Stuck

Happy day after your birthday! I hope you had a day filled with good health, happiness and hope. Wishing you many peaceful days.

Thank you rollercoasterlover. Kids and I had a birthday dinner out together and had a wonderful time. I think we were all feeling happy, had a fun time together, and we spoke of our hopes for the future, together and individually.

Im feeling much more peace daily. I am still working through some negative or painful emotions, but that is only to be expected I would imagine.

Im trying to remember to relax more, bring my stress and anxiety down, because that is what will allow me to be the best mother I can be.

I reread this whole thread this morning to refresh my memory about the last six months or so of my life, to see where I was and how it compares to where I am now. I reread my texts with him over the last couple months as well.

Filled me with a lot of anxiety and stress, but I think it was worth the revisit.

Its hasnt been all glassy seas without husband here, but has been very calm.

my son moved back home last week or so. The three of us have been very much enjoying our time together. I dont know how long he'll stay, but the kids and i have been repairing our family life together and I am loving every minute of it. Son is working a lot, daughter is doing well in school, and both are overcoming obstacles and working well through regular life challenges. The time we spend together is very normal and good.

"Husband" has been sending a couple hundred a week for like six weeks in row, so thats been helpful. We've had a couple stupid texts and a couple whatever texts. He doesnt ask about the kids, our lives or anything else. I dont ask him what he is up to. He doesnt reach out to daughter much, hasnt reached out to her at all for like 2-3 wks. she still has bad dreams of him coming back. I dont know long he can maintain his current situation. its hard to believe he could be getting along with someone for very long, unless they are a door mat, mommy type, or just like him. Or maybe they don't cross paths much.

i still agonize a bit about the house situation. i'm getting past the "guilt" of being here. i want to be comfortable, want my daughter to be comfortable, and that is okay. that is good. we should enjoy being comfortable while it lasts!!!!!

if i decide to buy him out, im not sure there is an advantage to trying to buy him out asap vs down the road like in a year. Down the road is my vote. I just want to keep watching what happens with him before I go through efforts or strap myself with a bigger payment. i want to build up my reserves.

i still need to file for divorce. I am feeling so much more secure as each week passes...

Reflecting about what you experienced and what your thoughts have been allows you to see how you psychologically built your life around your husband. His actions are revealing what his true priorities are.

Sometimes what is best is to discontinue the relationship that is keeping you from growing as a person and enjoying your life.

Thanks. the relationship was keeping me from growing and enjoying my life. it was an enormous amount of energy i spent trying to tolerate the way he was being, and trying to change the way things were going.

actually, i was not happy all along. i was regularly feeling hurt and pushing it aside. i was miserable, but less miserable with him than other miserable relationships i'd known. i look back on the head space i was in, wince.

im feeling like an old lady lately who missed out on a lot of potential joy.

i will get around to filling my life with purpose i suppose.

for now i'm cocooned. sadly ive been cocooned for decades, stuck. i hope to grow into who i'm meant to be.

Please try not to feel like old lady. I know feelings are feelings but you are full of life. You are strong and resilient. You could choose to mope in misery, you could choose helplessness and hopelessness, you could choose to depend on others but you chose action. You chose independence.

You are still young. You choose healthy life for your children and yourself. It’s ok to feel out of sorts and isolated. Give it time. You already show lots of growth. You’ll be happy. You are an inspiration to other women who might not have your strength and independent spirit. They’ll read your posts and it will help them grow. You are making a difference

Thank you divine, made me tear up and smile.
I will be fine.

i cant even describe the dynamic of husband with the family. its so ick. i dont know how it would ever get better. only if something changes in him.
he says he is being alienated and he is disrespected. says we mistreated him.
the kids wont talk to him.
my daughter still has nightmares about him regularly. cries. says she is happier after he left and asked what does that say about her.
son and him got in a nasty text exchange almost a month ago. husband texts him today like it never happened and was surprised when son said to eff off still.
he ruled things before, and that's what he's used to. used to everyone working around his feelings and giving him what he wants.
i cant or wont force the kids to converse with him. he might feel better and they would feel worse.
we barely communicate. i still falsely think at times that there could be something good between us-not romantic of course, but perhaps healing. but the truth is he talks trash. he is delusional and has issues that prevent him from making a meaningful connection with others.
he is mean. stubborn. immature. petulant.
he is angry lashes out. misses the point, thinks he knows everything.
how did he get this bad? he has always been like this i guess.
he insults me freely. said "poor thing" to me today and other crap.
as bad as he is to me, always, i still feel sorry for him or sad for him, even though im not sure what about

It’s important to listen to your children, they need to know their feelings and discomfort is important and heard.

He is learning the hard way that his choices, behavior and words have consequences. He had chances in the past to change and didn't. The hard way is now his only option and the consequences are now piling up.
You have raised young adults (i think mid teens and early 20s?) who are strong and able to say for themselves that they have reached the point of enough is enough. That is not an easy thing to accomplish given the dynamic. Encourage them to keep processing their feelings. They can't change their father, they can only change themselves. It's likely that their father will never understand that he is the one responsible. Your children and you deserve peace and happiness. Its just going to take a bit of work to find it.
How are you coping through these changes? I remember the "eye opening" days and seeing all that I had missed in the past. It can feel overwhelming in both good ways and bad ways. It's very normal to hope things can be better. Just remember that your healthier and happier place in life is for you. He must find is own.

Yes. while i am careful not to say how i feel about their dad to them, i listen to their feelings about him, etc.
when the kids have tried to be heard by their dad, he will not care, he outright says their feelings arent important. he recently has sent a couple fluff messages to daughter about her resiliency, beauty, etc., and she was confused why he was sending her such messages. i offered that perhaps he is wanting to give a good dad pep talk, or give her compliments. she thinks its likely manipulation and i cant disagree with her.

thanks!
the day-to-day living is so nice compared to when we lived together. so thats what i pay attention to most.
i dont think i missed much in the past. sadly i was aware of how it was yet tolerated it and even learned to enjoy it, find purpose in it. it was my life method that i applied to the wrong thing. ethic is no good without boundaries. also, i was cripplingly afraid and anxious in the past.
i hope my boundaries have improved. i am monitoring myself closely, noticing how i accommodate when i shouldnt, or give away my comfort unnecessarily.
right now things are pretty easy so i am really trying to remember to enjoy it all and not worry about too much.
i am not afraid like i used to be i guess because im not around someone scary.

he scares and worries me. i want to help him so he stops scaring and worrying me.
but i feel waaay less responsible for him--nearly not at all.
he is so far away its a bit out of sight out of mind for me. so i guess thats why i am coping well right now.
i am much happier, but still on edge.
i am edging closer towards fulfilling activities.

You cannot fix him. He is also showing by his behaviors that he doesn’t care. You daughter sees this about him. You are also realizing how much better things are with him not there.

As time passes you will feel much healthier without him.

most definitely i feel healthier without him. i feel like a normal person instead of a person engaging in an toxic relationship. i know i cant get through to him.
he cares in some way, but i guess however he cares is more for him than us.

its been much less contact with estranged husband. i now hear from him so little that i even hear from his family more often than him. part of me thinks its good to keep up relationships with them, part of me thinks they are toxic too and i should avoid them. theyre cut from the same cloth. and they either say something to annoy me, or tell me about something that annoys me.

he's in toxic tangles with his parents. 0r, maybe it will be different with them this time..
not my business.

i have to be okay with him sabotaging himself. he had to take a couple days off work-why? was it because he talked to his dad and spun out? could have been anything else, so i wont speculate. maybe he got fired. he didnt tell me the reason, so i figure he wasnt sick or he wouldve said so.

i heard he apologized to his dad. ridiculous. sad. maybe his dad deserves (definitely didnt earn) forgiveness, but to apologize to his dad? whatever.

again. not my business.

"husband" has been out of work for awhile and stopped sending support the last couple months. today, i reminded him via text about the small debt payment that he owes on the account in both our names, by the upcoming due date. its like 34 dollars minimum payment. he texted back saying he cant pay it because he has no money and no job right now, but he hopes to be employed soon.

i didnt respond.

so i guess i'll have to pay it or get a late fee on the account that my name is on....

good thing i put that account in pay down status because i am sure he'd have it maxed out by now. He told me before i shut it down that he would charge up debt on our account however he wanted to and i was an idiot to care because he told me he is responsible to pay it off, so why would i worry about it, except to want to control him.

the way he is, he will let the 1k debt become 100k if it was possible through late fees and no payments.

he then abruptly texted: "you only ever wanted someone who would conform to your desired specifications. it took you 20 years to realize i was telling the truth. that i don't want to conform. that i do what i want."

i was just trying to find out about the payment.

he said "duh" his observation was not about the debt or money, but a "short summary of our marriage."

he said this through more texts over several hours: "have you filed for that divorce yet? seems like you could have got that done asap. super weird you've waited so long. holding out for a miracle? laughy face. remember you sht canned me.

"you tried so many different narratives to get me to do something worthy of divorcing me. tenacious.

"your sad life. just...like...your...mom. ask stupid questions get stupid answers. bye. its dirty what you did. true manipulation from a very manipulative woman. now you can find a real man like [my mom's pervert husband] to make you happy. just like your mom did.

"sweet dreams."

what scares me is i don't know wtf he is talking about. is he out of his mind? my god how much does he hate me?

my guess is someone is challenging him, and he in turn is blaming me and justifying lashing out at me.

what did i want him to conform to? i really don't know. i would ask him, but i am no longer delusional enough to believe that would be fruitful.

I am sorry. He sounds delusional and I think these drunk/high messages. You can’t reason with him.

Sounds like he is projecting his guilt on you and twisting things around to blame you for his failings.

Don’t engage him when he does this.

I cant reason with him. And i always must remember that or I'll be pulled into his chaos. His messages are still haunting me in a way. I dont give weight to his opinions or accusations anymore, it seems. but his intention was to hurt me, and his words did hurt, and they left a bruise.

Hes mean. vengeful. obsessive in his thoughts and habits.

i wont engage him. staying resolute. i dont need to defend myself to him, or say anything for the record, or ask him if he is okay. I dont need to lash back at him either. for all the nasty things hes said to me, i dont think ive really said anything nasty to him? i think ive always been careful of his feelings. walking on egg shells. the worst ive done is tell him the truth--that his behavior is harmful to himself and our family, and i asked him to address it.

thanks open eyes. it felt like projecting and blaming. as his texts rolled in, i was thinking he makes me his scapegoat.

hes reckless. he could have electrocuted us all with his bathroom plans he was working on almost up until the day he left. yet he thought on some level that his plan was working. he thought hed make his family shut up by fixing the bathroom. in his quick fix he could have killed us. i asked him to sober up, get help, get on track, and his answer was to "fix" the bathroom. he tore apart the bathroom right before his breakdown five or six years ago. he thought fixing it was the way to repair his breakdown. i didnt believe that, he did. the bathroom has been torn apart for years. still is. he didnt want me doing anything about it. he didnt want anyone else fixing it. he controlled it like it was synonymous with his mental health and behavior.

he is not ready to do the trauma work. he couldnt do it around our family, too dangerous for us all.

i dont know whats next for him. things will likely get worse. im thinking of selling some personal property and sending him half the money.

he threw his little tantrum on the text and i guess im still thinking how to make him feel better.

Please do not send him money

Thank you divine!! I was starting to think its the right thing to do...

No don’t send him money, that only will open a bad door to him using you and crying poor me.

Use your money for yourself and keep working on being independent for YOU.

Nope.

He is the one who is supposed to send you money for child support, not the other way around. There is no unemployment now. There’s a shortage in every field. There is zero reason for not working nowadays, unless on disability or retired or full time in school or taking care of young children.

If people choose not to work, then they make a choice to live in poverty. But of course they want the rest of us to bail them out every time, while they begrudge us being able to afford nice things. Shame.

Don’t send anything. He needs to figure things out like the rest of the world does