My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

nonightowl · Sep 11, 2021, 06:47 PM

And after all that, I forgot to say how these "friends" know I struggle with rent and now have to go live with some stranger eventually, renting a ROOM.

Not one of them offered even the smallest gesture, like helping with food, rent, or something. I don't even have anyone to go with me to look at a place, whenever that happens. Going alone would not be safe, but if someone killed me at least I won't have to worry about rent or finding genuine friends.

B said their house is cluttered when I said I've got no family or friends to take me in. She then said "Unless you want to sleep on the kitchen floor." I said, "It's better than a tent." NO comment from her. What kind of "friend" doesn't care if I end up on the street? I wouldn't do that to HER.

In general, people don't reply to my voicemails, emails, or texts. I have to send a SECOND message. Christ, it takes 10 seconds to return a call but people won't do it! I hate leaving messages at places like doctor's offices because they don't call me back.

I've been trying to get a human to make an appointment with my eye doctor. I keep getting VM, so I had to leave a message with my number, med ID#, and name. The recording said someone would call me back in 1 business day. Well I never got a call...

The volunteer who is a "walking buddy" from the same place mentioned before didn't return my call after 2 days. I thought 2 days was more than reasonable to WAIT for a call. I then left a message that I left her a message 2 days ago and heard nothing back. I also said to please call, and if she changed her mind about walking, that's okay too but at least CALL and say so. I added if she's not comfortable talking to me, then call the office and I'll call them to find a replacement.

She calls back and says sorry I didn't call you. Right...

This all happens to me so much I'm not even shocked anymore. I've gotten to the point where I expect it. My only consolation is this thread. Until I saw this, I felt it was just me and something about me!

I think I'm a good person, and I've got warmth and empathy. Yet I can't find same in "friends".

NOW it's out of my system....for now.

rdgrad15 · Oct 10, 2021, 09:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Hi everyone. Some of my friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. Last week I asked two of them in a group chat if they'd like to go out. Only one replied and said the place I chose was nice. The other one ignored me. Today I invited them both out again and the other lady replied to me this time and said yes but she couldn't talk now and she wasn't interested in the place I mentioned last week.

She said she'd get back to me tonight and I still haven't heard from her and it's almost 8 now. I feel like she's blowing me off. Should I say anything to these friends? If so, how should I state things so that I don't come across and being needy, desperate, or anything negative like that?

Why couldn't she have told me that last week? Weird! I saw them last month in n person and things seemed fine but one of them was a lot more interested in talking to the other lady than me. I was hurt.

That usually happens to be the case and they both never ever want to hang out with me one on one unless no one else is available to go out with. I was told by someone I used to know that it's a lot easier to ignore certain people who are "negative' in groups. They never invite me to hang out with them one on one aside from one time for my birthday last year. When I tired to invite them out one on one, they asked if the other women could come too.

I didn't do anything wrong, but maybe they both didn't want to hear me talk about this former friend again. I kept things brief. I asked them for advice on my marriage and they gave it to me. Maybe they don't care about my problems and are avoiding me because I'm not always fun to be around? They complain about things too like work and one of them complains about her husband as well.

We've known each other for 3-4 years. One lady used to send us lots of jokes in the group chat and even though I asked for more jokes, she didn't send any. It's weird. Another lady in our group moved away and I asked her if it's typical or not to not hear back from one of them. She said no.

Last time I saw them one of them asked me if I found a job which was odd since I did tell them I'm planning to apply for disability. I wonder if they look down on me now and see me as being lazy. They both work f/t. They're aware that I have depression and anxiety issues.

As for the friend I called, I told her not to say anything, but now that was probably a mistake and who knows if she might or not even though it's not likely.

Why do you think that they're ignoring me? Are they maybe doing a slow fade to not hurt my feelings?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know what it's like to have friends suddenly start to distance themselves from you. It's worse when they suddenly go cold turkey immediately without reason or warning. If you were too negative all the time then that could be part of the reason but still no excuse for them to treat you that way. They could easily politely ask you to not be as negative if that bothers them and they are clearly complaining as well so they're being hypocrites.

It honestly sounds like they don't see you as a close friend especially since you mentioned one of them always seems more interested in the other friend than you. It sounds like it could also be an unfortunate case where they may just simply not feel as close to you as you thought they did or as close as you feel towards them. It hurts, it really does and I've had this happen to me many many times. It's happened so many times that I actually expect people to do this to me and don't really get close to others now.

I don't think you did anything particularly wrong. If they complain then they shouldn't be getting annoyed with you complaining as long as it's not done constantly 24/7 since that can be draining. Although if they are doing that, then perhaps you could tell them that they complain too so you didn't see a problem in sharing how you are feeling. The fact that they know you are depressed and anxious makes their behavior even more rude since they know how much that would affect you. It would be better if they were honest rather than giving you the silent treatment.

If they claim they're too busy, that's their way of just trying to avoid hanging out and talking to you. Yes everyone is busy, but in the age of technology at your fingertips, there's absolutely no excuse why they can't send a brief message. People even use their phones at work during breaks or brief moments of downtime. No one is busy 24/7 so they should be able to text or call you back. It sounds like they are making the conscious choice to slowly end the friendship. I hope you are able to make new friends and I know that can be hard. I'm always here if you want to talk or message me.

poshgirl · Oct 10, 2021, 02:22 PM

Jesyka, I can related to how you are feeling.

Friendship dynamics do change, especially when people are obsessed with wealth, looks, etc. Maybe it's jealousy, which can be hard to accept. Perhaps they are embarrassed by your situation and want to distance themselves. Genuine friends will stay and offer help/advice.

Then there's the type who only befriends you as another outlet for their unhealthy obsession with themselves. You won't have any opportunity to share anything about yourself but you will have to listen!

Until you get to know people, be very careful what you say to them. Those who genuinely listen when they ask how you are, they're the ones who will make good friends. Unfortunately, there are very few around these days!

Buffy01 · Oct 11, 2021, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Hi everyone. Some of my friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. Last week I asked two of them in a group chat if they'd like to go out. Only one replied and said the place I chose was nice. The other one ignored me. Today I invited them both out again and the other lady replied to me this time and said yes but she couldn't talk now and she wasn't interested in the place I mentioned last week.

She said she'd get back to me tonight and I still haven't heard from her and it's almost 8 now. I feel like she's blowing me off. Should I say anything to these friends? If so, how should I state things so that I don't come across and being needy, desperate, or anything negative like that?

Why couldn't she have told me that last week? Weird! I saw them last month in n person and things seemed fine but one of them was a lot more interested in talking to the other lady than me. I was hurt.

That usually happens to be the case and they both never ever want to hang out with me one on one unless no one else is available to go out with. I was told by someone I used to know that it's a lot easier to ignore certain people who are "negative' in groups. They never invite me to hang out with them one on one aside from one time for my birthday last year. When I tired to invite them out one on one, they asked if the other women could come too.

I didn't do anything wrong, but maybe they both didn't want to hear me talk about this former friend again. I kept things brief. I asked them for advice on my marriage and they gave it to me. Maybe they don't care about my problems and are avoiding me because I'm not always fun to be around? They complain about things too like work and one of them complains about her husband as well.

We've known each other for 3-4 years. One lady used to send us lots of jokes in the group chat and even though I asked for more jokes, she didn't send any. It's weird. Another lady in our group moved away and I asked her if it's typical or not to not hear back from one of them. She said no.

Last time I saw them one of them asked me if I found a job which was odd since I did tell them I'm planning to apply for disability. I wonder if they look down on me now and see me as being lazy. They both work f/t. They're aware that I have depression and anxiety issues.

As for the friend I called, I told her not to say anything, but now that was probably a mistake and who knows if she might or not even though it's not likely.

Why do you think that they're ignoring me? Are they maybe doing a slow fade to not hurt my feelings?

I’m sorry that this has happened to you. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way. It sound like they are the problem and not you. Can you find another hobby that might help you meet someone?

Oct 11, 2021, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I suspect that some of my friends also don't want to see me sometimes, but by saying no directly, it might be seen as being rude. Why are some people like that? What's wrong with saying sorry, I can't, I'll be busy, I'm to tired, etc...????

I'll tell you why. We are conditioned to avoid conflict by repressing our real feelings, in order to avoid making the other person unhappy with our true feelings.

It's a terminal condition -- no matter how many coaches or self-help gurus out there advise to be vulnerable (Brene Brown). People at the end of the day, when given the choice will avoid a) tell the other person the truth b) lie to save face (to protect themselves from being judged by the person they are rejecting, to avoid feeling guilty for having boundaries).

It's a boundaries game. Boundaries are necessary. But...boundaries aren't always used correctly, or developed well.

Also, it's about communication style. Example: I am a literal communicator. Someone who is an abstract communicator will be driven crazy by my style of communication b/c unlike the abstract person who speaks in metaphors and analogies and euphemisms, I speak in facts and I speak straightforwardly.

So, when I tell an abstract communicator/thinker "I don't like it when you do x,y,z" my brain thinks, "I'm telling them facts so that they will respect me." Whereas the abstract communicator/thinker hears, "I hate you. You are a terrible person" and their brain thinks "Motts is dramatic and hysterical and I want nothing to do with someone who is outspoken and direct."

Does that make sense?

These young women you chase after do not want a genuine friendship with you. They've both shown you this with their actions and told you this. Yet, you continue to chase them.

Once you see value in yourself, you will learn to stop chasing after people who don't see your value (instrinsic value, not the kind of value where you serve a purpose for them like, they need a 4th person so they just call you for example).

It's hard to extract yourself from fair weather friends. But at some point, you need to stop this pattern. It's like you choose to chase after people whom you know will reject you, b/c you already reject yourself. So, it seems like you are seeking out negative validation from others to reinforce your own negative invalidation of yourself. Does that make sense?

Until you accept yourself for who you are and see your own value, you will continue to be stuck in this cycle of chasing after people who don't like you.

nonightowl · Oct 13, 2021, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

It sounds like it could also be an unfortunate case where they may just simply not feel as close to you as you thought they did or as close as you feel towards them. It hurts, it really does and I've had this happen to me many many times. It's happened so many times that I actually expect people to do this to me and don't really get close to others now.

If they claim they're too busy, that's their way of just trying to avoid hanging out and talking to you. Yes everyone is busy, but in the age of technology at your fingertips, there's absolutely no excuse why they can't send a brief message. People even use their phones at work during breaks or brief moments of downtime. No one is busy 24/7 so they should be able to text or call you back. It sounds like they are making the conscious choice to slowly end the friendship. I hope you are able to make new friends and I know that can be hard. I'm always here if you want to talk or message me.

Thanks for this.

Now I feel less alone. It's happened to me many, many times too so like you I expect people to do it at some point.

You're right that nobody is tied up 24/7 literally. They can take a few minutes to send a quick text or make a call, but they don't.

nonightowl · Oct 13, 2021, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poshgirl

Jesyka, I can related to how you are feeling.

Friendship dynamics do change, especially when people are obsessed with wealth, looks, etc. Maybe it's jealousy, which can be hard to accept. Perhaps they are embarrassed by your situation and want to distance themselves. Genuine friends will stay and offer help/advice.

That reminds me of that old saying: Real friends stick by you through thick and thin. I agree! Through good and bad times, not just the good.

rdgrad15 · Oct 13, 2021, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Thanks for this.

Now I feel less alone. It's happened to me many, many times too so like you I expect people to do it at some point.

You're right that nobody is tied up 24/7 literally. They can take a few minutes to send a quick text or make a call, but they don't.

You came to the right place and yeah everyone has some free time to spare, even at work. They’re just making excuses to not talk, they just don’t want to be rude and hope you get the hint even though ignoring someone is still rude. Unfortunately people are very quick to drop others at the drop of a hat, especially if they find out they like someone else more. When that happens, it’s a sign they didn’t see you as a friend in the first place.

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My friends are ignoring me for no apparent reason. What should I do?

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