Marriage Problems

Our therapist doesn’t confront my husband. I don’t think he’s even helping him. I think all they honestly do is chit chat.

And yes it’s the nasty way he fights but it’s more than that. It’s the deflections, the projections, the gaslighting, the false accusations and blame that occurs in these fights too - ALL abuse tactics.

And it happens every time he’s stressed. And he’s stressed a LOT of the time these days.

Do these fights happen while intoxicated?

I’ve been with some difficult men and I’ve never been called names or called crazy or that’s something wrong with me EXCEPT by the one who had a drinking problem (fights were always about me unhappy with his drinking) . Then he’d repent and be all sorry when sober up. When sober he was an angel.

We have somebody at work who drinks and abuses pills. They are afraid to fire as she plays her disability very well. So she is just being moved from a building to building when she goes nuts. So when she under influence or withdrawing (at work) she goes ballistic and causes huge problems sending terrible messages or getting into peoples faces.

The way your husband goes nuts in fights like calling you names or at some point he was physical, it sounds as he’s under influence. It’s not normal to call your own wife crazy snd psychotic unless one is drunk or drugged up. He used some heavy drugs in the past. He might be using again and that would explain nasty fights. Just not normal sober behavior

Don’t let therapist just chat. Interrupt and say my husband called me names last night. Are you afraid to bring things up in therapy? Then it’s really a waste of time. I’d not pay for a chitchat

No, he is not under the influence when these fights happen.

I'm not afraid to bring things up in therapy, but the therapist does not validate my experience of my husband, which is not productive. I've wanted to change therapists and have tried, but there's a lack of availability due to prolonged covid.

One doesn't need to be under the influence to call someone names or insult them. This is pretty common in the arsenal of abusers, gaslighters, narcissists. What better weapon than to deflect and place the blame at the other partner's doorstep and become the victim.

This is typical behaviour in abusive relationships.

Couples therapy when one is abusive is never a good idea. The abuser needs his own therapy to figure out his issues and behavior.

(((Have Hope)))

I don't have much to offer, but wanted to offer some support. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this around the time of your dad's service, and so sorry for that loss. There is just so much for you to deal with.

It sounds like you e made some decisions, and that's good. What you said about those lines that get crossed and you can never go back- I totally get that. You can't unring the bell, right?

Stay strong as you can. You don't have to put it away indefinitely, just until the time is right to deal with it.

(((Hugs))))

Yeah marriage counseling isn’t recommended in a situation of abuse as it often makes it worse. It sounded as he really wanted to get better though so it was worth trying, but if he wastes previous therapy time on a chit chat and bonding with a therapist, getting better isn’t his priority.

He managed to charm this therapist. I also don’t think that the same therapist could be individual and couples therapist. Maybe i am wrong but isn’t he also seeing this t individually? So if that’s the case, therapist is loyal to the husband. It’s also very likely he tells therapist things about you. So whatever you tell therapist holds no value as therapist already got skewed vision of events from the husband. It’s lose lose situation.

Thanks everyone for your caring and support.

We’re now back in the honeymoon phase and all is good again. When he’s this way, I want to stay with him. When he’s not, I want to leave him. Right now I feel kind of stuck in the middle again. But then when he’s in a mood again, I’ll want to leave him. A vicious cycle.

I know our therapy is far from ideal. He did seem motivated before and I think that’s waning. I am only just guessing that he only makes chit chat with the therapist. That’s what I’ve witnessed in our couples sessions at least. And yes, I think he has charmed the therapist. The therapist doesn’t witness how my husband truly is. And he hides it from the therapist I do believe.

And yes, it totally sucks that this is all happening around my dad’s service. I have to be strong and keep my head about me.

Oh man, this is so hard.

Honestly some marriages are just like that. There are ton of people who fight like cats and dogs and get quite nasty with each other but then hugging and kissing the next day like nothing happened! They might live 50 years like this. That’s just how their marriage is. My parents had the kind of marriage. Growing up like that that’s all I knew. Didn’t want it in my life but I really thought that’s how all marriages are.

I mean if there are no kids to learn wrong ways and get damaged by turmoil and drama, then who’s to say you can’t stay in a marriage like this? No one can tell you to leave. You are two adults. It’s perfectly fine to stay.

Now if you can’t decide I think it depends if you are better off with him or without. Which one makes you happier. Be with him or be without. Then base your decision on that.

Whenever I felt I am better without someone, then it was relatively easy to leave. Regardless if it’s legal marriage of other arrangements

Yeah… I feel for me sometimes it’s can’t live with him but also at times I can’t live without him. Sigh.

My ex husband charmed everyone too. Even my mother who couldn't bear the thought of a divorce, let alone the reasons for one. I set up a nanny cam to record arguments. It wasn't a legal thing, it was more so I could prove to my mother I wasn't crazy and lying about his verbal assaults and abusive behaviors.

All I know is that cycles don't break themselves. One or both of you need to do something to break it and it doesn't sound like it's going to be him. Wish you the best.

Does this mean you have decided to no longer leave him?

Oh yeah. My husband knows how to charm. He can be quite adorable when he wants to be.

I don't know @Rive. I really just don't know. I know the next time we fight, I will want to leave him again. And if he insults me again, I will want to leave him.

I am well aware that he's abusive when we fight. When we're not fighting, he is not abusive and is very loving, kind and affectionate.

I have been through SO much this year already that I am enjoying the peace and calm between us right now.

I also don't know if I am ready to face an entire upheaval of my life. I took a month off from work due to a mental health issue early in the year, then I was worried for 4-5 months about losing my job which was very stressful, then my dad died in June and now this.

I also know that I cannot withstand the fights, the abuse that occurs when we do fight or the insults and hurtful comments.

I want to ask my therapist if my husband is working on himself in therapy. I need to ask him this.

It's very possible that in the next fight, I call it quits. I am very reactive and that's how I react. It's gotten to the point where I cannot tolerate it. And my patience is wearing thin. He knows not to insult or demean me. He knows I will not tolerate that OR the fighting.

I, too, contribute to this, however. When I question his fidelity, he gets upset and tells me I still don't trust him. It's true that there's still an element of mistrust on my end and I do question him on things from time to time having to do with other women.

When I point out that his tone sounds angry, he immediately denies it and tells me he's not. So then I tell him, yes you are sounding that way, and that's how an argument and fight can start between us.

Maybe the moment he denies it is when I tell him I refuse to argue over it or fight with him and maybe at that point, I walk away.

I mean, I do contribute to these fights somehow - maybe if I change my own approach, perhaps it will help defuse an argument.

On the flip side, I am wondering if I would simply be better off and happier being single. I can see myself being very happy.

This is not easy. It's very very hard, in fact.

Due to privacy matters, the therapist cannot disclose what is going on in his therapy (that is if he is seeing him alone).

Our therapist does reveal some things to me, which is probably unethical.

Couples therapy where one is abusive usually turns out like this. The charmer charms the therapist and the person who’s abused watches and never is validated.

I’ve told our therapist at least 2-3 times that I didn’t feel validated.

I wish I could find a better therapist. I’ve tried two times now and no one has availability due to Covid.

I guess I am surprised as you were determined that you were definitely done this time. .

Then again, it is your life and your decision.. I will only say that the dance will not change unless and until you do something differently. We are the only ones who can change, we can't change another.

Whether you could have done better or are contributing to this, there are boundaries that he is not respecting. You are not abusing him, you are mistrusting him because of a past transgression that actually happened (+ he was the one who recently raised that issue with why female friends keep you at a distance) whereas he is abusing you and not showing much respect at all. Regardless of your 'faults' that is the key difference.

I hear you, @Rive.

It’s just too hard being the time of my father’s service. And I have to keep the peace for my mother’s sake. I haven’t made up my mind yet. I’m not saying I will stay forever, and I’m not saying I will leave right now. I’m in limbo.

You’re right in that I can only change myself. I also know and believe deep down that if the disrespect continues, and it likely will, that this marriage will inevitably end.