Stuck

Been married over twenty years. Been a tense relationship with dysfunction. Still, there’s a lot of love between us. How it all adds up, don’t know.

I don’t understand him much anymore. Feel like he’s never much understood me.

I’m trying to repair the relationship or end it. He wants to hang on and not change anything. Or he says he needs more time before he can do anything about his marijuana addiction. Being high comes first every day. Can’t drive our child, can’t parent much. Doesn’t talk to me really. Does his own thing with some pleasantries with me here and there, or unpleasantries.

Tried marriage counseling but that ended because the addiction issue was outside the scope of her practice. He’s been doing minimal addiction therapy that hasn’t seemed to make any difference yet. Hasn’t been doing the therapy long, but took a very long time to start it. Had maybe 6 sessions and no change, doesn’t say a peep about the therapy. Spent at least $270 on weed in the last ten days. Always high, daughter comments she’s never seen her dad sober and that she has no relationship with him really.

He has trigger warning tendencies. Been a big factor of why I fear to leave him.

I try to talk to him about things and he doesn’t respond. At all. Or he’ll say leave him alone or he’ll say who am I to demand things or he’ll just laugh. He’s abruptly said he’ll change something but doesn’t follow through.

He just wants to keep things like this. I tell him there’s a problem and he just denies it everytime. He’ll say what’s the issue? Like he’s never heard it before. He said this morning “I can’t believe you bring this up right now.” Never the right time.

I guess it’s not about repairing the relationship because it was probably broken from the start. I don’t know how I could love someone so much who has treated me poorly. Have I treated him poorly too? I just keep expecting (hoping) that he’ll get more help at least.

But I guess he is happy how it is and thinks I’m trying to call the shots and wants to put his foot down and have me go along with things the way they are, just being satisfied that he is here and stop pouting about anything else and stop inventing problems. We no longer have intimacy except hugs and kisses and I love yous everyday.

I don’t know what to do exactly. I could ask him to move out, but I keep hoping something will change. Why am I like this??