The boyfriend

Yeah going upstairs to say hello the minute you arrive is unnecessary. That is not reasonable. It’s not like she is at the door. Thanks for clarifying.

He IS sober? You said he is but then you said he is not, now he is again. Is he confusing you about his sobriety or something else is happening?

No he is not sober, I am, I gave up 17 years of sobriety from marijuana for him. I think using marijuana triggered a manic episode that I’m having a hard time coming down from which I’ll post about in the bipolar forum. I don’t know what’s going on with me. He is definitely not at all sober in any way shape or form. He says he cut down his drinking , that’s all I said.
Oh and sometimes she is at the top of the stairs when he comes home, I told him go in through the garage. That’s his problem not mine. I should’ve posted about that a long time ago when it first happened but I couldn’t drive away so I was stuck. We’ve been arguing about his mom since the honeymoon phase ended. He puts her emotional well-being ahead of mine which is why I stopped going over there. Today when I told him using marijuana triggered a manic episode I was met with silence followed by telling me the cats he was house sitting were fighting. Like he asked if he could spend the night tomorrow and I was like I don’t want to sit at my dining room table and watch you drink.

There is nothing to negotiate. By negotiating instead of enforcing your (strong) boundary (i.e. "no") all you are showing him is that you can be pushed around. No wonder he won't let you go. He thinks he can get what he wants and you will capitulate.

PS: And were you dating him or was his mother dating him?! It's none of her business what you decide for your personal relationship. Why let these people (ex-bf, ex-bf's mother) push you around? Stand your ground. No means 'no'.

Oh I think I got what you mean now. When you say “he is sober and I am not”, you mean he says that/it’s his perception. When in reality he isn’t sober at all. I thought I was losing my mind. You keep saying he is sober and then he isn’t ugh lol I see now what you mean

If you are breaking up, there is no reason for him to come over.

This reminds me of when I was breaking up with my ex fiancé the first time cause he hadn’t filed for divorce after 3 years.

You’re not the first person to ask if I was also dating his mother.

I’d been telling him for 1 year it was triggering to have to greet his mom first thing when I got to her house and nothing changed . Instead of standing up for me he’d continue to tell me how her feelings were hurt because I wasn’t paying attention to her .

I’m looking for a man to improve my life not make it worse , I have enough challenges as it is.

I’ve noticed you never post and you have nothing identifying on your profile .

Sorry I had a dyslexic moment . He’s not sober I am. Like he has no desire to be sober . He has a desire to harm reduce , that’s not how I do things.

He’s not hearing me when I say I don’t want to hang out with him when he’s not sober so I just let it go. If he asks again I’ll repeat myself . I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s not sober, it’s not good for my mental health. (Or someone who lives with his mom but that’s a different issue). He’s like this is sudden however we’ve been talking about this from the beginning. He drinks, he smokes, he uses marijuana, he doesn’t believe in God, therapy or medication. It’s not a match. He thinks I’m just pointing out all his faults. I’m saying he can’t support me .

I was in a relationship with alcoholic. He insisted because he is highly functioning like gainfully employed and has a nice life on surface, his drinking should not bother me. Please. How can it not bother people? He’d try to quit but never really made a serious effort do he always relapsed. It was hard to end because he also believed I am just pointing his flaws and finding things wrong with him. No I was just saying since he couldn’t stay sober, I couldn’t stay with him

I am married to a man now who doesn’t touch any mind altering substances and what a difference. It’s a blessing.

I hope you can get rid of him

Yeah sounds bout right. Since my bf hasn’t made an effort to get sober only reduce his drinking I can simply say I’m sorry, I want to be sober, and I don’t want to date someone who’s not sober. I know it’s a change however before I met you I was not drinking . Like literally I changed for him, and not in a good way. He’s like his choices shouldn’t affect me but he really doesn’t get how relationships work. This is my third relationship I’ve ended as an adult.

You are ending them for a reason. No need to waste your time if you know it’s not what you need.

It’s easy for him to say that his choices shouldn’t effect you.

Well if he is under influence after 5pm (or whatever time he starts) and is unable to drive somewhere in case of emergency, cannot attend important events, cannot be available for whatever situations might occur, then sure it effects the other person! And not in a good way.

He drinks in such a way that it doesn’t affect his ability to drive. He calculates his drinking. I’ve never seen him drunk, but I can tell when he’s under the influence of marijuana . Regardless not someone that’s appropriate for me .

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