[nkac]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forums and could really use some support/tips/guidance. I've been feeling stuck in this 10-year relationship with my boyfriend. My first problem is that he doesn't pay for anything, ever. It's not that he is just in-between jobs; he hasn't tried to get a job or do anything other than sell some things on eBay--and it's been 2+ years. I've been stuck paying all of our bills from rent to food. He will send me maybe $20 every few weeks and only when I keep reminding him about it (then he'll get mad that I asked too many times). I have tried to talk to him about this, and he hits me with, "Oh, you only care about money." When we first started dating, we used to split bills - and now his laziness has put a huge financial burden on me (in credit card debt). He is at home with me everyday, and all he does is scroll through news articles and sports stuff on Yahoo and watch comedy podcasts (that are distracting to me, while I'm trying to work at home). Sometimes he'll do stuff around the house, but never anything that actually makes an income and helps us pay the bills.

My second issue is that he is a source of constant negativity. He rants about literally anything and everything, and it is SO exhausting and draining to hear all the time. My favorite part is when he yells about all the problems that are wrong with society, and makes fun of people voting, yet he doesn't do anything about it other than shouting at me and anybody who will listen. I have expressed many times how I can't stand the constant negativity, but he just says, "You know I'm right" or "Well we need to do something about it and have a revolution!"

My third and final problem is that I don't know how to drive, and we live in a very rural part of Oregon. Without him, I can't even get to the grocery store. I finally just obtained my driver's permit this past week, so I can have my own independence, but I still need him to teach me the driving part (or I will need to pay for lessons). And since he doesn't have a job or pay rent, he will have to move back in with his mom about four hours away.

It is just awkward around the house most of the time because we're usually fighting about something. I feel that he's just as stuck as I am, but doesn't want to move back in with his mom either.

[Have Hope]

Welcome to the forums!

The way I see it is you're not exactly STUCK. He CAN move back in with his mother, and at this point, I would kick him out and insist that he does. He is not paying rent or bills and is freeloading off of you, while refusing to work, sending you further into financial debt. He is a BUM! So, get rid of him and tell him he must move in with his mother. That's his only choice and option, and you DO have a choice here - you can kick him out.

You don't need him for driving lessons. Pay someone to teach you, or have a friend or family member to teach you. Don't hold back because you feel you need his help. Take charge and take control over your life and this situation! Don't let him bleed you to death. Like I said, he's a total BUM and as long as you put up with it, he will continue to mooch off of you, while sitting on his negative ****.

[divine1966]

So you have a free loader at home. He us using you. In no way you are stuck. If his name is not on a lease or deed of the house, then it’s easy to kick him out. Get law enforcement involved.

How do people without boyfriends learn t0 drive? Money that you spend on this dude could go to pay driving instructor. Problem solved. Who cares who he is going to move with? He needs to leave your house. Where he is going to do is not important

[Rive.]

Why are you with him?! You are only enabling him. He doesn't pay for anything (why would he as you have been providing for all his needs the last 10 years), he is negative and you always fight.

Why are you tolerating such behaviour? This doesn't sound like a relationship but someone using another for free rent and food. He doesn't want to live with his mother, so you let him continue to use you?! You are only enabling him. Is that the type of relationship you want?

And sorry but staying in a relationship because one doesn't have a car or mode of transportation is not a good enough excuse. You work and are earning a living - get an Uber, have home delivery, get a bike, ask a friend or relative for a lift. Likewise, get driving lessons from someone else (friend, driving instructor). You don't need that parasite.

[RollercoasterLover]

This must be a tough situation to be in. I don't think you are stuck in this, I think that after 10 years, it's what you are used to and changing things is scary.
Here's what I know though from your post: you are capable and have the means to support yourself. After all, you've been paying all the bills. You are capable and are changing. After all, you just completed your first steps to be able to drive. You are not stuck. You are growing and changing.

Your boyfriend is the one who is stuck. He doesn't have an income. He's completely dependent on you for his basic needs. He has options to change his situation.... he's just choosing not to do anything to change. And he likely won't until a change is presented in such a way that he has no other option but to change.
There may be some "financial detachment" that's needed. It seems like maybe you have some joint expenses but separate bank accounts. Check into your joint expenses. Who is legally responsible for paying the rent (check your lease). Who is legally responsible for paying credit cards (there's a difference between joint cardholder and authorized user)? It's up to you what you do. I would stop paying his expenses. If they are joint expenses by legal definition (joint lease, joint credit cards) find out how to legally separate yourself from the joint financial obligations. If he's an authorized user on your credit card, cut him off. Let him get his own credit card and pay his own bill. If the lease is in his name only, consider moving out so there's no reason for you to pay his bill.. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices.

When he says all you care about is money, tell him that you care because you can't be the only one carrying that burden for both of you anymore. If he isn't able to take care of his half of the expenses starting immediately, you won't have any choice but to prioritize your financial security. There's nothing wrong with making your financial security your priority. There is something wrong with him using it as a weapon against you. It's called a guilt trip because he's guilty of trying to manipulate you to keep the status quo in your relationship.

I wish things were different than they are for you. I hope all goes well for you.

[Bill3]

Good job getting your permit!

You will save yourself an enormous amount of money and emotional pain by telling your boyfriend to leave, and paying someone to teach you to drive. You will be free of supporting him, and going further into debt, while he contributes next to nothing. You will be free of his negativity. You will be free of daily, ongoing fighting.

[AnOverThinker]

It's like I'm looking back at myself. I had the exact same boyfriend. Eventually he dumped me because he found love on the internet with a total psycho then tried to come crawling back. It wasnt until I left him that I realized how depressed I had been. I gained 60 pounds in 10 years of being with him. The easy way out I'd to leave him. But if you feel like there is any love there you could try, but judging by what you've told us he is a master manipulator and will probably verbally abuse you abd put you down so you will stay and keep being his meal ticket.

May I ask if there's any intimacy in the relationship, because it sounds like you're the mother.

Get out and be free. Also you don't need a license to leave his ***, but go pay for lesson's and cut him off financially. Change the pin numbers you owe him nothing.

[NorthernMark]

If he didn't have money problems would you be having these problems? I think you need to get through the negative part and hope he will carry that through. You getting your permit is probably common for your age. Is he living with you in your bed?

[EagleTears]

A real man would not be freeloading.. he would support his girlfriend, and build her a heaven, and not a hell. what you have is a man child who refuses to grow up, and be a man. I would immediately dump him.. or threaten to dump him if he doesn't get his act together. The relationship should be 50/50... not 100/0.


Get rid of this bum before he sucks you dry, and finds a new victim to mooch off of.

[Marie123]

The question is, what are you getting out of this? You can unstick...yourself any time.