I went over to my Aunt's house for Easter for all of 15 minutes before I left. It was all I could honestly stomach.


I go for my young cousins, who I found out were sick and they weren't there. When I found that I was like, in my head, "Yeah, I'm out." and made up an "I don't feel well" excuse and left.


I have a male cousin who is almost 40 years old. He sexually harassed me online last year - it was disgusting and upsetting and I will never just get over it. He wasn't there at my Aunt's (he lives in another state). But as I arrived there, my uncle (his father), didn't even say hello to me (and it was weird). Then he started talking about my cousin, how he's out of jail and working in a restaurant. My other aunt was acting very interested in hearing this news. All in front of me. I'd told my aunts about what the cousin did. At the time, they were both supportive. I do not feel that aunt #1 respects my discomfort around this issue. She clearly still supports and likes this individual, is friends with him on FB, and talks about him fondly. It makes me sick.


They also called a family member who wasn't there, wanting to talk to them, but excluded me, since I was in the other room. I thought it was rude and weird.


They all seem to have difficulty putting themselves in other peoples shoes. They do and say weird things when they're drunk. They've made me feel awful for being disabled and not working in the past when I wasn't in a place to.


All the while, I'm nice to them. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being nice to them. I'm sick of giving them my time, attention, and care.


I told aunt #2 that I wasn't feeling well and I was going to leave, and apologized. She was nice about it. But she didn't ask me if I was okay. Aunt #1 didn't say goodbye to me. There may have been some confusion - they were still on speaker phone with someone, but I thought she'd been told my my other aunt. But it hurt and was uncomfortable.


I think I need to reassess my relationship with this side of my family. Its hard because we are friends on facebook. They like my stuff. Its hard because I was excited to go over today - I never seem to know what I'm going to get.


I want to protect myself. I want to put boundaries up. I want to choose who I let into my life and that includes on the holidays.


I do want to be there for my young cousins/nieces. They mean the world to me.


This is so very preliminary, though. I'm wondering what kind of boundaries I could set to protect myself.


I was just so angry with them today. Something keeps going around in my head. It started a few days ago. A more distant family member called my mother's sisters (aunt 1 and aunt 2) "mean" once. Not to their faces. She said it to me. I didn't think much of it then. But...they sometimes are. I don't fully trust some of them. I get weird gut feelings.


The guy I'm seeing...he seems to have a great family. I'm a tiny bit jealous. I wish I could tell him the extent to which I feel hurt by my family sometimes.


I just want someone to tell me I deserve better.


I want to set boundaries. I think a lot of this is them just being very dense, unempathic, and insensitive. And it's just not the right fit for me right now. I think I need space.


I like the idea of unincluding them in my facebook posts. So that they can't "like" what I post and then hook me. I like the idea of...spending much less time with them around holidays for a period. It also feels weird. I may have to grieve this.

[divine1966]

They sound very insensitive. Limiting your time with them sounds like a good plan. Keep it to a minimum. As little as possible or maybe none at all. Who needs such stress

I encourage you to eventually share with a guy you are dating some of the things about your family. I bet he has some stuff to share too. My family “seems” nice too. I mean they might not be completely awful but they are dysfunctional. His family might appear ok but who really knows. He might relate.

Facebook is a menace. And so are holidays when have to see extended family. The best holidays I ever had are the ones when I didn’t have to see extended family. The only good thing in pandemics was not having to visit with family or them coming over

Thank you.

I'm proud of myself for recognizing my boundary in the moment and leaving.

I've cooled down since then too. Hanging out at my parents helped. I was also able to process it with my Mom.

The Aunt who didn't say goodbye, sent me a text later on that I appreciated a lot, and she also said she didn't know I left.

The other Aunt, whose house I was at and I told her I was leaving / not feeling well, we talked on the phone for a little bit recently, bc I called her to talk to my young cousin (who ended up feeling better later on and going over to my Aunt's with her parents) - its her bday and I wanted to say happy birthday. Anyway, my Aunt ended up saying she thought she might know why I left and if I wanted to talk to her, I could, but no pressure, and I really appreciated that too.

Talking to my Mom, I think my uncle doesn't even realize the affect his words had on me. It was totally the definition of insensitive. But talking to my mom about this, she said that my uncle is very unphased by his son's behavior at this point - he's been dealing with it all his life, the guy (my cousin) is a criminal and addict. Doesn't make it okay. But I'm actually thinking it might be better not to say anything to my uncle about how this affects me bc I don't want it to get back to my pos cousin.

Anyway...I'm lacking anymore words at the moment. Oh, yeah I will eventually tell the guy I'm seeing and maybe his fam isn't perfect, that's true.

[Bill3]

It sounds like you processed a lot by talking to relevant people. Good job! You definitely deserve better than what happened at the party. (((((((((WovenGalaxy))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((( WovenGalaxy )))))

You deserve much better than what happened at that party.

[Lindaa12]

Thank you for this post, it's helped me understand how someone I used to know may have thought and felt and seen things. Here are my thoughts to try and give support with my perspective, feel free to ignore it if it makes no sense for you.

Social events come off quite superficial, especially when we would like to receive deep empathy. Because with social events, people are usually not expected to stop and go deep with things. That will understandably feel insensitive, and like the people are insensitive or uncaring, too.

It also reads to me like you felt really bad because of the cousin getting mentioned and then you didn't feel good about the superficial social events anymore, so they would feel rude and weird and uncomfortable and hurtful and sickening and unsafe and stuff.

Depression, anxiety or trauma can be a lot like that, making things feel that way. That's where special boundaries do have to be set up too, like maybe avoid the scene if your cousin gets brought up (and you did leave).

Others may not understand right away if they never experienced depression or trauma or anything like that. It doesn't mean they are unempathetic, insensitive, dense or mean people. It doesn't mean they can't put themselves in other people's shoes. It does make depression, anxiety, trauma harder to deal with. I'm sorry.

I'm glad your aunts reached out to you to refute the gossip about them being mean, and that your mother helped understand about your uncle's behavior. Your aunts and uncle do not sound like bad, evil, mean people to me. But I don't know your family, I am only talking about the description of this one social event.

[poshgirl]

May be a bit harsh here but we expect family to behave in a positive way. Unfortunately, those expectations can be different to the norm.

There will be many differing views of your male cousin's behaviour, even condoning it due to inexperience or embarrassment. Likewise, they may not understand your issues. You have the right to set boundaries and if you feel uncomfortable, the right thing to do is leave.

I'm pleased your aunt has reached out to you. Also that your mother is supportive. I'm not a fan of social media as it's often use to "air dirty laundry in public", causing destructive rather than positive experiences.

By leaving you not only setting boundaries but also personal standards. A good example to your younger cousins too. It's good that some family members recognise this but we should never be forced to attend family events just because it's family

"

Others may not understand right away if they never experienced depression or trauma or anything like that. It doesn't mean they are unempathetic, insensitive, dense

Lindaa12: 1.) This comes across as blaming me and / or mental health issues for the behavior of others - I get that in interpersonal interaction, it takes more than just one side and its a culmination. But just because someone has a mh diagnosis, doesn't mean they should be dismissed to think "oh it's me and my issues." Certainly sometimes, it is. Sometimes, it isn't. Also sexual abuse and harassment is never about "how the other person (the victim / survivor) takes / perceives it." Abuse is abuse. 2.) You don't know my diagnosis, so please don't label me. 3.) I see you're a new member (and that my post was your first post). Good luck on the forums.

Originally Posted by poshgirl

May be a bit harsh here but we expect family to behave in a positive way. Unfortunately, those expectations can be different to the norm.

There will be many differing views of your male cousin's behaviour, even condoning it due to inexperience or embarrassment. Likewise, they may not understand your issues. You have the right to set boundaries and if you feel uncomfortable, the right thing to do is leave.

I'm pleased your aunt has reached out to you. Also that your mother is supportive. I'm not a fan of social media as it's often use to "air dirty laundry in public", causing destructive rather than positive experiences.

By leaving you not only setting boundaries but also personal standards. A good example to your younger cousins too. It's good that some family members recognise this but we should never be forced to attend family events just because it's family

I get it. We all have expectations and desires of how we want people to be and act towards us that aren't always met. I doubt anyone in my family condones this individual's abuse. I think some are just oblivious to the fact that it hurt and affected me.

TY for the support.

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like you processed a lot by talking to relevant people. Good job! You definitely deserve better than what happened at the party. (((((((((WovenGalaxy))))))))

Thank you Bill

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((( WovenGalaxy )))))

You deserve much better than what happened at that party.

Thank you Fuzzy

I got support around this the day it happened and feel resolved. (Yay). So if I don't respond to future comments, its bc I don't feel I need anymore support or comments at this time (or I'm just not reading future comments lol). Thank you for the support.

Edit: requested thread be closed.

[FooZe]

This thread is being closed at the OP's request.