How to get people to know me?

"I don't know anything about you". "You don't want to talk about yourself" - these two I've heard too many times recently.

What would YOU like to know about, so to speak, "a newcomer"? Let's say all doors are open in regards to where it leads. That person may become just someone you've exchanged handshakes with, or a friend, or a boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. I mean the beginning. How does it look like?

I'm not sure I understand what you mean, probably because my English is not that good. Could you perhaps restate what you wrote or elaborate on it?

Imagine you meet someone new. What would like to know about that person in the first place?

What is your connection with people who say those things to you?

I've worked with them on the project. The work is done and we met up for coffee.

Do you want them to know you? I am fairly social but I am selective about letting people know me. I guess I am private. People don’t usually know much about me (unless they are close friends).

I work with a lot of people. I am friends with a few but with the rest I am just friendly. Not friends. For me working on the project doesn’t warrant opening up about much.

Overall I think it just comes natural. You either open up naturally or you are a kind of person who might take long to open up. I am not sure there are tricks. Well I’ll take that back, there are strategies. But at the end of the day “wherever you go, there you are”. We are who we are

I agree. But still, could you share about things you casually ask about? It'd be of a great help to me.

I gather that you are in charge of the project and so you are senior to these people. If so, here are things that I might casually ask about over coffee, fwiw:

--What was one of the best projects you worked on in the past, and why?
--Who did you really enjoy working with in the past, and what was good about them?
--What area(s) might you want to work on next?
--What did you like best about our project?

If you felt comfortable sharing with them on any of these topics, I imagine that they would be interested.

From there, a natural bridge to slightly more personal topics might be:

--what films/shows have you seen lately and how did you like them?
--what actors do you most admire?
--what are some of your favorite movies/shows ever?

Would you be prepared to share with them about these topics as well? I imagine that would be of interest.

I propose these sorts of topics because of my imagining you being senior to them and not knowing them super well already. Many might be put off by a senior person asking about something not somehow connected to work. These topics are work-related afaik and so make sense to me in the setting you describe.

Casual talk about hobbies or movies or travel. “Hey I really want to visit XYZ area, has anyone been there?” “How did you like this project? What’s your next one?” “I was so busy with this project so I had no time to go out, any new restaurants around, any new movies came out?” “Coffee is good in this place but j prefer coffee in XYZ place, anyone knows about that place?” Etc etc etc.

If someone said that to me, I’d say “oh, I’m open. What would you like to know?” and then answer as you’re comfortable doing.

Things I like to know about people is: their hobbies, where they’re from, how long they’ve been doing what they’re doing, what they were doing before that.
Where they’ve traveled to, I guess, because I have heard some good stories.

I think if people want to know you, there’s the basics like whether you’re married, kids, pets, etc.

It all depends on what you want them to know. You are in control of your personal information, guard it as you would your financial details.

A couple of years ago, my aunt started saying I was like a closed book. In other words, I told her very little about what I was doing, how I was feeling, etc. That's changed recently as she's stopped saying this and other issues have given us a better relationship.

I realise it's different when talking to work colleagues who also met socially. Its' a great suggestion to talk about tv/movies/hobbies. May be better to steer clear of personal issues.

Don't want to appear OTT here but my ex once said to me, "you have two ears but only one mouth, use it wisely". I've always remembered that advice when tempted to divulge something to relative strangers.

I really sympathize with your situation. I remember this being very hard for me for many years when I was younger. I tried all kinds of tactics, like asking people if something was new. "Oh, I like your sweater, is it new?" and so on. I did that a lot as a kid and definitely didn't make any friends this way.

If I want to get to know/bond with someone, I usually try to share something that bothers/upsets me slightly, but that I think might be relatable. My goal is to tap into some topic that the other person really wants to talk about, but you broach it by making yourself slightly vulnerable so they feel comfortable.