[hvert]

My husband started working from home last year. I have found it very disruptive. He shouts at his computer throughout the day. If someone annoys him at work, he comes to tell me about it. Our house is very small so I can hear him no matter where I go.

I am trying to change careers. Most of the work I'm doing right now is not paid, but I am enrolled in a few classes, doing probono projects to gain experience, and working on a written portfolio due in August that will be graded and open a lot of doors. My work product is a technical form of writing that requires a lot of concentration and focus. When he interrupts me to rant about his day, I lose my focus. It also sets me on edge because it is so negative. I am just so tired of it.

I have asked him so many times to stop but nothing changes. I feel like his attitude is that since I am not getting paid (until this week!), that it doesn't count as work and he should feel free to interrupt me. Or maybe it is not even that complicated - it is as simple as whatever I am doing couldn't be as important as listening to him. He claims I interrupt him also but if I do, it is to ask him what he wants for lunch and it's extremely infrequent, maybe a few times a week vs. multiple times per day.

I don't really know where to go from here. I just feel like I am losing my mind due to not having solid blocks of time to focus and the constant threat of an interruption. If I am sitting in the room next to his, it can be every fifteen minutes on a bad day. Now I sit as far away from his office as possible which limits it to once an hour or two.

[buddha1too]

It does sound like that would be a very difficult situation to go through. I'm sorry you're experiencing it. These are strange times for many couples & families. Too much together time can be a bad thing -- especially given your husband's tendency to yell & use you as a sounding board. First off, I hope everyone can return to some kind of "new normal" soon with the rate of vaccinations going up. Secondly, I hope you find success in your new career. Writing does take a lot of undivided concentration. Hang in there, hvert.

[hvert]

Thanks, I think you hit the nail on the head for too much together time. I can't wait until we can get out of the house again.

[TunedOut]

What about locking the door with a note on the door saying: "in case of an emergency, text me" plus ear plugs? Maybe unworkable but just tossing some ideas out there.

[hvert]

Doors have been a source of conflict too, lol. For months I had no door in the room I normally work in because a construction project required a temporary removal and then we had to modify it before we could rehang. Now the door is back on but it does not work. I need to figure out how to fix it but if my husband sees me doing it, he will try to take over and we do not agree on the solution. Maybe I will do it when he goes out tomorrow.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry that things are being difficult! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that these may prove to be difficult times for some of the couples. Perhaps try to talk about this peacefully with him and make him understand that this behavior isn't letting you work well. i Hope and Pray that you'll both be able to reach some sort agreement and stop some of the stress at least. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @hvert, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[rechu]

Originally Posted by hvert

Thanks, I think you hit the nail on the head for too much together time. I can't wait until we can get out of the house again.

Yeah. I think a lot of people are feeling the same way. I have worked from home most of the time that my husband and I have been together, but he's always worked at an office until March of last year when they moved to telecommuting.

It's had its challenges too. He doesn't so much yell at the computer, but he has calls with clients and Zoom meetings with the law student interns he supervises. That is the most annoying because he explains them the same things to them all the time. I even get frustrated with them! It doesn't help that I am trying to concentrate on work in English and he's talking in Spanish. I finally got myself some noise cancelling bluetooth headphones and listen to music on YouTube when he is on calls and in meetings to deal with that. But, more generally, I miss having the house to myself and my own routines during the day.

I really hope the end is in sight for all of our sakes. I don't think people were meant to spend THIS much time together.

[Open Eyes]

I can so relate to what you are describing @hvert. I learned that my husband's behaviors like what you are describing are due to his ADHD. My husband is exactly like what you are describing, loud and vocal, even when we sit and watch TV he can get like that.

Yup, not easy to be around.

[hvert]

I miss having the house to myself so much. I suspect my husband will be working from home permanently for as long as he stays in this job. I also find I have negative feelings towards some of my husband's coworkers after listening to his meetings. There's one woman who is nice and hard working but her voice! Some of the others just crack me up, they have such ridiculous excuses for not turning in any work.

Open Eyes, I think you are onto something with the ADHD.


Overall, working in a different part of the house does improve things. I think I'm feeling unfocused today and blaming him instead of sorting out my own issues.

[hvert]

I am so excited - he's going out tonight! I should get at least two hours alone

[Open Eyes]

Lol I can relate to being elated to having the house to myself. I hear you on that on.🥳

[buddha1too]

As long as your husbands aren't found floating facedown in a nearby lake, I approve of your longing to be alone!

[hvert]

Ha ha, the lakes are still frozen here


I had about 6 hours of the house to myself this weekend and it was WONDERFUL. I got so much done. Why is it so much easier to focus when I am alone? How can I learn to focus when I am interrupted? My professional roles have been mostly support focused which means my days are just one long string of interruptions. I loathe my old career and do not want to go back to. Is this shading my perceptions of my husband's interruptions?

[Open Eyes]

My professional roles have been mostly support focused which means my days are just one long string of interruptions

Yes, but you were in the control position where you had a program to follow. That's different when dealing with someone in your home environment where that individual can intrude on your private space, a space that is supposed to be YOUR place as a safe space. Your husband also was not IN your work environment, nor did you go to work with him. So you both had your own space to work. Now he has brought that into the home which changes the home environment a lot.

[hvert]

So I finally found a solution to the interruption problem and started getting up at 3 or 4 to work. He has always been a late sleeper so I was able to get a lot of work done before he got up. I always got up earlier but frittered away the morning on non-essential tasks.


Now he is waking up at 5 or 6. I want to scream. In all the years I've known him, he's never gotten up before 8. I'm sitting there working and he has to ask if the laundry is clean. Show me a picture. Show me something he saw online. Why???? Why does he keep doing this no matter how many times I ask him not to?

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by hvert

I miss having the house to myself so much. I suspect my husband will be working from home permanently for as long as he stays in this job. I also find I have negative feelings towards some of my husband's coworkers after listening to his meetings. There's one woman who is nice and hard working but her voice! Some of the others just crack me up, they have such ridiculous excuses for not turning in any work.

Open Eyes, I think you are onto something with the ADHD.


Overall, working in a different part of the house does improve things. I think I'm feeling unfocused today and blaming him instead of sorting out my own issues.

You're even having to hear his colleagues as well? Can't he use headphones for his meetings? I live alone and I still use headphones to not annoy my neighbours. Most of my colleagues use headphones as well.

Noise cancelling headphones for you would probably also be a good idea. I'd just refuse to listen to his rants, not look up from your own work.

[hvert]

He was using headphones at one point but stopped. I decided to look for office space but it's more expensive than I thought it would be. I'm surprised there aren't more deals with so many people working from home.

[Open Eyes]

What about a small effiency apartment. If you don’t have customers and have to have a business sign you don’t have to look for a commercial rental space.

[hvert]

I would take a shed with electricity at this point, lol. I have no idea what to do. Is it possible to desensitize myself so that I can quickly recover from interruptions? Or should I just lock the doors of the room I'm working in?


I just talked to him again. He wants to figure out a solution. He wants solo time also and there has to be a way we can do this even in this small space.

[Molinit]

The constant interruptions even when requested not to and the use of headphones before but no longer (again in context where you have requested no interruptions seems like poor memory or judgment) - what is his age and how does his cognition seem? Is he having any issues with job performance? My thought is very early cognitive impairment.

[leomama]

I was going to ask what your ages were. Some work environments are like that. From my perspective you have a spouse, a house, and can work from home? You are triply blessed. I would love to have those things.

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[hvert]

It sounds good in theory, but at least if we were in a real workplace, these behaviors would not be tolerated. Having someone come to rant about his latest problem at work and shout at you when you don't respond the right way does not feel like a blessing.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by hvert

It sounds good in theory, but at least if we were in a real workplace, these behaviors would not be tolerated. Having someone come to rant about his latest problem at work and shout at you when you don't respond the right way does not feel like a blessing.

No that is not a blessing however those kind of behaviors are present in out of home workplaces. You can’t change other people only yourself . Change what you can, accept what you can’t.

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