need response ideas for my email to a "friend"

Last week, I FB messaged a small group of new friends (we met in person this summer at a social event and joined each other's FB where we regularly communicate to each other through messenger) that I thought it would be great to use a FB room for a video birthday chat for my birthday. The friends agreed.

Last night all but one of the friends joined. When I asked where the missing friend was, one of the mutual friends made an excuse for where the missing friend was, "Oh, she just bought new boots so maybe she's distracted with those."

I'm pretty miffed that this woman chose not to message me beforehand to at least say she wasn't going to be on the video call; or afterward to explain why she missed it. All she gave me was silence. And she's married in her late 40s.

Now, I could just leave it and defriend her and her husband. That's the easiest solution and explain to our mutual friends why she's no longer my friend (not that they'd have to guess as they were there to see my miffed reaction to her absence on my birthday call).

But I'm curious if anyone has a good response or two I could message to this woman. I thought about writing her a message that's BIFF (brief, informative, friendly and firm).

Tell me what you think:

"Dear _______,

I missed you at my virtual birthday video call with our mutual friends. What happened? My feelings are hurt that you didn't reach out to tell me you wouldn't be there.

So-and-so said she spoke to you and said you were busy with your new boots.

I also saw on FB afterward, that you were posting dog videos on your page during my birthday call.

Since you didn't message me at all on my birthday, I am confused by your choices. Makes me feel like you don't respect my friendship.

- Motts"

This "friend" just messaged me with a list of excuses why she didn't join in on my virtual FB video call. She claims "video calls" weird her out, yet she has no problem posting videos of her with her dogs on her FB page. She also waited until the last sentence to write, "sorry if I hurt your feelings," which comes across like an afterthought. After her long list of excuses, a short "sorry IF I hurt your feelings," as though to claim she doesn't think she did hurt my feelings, with the "IF".

A real friend wouldn't have just been a no-show. Or at the very least respected my feelings enough to reach out to say she didn't want to participate in the video call, then make the choice of wishing me a happy birthday and validating the friendship with "I'm so glad we're friends," qualify that she respects my friendship.

What's the best response other than no response? I really am pissed now.

I wonder if her idea of this friendship is different than yours.

theres many kinds of friendships..

Acquaintances are people you just met and havent really built up a history together. I can go to a party and tap elbows, sit down, have a drink and something to eat and a friendly chat but that doesnt make them by best friend buddy buddy come into my home via skype or zoom. I dont know their history or what ever. I just know them from a party kind of friend. thats an example of an acquaintance friend.

maybe thats what this person thinks happened. you were introduced to each other, spent a bit of time together at an event and back to your own lives again with an occasional email or two along the way.

Video calling weirds many people out. its very different than posting a video of a pet. with posting a video of a pet the person doing the videoing has all the control, they can pick and choose where and when, editing and so on.

but video calling that isnt as secure. and the persons involved have no idea whether the other person in the video call is recording them, or doing things they shouldnt be doing behind the camera, who is somewhere unseen, and most people with video calling have to do the video calling in their private homes. nothing like inviting a stranger you just met to come on into your home, looking at your decorations, your laundry, or your living room or bedroom. not many people would invite strangers they just met to video call.

My suggestion is give it some time. pass emails between you, get to know each other better and understand that this person has a family and friends outside of this group of yours. So emails may not come right away. take your time and hopefully this acquaintence will become more of a friendship and if it doesnt thats ok too.

Wow. Just let it go. She apologized.

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding why you are so upset. Do you think this triggered something from your past? I have had people not show up to celebrate my birthday before, and it really didn't bother me.

I guess if this is unacceptable to you, go ahead and unfriend her. I don't think she is going to do anything else to make amends.

I took her "if" to mean "I don't know if I hurt you or not, but in case I did, I'm sorry I hurt you." She reached out and apologized, and gave reasons for why she wasn't able to be there. I'm wondering why you are calling these reasons excuses and why you aren't taking her at face value. She apologized and reached out to you. That's something a friend would do.

To echo downandlonely, if this is really something you can't get past, let her go. But my advice is to cool down and give this a few days before you act.

I guess I'm also not understanding. A virtual birthday party is not my cup of tea and I also don't regard it as a "real" party - so unless you told me YOU'D BETTER TELL ME IF YOU'RE NOT COMING (which would automatically get a response that I'm not coming and no explanation as to why because I don't owe you one), then I would just skip it.

If it were a real life party where food was being prepared or money invested, I definitely would RSVP. Again, no explanation if I'm not coming, because you just need to know yes/no in that case.

I'm thinking this is triggering something from your past because it is a very extreme reaction you are having to this imagined slight. She apologized. Either move on or you can end the friendship WITHOUT a long diatribe as to why.

I wouldn't have sent her anything in the first place.

Your reaction seems disproportionate... It feels like children being upset because their 'best friend' was talking to another child. This woman is an adult choosing not to attend another adult's party. That is her right. So, I would let her be.

Not every person or group of people you meet will be your best friends. There are casual friends, there are acquaintances, or people who can be friendly but not overly invested. There is no need to be so upset if others don't fit your definition of 'real' friend.

I am sorry that the virtual gathering you set up did not go the way you wanted. When it comes to getting people to be present at a gathering it’s actually typical that some don’t show up. This is something I have seen people experience quite a bit over my years of providing entertainment.

Some people fall short and there is not much you can say to change that. Basically this speaks out about them not you. It’s often a waste to expect a genuine regret because if the person had that in them in the first place they would have spoken up sooner. And if you force it chances are you will end up getting some gaslighting type response that only adds more insult.

It would be nice if she showed up or gave you heads up but that didn’t happen. I’d try not to be overly upset especially since she did reach out and apologize

I’d say since you don’t really know her well (only met once at an event awhile back and after that just communicated on FB), you don’t really know what’s going with her. She might not be comfortable to share but maybe she had a panic attack, upset stomach, marital problems, work issue, was depressed about something, her house was too messy for virtual chats, too tired, was wearing a pajama, didn’t take shower today and hair was messy, had a fight with her cousin, reprimanded at work etc

Ton of things could happen that prevents one from joint virtual chats especially with almost strangers. I spend a lot of time on virtual platforms and know how many people are uncomfortable especially doing it from home

Now if it was close family member or long term close friend, I’d see how it’s hurtful but this person seems to be an acquittance rather than a real close friend who owes you an explanation .

All the excuses or reasons in the world why she chose not to participate in my birthday call that she initially proposed with the other acquaintances (it was HER idea to begin with) don't justify her ghosting me the way that she did.

Everyone who has responded in this thread is focused on her possible excuses or reasons and is completely dismissing the core issue here: respect.

Her lack of respect of my feelings is the core issue here. It doesn't matter how long we know each other.

Plus, she was the one who came up with the virtual birthday call to begin with. So, when she offered the lame excuse of how virtual calls weird her out, that really upset me because it's clear that she is lying through her teeth. Why suggest a virtual birthday call if you don't like those?!

Her lack of respect is the core issue here. Obviously, no one thinks 'respect' is important except for me in this thread. Instead, everyone insults me. Yeah, not the way to offer advice here. Just my two cents.

All she had to do was email me ahead of time that she wasn't going to be on the virtual call out of respect for my feelings. You don't have to be best friends with someone to show them respect. People show respect to complete strangers all the time.

So, respect is the issue for me. I don't care about her excuses or reasons for why she chose to ghost me at the last minute. And, I'm not responsible for her choices, which everyone seems to think I am, who have responded here.

I did not set up the virtual birthday gathering. Obviously, I did not make that clear in my OP. She did. Then she ghosted without showing me any respect by explaining why she wasn't going to be there.

This is about respect. Like I previously posted, you can show a complete stranger respect. She could have chosen to show me respect but she chose not to do that. Instead, she had fun posting silly videos of her dogs on her FB page while my virtual birthday call was going on (time stamps on her FB posts showed this).

And her long winded email was all about her - which someone who respects my feelings would not have written. If she really respected my feelings or valued my friendship - new as it is - she would have emailed me before the FB virtuall call to validate my friendship with a quick, nice message and apology.

What she wrote instead was all about her, leaving the least sentence for a quick disingenuous apology "sorry IF you felt I hurt your feelings." She was not interested in taking responsibility for her choices or her message to me would not have 100% been about her, which it was.

Anyway, I deleted her from my FB so the issue is moot now. I have zero time for ********.

If it were me I would have let it go before even sending the email. It would not be worth my emotional investment.

I wouldn’t have given it much relevance, only something to take into account for the future in case it might be needed.

I agree with you about this person being disrespectful. That’s why all she did was reply with the gaslighting responses. She probably does that a lot and doesn’t realize how bad that makes her look. She is showing you how weak she is as a person.

It wasn’t clear it was her idea from the original post, but in that case I can see why you’d be perplexed as to why she didn’t show up. If you already felt like close friends before this (because some friendships can feel closer/more intense in a relatively short time) then I can see why you’d feel upset she suggested the call, then skipped out on it, only to be doing something else on Facebook at the time it was on.
If she hadn’t been on the site, you could more easily have put it down to something else coming up.
If you really feel a need to send anything, I would keep it to a brief “hey, what happened to you?” But really, it comes down to whether you’d like the friendship to continue anyway.

I think people were surprised of intensity of your reaction to this. Also looks like we all misunderstood what happened. So it turns out what you described in your original post is not what happened?

Your original post states that you thought it would be great if everyone had a chat on your birthday, you proposed and they agreed and then one didn’t show up. I had to reread it again to make sure I didn’t misread.

It turns out she was the one who proposed it and more so she was the one to “set up” the meeting. If that’s the case then it’s weird for a host not to show up. I and others understood that you hosted a virtual party for your birthday not that she did.

In this new context it’s weird and unkind for her to not show up. I’d not say it’s ghosting though, ghosting would be not even getting back to you. She did contact you. But not showing up is bizarre if she the one set it up

Listen, it’s understandable you are upset. Someone invited me and others over and then we all show up but the host isn’t there, I’d be upset too!

It’s just perhaps the intensity of it seems extreme. We are who are and you previously shared how your reactions are very strong and often out of proportion.

Again some people are intense in their reactions, i get it. But in a long scheme of things how important is it that this person attends your virtual birthday party? In a long scheme of things how intense reactions help you to be happy and successful in life? I’d take focus of her for a moment and focus on my own feelings and needs. Clearly she isn’t the kind of person you want as a friend then it’s ok to drop her. No need to be friends if you find her behavior unacceptable. But if it’s the first time she showed lack of consideration then maybe after you calm down, you’d reconsider. Either way is acceptable in my opinion

Oh I see you already dropped her. Looks like it’s resolved. Hope your other friends stay in the group. I wonder what they’d think of her not being part of group anymore

Glad you decided to move on.

I'm glad you decided to move on, too.

I've had people make plans for me and then cancel without even telling me. I can handle people canceling on me if they let me know in advance - or even the day of, especially if they are disabled. I understand that things happen last-minute, too, with those who have busy schedules and all. But when someone else plans something for a special occasion, like your birthday, it's really disheartening to be ghosted. It's one thing if there was an emergency, but another thing if the person just drops all plans.

Hopefully your choice brings you closure to this chapter and this relationship.

I also hope that you had a good birthday, despite all that transpired. I think it is great that you were all able to safely socially distance at that time for your birthday! It shows that you all care for one another's health and the community's health, too! Although it is a small sacrifice to make during a pandemic, I really think that the idea was awesome! I tried to ask for people to celebrate the holidays and my own birthdays these past two years during this pandemic, but no one did. They'd send a quick text or make a lengthy phone call, but they wouldn't Zoom or video chat. I'm not as lucky as you!

I wish you a belated birthday!

Thank you everyone who posted after my most recent response. I am sorry for any confusion that my OP caused. I did write my story in a way that made it seem like I had set up my own virtual birthday call and for that I apologize. She was the one to suggest it as her idea -- then she didn't even have the respect to send me a quick message explaining why she needed to not attend it. She just didn't show up and she had the gall to chat with our mutual friends online BEFORE they met with me via video. I mean, the gall!! Who does that kind of thing.

Whether or not my reaction was intense is best left to each person. I react the way that I react. No need to apologize or over-explain my personality quirks to anyone. I wouldn't require that of anyone so I won't feel obligated to do that here. To each his/her own.

I will say that my interpersonal expectations/boundaries are thus: if you initiate plans but are a now show without any explanation that equals "ghosting" to me. Had she sent a message explaining her absence all would be forgiven. Because that is a gesture of respect of my feelings since she suggested the virtual birthday call. Anyone who is the plan initiator who is a no show without any explanation as to why, is, a real jerk. Someone who doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. She is not the first nor will she be the last type of selfish person to cross my path. It's very rare that this has happened to me and when it does, it triggers me, for sure. I would NEVER do that to anyone for any reason. Ever.

Her loss - my friendship. There is no excuse justifiable enough to just be a no-show at a party you planned. That's just rude no matter which way you examine it.

It does seem strange that it was her suggestion then she can't be bothered to turn up.

We all like to have a good birthday, I know how it feels if you have a disappointing one. My advice would have been to not contact her about her "no show". It's often better to "play the long game" and wait for her next move. She's not the good friend you thought she was.

We are all different with expectations about friendships. I'll quote a couple of examples from my own. There was a group of us who'd been at the same senior school. Yes, with hindsight, the friendship should have finished then. One escaped a dominant mother by going to uni. Cue outrageous behaviour, failure to contact anyone. She was invited to another's hen night though not the wedding. Again, behaviour unacceptable. Contact stopped with her at that point. The next issue when the married one had first child, remainder of group invited to christening. I went (was a godparent) but other friend used excuse of creosoting garden fence to not attend. End of that friendship.

Am I still friendly with the remaining member of the group, no. She became obnoxious and tried to rule my life as she did with her husband. Final straw was sarcastic comments about my niece. This friendship ended 16 years ago.

Just because she annoyed and hurt you, it's better not to react. As the saying goes "what goes around comes around". Know it's a natural reaction to respond angrily, but you're only sinking to her level.

I somehow thought she was only an acquaintance, a member in a group you had just met, that’s why I said to you not emotionally invest too much but take into account her behaviour.
I do agree with you that she disrespected you. And that speaks out loud of her.

Of course, I wouldn’t even send her a message to ask. She was the one who had to contact you.

I still don't get it. I mean, I am reading that she suggested the meeting, but I'm not reading that she set it up. If someone told me they're worried about corona, but really want to see their friends over their birthday, I'd suggest the very same thing. Doesn't mean I'd show up, cause that would just have been me politely attempting to soothe an aquaintances worries with a helpful suggestion.

Sorry if I'm being daft.

I subscribe your words. But, there’s a point. The lady should write to the OP to show interest in how the meeting went and say how she couldn’t attend for one or another reason. However she waits for the OP to contact her. It seems to me little caring from her part.

I’m not saying to put a cross on that person. Everyone messes up sometimes but, it’s something to consider if some other mean behaviour is repeated. The OP will be aware of a pattern from this person and the OP will know how to react from then.

Thank you for explaining
I think I'm a bit like that lady. I guess I'll keep this thread in mind the next time I face such a szenario. I know I could be more caring.

Apologies OP, I was being daft.