Marriage Problems

My ex husband charmed everyone too. Even my mother who couldn't bear the thought of a divorce, let alone the reasons for one. I set up a nanny cam to record arguments. It wasn't a legal thing, it was more so I could prove to my mother I wasn't crazy and lying about his verbal assaults and abusive behaviors.

All I know is that cycles don't break themselves. One or both of you need to do something to break it and it doesn't sound like it's going to be him. Wish you the best.

Does this mean you have decided to no longer leave him?

Oh yeah. My husband knows how to charm. He can be quite adorable when he wants to be.

I don't know @Rive. I really just don't know. I know the next time we fight, I will want to leave him again. And if he insults me again, I will want to leave him.

I am well aware that he's abusive when we fight. When we're not fighting, he is not abusive and is very loving, kind and affectionate.

I have been through SO much this year already that I am enjoying the peace and calm between us right now.

I also don't know if I am ready to face an entire upheaval of my life. I took a month off from work due to a mental health issue early in the year, then I was worried for 4-5 months about losing my job which was very stressful, then my dad died in June and now this.

I also know that I cannot withstand the fights, the abuse that occurs when we do fight or the insults and hurtful comments.

I want to ask my therapist if my husband is working on himself in therapy. I need to ask him this.

It's very possible that in the next fight, I call it quits. I am very reactive and that's how I react. It's gotten to the point where I cannot tolerate it. And my patience is wearing thin. He knows not to insult or demean me. He knows I will not tolerate that OR the fighting.

I, too, contribute to this, however. When I question his fidelity, he gets upset and tells me I still don't trust him. It's true that there's still an element of mistrust on my end and I do question him on things from time to time having to do with other women.

When I point out that his tone sounds angry, he immediately denies it and tells me he's not. So then I tell him, yes you are sounding that way, and that's how an argument and fight can start between us.

Maybe the moment he denies it is when I tell him I refuse to argue over it or fight with him and maybe at that point, I walk away.

I mean, I do contribute to these fights somehow - maybe if I change my own approach, perhaps it will help defuse an argument.

On the flip side, I am wondering if I would simply be better off and happier being single. I can see myself being very happy.

This is not easy. It's very very hard, in fact.

Due to privacy matters, the therapist cannot disclose what is going on in his therapy (that is if he is seeing him alone).

Our therapist does reveal some things to me, which is probably unethical.

Couples therapy where one is abusive usually turns out like this. The charmer charms the therapist and the person who’s abused watches and never is validated.

I’ve told our therapist at least 2-3 times that I didn’t feel validated.

I wish I could find a better therapist. I’ve tried two times now and no one has availability due to Covid.

I guess I am surprised as you were determined that you were definitely done this time. .

Then again, it is your life and your decision.. I will only say that the dance will not change unless and until you do something differently. We are the only ones who can change, we can't change another.

Whether you could have done better or are contributing to this, there are boundaries that he is not respecting. You are not abusing him, you are mistrusting him because of a past transgression that actually happened (+ he was the one who recently raised that issue with why female friends keep you at a distance) whereas he is abusing you and not showing much respect at all. Regardless of your 'faults' that is the key difference.

I hear you, @Rive.

It’s just too hard being the time of my father’s service. And I have to keep the peace for my mother’s sake. I haven’t made up my mind yet. I’m not saying I will stay forever, and I’m not saying I will leave right now. I’m in limbo.

You’re right in that I can only change myself. I also know and believe deep down that if the disrespect continues, and it likely will, that this marriage will inevitably end.

You are experiencing a lot of emotions and stress right now. Confusion is normal when emotional or stressed.

I agree with Rive, not trusting someone who has broken the trust doesn't make you a bad person... it makes you normal. If he wants your trust back, he has to earn it. Forgiveness from you isn't enough. Calling you names, insulting you... why? Because you aren't blindly trusting him fast enough for him? Because you set a boundry against his disrespectful behavior? Because how he behaves displays as anger to you and it scares you?

You do have the option to not react when he pushes your buttons. It will likely prevent really nasty fighting in the short term. It won't stop him from purposely pushing your buttons to begin with, and that's the abuse that needs to stop. He may even try buttons pushing more often because the abuse cycle is when he's in control of you and he has to get you to react for the cycle to happen. Just be aware of this and prepare yourself. He will find a way to get you to react.

You deserve happiness. Don't let fear or anger block you from finding happiness.

Thank you, and yes, I am experiencing a lot of turmoil right now.

He has broken my trust in more than one way and continues to break my trust by breaking promises made to me. He thinks he has earned it back at this point, but when he breaks a promise to only treat me with respect and love at all times, that lends to my mistrust of him. He doesn't know or realize this.

I want to thank you and @rive for keeping me honest with my true feelings and for helping me to stay grounded in what is real and in what is truly happening between us.

It's easy to get swept up in the honeymoon phase when things are good, which allows you to forget or let go of the bad for the moment, until the next time.

I want to stay grounded in reality - and bottom line is, the reality SUCKS.

But I know I deserve respect AND happiness. And periodic disrespect is unacceptable to me. And it makes me most unhappy.

You deserve better, for sure.

Thank you. I know I do.

I just went through his text messages. I know I know, I already know that that’s a violation. But I did.

I saw older messages between he and a coworker. As I suspected, he blamed me for our separation and near divorce. He said everything went south after I lost my job, then Covid then “the drinking”.

Makes me worry about him doing the same exact thing this go around, which is likely what will happen.

If you had to choose between being right (ie making sure the world knows your side of things, proving your husband wrong, etc) or being happy (ie not fighting, no abuse, no putdowns or insults) which do you truly want for yourself? Which one are you going to do? It doesn't matter what anyone else hears, says or thinks about your relationship. What matters is what you choose for yourself.

I choose being happy without any abuse and disrespect.

So he was discussing his marriage and your shortcomings with a female coworker. Not a long time trusted friends, close family or a therapist. Fairly new coworker. How completely inappropriate

I suspect he once again discusses his marriage with random women. I think he mentioned to someone somewhere on Facebook that he’s having marital problems. That’s why this woman from Facebook sent him gifts in support so to speak. No one sends random gifts like this. If it was about 9/11, why send it now? Not last year?

Maybe he won’t get too chummy with this woman as she is too far but perhaps there would be another woman conveniently there to comfort him

Why isn’t he talking about what bothers him in therapy? That’s what he’s in therapy for. So he just chit chats in therapy, but shares his true feelings about his marriage and you with other women. Not good

The coworker I mention is a friend of his from work- someone he obviously confided in.

He never shared anything about me or our marriage on Facebook.

The woman who sent a gift? It’s weird, yes, but I don’t think it’s suspect anymore. She’s 20 years younger and may not have thought how it may come across. She also seems to be happy with a guy/boyfriend.

I don’t think he has an affair. I think he has poor boundaries with women and they know it.

But I am sure he blames you for marital problems. I am sure he says what you want to hear but he doesn’t see himself as abuser. Not at all

Yes, I agree that he has shown poor boundaries and mainly because I have witnessed it myself.

He has admitted to having had anger issues because of his father, and to his credit, he has not yelled at me since we've been back together. Yes, we've fought, but he has not yelled.

I thought he called you names.

He has. But not yelling at me, is what I wrote.

Just so I understand, by yelling, do you mean raising his voice to be louder? It's just volume control on his part?

It sounds like he is still being mean but just not loud? One can whisper the most horrible thing to someone and the fact that he wasn’t yelling wouldn’t be important. Id probably be rather yelled at than called crazy and psychotic or what not. I am trying to be supportive as you said you are being abused. I don’t think it’s right to encourage abuse or minimize it. I can’t possibly praise him for not yelling and controlling his voice

Yet at the same time you state that he improved and is treating you better and in general things are good. Do you want support in how to leave him or how to stay or how to improve your marriage? What type of support would be beneficial for you? It sounds like therapists aren’t helpful so what would be helpful?