[silverrenaud]

Please help. I snooped a look at my wifes phone and found messages from her possible ex bf.

We are both in our 40s and have been together for nearly 10 years. She was acting strange the other day. We were sitting right next to each other in public and she received a message. She hid her phone with her hand from me so I could not see. She looked for 2 seconds at the phone and put it away. I thought it was odd. I asked what it was and she said "oh nothing".

She was acting a bit strange around me so I regrettably checked her phone while she was in the shower. She had a message from a guy who knew her 20 years ago. I did not have time to read the messages but I did see it was mostly a catch up chat both ways. I do remember reading she did say my husband is not the jealous type. He did write how good she looked. I wish I had more time to read the rest as I am not sure of the context of the conversation. It looks like he tracked her down through facebook and she has friended him.

We have a great marriage with good lines of communication so this is very worrying.

How do I approach this?

[CANDC]

@silverrenaud I am sorry that your feelings of betrayal or doubting your wife's motives are troubling you. Since it is not possible to know another person's intentions, I think for me it is better to assume that I cannot change another person and what they do.

If I cannot change their actions and intentions, then to me it is best to my mind to assume the best until I find unmistakable evidence otherwise. If I confront my partner with suspicions that are not really happening, they may feel betrayed by me. If they are doing things that may eventually change the nature of our relationship, then there is nothing I feel I can do. I might have a discussion with them in general about how they think my relationship with them is.

I have seen situations where a person is compelled by mental health challenges like bipolar mania which can demand a person express things that they normally would not express.

So I think non reaction is best. I would consider taking steps to solidify and secure my position. Some examples of that are having a separate account with a year or two of expenses that I eventually establish. I would have a plan A and plan B in case my relationship changed or dissolved. Having a therapist sounds like something I would do also to have a person that I can confide in, especially if candid conversations with my partner is no longer possible.

I would work out my feelings and thinking in a forum like this or with a therapist so I might finally come to accept the changes in my relationship. This is not easy but to me it is better than starting confrontations that leave me feeling hurt and confused.

Hope you find the support you are looking for. @CANDC

[Open Eyes]

If things have been fine in your relationship then don’t overthink this.

Do you guys have good communication re insecurities? Like if you were to tell her that you were confused and worried by her behavior that day with the phone, and that you did stupid thing you really regret, but also found something questionable and possibly worrisome, how do you think she would react? Do you think she would be understanding? Do you think she would get mad?

[Rive.]

We have a great marriage with good lines of communication?

Seemingly not on your side if you had to go behind her back to check her private messages. Underhanded snooping is not using healthy, direct, communication.