Stuck

In the meantime we will offer support and share our stories and thoughts.

No one here is providing directions. The OP is in an abusive situation, a situation that many here can relate to. Those who have been there and done that know that most abusers don’t change, at least not without intensive long term therapy. People here are simply just encouraging the OP to take care of herself and to watch out for her own well being. Often times this means having to leave the abusive situation.

Thank you reptileinyourhead. I appreciate your kindness. I appreciate everyone’s advice, and I have tried to remember that everyone will have biases. I understand people wanting to be blunt with me, thinking I need a push. I say I’m stuck after all. But I guess the root hasn’t been pulled at yet.
I didn’t want to be defensive or emotional, so I had to sit awhile with some things. The self harm issue is difficult. It’s a sensitive subject. I don’t believe my husband uses that against me, or to gain something. It’s a big struggle for him and has nothing to with me, except all the worry I felt about it. It’s his thing and he tries to conceal it.

@Starlingflock, when you say the root hasn't been pulled at yet, what do you mean? Just trying to understand your perspective and words here.

I do know one thing: we cannot leave a bad situation, even if it's harming us, unless we are fully ready to leave and despite what anyone else may say about it being harmful. A person has to come to their own conclusions about staying or leaving, and on one else can make that decision. It's entirely up to you. And sometimes, it can take a very long time before one decides it's time to leave.... and, often people stay, for whatever reason, hoping it will get better. Sometimes it does get better, and often times, not. In life, we just need to try to make the best decisions we can for ourselves, with the information we have at hand. Big life decisions like this one are never easy.

I do understand not wanting or not being able to leave. I’d just stop trying to figure out how to make him into a man he is not.

I think I understand this. I think you are saying the thing holding you in your marriage be it a specific emotion, function, purpose or personal belief, is still there for you. And whatever it is that will change what's holding you there hasn't been broken.

Only you know will know if the root of things will loosen. From my own experience, it's hard sometimes to know what's holding things together. I have no regrets about my choices for myself and you deserve to have no regrets about the choices you make for you.

My only small regret is how long I struggled to make my choices. I think that's common though because in the moment when I made those choices, I wasn't able to make the choice before I did. I too had to wait for the root to be loose enough for me to uproot things.

All the best to you and your family.

Thank you for the kindness everyone.
Thank you rollercoasterlover, yes that is what I meant.

I feel like there is something I have to work through. Or yes, to define the line.

To be clear, my daughter has been feeling better for awhile. She worked through anger and it didn’t last long. There is a better balance in the house than there was before. Still, not proper.

Him and I are not on the same page.

“Knowing my husband was unwell stopped me from leaving. Even when he acted abusively, I felt guilty.”

“Leaving a spouse with a mental illness is a difficult and drastic measure. Before taking this step, the individual should consider whether they’ve done everything they can to give their partner the support they need to seek help.”

“Ending a relationship is never easy, but leaving someone with a mental illness is especially difficult. The individual may feel guilty about not being able to help their spouse get the help they need or overcome their condition. They may feel guilt that they no longer want to stay in the relationship “for better or worse,” and they may also feel guilt when considering whether ending the relationship will make their loved one’s condition worse.
While pushing these feelings aside is much easier said than done, it’s important to remember that this type of guilt isn’t constructive. If the individual took every reasonable step to help their loved one get the help they need but their efforts were unsuccessful, and if they, with the help of a mental healthcare professional, decided that leaving is best, then it’s important for them to accept the situation and move forward.”

Those are quotes from different sites that explain some of my feelings.
Trying to have compassion for myself today. Ive felt pretty beat up about “not doing anything.” Especially when I feel like I’ve been working so hard. Ive been feeling some anger towards myself, and him.
I was just doing some reading on Nami. I think I’ve read it before, and have been living by it. How To Love Someone With A Mental Illness | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness
See how conflicting things can be?

I’ve been feeling very depressed for awhile. Im frustrated about the position I’m in. I can’t control it, I can’t easily walk away from it and I can’t fix it. No matter what I do, either I will lose a lot of I’ve worked for, or I will feel like someone else’s “needs” come first. No matter what I’d do, there will be a lot of guilt and shame thrown towards me. I think I’ve already explained that I am very affected by shaming. I need help with that. I haven’t made it far enough working through shame.

This is perfectly stated.

Starlingflock - I wish I had the right words to say. I relate to your story so much. I too am stuck where I am at with my husband. I'm sorry I don't have any good advice but I can relate. Hugs.

I’m sorry you feel stuck too. I hope you figure out what to do to improve your situation.

Shame is a tough thing work through, many of us battle with it. It is so often so unreasonable and unfounded but still so powerful. We are in this fight together!

True! It’s so powerful. I logic through so many things easily, but shame shuts me down. I guess I haven’t looked into it enough, or at all. I need to. We are in this fight together

Thing is, you DO have choices here, and you DO have some amount of control in this situation. Right now, you are choosing to remain in the relationship, hoping it will improve.

The guilt and shame come from a codependent position. You mentioned codependency at one point (I think). When we are codependent, we think that it's our responsibility to take care of someone else's issues, even if it is harming US. In order to get "unstuck" is to recognize & acknowledge the codependency and to get help for it. As long as guilt and shame are present, it will be hard to unglue yourself.

I had an abusive fiance years ago. He got drunk frequently and would go on abusive rages at me. He stole money from me to support a secret drug habit, and he was doing drugs behind my back, then getting drunk and going on these tirades. He also refused to get a job and help me financially, so I was stuck supporting him 100% of the time. After 3 months of enduring this dynamic and this toxic situation, I finally got fed up one night and kicked him out of the house,. He had been homeless just before we moved in together (his family kicked him out, so I took him in). He became homeless again once I kicked him out, but now miles and miles away from his home town. I knew once I did this that he would have no place to go. Now, if I had remained in a codependent position, I would have stayed and endured the abuse in all ways and I would have continued taking care of him. AND I WAS taking care of him. I was more like a mother to him than a partner. But, I was healthy enough to say "enough is enough" and I kicked him out, regardless of the repercussions for him. I didn't care anymore and I knew he had enough street smarts to survive. I needed to survive too, and I did.

I hope this story somehow helps you, but if not, please disregard.

First of all you have been taking important steps towards establishing your own independence. You are also getting therapy and have chosen to do art classes.

It’s important to keep in mind that you devoted yourself to being a good mother and you focused all your attention on your children. What you have shared about your husband is not something a person “just” knows how to understand and support. A lot more is understood then 20 years ago.

Also you have a home you have invested in and you still have at least one child living at home. You can’t just throw away years of investing in that home. It’s not like you are renting, this property has accumulated value.

Please don’t feel pressured to decide about this relationship. If he is not physically abusive to you or your children then you can take time to build up your self and your son has a home while he is finishing school.

Has your husband started his new job?

I’m past hoping things will improve. I think this is about as good as it gets with us. Ive had shame guilt issues even long before I met my husband. This relationship def involves it too. my husband has far worse issues with shame than I do even. I guess he’s given up smoking again. No idea why again now. He will probably be very cranky and focused on distracting himself in a turned up fashion. I do always offer to help him with anything, but he never takes me up on it.

I do relate to the story about your ex fiancé. Sounds a bit like a boyfriend I had once; we lived together I’m not sure how long. He worked, but couldn’t pay his part of rent one day because he bought drugs that I didn’t even know he was capable of doing (he said he did it because I had abandoned him one evening-ok it was his bday). I kicked him out right away, and my dad gave me a guilt trip about it. My dad even took him in!! I was so upset. He ended up kicking him out too when he started chopping at his trees for fun. That boyfriend had moved in with me and eventually started moving all my stuff into the closet and taking over. He was the worst guy I ever went for, but still I feel bad saying that since he is a human being.

I can say enough is enough, but this relationship is decades in the making with so many life events together….so very difficult, especially when I expected together forever.

Thank you. Yes I have been taking steps, for quite some time, thank you. The job only lasted a week, so I didn’t sign up for the art classes since I can’t justify the cost at the moment. Plus I want to continue daughters art classes, can’t afford adding me and her for another joint class. I guess I could do my own without her…but Signed us up for the gym instead.
He had an interview today and more to come.

So true that 20 years ago less was understood. I have figured many things out on my own through living through it.

The house is a big problem for me because of how inflated prices are in my town right now. It’s unreal. I can only rent a one bedroom for the cost of the mortgage. I saw a quite small cute house about six blocks away, figuring maybe 300-350k? Almost 700k! Two bedroom, one bath. Small lot. Crazy! If things were worse at home, I would take the financial hit. But it’d seem drastic at the moment. I guess it makes me pause because I don’t want to struggle financially.

I have felt less urgency about making a decision. I’ve stepped back and am just trying to process. I’m not evaluating much now. I’m just trying to catch my breath and process.

And then I make the mistake? of looking at social media. I saw a post of his and got very angry. Normally I wouldn’t confront him like I did, but I’m so tired of his drama. I told him his post and comments sound psycho and insane, and that he is trying to start problems with people and asked him when is enough enough with him, and I told him to get the # outta here since he’s talking the way he is on these posts and it’s very insulting.

He blocked me on the social media so I can’t “preach” to him anymore, then went to bed.

I regret using the words psycho and insane because normally I do not say anything like that to him. I lost my cool. However his words are concerning and I’m tired of his unhealthy obsessions with certain inflammatory topics that he has been into for awhile. He goes on kicks with it, and he listens to media people that are so awful. It’s a bunch of hateful spew. I think it’s just another way to antagonize people, get attention, and feed his anger and disgust.

Or, he is triggered, which results in disgust, and he finds things to put his disgust towards. Okay, but then he has to involve other people so he can ..what..educate them? Teach them a lesson? Be superior? Fight?

It’s just so opposite of healthy mental health choices. He could probably realize that before and maybe come off it, but I think now, he will just double down.

Besides everything else, isn’t it kinda obvious that blocking your spouse on social media is the beginning of the end?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starlingflock It created awkwardness that I then have to deal with. It gave him a chance to show disapproval towards our son when he doesn’t deserve it. If I tried to point any of that out he would NEVER be able to grasp it. It would irritate him, anger him, because he’s trying to be seen as good. He’s been randomly pointing out his contributions lately; he’s transparent. His behavior can be impossible, very true. He absolutely has been crapping in this house, even though he so enjoys parts of it, he neglects/ignores the rest. His self worth is so low, which I know as his wife, but he acts so arrogant and sure of himself. I’m not religious, but I do keep hearing the Bible phrase in my head lately that talks about asking for a fish and getting a serpent. That’s how it is with him. I’m so unhappy with the relationship but I care so much about him. I can’t understand myself, and I’m struggling to make sense. I guess I know it’s about fear not love. I don’t want to put anything on my daughter. He has no idea what she wants (that he not live with us). I had a counseling session yesterday and it was mostly intake; the counselor advised not to make any big decisions until we can talk again next week. Im disappointed in myself that I am so skeptical and discerning about things outside my home, but not so in my home with him. I’m so disappointed in myself that my kids have to tell me his behavior is enough to separate; enough to limit him from the home for their growth and wellbeing. I feel like a failure that I can’t identify the correct answer on my own. Im so unsure. It’s like my goal is to prevent or minimize his self destruction.

Your only goal is to prevent or minimize his self destruction. That is a worthy goal. What type of big decisions would you be making? You mean like divorce? Ah, you are speaking to a counselor or psychologist - is he a psychiatrist??

Your description of your monster husband has me curious...did you marry him for a reason? Seems like he is and always has been who you describe?

In a healthy marriage, spouses do not block one another on social media.