Stuck

never known anything but dysfunction, unhealthy dynamics since birth.
working very hard to break the cycle with my kids.

i can live healthier myself pretty easily. its easy when i don't have to live around others decisions.

i really did believe my husband and i were overcoming our dysfunctional upbringings. maybe we came a long way together, but weren't going to make it any further together. im done beating myself up about the past, our relationship trajectory, that i hung in too long, etc etc.

i am focused on strength. i have been accomplishing the things im setting out to do. however my nerves really need a break.

It’s unfortunate how parents/family normalize dysfunctional behaviors.

It takes time to adjust, time and patience. It can be a lonely journey yet know others are going through long term relationship failures. When there is property and children involved it can definitely get stressful.

now my estranged husband and children's father is suddenly moving back to town. been a year. decided to move back in a couple days time it seems. he had a health scare and now is focusing on being here around our teen. says he made a big mistake abandoning us.

i suspect he ran out of resources there and wants to come back. lost the romance of his most recent job. lost the romance of his set up. he wont be staying here of course.

the kids dont want to see him and i've asked him to stay away from the house.

im annoyed because i have been busting my *** to help my kids repair (and myself and the house) and i hope he doesnt blow back in town to destabilize the efforts. not saying i'll allow him to. thankfully the year away from him has given me the self care to no longer be beneath him.

i guess its okay, its out of my control, he has a right to live wherever he wants, and him being in town does not have to mean my efforts and my kids efforts will be compromised.

my 15 yr old is already on shaky ground so i have to be extra mindful that they stay stable and feel supported by me.

fingers crossed for the near future.

You have had time to educate yourself this past year. You now know not to let him Hoover you back into an unhealthy relationship. Stay firm on your boundaries. 😉

he's probably happy to be back, and he's putting himself out there on social media, and people are starting to contact me about it.
ive been feeling jealous almost imagining him out and about living his best life, and i feel like ive been working so incredibly hard trying to repair and helping my kids repair from the chaos we went through living with him in his hard times.
i dont know what happens now.
its almost impossible not to think about it.
i find myself thinking about changing things somehow, evaluating, and recentering, all within minutes, several times a day. its like having him here in town again is kicking up settled dust, it can't be helped, the dust is there either way.

i remember his big personality, his attention getting behavior. in ways i liked it, and its what i'm imagining and feeling a bit jealous about. but then i remember how he was consistently picking at something, finding fault, feeling slighted, being angry, being selfish, being mean, being immature, and i cant deal with that. i could never be in love with him again.

all there is him being the father to our kids. and the kids don't want to deal with him so there is nothing there to enjoy.

Ok, having these feelings crop up is normal. It means you need to sort and process and also realize that you still have that part of you that loved the illusion you created in your own mind. Well, we are all susceptible when it comes to unknowingly creating something in another person that in reality doesn’t exist.

Yes, he may charm and get attention. There are people that enable that don’t realize it. When you finally see the truth it changes you and you are right in that you don’t ever feel the same about a person that exposes how they don’t care and choose to desert you and their children.

Yes he is good at charming and faking and may get attention and followers but he is not the real deal.

it didn't take long for it to be revealed that nothing has changed in him, he still blames me, insults me, and tries to manipulate me into doing what he wants so he is happy. its very sad how sick his thinking is. he threatens me not to see him as a threat. he is so manipulative and thankfully i am no longer susceptible to his bullying. i don't know how him being back isnt going to become a worse and worse thing.

he is blaming me for our 15 yr old not wanting to see him or respond to his texts. he says i need to step up, be an adult, encourage her to do what is best for her, which is have her father in her life. he comes us with all these assumptions and conclusions to the assumptions, and basically they all revolve around me needing to i guess gaslight our child into patching things up with him.

i quote him:
"so be big and encourage connection. I don't care if it takes six months. You owe it to her to not let it slide. Otherwise you don't believe she needs me in her life. Then we are talking for no reason. Be the adult."

what a pig!

Your daughter is old enough to decide for herself. Yes, your husband is behaving in the classic narcissistic patterns. You should block him, there is clearly nothing healthy in his interactions.

This is typical narcissistic behavior where you and child get discarded and you get ignored then he decides to engage by blaming you. Very child like temper tantrum stuff.

he saw he was getting nowhere with his real thoughts, so he switched to using chat gpt to tell him what to say to sound caring. wow. its so obvious. whatever keeps him at bay.

i just despise him. he was trying to meet up this morning, and i was willing so i could ascertain his condition to know what we are dealing with. luckily he pulled out at the last second because it would have been a disaster. we had an annoying text convo instead.

some tidbits from him:
"lets give it another week. i don't appreciate you treat me like someone you should be weary of just because you don't like words i've said. Stop treating me like a bad guy."

"play your games. you need to grow up. its really too bad you cant own your stuff. never have. stand on your own two feet and take responsibility for your part in this mess. i'm not a monster."

"this has to stop being about us and our past. we have to drive forward. its about me and my relationship with our children. and you should be accommodating that. so please stop with the past and lets move forward. that is the responsible adult thing to do."

(i had mentioned how i was a nervous about picking him up and going somewhere together since he had been talking about how horrible i am just a couple weeks ago, because i decided its prob better to meet somewhere)

"if you wanted our child to have a relationship with me then you would already know (how to reunite them). Encourage her to respond to me so we can iron things out. forward movement. that is the only way. stop treating me like a bad guy."

"youre the adult. she is in your home. make adult decisions. it is in her best interest to have a relationship with both parents?"

"its your job as her parent to encourage it. because theres no reason we cant patch things up. otherwise its you being obtuse and not encouraging healthy relationships because of your own hangups between me and you. they need to be separate. and you have no right to influence her otherwise."

"she needs your help as the parent in front of her."

"this is where you need to step in as an adult. your job is to have a sound mind and guide her to healthy decisions. you wanted me gone. not me. own up and move forward. and let;s make healthy choices. she needs her father, no? what are you going to do as an adult parent to encourage her relationship with her father? first thing is to stop acting like i'm toxic. nobody will benefit except your ego."

and yes i am aware that i was susceptible to his bullying today, same as ever. he was trying to use me to make our daughter do what he wants, and he kept at it until i ended up passing a message to her.

why when they both have phones and know each other's numbers??

i already apologized to her that i did so, and vowed never again.

ive just told him that i regret passing a message and will not act as a conduit again.

i'm not going to hype him or seem that i am vouching for him. he'll have to succeed or fail on his own merit.

LOSER

and i'll call him names here.

He is trying to triangulate so he can get to his daughter. He is talking down to you expecting you to do his biddings. Adults get to have boundaries and say no.

Honestly, given what you shared it would be better to have a therapist be a mediator so he doesn’t get a chance to brow beat you and engage in those toxic exchanges.

"Husband" is trying to repair things somewhat. mostly has he just abstained from being mean for a couple months. he has spent some time with our daughter after luring her with a car. he ended up needing to keep the car for himself. it seems he cant see past the end of his own nose, and lives in the moment.

he is moving into his 6th place since he left here one year and a few months ago. two places he lived with relatives, two places with instant shack up girlfriends, one employer, and now one random strangers from the internet. he has gone back and forth wanting to force sale of the house, and then backs off when he realizes it displaces and disadvantages us.

his introspection seems to have gone as far as reiterating how his upbringing explains his behavior. and he wishes he could have been a good father and husband.

ive been able to process some pain that he caused me. meaning, i can feel it for myself without thinking about things from his perspective. i am still working on processing how he greatly disadvantaged me and the kids.

at this point, im probably safe from allowing him to cause me anymore pain. unless he causes our children more pain.

i do worry that i will somehow disadvantage myself because i am still accommodating, patient, empathetic, and easily manipulated.

Nothing wrong with being kind and patient What you have to keep working on is resisting being manipulated. You have been gaining skills, we learn by doing. Yes you can be strong and be a good person. He is fishing for ways he can gain power and all his moves are for himself and his own gains.

As far as his bad mouthing you, anyone who believes him is not anyone you want in your life.

Plus he likes to engage in drugs because he needs them to escape reality. You certainly do not need a selfish person like that in your life. You deserve better and so do your children.

he told me tonight that i deserved better than he gave me. said he wants to help me heal from the trauma of his actions. said he will always love me. said we will always be family. i asked me what he gets out of helping me heal, he said because he caused damage, he wants to help repair damage.

he moved into another new place today. has another new girlfriend. said he has to have someone.
he told me that i helped him "enough." apparently he has someone else to "help him"? interesting. i guess he sees a woman in his life as someone who helps him, and he tapped out all my help.
interesting.
this is why i'm a good assistant.

i told him that its very confusing how everything went down, the end, how he behaved, how he said he loved us and didn't act like it. how he acts different every time he talks to me. that the past cant be swept under the rug. that im surprised he even cares at all, tries to connect, sends money.

i cried quite a bit to him. he cried a bit. i told him i have to let him go, that i lived so long in the hopes that things would improve to a happy family. he said we did have a happy family. i said we really didn't most the time.

we were not a good couple. we fought a lot. i tried not to take things "personally." i kind of hate him, and told him that tonight.

he might feel nothing in regard to others that doesnt circle back to him somehow. i guess he cant help that. he said he has decided that it works better to be nice with people. he is trying not to be who he was.

i feel a big question mark around it all. so confusing. such a long relationship. tore me down to nearly nothing. i wonder who will ever love me. who will i ever love. who could i trust.

i dont know what he is into these days, but im so relieved i don't have to be subjected to it.
just today, i was cleaning up his mess in the garage. still harboring his stuff. i dont like his messes, his piles, his obsessions. jams up every corner, ever inch, vertically, horizontally. stuff stuck to stuff. i dont like chaos i like order. we couldnt tolerate that about each other.

i have to get the rest of the weight off my shoulders. ive come along way. i can see how wrong my thinking was before in putting him first to avoid the consequences of not putting him first.

i had enough of him in the very beginning, yet made more space, worked harder, gave all. put him first as he demanded. catered. supported supported

i dont think i fear him any longer. or fear for him.

he gave me space tonight to say how i feel and what i think, and when he misunderstood me, id tell him again and hed get it. he was patient and listened. felt pretty good.

i would love to yell at him. scream. remind him of things he likely doesnt remember. tell him how annoying he is. throw things a him. make him afraid.

he never feared me. he thought i would NEVER want to leave him.

he moves on so easily. he said that isnt true, it isnt easy.

That conversation was not about helping or healing you. That conversation was all about him.

He is never going to be mature enough to genuinely take responsibility for his actions. Instead he will continue to get high and hang out at clubs and latch onto women he can feed off of.

A disordered/toxic person is not genuinely interested in how others feel. Instead it’s pretending to care only to get their own needs met.

Where has all the talking gotten you? Nowhere.

Silence can say something too. Just continue living your life and stop engaging in the conversations. If he’s talking, don’t respond. Best option is not to see him or speak to him at all.

yes its so hard for me to understand this.

i said earlier: i dont think i fear him any longer. or fear for him.
clearly i do.

also i'm feeling shaken up about the conversations last night, exhausted, angry, disgusted, then compassionate, more confused.

i said a lot of things to him. he said he hears me, thanked me for being honest. i asked him what he heard. he said he heard that i dont know whether i trust him, and that maybe i'll trust him in the future.