Stuck

Hi,
It seems you have love for him so that is something better than what many in these problems are willing to admit. Big mistake to tell your spouse you don't love him when you do. It is common if we are talking about frequency but for men, they take you serious and believe you. So, thanks for being a decent example.. I would caution you on engaging your daughter in negative dialogue about your husband. It is easy for the children to see it easy and if you load your decision on her it won't go well. I am also surprised you aren't swayed by the serpent's advice - it is typical and soliciting negative advice is what it might seem you are doing as it isn't them who has to deal with your decision. "I'm sorry you're in a failed marriage" is a leading statement, for example.

If you are serious about your marriage then you have to be responsible only for your part of the failure and nothing more. Judgment coming from outside your marriage is heavy and it isn't helpful to get a second baseman who is a switch hitter for the competition of heavy. Sounds like you have an idea of problems he has to work on but like I said he is probably a big boy and if you address your side of the relationship he might find a reason to live again.

Hope the best for you - don't give up and find your center. You say you are a good mother so you should be able to spot those individuals who are working against your interests. You are responsible it seems so remember you first need to worry about outside influence before worrying about your spouse's reactionary ways.

This man is entirely dysfunctional, he keeps getting fired, he refuses to get clean and sober, he refuses to get proper treatment, and he treats you horribly - in fact, he abuses you. Your own daughter is effected mentally and emotionally by him, and wants you to leave him, yet you stay. Why??? Why at this point would you not pull the trigger for the sake of your own daughter's mental health and well being, along with your own? I understand that you think he will change - he won't - not without proper treatment, therapy and help. And I disagree that mental illness is the cause of his abuse. He likely is abusive, yet has some mental illness and addiction issues. It almost doesn't matter what's wrong with him. You say it's getting worse. You say you still care about him and it seems you feel responsible for him. You're not. He is 100% responsible for himself and for his own life. So what's stopping you exactly? I am scratching my head on this one. I read through the entire thread, with all the details, and I am still scratching my head. You're being treated like total crap! And you're fighting back, but because you stay, you're putting up with it. Your self esteem has had to have taken a big hit, after all his insults and demeaning treatment of you. For the sake of your daughter, why can't you make a decision to leave this abusive a-hole once and for all? If not for your own sake? It seems your daughter is really suffering.... she is going to end up very screwed up from witnessing an entirely dysfunctional relationship, and is already suffering and hurt from it. She's angry with you, even. That will only get worse the longer you stay and she will resent you, potentially for many years to come. Pull the band-aid off, be brave, and end this nightmare for yourself. Life CAN be SO much better that this.

This exercise may help you.
Ten minutes or more a day, sit and imagine what you and your children's lives would be like without him in it (or at least living with you). Get into details. What are you like? What are your children like? How do the days unfold? Do you have more self-love, confidence, zest for life? Do your children? Is the chaos gone?
Imagine your husband being humbled by this experience, and picking himself up by the bootstraps. Realizing he has to change and does. Life becomes better for him also. He begins to live the life he couldn't even dream of. He desires to become the best man he can after he comes to the realization of what his actions have cost him. His children gain newfound respect for him.

In this scenario, you are providing an amazing gift to everyone including yourself.
While this may sound like a fairytale, there is profound potential for some version of this to come into your lives. You are in effect asking the universe or God (or whatever your belief system is) to benefit everyone including your husband, your children and yourself. You desire and attract to yourself a win-win situation for all. You are changing your focus from what you don't want to what you do want.

If this doesn't resonate just ignore this post.

Immaturity is a funny word.. Are you thinking you can express simply love and get a response from him that way?

To say he never really understood you is a give on your match being of little concern for you to him in the beginning. That might sound bad because it is however it really shouldn't be considered going forward. You have to makeup ground where and as you cross it.

Further, importing chemical issues with the reconciliation is stupid and should not be part of your conversation as I'm sure they were there when you started also.

Why are you like that is because you have an idea that you could more easy start with a new or old version and live out your days with them. Do that or not but it sounds like you might communicate with him like you do here than you should not make it sound so tentative and pick the direction of restore.

Your story has been on my mind since you began posting it. It was my story almost exactly. So close in fact, I worried it would trigger a ptsd flashback. It hasn't which to me means I'm healing and I'm in a much healthier and happier place now than I would have been if I stayed. And it validates for me all the work and effort I've put into healing my own wounds.

I've been divorced 10 years. My children are happier and healthier too. As a mom, the best gift I ever gave my children was the space and distance they needed to become the healthy, happy and strong people they are now.

I still remember the moment when I no longer felt stuck and stopped rationalizing the choices and options. I was so tired of maintaining dysfunction and patching together tiny bits of hope. In the end, there were more stitches than bits of hope, more dysfunction, eggshells and triggers than safe spaces. I decided why I was being abused no longer mattered. The fact that I was being abused needed to be addressed first. That one tiny change in my thinking saved me and my children.

I pulled out of traffic on my way to work and into the parking lot of an attorneys office. I called the phone number on the sign and made an appointment. I do not regret choosing myself.

I wish you and your children happiness. All the best to you.

I don't understand why people stay for the sake of a man when a vulnerable child's well-being is at risk and said child spoke out.

Abuse should not be tolerated, especially when a child is involved.

Loving a man ought never to take precedence over care for a child.

It’s not about my love for him even though I say love is there.

Then what is it about specifically? Can you elaborate?

Also, worrying that he’ll harm himself for the last few years. It’s hard to turn that off. It complicates my thinking and feeling. it’s changed how I feel but I haven’t paid a lot of thoughtful attention to the difference.

Also, worrying that he’ll harm himself for the last few years. It’s hard to turn that off. It complicates my thinking and feeling. it’s changed how I feel but I haven’t paid a lot of thoughtful attention to the difference.