Looking for validation

My personal response to that is we should choose who we give our time to according to whether we feel we want to. Maybe others will disagree.

It would depend of course on the situation.

This might tie in with some comments others have made about others not respecting their boundaries and expecting them to listen while never giving anything in return.

I gave examples of validating statements.

More limited validations are possible. One should not say "Call me any time" if one does not mean or want that.

Validation is a free choice. The way in which one chooses to validate, or chooses not to validate, in any given situation is up to each person.

For myself, your initial question is too general to give a universal answer. What a person thinks they (or someone else) "deserves" is subjective because so much of that is wrapped in emotional assessments that can be tied to our personal history and experiences. That in turn can easily interlock with a belief or need to be validated for that feeling we have.

The hypothetical you offer as a general idea for "underserved validation" is not something I would deem as an honest expression. As a rule, I do not reward bad behavior regardless of its application in the moment.

If I observe someone validating a person as you describe, my initial thoughts are to not take that support as sincere, but rather a form of pandering to cater to something they want. Red flags always go up for me if I observe validation ill placed. Go on any given news channel and listen to the "experts" validate the words and actions of public figures most would never deem acceptable. That's an easy example but applicable here.

Validation is a tool for assisting in healing. The more hurt and dysfunctional a person is, the more that person is in need of the tools of healing.

In my view, all hurting people, by the fact of their being human, deserve the opportunity to heal. I myself might not choose to be the one to provide that opportunity, and they might choose not to accept it, but all deserve to have the opportunity available to them, in my view.

One would not validate their treating people like crap. One would listen and observe until one found something that is valid in what they are doing or feeling. One would then acknowledge and validate that.

I really appreciate your posts Bill on this subject, for me this is quite pertinent at the moment as there’s someone I was very close friends with who has had a lot of hurt but has not consistently treated others well (they believe others actions justify this, I don’t agree).

I have instinctively done as you said, validating where appropriate only but it’s been difficult to know how to handle situations where they haven’t behaved kindly to others. I have stayed silent so far but I’m unsure if I’m doing the right thing doing so.

Sorry, I hope I’m not derailing this topic.

@Discombobulated when you observe this step back a bit. You may be seeing a toxic side to a person they usually mask or conceal. Toxic people can play the victim really well and actually get others to follow them and enable them. Alcoholics/addicts are especially skilled at this as well as narcissists.

Thanks Open Eyes, I’ve seen some traits in this person which I do think are possibly narcissistic (I hate even thinking this about them ) and yet they have a caring side too. It feels complex, there’s a lot of drama around this person and I’m sadly noticing it follows them where they go.

Stepping back sounds good advice, I’m instinctively doing this I find.

If you want to play a role, a good possibility would be to consistently acknowledge and encourage this caring side.

Only if you want to!

Thanks, that’s what I’m doing so far - hoping that’s the right thing.

I only do it until I realize my own peace is being disrupted. When that happens, I am outta there. Putting up with major crap even with good, gets old after 54 years of dealing with it. I take care of me first & if that means walking away from those who constantly create an inbalance in my peace....that is my choice. I no longer have toletance for that & I don't need validation from others for my thinking wondering if I am right or wrong.

An excellent rule of communication is to be validating and (then) assertive.

Guys and gals, you helped me so much to understand so I could give a better response to people. It’s now when I noticed it, so it’s that moment when I’m very thankful for all your perspectives.
Clearly, I was not ready to deeply understand what you meant it but now, I …

Thank you, a lot!

Wow! I could have written this. My experience exactly.

When I reached the place where I truly found my autonomy and authenticity and confidence, I also found I was able to validate myself to a great degree. And that was when I found therapy just no longer needed.

I’ve become very mindful of my thoughts and emotions—less judgmental of myself, less questioning of myself. I don’t have that urgency to “fix” me or run from my experience. I have gone through four great familial deaths in the last decade, the most difficult that of my husband to Covid. In reading through forums for survivors of Covid deaths, I see so many struggling with this horrific grief (Covid grief is weighted with so much baggage). I notice that those managing it a bit healthier seem to be those who are able to self-validate, to simply (it’s not simple though) sit mindfully in grief without trying to run from their it or fix it or apply blame for it (real or perceived). So many are want everyone to validate their feelings, but in the aftermath of Covid, the politics, the social taboos, the media, the conspiracy theorists all compound that inability to find outward validation, and the sound of grief stays open and raw.

I’m doing relatively okay because, as I have experienced it, my ability to respectfully and mindfully validate my own grief journey has been healing. And I surround myself with people who are kind, supportive, and validating simply through being who they are. I don’t waste time or emotional energy on people who counter my experience. They aren’t going to change.

So hard, losing your husband, Artley. You’re being so amazing brave.

Artley said:
“I’ve become very mindful of my thoughts and emotions—less judgmental of myself, less questioning of myself. I don’t have that urgency to “fix” me or run from my experience”.

Me too. That helped me a lot to face to my dad’s passing away.
I’m not hard with myself anymore and know myself better and self-acceptance no matter what. Of course, assuming responsibilities for my actions if it were the case. That also was very significant to understand better other people.

The best people here taught me was to be more compassionate with people. We are how we are like for different reasons and we are all at different levels of self-development.