does he feel about you?

I never got married myself and I'm a little bit beyond middle age. I felt bad about never having someone for a good long time. But in the last few years, I'm feeling OK about it. I don't expect much of anything in the future.

[Nammu]

Not wanting to marry is not abnormal, it’s a legitimate choice. It does not mean failure.

[lizardlady]

Lark, I'm joining with those who say it is your choice. Marriage is not for everyone. Do what's right for you.

[RoxanneToto]

It’s not essential to get married, whether you want children or not (I don’t plan on having a husband or children, either).
Marrying someone else doesn’t guarantee anyone a better life than staying single, though some would lead you to believe it does - you can still be lonely, financially poor etc, especially if you happen to end up with someone who is, to put it bluntly, deceptive in some way but hides it well.
People who judge others for not marrying/having children are narrow minded and might even feel threatened in some way by others making different choices than they did. But that’s their problem, not yours.

[divine1966]

Neither marriage nor singlehood guarantee happiness.

Many married people are miserable and angry because their marriage is unsatisfactory. Yet many single people are enjoying full and satisfying life. Yet of course many married people are happy and fulfilled.

And for those who think that marriage brings financial stability: many married people, with kids or not, live their life in poverty and find themselves destitute in old age. Either because they relied on their spouses and their spouses didn’t provide what they hoped for or other reasons. Yet many single people build a wonderful life for themselves (and for their children if they have them).

It’s all about how you live your life, either single or married.
You can be happy with either arrangement. Or equally miserable with both.

Originally Posted by divine1966

And for those who think that marriage brings financial stability: many married people, with kids or not, live their life in poverty and find themselves destitute in old age. Either because they relied on their spouses and their spouses didn’t provide what they hoped for or other reasons. Yet many single people build a wonderful life for themselves (and for their children if they have them).

I think that I can relate to that. I totally agree. Like I said earlier, I never got married and as of now, I'm OK with it. When my sister was in her 40s (and I was in my 30s at that time) she seemed desperate to get married. Out of the blue a guy called her up and asked her for a date. It was someone that she had gone to school with many years ago. They went out for the first time and it didn't seem like much came out of it. But he had asked her out again some time later and she accepted.

As time went on, they saw each other more but it didn't seem serious. And then he just wanted to go out with her and never get married. My sister sought to try to change it. She wanted to get married. To me, I think that the main reason she wanted to get married was so that she could quit her job that she couldn't stand and have children. It turned out that my parents and I didn't like him and saw some red flags. She gave him an ultimatum to get married. He caved in. She had asked my parents and I about getting married to him and we disapproved. But then she asked other people and they told her that she should marry him. And so she ended up marrying him.

They adopted kids in their 50s, just starting out with babies at that time. That was a little more than 30 years ago. And now, after both having great paying jobs and pensions, they are over $100,000 in debt. The kids, now young adults, seem messed up. When my sister talks to me, it sounds like something's wrong, but she would never tell me. It strikes me as a "train wreck" at where she is. So I'm not impressed with what has happened.

[LiteraryLark]

A big thank you to everyone who responded. I felt so abnormal to not want marriage or children. Normalcy just isn't my style, and you guys seem to think that's okay!.

[Medusax]

I have been married for 30 1/2 years. I should not have. If I had it to do over again I would not. Three of my closest friends are not married and have no intention of it. There is no law saying you have to get married. Live your life the way you see fit.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

A big thank you to everyone who responded. I felt so abnormal to not want marriage or children. Normalcy just isn't my style, and you guys seem to think that's okay!.

It used to sound abnormal but not anymore! People used to believe women need a man to function. Nope.

Two of my best girlfriends were never married. It wasn’t really something they planned. But that’s how it played out. They are both busy with hundred of other things, both have successful careers (one just retired), hobbies, friends etc I have several never married female colleagues and they also do lots of different things in life. As I got older I’ve made some new friends and I was pleasantly surprised how many single women are out there.

My daughter is probably your age Lark, or a bit older, she tells me many people her age aren’t considering marriage or kids

Times changed. You do what you want.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by will19

I think that I can relate to that. I totally agree. Like I said earlier, I never got married and as of now, I'm OK with it. When my sister was in her 40s (and I was in my 30s at that time) she seemed desperate to get married. Out of the blue a guy called her up and asked her for a date. It was someone that she had gone to school with many years ago. They went out for the first time and it didn't seem like much came out of it. But he had asked her out again some time later and she accepted.

As time went on, they saw each other more but it didn't seem serious. And then he just wanted to go out with her and never get married. My sister sought to try to change it. She wanted to get married. To me, I think that the main reason she wanted to get married was so that she could quit her job that she couldn't stand and have children. It turned out that my parents and I didn't like him and saw some red flags. She gave him an ultimatum to get married. He caved in. She had asked my parents and I about getting married to him and we disapproved. But then she asked other people and they told her that she should marry him. And so she ended up marrying him.

They adopted kids in their 50s, just starting out with babies at that time. That was a little more than 30 years ago. And now, after both having great paying jobs and pensions, they are over $100,000 in debt. The kids, now young adults, seem messed up. When my sister talks to me, it sounds like something's wrong, but she would never tell me. It strikes me as a "train wreck" at where she is. So I'm not impressed with what has happened.

Holy Molly how do they get into so much debt. It might be something to do with them making some irresponsible financial decisions rather than decision to get married and to have children. Ton of people marry and raise children and don’t accumulate such debt. If they had well paid jobs and have pensions, they shouldn’t have such debt. Maybe they have some issues like gambling or substance abuse.

[NatalieJastrow]

I felt that way from a young age. Even when I was a teen I didn't get asked to dances or whatever and I felt from an early age I just wouldn't get married. Not particularly a choice. I am not considered ugly or morbidly obese (and I see plenty of people who might be this way married) -- I feel there is something about me that sends the message I do not want it. Perhaps it is my introvert nature but people do not think of me... men, women, transgender... people do not approach me.

At this point in the world I think marriage is just a recipe for disaster for most people. All of my friends who got married all ended up divorced. They all spent their savings on weddings and then, the inevitable divorce. Most relationships that have lasted were living together situations.

Marriage for most of history was a simple property transaction. Women could not work so their parents needed to find a way to support them once they died. So they got the woman married (which was then for life). The woman had the children and took care of them. The man took care of all of them. It was a reasonable situation. But this century that drastically changed. Women went to work, and the men imho simply aren't going to change. They aren't going to take care of the kids. They aren't going to clean up around the house. It is not in their nature. This situation has made everything worse for everyone. The women now have to work, have kids, take care of the kids and take care of the house. The man basically does nothing but often is looking for a job as with women in the workplace, there are less jobs and less good paying jobs. Women are exhausted they don't want to have kids... or sex... the man is frustrated about not getting sex. And the relationship drastically goes down hill.

Seen it so many times.

There is the rare occasion where I see a strong healthy relationship but for the most part, I just see misery.

[buddha1too]

My partner & I were both married & divorced from other people many years ago. We've been living together for 18 years & are very happy together. For us, marriage is just a piece of paper. We've taken care of estate stuff through wills, so we can take care of each other if something should happen to one of us. I think there's something about living together by choice (rather than by law) that keeps us growing as a couple.

Do what you feel comfortable with. There are so many different choices & paths to discover these days, LIteraryLark. It's important to feel at peace with the choices we make...especially since peace can sometimes be an illusive thing for folks with mental illnesses.

[Mendingmysoul]

@NatalieJastrow
Very good post.

[rechu]

buddha1too - That's great that you were able to arrange a lot of things through wills, etc. This country has a horrible, antiquated inheritance law, that would leave me in a bad place if my husband were to die before his mom. Although we are married, she would be entitled to part of his estate, even though they are estranged and everything we have we have built without any help from her. At least she gets less because we are married.

NatalieJastrow - That's really sad you see so many cases like that. I have to think these women saw what their potential husbands were like before they got married. Maybe they thought they would change? I can think of two situations where the relationship is like that.

There was my ex's brother. Total baby of the family, he never was expected to help out around the house at all. He lived at home until he was married and his mom did everything for him, always had dinner waiting when he got home from work, ironed his work clothes and so on . I saw what he was like every time my ex and I went to his parents' house for lunch. His girlfriend, later wife, seemed to think she would change him. It didn't happen. After they were married and had their first kid, I asked her how married life was and all she did was complain about how he never picked up after himself and she was stuck doing almost all of the childcare. They both worked. I saw her after my ex and I split one time on the street and she was pregnant again.


Another case was a former co-worker of my husband. Once she invited us for a dinner to celebrate her birthday. Her partner didn't lift a finger. He sat there watching while she got the door, took people's coats, cooked, set the table, served wine, etc. I remember that when we got out of the apartment and were on our way home, my husband and I both said we were shocked that it was her birthday and he didn't even help her. Definitely a machista Chilean guy. They never married, but are still together and now have two kids. It doesn't sound like he does much to help out with the kids either, not surprisingly.


Fortunately, my marriage and many friends' marriages seem more balanced. Both partners work and contribute around the house. That's how it works at my house too.

[NatalieJastrow]

Originally Posted by rechu

There was my ex's brother. Total baby of the family, he never was expected to help out around the house at all. He lived at home until he was married and his mom did everything for him, always had dinner waiting when he got home from work, ironed his work clothes and so on .

This is definitely the prototype I am seeing. This is my brother absolutely. He also lived at home until he was married and his mother did things for him. And also told him how great he was. So even now he thinks he is some great catch even though he doesn't have a job, is overweight, and plays video games all day.

As for how he got married.. he lied. Maybe he even lied to himself. I have never been friendly with his wife because I didn't want to betray him but giving up the truth. But I also truly thought for a while he might have changed.

But many of my friends I think were just so pushed to get married to ANYONE.. they either didn't see it or hoped it wouldn't happen to them. Marriage itself has become such a necessary thing to be "successful" that people just cave.

Of course I am not saying there aren't great guys out there but they are in the very very small minority.