Stuck

I think it's only natural that you're going to have the fantasy of this working out still between you two.

Have you ever heard of the term, "trauma bond"? If not, you can look it up yourself, but it's the bond that occurs between the abuser and the abused victim, that bonds the victim to their abuser. The victim longs for the once in a while good times that they get from their abuser, even after the abuse ends and even after the abuser has left. That bond is formed based on a trauma that occurs between abuse incidents. Abuse occurs, and the victim gets traumatized by it, but longs for and wants the abuser to be nice again so badly that it develops a strong bond to the abuser. Then the abuser is nice again for a while, and the bond/addiction gets stronger. Then abuse occurs again, and the victim wants the abuser to be nice. And around and around it goes - the cycle of abuse. This is partially what makes it so hard for a victim of abuse to leave - the trauma bond - and what makes it so hard to shake the abuser out of your system emotionally.

If you read up on this, it may help you. Just a thought.

Thanks! Yes I think trauma bond is there. Gonna work on that.

Nothing wrong with considering the part you played in what you are facing now. That’s a healthy way to move forward. It’s important to see the reality instead of the dream of that will not be a reality.

It’s ok to mourn that what you wanted simply will not happen in reality.

I put him before myself, which I guess would have been ok if he had done the same for me.
He is more the type who expects to be put first.

In our first try at marriage counseling, I told the counselor that I treat him like a king, and he agreed and said he really enjoyed that. He rated the relationship a 10 out of 10. This was a time when he was angry often, and I didn’t feel respected, heard, or cared for.

I was not happy, but focused on trying to get through to him so he could see why I was asking what I was asking, why I was concerned. He just saw me as negative, in his way, b*****, etc.

He had wanted to go into biz with his family member, however this person could not be trusted and there was plenty evidence of it. Husband put a lot of debt on us for the biz since the family member has already been bankrupt and couldn’t even get a bank acct I don’t believe. The family member promised husband coownership, and then instead did sole proprietorship and didn’t even call husband an employee, rather an independent contractor so he couldn’t get insurance, although the other employees did get insurance.

Things went sideways and I guess at some point husband was sitting in the grocery store parking lot all day, while telling me he was working for the biz. He put this family member above me, even though he was getting treated like dirt. Still owe like 20k on one of the debts (family member owes I believe but debt is in husbands name).

He never seemed to trust me. Baselessly. He just wanted me to trust him and stay out of the way. I would have but he didn’t make decisions based on fact, just based on hope.

He would get very invested in big ideas without thinking them through. Would use our resources. Didn’t care at all when I was not in agreement.

He would often make large purchases without discussing with me. I guess I had no right since I was stay at home mom at he time. But as you can guess, his attitude didn’t really change when I started working.

His solution was to say I should just buy whatever I want. I explained there is only so much money to go around, but he didn’t care. He would say he didn’t care. He wouldn’t look at numbers at all. Refused. I feel like it was a lot of unnecessary stress and chaos. I watched every dollar while he didn’t think about it all all. At all.

He was more focused on fame and success..gotta spend money to make money..but no business acumen. If I would question anything, he’d say I think he’s stupid and he’d be very angry. It was a nightmare that happened again and again.

He was frequently reinventing himself, and I had a lot of sympathy for him about that and always tried to be supportive. But his ideas were very sloppy.I didn’t try to stop him, just asked him to tone it down, build it thoughtfully, be conservative. He got better about that so I tried not to question his ideas anymore since that made him so angry, and his ideas would fail on their own and I didn’t have to be the bad guy.

Even when some ideas failed, he didn’t change his approach. He always changed ideas, but couldn’t adjust his methods much. He jumps right it, devotes all his time and energy, ignores red flags.

I guess it sounds like my past approach towards him. I always felt too much sympathy for him, or fear, guilt.

The money stuff was a major problem in the marriage. Couldn’t talk to him about finances, always met with anger. I never could understand it. I understand though that he was impulsive, wanted to be successful, and gets hyper focused on whatever idea he has, and then soon he moves on to another idea.

I wonder if he will like his new life without me in his way, wanting to live differently than him.
I remember asking again and again if we could just try some things my way.

Even without you, he will keep making the same mistakes, but he cannot blame you for what happens

Hmm sounds like he might be bipolar and tends to get manic and careless. I have dealt with this behavior but only years later learned about how this is often what bipolar behaves like. There is a lot more information available now then when I was younger. No internet and cell phones like there is now. Often the pattern is repeated and bad business decisions are made. You were expected to live your life around his cycles. It’s good to be aware of that and work yourself away from that kind of unhealthy lifestyle.

I think if you trace yourself back, you will realize you had been expected to accept and accommodate these type of behaviors. Bet your father was the king too and you were expected to live around his addiction cycles.

Being aware of what you accepted in the past is important so that you learn to be ok with being different and continue to focus on sitting behind the steering wheel yourself for a change. People may not like your new boundaries. But it’s time you developed these boundaries. Please do not let others guilt trip you and don’t fall into guilt tripping yourself.

In my own experience, if another person has no interest in changing there is nothing you can do and often once you set boundaries it tends to end the relationship. People make mistakes, it’s part of learning and growing, but if a person keeps repeating the same mistakes they are not going to grow and improve.

From what you shared, he was king and you were the codependent. He felt that was a perfect relationship for him (red flag). That was NOT healthy for you. You have decided to grow and get your own needs met. That won’t work for him and he left. Do not give in, know the cycle and commit to changing your part in it.

He’s not much of a cycler, he’s just always like that. I was able to live around it because I am overly accommodating, empathetic and loyal, and ignore my own needs and can tolerate a lot of discomfort.

I am accustomed to caretaking. I am trying not to do that anymore with him, but it is hard for me to turn off worrying about what decisions he will or won’t make. Mostly I worry about whether he will take the steps necessary to continue his prescriptions. I worry about whether him he and his brother will fight. I worry he’ll take more money from the bank account (I can’t close it yet due to pending transactions and the weekend). I feel guilty if I should be giving him money to help him, but I think he would misuse it anyway so I won’t.

I check in with him and he responds, but he doesn’t ask how me and kid are. He said he cancelled his debit card on our shared acct but after that he took $200 from the acct using PayPal, this a week after he charged 1k against the acct, after buying clothes, gas, weed, another phone plan from the checking acct. He’s now working construction with bro.

I haven’t filed paperwork yet, mostly because I’m not sure what I want to ask for, but probably also because I’m still clinging onto something…not hope though. It’s very final, the big boundary. Me taking the steering wheel, me no longer deferring to him in the driver seat.

It’s so hard for me to let go. Even when there is nothing there.

Im reading a book about healing from a narcissist relationship. He acts like all the things in the book that I’ve read about so far, and me the classic caretaker.

It sucks that I put so much effort into something one sided. I believed him needing me was loving me back. Or I believed him telling me he loved me was proof he did. Or I believed him loving me was enough to ignore all the unloving things he did. And yes I rolled over because of anger and guilt trips at me. I believed we had something very special. I put him on a pedestal.

I will not give in. For now, he acts like he is moved on. He couldn’t go through with addiction therapy, behavioral therapy, so he split. He apologized that he couldn’t contribute to an environment that was peaceful for all of us. He said he left because we wanted him gone.

I’m hopeful this book and another I have about guilt will help me change my patterns.

You need to talk to a lawyer about what to ask for. It’s fair to assume that your husband has nothing. No retirement plan and no savings. He however must pay child support. There is typically a formula it’s calculated by. He will possibly avoid paying it, working under the table and not declaring it and not paying taxes but you still have to file.

Is the house under your both names? If you want to keep it, you’ll have to buy him out. If not, it will have to be sold and proceeds split.

Keep in mind that he is trying to empty accounts so you need to protect yourself. And he continues getting into debt which you might be liable for. See a lawyer ASAP.

I’d not worry about diagnosing him at this point, it only muddles the water and prevents you from taking care of business, it keeps you meek and powerless and perpetually guilty. Longer you focus on real or perceived diseases or syndromes he might of might not have, more likely you are to continue feeling guilty and less likely you are to pay attention to reality.

The reality is that he continues charging your mutual accounts and withdrawing money that aren’t spent on necessities and you want to send him more money. He has to send you money as you have a minor child at home, not the other way around

See a lawyer. Or legal aide

It’s important to pay attention to his actions. People can say lots of things, it’s what they do that matters. He knows how to manipulate you. He knows you fold and give in.

You can’t change him, you can only educate yourself and change how you react. It’s not easy, it’s important to be patient with yourself. It’s not easy to break your own reactions and that you still hang onto that hope of what you wanted him to be that just is not going to be.

Take steps to protect your money. That’s very important.

I do think you should talk to a lawyer asap. Keep in mind that an attorney is there to advise you and protect your rights and those of your daughter. You don't have to file with the court until you are ready.

Each state has different laws for divorce and child support. An attorney is your best resource to provide you info. Believe it or not, the hardest thing has already been done... you told him you were so unhappy that you wanted a divorce. His response was to run off and NOT PARTICIPATE in the things that may have changed your mind. He isn't going to addiction therapy, because what he's addicted to is more important than you. He isn't putting effort into behavioral change because he doesn't want to change. And he's using a guilt trip ( he left because you all wanted him gone) to manipulate you. He chose to leave.

I know talking to an attorney feels intimidating and final. Its not. And you don't need to know what marital assets you want. An attorney can't tell you what to do, can't make choices for you... an attorney tells you what's legal and not legal in your state. Without an attorney advising you, you are flying blind.

Focus on you. What dreams did you set aside to accommodate him? What hopes did you abandon because he had other ideas? What life do you want for yourself? If you want to change your patterns, then do things differently. Reading books about his personality, about his behavior, about his mental health is focusing on him. Sure it can help you understand, but it's still focusing on him. Focus on you. Try something new every day. A new food, a new coffee shop, a new way to wear your hair, a new nail color, a new exercise, a new way to drive home... open your life to new things and new patterns and new people will fill your life.

When I was first separated, I was lost. I read an article online about healing from emotional trauma. It didn't click. I read books and more articles, my understanding grew, but I didn't change and I wasn't feeling better. It still didn't click. I went to a therapist who for a year listened to me every 2 weeks desperately try to feel better. It still didn't click. One day, he asked me to name all the things I was feeling. There were so many feelings and it was all so complicated and it was like I was trapped. That was the day I named all the things I was feeling at one time Joe. I have no idea where the name came from, but that was the day things clicked for me. From that day on, I only dealt with "Joe" when it was convenient for me. You see, obsessing over "Joe" filled the time I had previously devoted to my ex. And like my ex, "Joe" didn't treat me well, didn't support me, didn't communicate with me, didn't give me anything... then I actually filled my time with things for me. I started walking and met 5 elderly ladies who walked in the mall and joined them. It will be 8 years this winter. I would not be who I am today without these women. But I wouldn't have ever met them if I hadn't focused on myself.

I did eventually deal with "Joe". Focusing on myself made me stronger, smarter and more confident so I could deal with it.

I wish you the best. I hope you and your children live your happiest lives.

You have been a caretaker for 20years. It’s going to feel strange to step away from that mindset/role. It was a role you got used to and even though it was not healthy for you, there was a sense of safety to it because it was so familiar.

You wanted something more and went back to school and have been more involved with a life of your own. It’s not wrong to want a life for yourself You don’t have to live out your life as a caretaker.

It’s ok to still care about your husband. However, it’s important you see the ways he may use that selfishly to serve his own needs leaving you with nothing.

Husbands already off his meds. He’s feeling “great” and blames me for all kinds of things that are baseless.

Simultaneously says he wants what’s best for me snd kids like stability and security.

I’m still shifting away from thinking about the relationship to just thinking of me alone. Close ans closer.

Let him go. And that means stop caretaking from a distance. You can’t fix him, he made a choice and ran away. He is not interested in facing his own truth, he want to chase the illusions.

Thank you. I’ve been in this mindset since a young child but I want to be different. I will be different. I realize there has always been someone important in my life telling me I can’t trust myself. And it’s the same people I can’t trust to have my best interest in mind.

I like your solution with “Joe.” I love mind tricks that give us power.

I’m doing what I need to be doing in action, I am a doer, but my thinking and feeling is warped and I know it. Straightening it out. Many Decades of kinks take awhile to undo. I am disillusioned, which is starting to feel good instead of unnerving. I’ve had some positive experiences at work and home so I’m feeling more capable.

I set aside hopes and dreams as a child. I was brainwashed about what life is and what my life should be. I didn’t develop properly into the real me. I was an overly responsible child, practicing being humble and obedient, thankful for anything even bad things. Trained not to trust my perceptions, recollections, conclusions. I barely slept at night because I was so afraid. So many scary things being introduced to me and happening around me as a child. Talk of abuse, my parents’ terrible childhoods, terrible relationships, premature deaths, mental illnesses. Addictions. Suicide. Murders. Had nightmares all the time. I was a perfectionist. I never pictured what life I want. I very specifically remember only seeing blackness when thinking of the future, when friends would talk about their future. I couldn’t imagine marriage and children, going places, going to college, and I never even considered getting married until my husband and I got pregnant. I wanted to go to art school but that was impossible in my circumstances.

I had a tough time yesterday reassuring myself that I can trust my perceptions. Today I feeling more confident.

I can’t worry about my husband anymore. It’s not good for me. I must only do what’s good for me.

My hopes now are to take some trips with my kids. I want to find a creative group to belong to. I want to invite people over again. I want to be involved with more fun outside the home. I want my daughter and I to feel carefree. It’s been so long since we’ve felt carefree.

I hope everything will be okay like this for awhile because I need a break.

Just 3 wks ago could not imagine my husband being out of the home. I had no idea how it would be accomplished, but knew it had to happen somehow. And here it is happened. So that’s good.

Thanks for your support.

Thank you. I’m not ignoring the legal part. I will file soon. I am a family law paralegal so I’m not too too worried. I’ve been taking steps and figuring out this and that. I will need to talk to an attorney since every situation is different and I don’t want to overlook something in mine. I can afford a consult now. I don’t want to talk to my own attorneys because I wouldn’t want to put them on the spot. What if they gave bad advice and then we’re working together

I was just superficially getting along with husband on text earlier, and it felt good for a second like maybe I really can let him go, but then I started worrying that us being nice would lead to him taking. I’m not forgetting. I have my new acct, just got my new card today so I don’t need the old one. I’ve been changing passwords and severing things before filing. Maybe I’m stalling sure, but I’d rather be confident in what I want than wishy washy when taking to an attorney. I definitely don’t want to file when I’m wishy washy. I need to do it right since it won’t likely be contested.

I swear I don’t want to diagnose him. He’s already been diagnosed. I’m just trying to figure how to change me. I think my dedication was to the idea of marriage. My feeling responsible for his life/death and “happiness” is from my upbringing. He and I are a lost cause and rotten from the start. I have to forgive myself for being in something so bad for me. I have to forgive myself for not caring enough about myself to be in a healthy romantic relationship.

I have to wipe the image of a beautiful happy and safe smile off his face. Stop embracing the perfect hug. I’ve been superficial-that’s the truth.

I need to file before he wracks up debt. I plan to start on paperwork this weekend.

I am glad to hear that you are paralegal. It’s commendable that you have education and career and don’t spend your life powerless depending on men. You are a great role model for your kids

Yeah good idea to file sooner than later. He seems to be spending tons of money. You can just ask for consultation before you file, just to get an idea

You’re right. I must let him go. It’s like a security blanket that’s ripped filthy. I’ve been clinging on to a scrap. I adapted how i thought of him to keep him.

A weights off my shoulders but im still carrying some bundles, convinced my job to hold them. I will put them down and feel relieved.

I have to tell about something that happened even though it was like 17/18 years ago.
One day I was exposed to a mold, and in the evening was having a hard time breathing. At the time, I knew I had allergies to mold, dust and cats, but I’d never had trouble breathing from it. This was a mold cloud that was so thick I saw it rise up and drift off in a blob, it was green. I told my husband and he said I should smoke some pot to fix it. At bedtime, he fell asleep and my son fell asleep, but I kept waking up gasping for breath. I got out of bed and tried boiling water and breathing the steam, which didn’t help fix the problem. I was getting desperate but I guess afraid to wake him. I laid down on the bedroom floor and was breathing air from the fan, which again didn’t fix anything. In the morning, I was still on the ground struggling for breath. He got up for work and when walking through the bedroom saw me there, I think his foot had hit me, he said WHAT the F are you doing? Seemed very annoyed, angry. I told him I’d been having trouble breathing all night and didn’t sleep, that I was getting worse and was exhausted. He started getting ready for work. I asked him if he could stay home because I didn’t know how I was going to take care of toddler. He said no because he had to pick up a friend for work, he had gotten the friend a job and the friend didn’t have a car and it was his first day. I was wheezing Im sure and obviously unwell. I literally got on my knees and begged him to stay home to help me. He called me pathetic. I didn’t have a car and we lived far out from town. I asked him what was I going to do do? He said call your mom. I said she has to work too, she’d have to cancel her classes, and lives 45 minutes away! He didn’t care. He walked to the car. I crawled after him and said “I will never forgive you for this!” He left.

I was getting worse. Dizzy. Crawling around. I called my mom, could barely speak. Waited all the time for her to arrive. She got my son ready and I hobbled to her car I guess, it’s a blur. I was wheezing and feeling very desperate. By the time I made it to the car I was vomiting. I felt a bit better after vomiting. It was a 20 minute drive to my doctor and I thought we’d never make it. The nurse and doctors face when they saw my condition made me realize how dire of a situation I was in. They gave me inhalers and nebulizer treatment. Then sent me to the pharmacy for medications and inhalers which I used for weeks until it cleared.

I called my husband from the pharmacy to tell him that I went to the dr and needed a bunch of treatment and that it was serious. His reaction wasn’t enough for me to remember.

He denied for years that it happened. Later said he didn’t remember it. Eventually I told him I didn’t know how I could go on with him since he refused to apologize or acknowledge how he treated me that day. I told him he left me to die. He eventually apologized four years later saying he didn’t realize it was serious at the time.

It just goes to show how little he actually showed you true caring and loving behavior. This is not loving behavior. When a loved one is suffering, you try to help them in any way that you can. This is not what he did. He ignored it and it took years for him to apologize? GOOD RIDDANCE.