20 and extremely afraid of intimacy

elin95 · 12:10 PM

Hi everyone,

I have a lot of struggles with intimacy and I will try to write it down as short as possible.

I am 20 years old and have a history of depression , self injury and eating disorders. I was also emotionally abused by my mother. I never had a boyfriend before because I was suffering from depression for years. Currently i am dating a really nice guy. (For the first time)

I like him a lot , but when he hugs me , I get anxious. I feel so awkward and lost. I feel like i am doing it all wrong and that he will stop liking me soon. Today we kissed for the first time and i almost wanted to cry because i am insecure(even though he said i'm a great kisser..) I am always convinced that I do everything horribly wrong. I can't even think of having sex. I will probably faint because of the fear..

Does someone recognize this or can give me some advice?

Thanks in advance.

Elin

s4ndm4n2006 · Mar 18, 2016, 11:53 AM

first of all I want to commend you on your being able to be in a relationship with another in spite of your fears. Please take it to heart that this is a first victory for you! It may be hard still but you've made the first steps.

give yourself a break in the sense that you're new to this. There is a certain amount of doubt anyone will have in a new relationship, but you seem to hve a lot of issues that are related to your own self assurance and confidence. Try to understand the feelings of doubt and being unsure are natural but don't exaggerate them by dwelling on your own inherent self doubt.

Try to listen to your bf in the sense of his behaviors. He sounds like he enjoys your company and even your kiss and touch. focus on the fact that he said you're a good kisser and offset those automatic doubting thoughts that you have.

Look for those good signs he is giving you, reasons to understand and know you are doing things right and focus on them. What you point your eyes at will always become your reality so look at the things that point you in the direction you want to go. You want security, look for reasons to feel secure, reassurance, as I said, he's given you some, pay attention to that!

Try your hardest to fight back those negative thoughts (lies) to yourself. when you think you're doing everything wrong, make yourself remember what he said or you know you did right (like the kissing) and never ever forget this very important fact: He is with YOU. THAT ALONE speaks volumes to you doing things right

Hope this helps

nicoleflynn · Mar 18, 2016, 12:14 PM

Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

elin95 · Mar 18, 2016, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

first of all I want to commend you on your being able to be in a relationship with another in spite of your fears. Please take it to heart that this is a first victory for you! It may be hard still but you've made the first steps.

give yourself a break in the sense that you're new to this. There is a certain amount of doubt anyone will have in a new relationship, but you seem to hve a lot of issues that are related to your own self assurance and confidence. Try to understand the feelings of doubt and being unsure are natural but don't exaggerate them by dwelling on your own inherent self doubt.

Try to listen to your bf in the sense of his behaviors. He sounds like he enjoys your company and even your kiss and touch. focus on the fact that he said you're a good kisser and offset those automatic doubting thoughts that you have.

Look for those good signs he is giving you, reasons to understand and know you are doing things right and focus on them. What you point your eyes at will always become your reality so look at the things that point you in the direction you want to go. You want security, look for reasons to feel secure, reassurance, as I said, he's given you some, pay attention to that!

Try your hardest to fight back those negative thoughts (lies) to yourself. when you think you're doing everything wrong, make yourself remember what he said or you know you did right (like the kissing) and never ever forget this very important fact: He is with YOU. THAT ALONE speaks volumes to you doing things right

Hope this helps

Thank you so much for your message , I appreciate it.

I will try to fight back those negative thoughts. Thanks! It's just so hard..

and I feel like I am an idiot.

Trippin2.0 · Mar 18, 2016, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I wouldn't use the word uncomfortable here. Personally I think its GREAT that you're getting out of your comfort zones.

Comfort zones can be very limiting.

Like if you stayed in yours, you'd opt to be alone forever OP, and I doubt you'd even remotely like that option.

I concur what S4 said, and want to expand a little on NF's post.

Don't do anything that goes against your personal morals, beliefs, values or anything remotely foundational. There's absolutely no need to rush things, keep practicing the hugs and the kisses until it feels more natural. And then you'll want to do it more often because it actually feels good, just good.

Instead of good tainted with anxiety.

No need to fret over the future, that's not today's problem. So don't worry about sex and whatever else.

Focus on now and celebrate each victory and milestone.

True intimacy is not achieved by just sex, the main ingredient is, trusting each other, which means you need a healthy dose of honest communication while getting to know each other....

When the foundation is set, the naked bits are less terrifying because you trust your partner.

Take your time, and be proud of yourself for the steps you have already taken.

Mar 18, 2016, 04:21 PM

Bill3 · Mar 18, 2016, 06:55 PM

(((((elin95)))))

elin95 · Mar 19, 2016, 02:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I wouldn't use the word uncomfortable here. Personally I think its GREAT that you're getting out of your comfort zones.

Comfort zones can be very limiting.

Like if you stayed in yours, you'd opt to be alone forever OP, and I doubt you'd even remotely like that option.

I concur what S4 said, and want to expand a little on NF's post.

Don't do anything that goes against your personal morals, beliefs, values or anything remotely foundational. There's absolutely no need to rush things, keep practicing the hugs and the kisses until it feels more natural. And then you'll want to do it more often because it actually feels good, just good.

Instead of good tainted with anxiety.

No need to fret over the future, that's not today's problem. So don't worry about sex and whatever else.

Focus on now and celebrate each victory and milestone.

True intimacy is not achieved by just sex, the main ingredient is, trusting each other, which means you need a healthy dose of honest communication while getting to know each other....

When the foundation is set, the naked bits are less terrifying because you trust your partner.

Take your time, and be proud of yourself for the steps you have already taken.

Thank you so much for your message. I will try to keep practicing and hope it starts to feel more natural soon

elin95 · Mar 06, 2017, 07:47 AM

it's been a year and things have gotten much better

i don't feel any anxiety anymore during intimate moments

Bill3 · Mar 06, 2017, 08:24 AM

This is great news!

Thank you so much for letting us know!

Trippin2.0 · Mar 06, 2017, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elin95

it's been a year and things have gotten much better

i don't feel any anxiety anymore during intimate moments

I am so psyched to hear that things have improved for you!

Thank you so much for checking in and giving us this fabulous update!!!

I am sooooO happy for you!