[lovethesun]

My daughter has 2 friends that she's been on the running team with for years. This is their last year on the team and it's a tradition to pick a team captain from these senior members. My daughter has proven to be one of the fastest runners on the team, earning awards for her team and her coach. The other 2 friends have not been as fast and even missed races for various reasons. The coach asked one of the 2 friends to lead work outs for the team at practice. Both the friends ended up leading work outs as the one friend asked the other to help her. Neither one ever asked my daughter to join them. For 2 weeks these 2 girls led the team in work outs and my daughter did not say or do anything about it. Then low and behold a vote was held and the team voted the 2 girls captain who were leading the workouts. Was my daughter waiting to be asked? Did she choose not to push her way in for fear of taking away from her friends privilege? Did being a captain just not matter enough to her to do anything about it? I really don't know. When questioned, my daughter acted upset and said she was mad they never asked her. I told her if it mattered that much to her she should have barged in on it the first time they lead a practice and asked to join in. Then she said something about only barging in on something she's actually passionate about being a part of. It's hard for me to advise on this situation. My daughter tends to be a more introverted person and being a leader does not come naturally. Yet she's annoyed to be one of the best on the team and having to take orders from 2 friends that maybe should have been more inclusive instead of exclusive. I also think the coach should have given the team a list of all the senior members so they could all have been considered equally. And I don't have proof that the 2 friends were trying to one-up my daughter as it was the coach that asked them and not the other way around. But they probably knew what the work out lead privileges would lead to and had no qualms about proceeding and leaving my daughter out. I wasn't born yesterday. I know opportunists when I see it. I got angry at my daughter for not pushing in on the 2 friends and not being more assertive and aggressive about it. My daughter cried and just kept telling me that's not her way. I guess I need to respect who my daughter is. Not everyone is an aggressive loud mouth. I suggested that my daughter speak to the coach and ask if there were other opportunities to assist the team and explain her disappointment about the way the captain thing was handled. I left the ball in my daughter's court. She came home today and didn't mention it so I take that to mean she did not speak with the coach. Do any of you have any opinions on this? Are the friends villains? IS my daughter at fault for being a non-confrontational person? or am I making more out of this than there is? Thanks for any insight.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @lovethesun: Please know that understand and know what its like to see a child passed over or overlooked for sports, clubs, activities and other skilled areas so i I dont want you to think I am harsh.

Originally Posted by lovethesun

My daughter has 2 friends that she's been on the running team with for years. This is their last year on the team and it's a tradition to pick a team captain from these senior members. My daughter has proven to be one of the fastest runners on the team, earning awards for her team and her coach. The other 2 friends have not been as fast and even missed races for various reasons. The coach asked one of the 2 friends to lead work outs for the team at practice. Both the friends ended up leading work outs as the one friend asked the other to help her. Neither one ever asked my daughter to join them. For 2 weeks these 2 girls led the team in work outs and my daughter did not say or do anything about it.

Are you saying your daughter wasnt actually ok with this set up but didnt say anything? Do you mean your daughter was ok with it for the most part? Can you blame your daughter for not jumping into lead workouts if the coach selected another girl even if that girl got her friend to help too?

Then low and behold a vote was held and the team voted the 2 girls captain who were leading the workouts. Was my daughter waiting to be asked? Did she choose not to push her way in for fear of taking away from her friends privilege? Did being a captain just not matter enough to her to do anything about it?

Does your daughter typically push her way into things? Did she say she wanted to be captain at some point? Maybe she was waiting for the coach to tell her if she should help?

I really don't know. When questioned, my daughter acted upset and said she was mad they never asked her. I told her if it mattered that much to her she should have barged in on it the first time they lead a practice and asked to join in.

Is it possible your daughter was feigning being upset about not being captain? Is she one to barge in on people? It probably means a whole lot to her in one way or another but maybe shes embarassed?

Then she said something about only barging in on something she's actually passionate about being a part of. It's hard for me to advise on this situation. My daughter tends to be a more introverted person and being a leader does not come naturally. Yet she's annoyed to be one of the best on the team and having to take orders from 2 friends that maybe should have been more inclusive instead of exclusive.

Saying that she would only barge in on something she is passionate about sounds like deflection. It is much easier for a teen to deflect that admit they are ashamed or hurt. She probably feels inadequate. You say she is one of the best on the team. Were these girls not also one of the best on the team? Were they not as good as your daughter? Is your daughter normally friends with these two girls?

I also think the coach should have given the team a list of all the senior members so they could all have been considered equally. And I don't have proof that the 2 friends were trying to one-up my daughter as it was the coach that asked them and not the other way around. But they probably knew what the work out lead privileges would lead to and had no qualms about proceeding and leaving my daughter out.

Are these girls just awful people that they would plan on attempting to lead the work outs in order to screw over your daughter? Is it wrong for them to want to be captain as well as your daughter? And when you say "one up" what do you mean?

I wasn't born yesterday. I know opportunists when I see it. I got angry at my daughter for not pushing in on the 2 friends and not being more assertive and aggressive about it. My daughter cried and just kept telling me that's not her way. I guess I need to respect who my daughter is. Not everyone is an aggressive loud mouth. I suggested that my daughter speak to the coach and ask if there were other opportunities to assist the team and explain her disappointment about the way the captain thing was handled. I left the ball in my daughter's court. She came home today and didn't mention it so I take that to mean she did not speak with the coach. Do any of you have any opinions on this? Are the friends villains? IS my daughter at fault for being a non-confrontational person? or am I making more out of this than there is? Thanks for any insight.

I dont know if I would call the other two girls opportunists because they want what every other senior wants in sports. It sounds like your daughter is not a pusher and not one to be confrontational. Is that true? Is she direct and decisive in other areas of her life except the team? Are all three girls friends that screw each other over or are they friendly teammates?

And I am not trying to say you are wrong or that you did anything wrong. I dont know how many kids you have (not that it matters) but I have three. My oldest son is now 25- adhd, stroke survivor and just started law school. My middle daughter is 21 in a bad relationship and raising my grandson. My youngest is 18 and just graduated and starts college soon. All three very different people. I have gone to bat for all of them for one injustice or another. With my son I had to fight the school district from pre-k on up for everything he needed to be successful from when he had an IEP and took meds, to making sure the evals for the G&T program were fair for all students. I know I was a pain to that school. But I was so hung up on my son Jake not getting the same opportunities as NT kids that I approached things with an air of assumption and suspicion- as if people had it out for him. My middle daughter is adhd among other things and with her i feel like I was too kid gloved with her to the point where she really learned how to manipulate me. And with my third daughter who is a very anxious person- she is always worried about upsetting people even when she is right and does deserve better but having practiced on the first two I worked on listening more, talking less. I learned that my opinion didnt need to be given to the kids just because I had one. I learned to become someone who picked her battles. So two years ago when she came home crying AGAIN because the replacement choir teacher was intimidating and played favorites and yelled at her which made her more nervous to sing and didnt seem to take a child's sensitive nature into consideration- I realized I had to say something. Music was what she loved. I first spewed out my whole take on things to an ally teacher and then emailed the choir teacher. I was honest and told her my daughter was scared of her, really didnt want to disappoint her and had a geniune fear of letting the teacher down. I put it in a way that made it seem like I was letting the teacher in on some secret about my daughter. But I laid it all out but with the guise of us working as a team. Shes not a heartless person what teacher or coach can get angry for something like a child who has anxiety?
I didnt tell my daughter I did that until I sent the email and got a reply from the teacher. My daughter was upset because she thought it was a negative thing. But low and behold that was the last barrier between her and this teacher. She got equal opportunities to audition for solos and got them. She did musicals and plays. She actually won a 500$ scholarship for choir.

I know I have gone on an on, its late for me. Whats my point? I guess my long winded point is- is your daughter afraid to be honest with you because of how you will react? How important is being captain? Is it important enough to bring it up again or can it be let go? Do you think her team mates are truly underhanded?

[Rive.]

That ball is in your daughter's court. I think you gave good advice re speaking to her coach. Whether she does or not, is up to her.

The friends aren't necessarily villains - there are a lot of thoughts brewing in your head and with no clear way to know for sure, merely speculation at this point. I would not necessarily judge the friends as "villains" or your daughter as being "non-confrontational".

She is young. You mention she is an introvert, so it must be a tough situation to know how to navigate esp with friends. It is also a good learning experience for her - such things happen in life. Some people will one-up others. Learning how to deal with it, express needs (or not), the ensuing feelings etc. is a good life lesson.

You've talked to your daughter and advised her. The rest is up to her. I would not overthink it and would drop it. She has to learn for herself now: stand up for what she wants, express her needs... or not. She has to figure it out now.

[rechu]

I agree with Rive. You gave her advice, I think it is now her turn to decide what to do. It sounds like she's a teenager? If so, she is going to be out in the world on her own soon and she will have to handle these situations herself.

[lovethesun]

You all gave some great thoughts to consider. She is a teenager and will be out on her own next year after graduation. Which is what causes me to double down on her with situations like this because I feel like this is my last year to help her understand about life. Her friends may not have been trying to out do her here, but like Rive said there are people out there who WILL always be looking to one-up others to get ahead. I want her to be able to recognize it and handle it. But I also see that there is not a one-size-fits-all way to handle things and it depends on what the person wants. If my daughter really wants something going forward, my hope is that she will be able to see the opportunists and step up to be heard. I realize that being young and a natural introvert tends to make that more difficult. I am also not the best at handling situations myself. I tend to react with immediate anger and go after the person or situation like a wrecking ball. Which leads to problems all of its own with my daughter. As Sarahsweets said above, I think my daughter was deflecting when she answered my barrage of questions out of fear of my reactions. My words to my daughter today were to not let this situation cloud her passion for running. It's her last year and she should make the most of it and have fun. This captain thing is probably water under the bridge at this point. I can tell, though, that she's still harboring some disappointment and resentment towards the friends.

[Rive.]

To be honest with you, I have more issues with the coach asking these 2 girls to lead the workouts than those 2 girls... I mean, if your daughter was the fastest runner and had been earning awards, should he not have 'rewarded' her accordingly?

Anyway, I would still chalk it up to one of life's harsh lessons. Life has many of those and your daughter will have to learn to navigate these rough waters.

You did a good job advising her. Now, she is her own person and she has to decide how to deal with such disappointments.

[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by Rive.

To be honest with you, I have more issues with the coach asking these 2 girls to lead the workouts than those 2 girls... I mean, if your daughter was the fastest runner and had been earning awards, should he not have 'rewarded' her accordingly?

Anyway, I would still chalk it up to one of life's harsh lessons. Life has many of those and your daughter will have to learn to navigate these rough waters.

You did a good job advising her. Now, she is her own person and she has to decide how to deal with such disappointments.

Thank you so much Rive. I agree. The fault lies more with the coach in this situation. I think I know why she asked the 2 friends and not my daughter. The dad of one of the friends is a club track coach. He's a great guy and cares a lot about the sport of running. This coach was not giving the team decent practices so this dad, I believe, gave the coach his copy of the work out routines he has his team do so that the school team could have more beneficial practices. He had his daughter give it to the coach. I think the coach decided to just off load the responsibility onto this dad's daughter by having her lead the work outs. So the team voted her captain cause they just chose the person who happened to be leading them at the time. The other girl also got it as she had been asked to help. So her election was by default I guess you could say. no consideration whatsoever for the best runners on the team. the 2 friends told my daughter they did not ask her to join them cause the coach just asked them to do it. Although that did not stop friend 1 from asking friend 2 to join her, so I'm leaning towards calling "BS!" on that explanation. But like you said, it's a life lesson and my dad always told me "lessons hard learned are not easily forgotten".

[lizardlady]

Just something to consider... some times the person who is best at a sport is not the best person to coach others in the sport. Teaching and doing are two different things.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for what is going on! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i believe i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that it is now up to her to decide what to do. You ave her some advice and i think it is important to take responsabilities. i am not sure if i'd talk of villains in this case but i believe i can understand your concern at least. Still try to let her figure it out on her own. i think it may be useful to consider past behavior from these two friends if possible. Have they already tried it? i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Please Do update us if possible if you want to obviously. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @lovethesun, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Bill3]

Then she said something about only barging in on something she's actually passionate about being a part of. ... My daughter cried and just kept telling me that's not her way. I guess I need to respect who my daughter is.

To me, these passages sum up the situation.

I left the ball in my daughter's court.

Well done!

[ArtleyWilkins]

Not your issue. Try to stay out of it. Older high schoolers generally don't want parental interference for the most part (I teach this age).

My youngest was very much the introvert in high school, and while he was probably the "best" in his organizations, he wasn't particularly in any leadership positions. Leadership positions go to those with more assertive, leadership skills - not always the best at the activity. That doesn't even mean introverts are never leaders, but it does take the drive and willingness to be that leader. He wasn't driven that way as a high schooler.

Interestingly enough, in college, he is considered THE leader in his department, and he's still an introvert. But he has developed some truly close and more mature relationships in college which has brought out a bit more social aspect to his character. He's also VERY good at what he is studying which has developed his self-confidence and has landed him as highly respected by professors and fellow students alike. He graduates in December and will be excellent in his profession.

Some people just have to find that niche in life, and sometimes that doesn't happen in high school. Don't sweat it too much. She'll find her own way.