The ending of my relationship

Just more empty promises. I think if he truly wanted to make things right, he “coulda, shoulda, woulda” straightened himself out while you were still married; the whole finding God stuff just smacks of his desperation to keep his hooks in you.
Your power lies in knowing you can’t hold him accountable (because he doesn’t want to be!), and making your own choices based on that - choices that would benefit you, because he certainly isn’t looking out for your best interests. He may try and throw down road blocks, but there’s almost always a way around!

There comes a time when choosing personal happiness means letting go of being right, especially when you can't be both. You are allowed to want to be happy. If your marriage makes you miserable, you are allowed to not want to be married. I don't think it matters why you're unhappy. I know from personal experience that using another person's infidelity over them makes you feel like you're in control. In reality, the infidelity is in control and it sounds like you may use it as a weapon. I get that you want to hurt him back. Revenge is not happiness.

My father told me before he died that marriage is not a two way street. Its a car on a 10 lane highway moving in both directions merging onto a one lane country road in a constant loop. It takes work by both people to navigate things. Its complicated, messy, and chaotic. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

1. He was abusive for years, you can hold him accountable for that.

2. Allegedly finding God at this late date doesn't change the abusive past.

3. If he were truly religious he would want and pray for what is best for you, he would not not being using God as a tool to shame you and drag you back to him.

4. You don't need to justify your decision to divorce to him or to anyone.

My suggestion is to keep moving forward on your own on the divorce, and to block and not respond to whatever methods of communication he uses to feed you his claims and demands.

Sooo true and I’ve told him this recently - how come you never made a change all that time when I made it clear that changes were needed? He can only say that losing me had an impact on him. Oh yeah and now he claims he’s found God? Come on - get real. Yes, yet another ploy.

I DO feel slightly more empowered by blocking him and by seriously limiting all contact. And walking away is helping me to feel empowered too. So maybe I’m not as disempowered as I had thought just this morning.

It’s not that I want to hurt him back. I want him to know that too much damage occurred and that it’s truly not fixable. And I don’t use his infidelity at all as a weapon. Instead, I’m still very hurt by that in addition to all other hurtful and damaging behaviors and treatment. It’s that I want him to understand that a few weeks of good behavior in no way makes up for all the harm and hurt he caused. I’ve wanted him to know that he’s hurt me greatly in this marriage, which he does now know and acknowledge.

Thanks Bill! Excellent words of wisdom and advice. I’m feeling far better than I was when I posted this morning when I felt completely disempowered. I realize my strength lies in leaving him and in ceasing all forms of contact. Both these things are in fact most empowering. It’s like I’m taking my life back.

I feel like this is because you are still connected to him on an emotional or mental level somewhere. This is normal and it will go away over time. No Contact will help with disengaging completely in this sense too. This IMO is why you feel No Contact is empowering for you, and yes, it's about taking your life back.




I don't understand - he claimed he did enough good for you in the last few weeks, but he also understands he's hurt you greatly? I guess he doesn't understand it enough then. But that's not your problem. IMO don't try to explain to him more about it, as it would invite more abuse. I made that mistake myself, I tried to get him to accept responsibility and he just tried to emotionally and mentally abuse me some more in response. I would have been way better off if I had left right away without first trying to get him to understand and admit to his responsibility. This way I have had to heal just that many more injuries, emotional&mental alike.

Really good point. I noticed that if you don't have anything (or not enough things) to compare to in terms of behaviour and you've already been abused mentally and emotionally, then this stuff can be really gaslighty, claiming that they do these good things while they don't really. It's great how we can remind Have Hope of how it's all ********, even if she knows it is, it must be helping if she hears it from us too. It helped me too back then, a friend I knew back then was really good at it and with that he really helped me leave and not look back even if it was such a harsh truth too (at the time, in the state I was in), the things he was saying about how there was ***** going on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope It’s not that I want to hurt him back. I want him to know that too much damage occurred and that it’s truly not fixable. And I don’t use his infidelity at all as a weapon. Instead, I’m still very hurt by that in addition to all other hurtful and damaging behaviors and treatment. It’s that I want him to understand that a few weeks of good behavior in no way makes up for all the harm and hurt he caused. I’ve wanted him to know that he’s hurt me greatly in this marriage, which he does now know and acknowledge.

The thing is, just like with him, talk is actually meaningless at this point. He knows what you have said( too damaged to recover the relationship) & you know what he says (I've changed)

You don't see his changed behavior & he doesn't see you ending the marriage. That is called "stalemate " not "checkmate"

For either of your words to mean anything to the other, ACTION must be taken appropriate with the words you are saying. Right now you are both just swimming in pointless circles.

Exactly what I was doing before I made my move & left & started a new independent life of my own

Not sure in what way he has the power and you are powerless. Don’t see it. What kind of power does he have that you don’t? So what he thinks he is so great and you are still divorcing him. Its not uncommon to divorce “great” people. You aren’t happy and simply don’t want to be married. Good enough reason. And he was telling you he was the greatest on the very first date. Nothing changed. He still thinks he is the greatest.

Oh he now believes in G-d, oh please. Who cares. Not that long ago just few months back he was drugged up on cocaine using money you gave him from your apartment deposit. So drugged up his nose was bleeding and that was money he was supposed to use for movers to get his crap. Please. What changed? He is clean now?

Is he saying he is now great husband because he is Christian all of a sudden. Please. How do you become of a different faith in few months? And is he saying Christians are all great husbands. Before he was Christian he was terrible? What’s he even trying to say. It doesn’t sit well with me. He makes zero sense and whatever the heck he says is pf no importance

File for divorce. No listening to him anymore. He’ll say anything to break you down . You now think you are powerless. That’s how he gets to you. No more talking to him is the only way

Yeah. I would just say, Have Hope did physically block him, but she hasn't yet mentally blocked him. That may take more time, maybe, I don't know. I'm just saying that as long as Have Hope thinks about what he said, what he thinks, etc etc she's not free of it all yet. She'll have to get to the point where she is easily able to push these thoughts about him out of her mind at will. Until then yes, it will be swimming around in (mental) circles.

Though I do think she'll have to do work processing how he managed to keep her in the relationship. I read the stuff about how it was due to financial concerns but I really doubt that's the whole story. There must be an emotional-psychological side too to it. So she could direct her thoughts to that instead of swimming in these circles. Maybe it would help, just my guess based on what I've had to do myself to process similar things.



And I would say this is also about psychological boundaries. If you realise that your experience and the situation is really about you and your psyche, your feelings, emotions, and you focus on that to figure that out, and focus on your own feelings and own & accept them, rather than focusing on the other person, that sets up a boundary which will help with disengaging from bad patterns (such as the stalemate above) and taking action in effective ways. The above is an example of drawing these boundaries.

Exactly, and that's the part I almost experienced myself. They tried to break me down too. They didn't manage that, I avoided the disaster but it was bad anyway. I got THIS close, but I luckily escaped in time.

I am saying all this because I really don't think Have Hope's husband is a normal person at all. He may very well be a psychopath, I know we don't diagnose here, and I am not doing a diagnosis here, but I have a gut feeling from experience. Sorry that I have to mention such dark things. He really does extreme behaviours.

I stopped explaining it to him - for the last few weeks. I've tried to explain it in about 20 different languages. He finally just recently acknowledged all the hurt and harm he's caused, and that was enough for me to stop.

I've asked him for the marriage certificate, and I've mailed in my application for a copy of it to St Lucia, where we got married. I've also contacted my lawyer to see if he can help me file for divorce and to ask how much that would cost me - but now I realize I need the marriage certificate in order to file. Still, I am taking steps to end this stalemate.

Agreed - he doesn't make any sense. It's a matter of he'll say anything to keep me hoping and hooked on him. At least he can no longer bombard me with his insane texts, or by email. I've put a stop to both now.

Yes - I've drawn these mental boundaries for myself. If I start down the road of thinking about him and how HE feels, I change my thoughts to focus on myself and how I feel.

He does still have some sort of an emotional hold on me, but that's natural, as you said, and will fade in time. I know it's only because I am alone now and feel lonely at times.

My very first post in this thread was about how I've disappeared after dealing with my abusive, self absorbed and self centered husband. And yes, he could be a psychopath, I do not really know, but I am doing anything and everything lately to get myself back.

Yesterday, I drove myself to the beach and hung out solo for an hour, listening to my music. I've been decorating my apartment to my liking now that he's gone, and I've bought several pieces of artwork, new bed sheets, a new bed cover, a rug and some other things to decorate the way I prefer and love. I am listening to my own music, and I am watching uplifting sermons on TV that help to ground me in who I am. I feel myself very slowly coming back, but it's taking time.

He does seem to steal my thoughts, so I try to redirect my thoughts back to myself every time I find myself ruminating on him or on how HE feels. I am creating mental boundaries now in order to heal, to focus on myself and to bring myself back to life. It's not easy to do... like on my drive to the beach I found myself wondering about him, and I had to purposefully stop myself and think about something else.

Not seeing his posts on Facebook is helping A LOT. And stopping him from texting me is helping a LOT. I finally have breathing room to focus on ME. He had flooded me with so many messages all about him, that I got sucked into thinking only about him. It's time to think about myself, take care of myself and recover.

These are very positive steps and I predict they will bear fruit.

Good work particularly to bring your thoughts back from him to the present. Every time you do this, no matter how often it happens, you are enhancing your mindfulness. Give yourself a high five each time!

I know in my situation it was easier to not think about my EX because I was 2100 miles away in a new home on a farm in a new town & I realized months later I was NEVER thinking about him. I was told all my life that absence makes the heart grow fonder.... lol....I KNEW THEN that absence was the absolute best thing I ever did. Now only time I think about him is when I am still dealing with the legal battles & the financial things he has done that are still screwing me up financially. The rest of the time though my wonderful environment fills up my thoughts.

You will get to that point & the mindfulness you are doing to redirect your thoughts is great

@Bill3, thanks so much for the validation.

I am giving myself high fives every time I redirect my thoughts and energy away from him. The more I do this, the better I feel!