Looking for validation

YES! I agree with you and my first response was about how I had to learn about my child’s special needs so I could help her learn how SHE learns. I actually advocated for her right up into college so she would be helped instead of disrespected. That was thirty years ago that I had to advocate and Yale did not put out the documentary until my daughter was finishing her last year of college.

I agree with you in that individuals can have valid reasons for struggling and deserve to have their challenges be validated.

The last thing I want to do is to make people feel like they can't get validation here or that their requests for validation are somehow wrong. That's why I said that I can feel how I feel about constant validation, and still provide it constantly.

I wish I could just tell each and every person who posts needing validation that it doesn't matter what they are feeling. Feelings don't have right or wrong. You just feel that way. And you actually can't control how you feel about something when it happens. Don't judge yourself for your feelings. You feel how you feel. And it's no one's place to judge that
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First attempt to try to copy and paste on my phone. Above is quoted from seesaw’s post.

I agree with this and agree that a person deserves to be able to share their feelings. In fact, I have been one to listen and support others and yet can have difficulty sharing myself. I have learned in therapy that I have most likely been exposed to too many that need their feelings take priority and do not know how to listen and allow others to feel. My father unknowingly taught me this because if you wanted to talk to him, it was safest to get him to talk about himself.

I was thinking about your question Azul, and how to answer it.

I came upon this reply

and because I'm ''lazy'' (and tired) tonight I'm going to agree with Bill and not write a long post.

Well, there is a thin line between 'validation' and 'denial'. Some people use their need for validation in an attempt to keep going the same way they are going, however destructive that is to them and/or to others (e.g. if children are involved). They do not want and absolutely refuse to hear any other perspective. That is dangerous.

Example: someone living with a cheating spouse and making excuse to keep staying... someone living with an abuser and angry whenever anyone suggests looking at the relationship etc.

I would respect these posters asking for validation and won't respond if I disagreed. But I will most certainly not lie and post on these threads just to validate a choice that I believe is unhealthy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive. Well, there is a thin line between 'validation' and 'denial'. Some people use their need for validation in an attempt to keep going the same way they are going, however destructive that is to them and/or to others (e.g. if children are involved). They do not want and absolutely refuse to hear any other perspective. That is dangerous. Example: someone living with a cheating spouse and making excuse to keep staying... someone living with an abuser and angry whenever anyone suggests looking at the relationship etc. I would respect these posters asking for validation and won't respond if I disagreed. But I will most certainly not lie and post on these threads just to validate a choice that I believe is unhealthy.

Agree with you 100%. Refuse to vakidate anything I don't believe in & so at that point, they only get the point if view they want to hear to make them feel better

@Rive. When it’s online often you don’t get all the facts so it can be harder. For example you may be unknowingly supporting someone who has addiction or AUD problems and is in denial. Often that can be recognized IRL, but missed online. There are times where you just don’t get the whole story online. All social media can be like that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes @Rive. When it’s online often you don’t get all the facts so it can be harder. For example you may be unknowingly supporting someone who has addiction or AUD problems and is in denial. Often that can be recognized IRL, but missed online. There are times where you just don’t get the whole story online. All social media can be like that.

Nothing requires us to validate if we disagree with their point of view on tje facts they do give. If I have doubt & validation is all they want then no reply, othetwise challenge the thinking in as diplomatic way as I can, hopefully planting a seed of thought that there are other ways of looking at it

@eskielover you are very good at offering a different perspective. Not everyone can step back and give your advice some thought. Some people can insist on maintaining their illusions and that’s when it’s best to withdraw.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes @eskielover you are very good at offering a different perspective. Not everyone can step back and give your advice some thought. Some people can insist on maintaining their illusions and that’s when it’s best to withdraw.

Exactly & that is what I do instead of continuing to try to get my thought across. If clarification discussion is continued I will respond but most of the time just withdraw because otherwise I am wasting everyone's time

Validation involves much more than simply verbally agreeing with what someone has done.

A deeper, more meaningful, and more helpful concept of validation involves validating the person, whatever they decide, through understanding, compassion, acceptance, support, nonjudgment.

The following comments are all validating. Notice that none of these comments involve approving of some decision that the person has made.

********

I'm here for you.

Call me anytime.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Can you tell me more about what you are feeling?

What is going through your mind right now?

It sounds like you are trying to figure out what is best for your children.

These are hard decisions.

You still can see some good in your boyfriend.

It sounds like you are afraid that if you leave, you will be alone for the rest of your life.

Of course you are worried about what you can afford on your own.

It's scary to stay, but also for you it sounds scary to leave.

I know you can figure out what is best.

I have confidence in you.

This is an excellent post in my opinion. In practice for most of us it’s not instinct to hold back from judging. But our judgement is just that - our judgment no one else’s. Even if it comes from a place of care judgement is often not what’s needed when someone is coping with complex situations.

Most people need time to process in their own way and come to their own decisions- only they can do this. Validation such in the way Bill describes can play a part by giving someone the space and the reflection to process their thoughts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3 Validation involves much more than simply verbally agreeing with what someone has done. A deeper, more meaningful, and more helpful concept of validation involves validating the person, whatever they decide, through understanding, compassion, acceptance, support, nonjudgment. The following comments are all validating. Notice that none of these comments involve approving of some decision that the person has made. ******** I'm here for you. Call me anytime. I'm so sorry for your pain. Can you tell me more about what you are feeling? What is going through your mind right now? It sounds like you are trying to figure out what is best for your children. These are hard decisions. You still can see some good in your boyfriend. It sounds like you are afraid that if you leave, you will be alone for the rest of your life. Of course you are worried about what you can afford on your own. It's scary to stay, but also for you it sounds scary to leave. I know you can figure out what is best. I have confidence in you.

IRL, I have tried the "I am here for you" & "call me any time" but many times people who need serious validation don't have a clue about what boundaries are. Then when you aren't there for their 3am calls every night because you are enforcing yiur own boundaries, they get angry because you said "any time". I refuse to even open the door to that kind of validation

Agree! My first visit to a psychologist was a great relief because I understood I was not alone and I wasn’t do rare as I thought since a person was able to understand me and saw there are other people with similar problems to me.

Now, said that, validation (always understood with that wide meaning from a psychological point of view- I have to make this clear, because there’s another more common meaning that we are always know and that is a little different), well, as I said, sometimes validation itself falls short in what a support regards. It has been mentioned before some of these cases, but again, as I stated in one of my first posts, you need to know the person or at least all the circumstances the person are within.
Sometimes, a person talks too much online that you can connect the dots and you know.

Personally, I have received validation from many people but I’ve also received an ears pull and they have been both very useful. What I wanted? Validation. What was best for me at that moment? Maybe the last one.

If you are in denial, if you are constantly playing the victim role, looking for excuses, or even being deceitful. You are not gonna find validation on my part. No way.

P.S: Discom, Forgot this quote.
I wasn’t specifically referring to you. Only agreeing with the power of healing when you see than someone else can understand you.

Today, I’m a bit clumsy with the net. As usual. lol!

My first visit to a psychologist was a great relief because I understood I was not alone and I wasn’t do rare as I thought since a person was able to understand me and saw there are other people with similar problems to me.

Now, said that, validation (always understood with that wide meaning from a psychological point of view- I have to make this clear, because there’s another more common meaning that we all know and that is a little different), well, as I said, sometimes validation itself falls short in what a support regards. It has been mentioned before some of these cases, but again, as I stated in one of my first posts, you need to know the person or at least all the circumstances the person are within.
Sometimes, a person talks too much online that you can connect the dots and you know.

Personally, I have received validation from many people but I’ve also received an ears pull and they have been both very useful. What I wanted? Validation. What was best for me at that moment? Maybe the last one.

If you are in denial, if you are constantly playing the victim role, looking for excuses, or even being deceitful. You are not gonna find validation on my part. No way.

I wonder why a person asks for validation in the first place. It seems to me that this is something you expect to get but why asking for?

Thank you for all the insight you are all offering. 👍💖

@eskielover YES! I agree 100%. I found that my good nature in stating those first two statements of Bill’s ended up with my becoming an emotional dumping ground. It put me on an unhealthy person’s patsy list.

From a psychological point of view, it involves everything but being agree or not. This is not required from what I’ve learnt in this thread.
Only point it out this mistake.

Another question. Does a person deserve validation when they themselves are unable of giving this validation to others?
I don’t know. I wonder.
A person who hypothetically treats the rest people as crap? Isn’t that validation lacking of meaningful or support?

Spinning off this and other comments prior to it: I think there are two different things that we are talking about too.

1. Validating how someone feels
2. Validating someone's actions

There is no agree or disagree with someone's feelings. We feel how we feel. Emotions just are. They aren't right or wrong. If something happens and you feel a certain way, then that's just how you feel. It's not right or wrong. If someone posted "I feel this way. Is that right or wrong?" I will always validate them because emotions just are.

But if someone describes an action they took and then says "I need validation/support that I did the right thing." And I disagree with their actions or behavior, then I agree with others, I would abstain from commenting. I also dislike these kinds of questions because it sets up an echo chamber for the person. But I'm not going to disrespect their request if they only want to hear from people who agree with them.

But as I said in my previous post, it's not my place, nor is it helpful to force people into a place of recovery they aren't ready for yet. And people really have a hard time dealing with the fact that the hard work of recovery is on them - your abuser won't fix yourself for you. It sucks, but that's how it is.

I will say "call me anytime" to people who I am actually willing to provide that kind of support. And that's not a lot of people. I have very close friends who, if they need me in the middle of the night, yes, I will be there. But they have also been there for me in the middle of the night, and we are close. I have learned to set boundaries with people who are new friends or more of social friends (versus like the people who know all the details of my trauma, etc.) and limit their access to me. Like I would never say "call me anytime" to them.

I think in any moment we are offering support or thinking of offering support, we have to consider our own boundaries and what we are comfortable with. And that will be different for each of us. And it's all valid.

Yes. People are at different places in their journeys of healing. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take.