Stuck

I’m sorry you feel stuck too. I hope you figure out what to do to improve your situation.

Shame is a tough thing work through, many of us battle with it. It is so often so unreasonable and unfounded but still so powerful. We are in this fight together!

True! It’s so powerful. I logic through so many things easily, but shame shuts me down. I guess I haven’t looked into it enough, or at all. I need to. We are in this fight together

Thing is, you DO have choices here, and you DO have some amount of control in this situation. Right now, you are choosing to remain in the relationship, hoping it will improve.

The guilt and shame come from a codependent position. You mentioned codependency at one point (I think). When we are codependent, we think that it's our responsibility to take care of someone else's issues, even if it is harming US. In order to get "unstuck" is to recognize & acknowledge the codependency and to get help for it. As long as guilt and shame are present, it will be hard to unglue yourself.

I had an abusive fiance years ago. He got drunk frequently and would go on abusive rages at me. He stole money from me to support a secret drug habit, and he was doing drugs behind my back, then getting drunk and going on these tirades. He also refused to get a job and help me financially, so I was stuck supporting him 100% of the time. After 3 months of enduring this dynamic and this toxic situation, I finally got fed up one night and kicked him out of the house,. He had been homeless just before we moved in together (his family kicked him out, so I took him in). He became homeless again once I kicked him out, but now miles and miles away from his home town. I knew once I did this that he would have no place to go. Now, if I had remained in a codependent position, I would have stayed and endured the abuse in all ways and I would have continued taking care of him. AND I WAS taking care of him. I was more like a mother to him than a partner. But, I was healthy enough to say "enough is enough" and I kicked him out, regardless of the repercussions for him. I didn't care anymore and I knew he had enough street smarts to survive. I needed to survive too, and I did.

I hope this story somehow helps you, but if not, please disregard.

First of all you have been taking important steps towards establishing your own independence. You are also getting therapy and have chosen to do art classes.

It’s important to keep in mind that you devoted yourself to being a good mother and you focused all your attention on your children. What you have shared about your husband is not something a person “just” knows how to understand and support. A lot more is understood then 20 years ago.

Also you have a home you have invested in and you still have at least one child living at home. You can’t just throw away years of investing in that home. It’s not like you are renting, this property has accumulated value.

Please don’t feel pressured to decide about this relationship. If he is not physically abusive to you or your children then you can take time to build up your self and your son has a home while he is finishing school.

Has your husband started his new job?

I’m past hoping things will improve. I think this is about as good as it gets with us. Ive had shame guilt issues even long before I met my husband. This relationship def involves it too. my husband has far worse issues with shame than I do even. I guess he’s given up smoking again. No idea why again now. He will probably be very cranky and focused on distracting himself in a turned up fashion. I do always offer to help him with anything, but he never takes me up on it.

I do relate to the story about your ex fiancé. Sounds a bit like a boyfriend I had once; we lived together I’m not sure how long. He worked, but couldn’t pay his part of rent one day because he bought drugs that I didn’t even know he was capable of doing (he said he did it because I had abandoned him one evening-ok it was his bday). I kicked him out right away, and my dad gave me a guilt trip about it. My dad even took him in!! I was so upset. He ended up kicking him out too when he started chopping at his trees for fun. That boyfriend had moved in with me and eventually started moving all my stuff into the closet and taking over. He was the worst guy I ever went for, but still I feel bad saying that since he is a human being.

I can say enough is enough, but this relationship is decades in the making with so many life events together….so very difficult, especially when I expected together forever.

Thank you. Yes I have been taking steps, for quite some time, thank you. The job only lasted a week, so I didn’t sign up for the art classes since I can’t justify the cost at the moment. Plus I want to continue daughters art classes, can’t afford adding me and her for another joint class. I guess I could do my own without her…but Signed us up for the gym instead.
He had an interview today and more to come.

So true that 20 years ago less was understood. I have figured many things out on my own through living through it.

The house is a big problem for me because of how inflated prices are in my town right now. It’s unreal. I can only rent a one bedroom for the cost of the mortgage. I saw a quite small cute house about six blocks away, figuring maybe 300-350k? Almost 700k! Two bedroom, one bath. Small lot. Crazy! If things were worse at home, I would take the financial hit. But it’d seem drastic at the moment. I guess it makes me pause because I don’t want to struggle financially.

I have felt less urgency about making a decision. I’ve stepped back and am just trying to process. I’m not evaluating much now. I’m just trying to catch my breath and process.

And then I make the mistake? of looking at social media. I saw a post of his and got very angry. Normally I wouldn’t confront him like I did, but I’m so tired of his drama. I told him his post and comments sound psycho and insane, and that he is trying to start problems with people and asked him when is enough enough with him, and I told him to get the # outta here since he’s talking the way he is on these posts and it’s very insulting.

He blocked me on the social media so I can’t “preach” to him anymore, then went to bed.

I regret using the words psycho and insane because normally I do not say anything like that to him. I lost my cool. However his words are concerning and I’m tired of his unhealthy obsessions with certain inflammatory topics that he has been into for awhile. He goes on kicks with it, and he listens to media people that are so awful. It’s a bunch of hateful spew. I think it’s just another way to antagonize people, get attention, and feed his anger and disgust.

Or, he is triggered, which results in disgust, and he finds things to put his disgust towards. Okay, but then he has to involve other people so he can ..what..educate them? Teach them a lesson? Be superior? Fight?

It’s just so opposite of healthy mental health choices. He could probably realize that before and maybe come off it, but I think now, he will just double down.

Besides everything else, isn’t it kinda obvious that blocking your spouse on social media is the beginning of the end?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlingflock It created awkwardness that I then have to deal with. It gave him a chance to show disapproval towards our son when he doesn’t deserve it. If I tried to point any of that out he would NEVER be able to grasp it. It would irritate him, anger him, because he’s trying to be seen as good. He’s been randomly pointing out his contributions lately; he’s transparent. His behavior can be impossible, very true. He absolutely has been crapping in this house, even though he so enjoys parts of it, he neglects/ignores the rest. His self worth is so low, which I know as his wife, but he acts so arrogant and sure of himself. I’m not religious, but I do keep hearing the Bible phrase in my head lately that talks about asking for a fish and getting a serpent. That’s how it is with him. I’m so unhappy with the relationship but I care so much about him. I can’t understand myself, and I’m struggling to make sense. I guess I know it’s about fear not love. I don’t want to put anything on my daughter. He has no idea what she wants (that he not live with us). I had a counseling session yesterday and it was mostly intake; the counselor advised not to make any big decisions until we can talk again next week. Im disappointed in myself that I am so skeptical and discerning about things outside my home, but not so in my home with him. I’m so disappointed in myself that my kids have to tell me his behavior is enough to separate; enough to limit him from the home for their growth and wellbeing. I feel like a failure that I can’t identify the correct answer on my own. Im so unsure. It’s like my goal is to prevent or minimize his self destruction.

Your only goal is to prevent or minimize his self destruction. That is a worthy goal. What type of big decisions would you be making? You mean like divorce? Ah, you are speaking to a counselor or psychologist - is he a psychiatrist??

Your description of your monster husband has me curious...did you marry him for a reason? Seems like he is and always has been who you describe?

In a healthy marriage, spouses do not block one another on social media.

Yes, that is a tough one to get past. However, you also have to think of your future. Is this how you wish to spend the rest of your life, with many more decades ahead with him being this way? Is this the relationship you wanted? Is this all that you deserve and want in life?

Nothing wrong with exploring your options when it comes to investigating your homes worth and what you might have if you sold it and split the cost equity and what you could get. And that is without complications because if he wants to be a jerk he could end up going through the equity in legal fees.

It’s no easy task to split up after 20 years of marriage.

Not much you can do if he chooses to be a jerk on social media. There are people that are addicted to drama. He may very well be one of them.

It’s a waste of time to call a person out if they have narcissistic tendencies. They just turn things around and play the victim. That’s not diagnosing him but from what you share it sounds like he gaslights you from time to time and avoids taking responsibility for behaving badly at times.

Yeah I guess that’s the only goal I have left regarding my husband, to prevent or minimize his self destruction. The big decision is to not live with him. As he says, “betray him,” “ruin the family,” leave him for “pathetic reasons,” “hurt our daughter” and so on.

I have been talking to a counselor/psychologist, not psychiatrist.

Yes there were many red flags not long from the start with him. He presented himself as clean cut, family guy, strong, clever, fun, romantic. I went in head over heels. We starting being intimate and I think I wanted to commit because of that. When he did crap things, I believed he didn’t know any better (the way he talked about his parents made me think this). A few months after dating, my dad passed away unexpectedly..I was very affected and he stayed by my side hours on end just holding my hand while I stared in disbelief or cried. This meant a lot to me. It seemed he could be thoughtful at times, but other times he could be very rude and short. He talked like a dreamer, and he talked about our happy future. He wanted a baby even, and I became pregnant when we were together for only around ten months. We decided to get married, and got married around the year mark of being together.

I have been thinking could this, of all things, end up being the line for me?
I can’t rationalize this one, even if it’s just social media.

No, I cannot grasp my life always being like this, that is why I hoped things would improve. But I no longer think things will improve.

I’ve been thinking of the housing options. I am thankful to have equity so trying not to be overly dramatic about the situation, but it’s tough to accept having to start over, and tough to think about the drastic loss of space and privacy. I know I am trading one discomfort for another. I’m trying to be thankful and not dwell on the potential loss.

I don’t care so much if he is a jerk on social media..yes it’s embarrassing to have friends seeing it, and it’s embarrassing for our kids…but mostly I just tie it to his mental health and think it shows he is on a destructive path. If I get carried away in fear, I worry it leads to more bigotry, to misogyny, to violence? I just don’t know with him. He fixates and is super impressionable.

You’re right, he absolutely played the victim. He does that so often, yet calls me a victim, mocking me. He says I get to do or say things and he doesn’t. Like, what does that even mean?

It’s understandable how you consider what breaking away from him would change the lifestyle you are used to living. A lot of women put up with dysfunction because they don’t want to lose their home and lifestyle. It’s especially hard when you have a child living at home.

A lot of women focus on building up their ability to become independent and self sufficient. They start saving money of their own. Often the stuck isn’t about the love, but what it will cost in other ways. You are not alone with this kind of challenge.

Recently someone said how the love doesn’t last and the marriage often becomes more of a business type relationship. In many cases that’s probably true.

It’s so strained between us. I don’t even recognize us anymore. I’ve been behaving like we’re not a couple. I think I’m moving from numb to grief.
I’m also having a hard time accepting the truth. I’ve begged to be treated well. I’ve fooled myself a great deal over the course of this relationship.
I’ve felt rejected, frightened, confused, angry, used even, and I always seem to find a way to make it my fault. I have believed forever that he keeps me safe. But it’s not true.
It’s been such a long relationship with ups and downs that i have so many seemingly conflicting memories. I’m sure I’ve been a jerk plenty of times. I know I’ve always been the apologizer, always.
I don’t know if this relationship has been healthy at all, or good at all? It’s feeling surreal.

Please don’t beat yourself up (((hugs))). So much we don’t see when we are young that we see when we are older and have more life experience. You are at the age of a lot of realizations. Some of this is maturity from life experience and some of this is hormonal changes where women are not as hormonally clouded. Also you are exposed to so much more information because of the internet.

It's very immature behavior on his part, and it shows a me vs. you type of antagonistic attitude. You're not a unified team.

Things don't just improve on their own. He needs intensive long-term treatment and therapy.

It makes sense that you're feeling the grief. This is not the relationship you had hoped for, and it seems you've been trying all this time to make things work. Please don't make his poor behaviors somehow your fault. That is very common in an abuse victim, to feel that somehow it is all their fault for how they are being treated. Your husband is 100% responsible for how he treats you. And no amount of begging or pleading will change someone. I know this from first-hand experience. It's like they have to hit rock bottom before real change is even a part of the equation.

I appreciate your support. Thank you open eyes.

Thank you have hope. I appreciate all the support you’ve given me.

Sometimes the breaking point is a simple action about something we take for granted.

My personal breaking point was being told I wasn't allowed to change the TV channel before bed to check the weather for the next day. (A personal routine so I could plan what to wear to make mornings faster and easier with 2 kids) I went to another room to watch the report. The next morning I went to check the same channel for the local traffic report while my kids ate breakfast. (More of my personal routine because I drove my kids to school/childcare on my way to work). He had used parental controls and blocked the local news station that ran traffic and weather every 2 minutes in a loop. I had always excused his abusive behaviors, his cruel words and emotional manipulation as a result or symptom of something else, as if he couldn't help it. Blocking the channel was intentional and specific. It was deliberate and intended to be hurtful.

I hope you and your children are doing OK. One day at a time.

Thanks rollercoasterlover. How petty of him to block the news.

He can’t help it is what I always think. But I am realizing that makes no sense. I think I miss a lot of things he does because I don’t think like him, and it goes over my head. I didn’t realize it’s intentional, but now I am waking up.

I am thinking it’s good he blocked me because it’s ongoing and I keep remembering about it and thinking how ridiculous this relationship has become. And it really angers me and I usually get over anger very quickly if I get angry at all. I don’t think my anger will go away about it because it is just so stupid I can’t stand it.

My heart was just hurting too, like they say heartache. It wasn’t grief. It’s some other pain. Hurt from a lot things he’s said and done. Things I told him hurt me, but he didn’t care. Would ignore me, mock me, call me names, deny, tell me I’m off base.

I pushed aside a lot of hurt to avoid that.