My father got sick and passed away

@CANDC, thanks so much for your kind sentiments. It's so fresh, that it's impossible for today not to be difficult. I've been resting a lot. I suppose I must need it.

@Have Hope I hear you. It is not easy but I keep self caring and trying to keep my energy up and not just lay in bed. I have to keep going doing something.

I was like that yesterday myself. I understand what you mean.

I hope you take gentle care of yourself..

I am.... thanks so much.

We celebrated dad yesterday as a family. It was very good for us to be together, just days after his passing. I felt a hole missing for sure, though. There's an empty space there that my mother must now fill for the two of them.

My heart is broken for my mother, for all of us, really. But mom? She will suffer the most. They were married for 57 years. My mother hasn't been alone ever in her entire adult life. This will be an enormous adjustment for her. I feel SO badly for her - my heart just aches. They had plans to travel during their retirement years. Now, my mother is seeking alternative travel partners, including myself. She and I talked about going to Northern California together - I happened to mention it to my sister at our gathering and invited her, too. I hope my mother doesn't mind. I am not sure if mom wanted just the two of us to go. I cannot imagine that she would mind that much. Travel with her two daughters? How fun! We talked about going to Sonoma and Napa and San Francisco - this is my favorite area of the entire country.

I just worry about mom. She has her church community, her friends and family, and her town "neighbors" club, plus book club and swimming group, so she has plenty of distractions. But she is retired and there's a lot of space to fill.

Mom gave me a flannel shirt of dad’s to keep. It was a Christmas present I had given him. It’s comforting to wear it and to have it. I still cannot believe he’s gone.

Today is my father's birthday. He would have been 82 years old. It's also the same bday as a friend of mine who also died this last year while hiking in Nepal. A freak death... he should not have died. He was far too young.

I am sad today.

My sister, me and mom are gathering together for a dinner tonight in honor of dad. I am glad my sister is coming - at first, she wasn't able to, then I kind of guilted her into it. She was not present with me and mom on Thanksgiving Day, and I was hurt by that. Me and mom went out to eat alone by ourselves. My sister decided last minute to do her own Thanksgiving with her longtime fiance.

My mom says my sister hasn't really been there for her through my father's recent death. Well, she has and she hasn't. I've been there for my mom all along. I knew Thanksgiving would be hard without dad, and that's why I went with mom to dinner. But my sister was invited and so was her fiance. They decided last minute to do their own thing, I told my sister the other day that I was hurt that she didn't join us for Thanksgiving. We did have a family dinner on Saturday night with my sister, but it's not the same as being there for mom on the actual holiday.

My sister is weird. She has a weird/conflicting relationship with my mother - she resents our mom and has always felt since we were kids that mom loves me more and that she doesn't love my sister at all. And this is why I think my sister is distancing herself from mom, and why she cannot be there for her more fully to support mom about dad leaving us.

Family dynamics are complex. I just feel badly for my mother right now. But I AM glad that sis is joining us for dinner tonight. I told her it's important and that we are all we have now.

Here's a candle for both my father and my friend on their bdays.

I'm sorry for your losses.

I am praying for comfort and consolation for you today.

@Bill3, thanks SO much.

People have to grieve in their own way. It might not be what we think they should do, but I have learned that the grief process is very individual and I cannot expect others to go through their grief process my way or as I think they should.

Thinking of you today.

Thank you.

I do know this, but I did expect my sister to want to support our mother on Thanksgiving Day. I suspect is passive aggressiveness because that's what she does - she is passive aggressive.