I hate women so much

Often if a person experiences fear and anger they will do things to avoid experiencing hurt and rejection.

It sounds like you experienced something bad that convinced you that you are not good enough to be part of a certain group of people.

You developed some patterns of behavior where you gain access but you still experience discomfort so you put them in the bad guy role so you can reject them before you get rejected. Doesn’t that fit what you experience that you want to fix?

Group of people like girls I can have romantic relationship with?

We must have been writing our posts at the same time.

It’s true that you can’t change the past. It’s better to educate yourself about how these experiences do happen and how the teen years can be painful and it’s something many have challenges from. It doesn’t have to be carried for your entire life.

Just because you were not sexually active doesn’t mean failure when younger either.

I think - if your therapist wasn’t a specialist - that you need a therapist who has specific expertise in treating narcissism. I don’t see the behavioral patterns as being something that will change on its own. You need a specific type of behavioral therapy that addresses the behaviors while also addressing the underlying traumas. None of us here are therapists and none of us can really help to affect true change. That’s my two cents.

Have you talked about this with a therapist?

Yes. The narrative was that its not a big deal if I can move on and people are not that harsh about lack of expierence. I can understand this through logic, but not through emotions.

I understand as that’s my challenge yet I suffer from ptsd. I think it’s good that you have talked about things that hurt you and things that still challenge you and can trigger you.

How would you approach this problem if you were me? I mean you've got the whole picture as I've described it above and I can tell you feel what I'm dealing with. Maybe your vision would give some new perspective.

I think that it can help if you adjust your inner dialogue. It’s not women you hate it’s how uncomfortable you feel right now about them. You anticipate a possible rejection so you set things up to fail. Too afraid to lose so you find a way to end the game and avoid playing it out.

The positive for you right now is that you are willing to self reflect.

I saw a lot of abuse and bullying growing up. I saw the hurt it caused and I decided that I would not be mean and bully.

You can feed the fear and develop into engaging in dysfunctional patterns to maintain a sense of power and control or you can work towards being ok with being vulnerable at times.

I may have similar problem. I was abused, and sexually harassed by boys in middle school since I was 12. Every day was hell, and I was just a child, and I didn't understand why they do that. It was long time ago, in 80s so there was no social conscience about SH in schools, and no one reacted. I complained no one cared.
And I felt guilty and like something is wrong with me for so so long. I think I still feel that way.
So now, I push away relationship with men. Sadly I am straight so I have no alternative, but as soon as some man is interested I start to resent him and detach. I stayed with one boyfriend longest maybe because he was basically unattainable, I would and will never have him. All other relationships I sabotaged quite fast. I feel sometimes resent towards men. Sometimes, I see them as animals. I've been s. harassed a lot later in life too.
It's hard to recover after you have been abused it leaves a mark. I would like to help you but I have same problem and don't know how to solve it.
I am very aware only minor percent of men are abusers or dangerous but I can't help this.

What do you do to help youself?

I tried therapies multiple times, but so far, no luck. I tried to give a chance to dating, I was even married once and it never worked. I overthink everything, I get scared, start to get paranoid, and I just can't stay. I think it might be because I was abused by those boys, but who knows? Maybe I am just "damaged person"?

Were you diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder? You don’t sound to me like one.

I mean it’s clear that your self-esteem is damage since you are projecting hate onto women, the hate you have for yourself, but a personality disorder is very serious.
It’s not the same to have some traits and have the disorder. In the former you are more likely to see these patterns you describe. And the possibilities to cure are much higher.

What are we dealing with?

At first glance, it would appear that you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but since you've stated you feel horrible and embarrassed for your actions, I'm inclined to think you act this way out of fear of rejection. Anyone with NPD wouldn't admit to the things you claim to do and feel bad about it, they would feel proud and happy for how they treat others. You recognize how your behavior affects others, I'm glad you're willing to seek help and it sounds more like you reject others before they can reject you which is very common among people who fear rejection. It sounds like you have rejection sensitivity which is super common among those who have been rejected over and over again in the past but I'm glad you're seeking help and I'm sorry your therapist gave up on you and would like to know why your therapist did that.

Actually more men are abusers....1 in 3 women will be abused in their lifetime...by men.