[komig]

I'm a middle aged guy in the Uk and have absolutely no one to count on. My family weren't around and we grew apart a long time ago. I was never lucky enough to have many friends and they all left to live their own lives. So it has mean doing everything alone.

This was fine in my 20s because life didn't need to be taken too seriously. But trying to sort myself out in later life is stupidly difficult. There are so many barriers in front of me that aren't there for others.

- I can't work in the jobs I want because there's no industry contacts to tap.

- I can't live in the flats I want because you need a guarantor.

- I may not be able to go to university next year because no one will act as a reference.

- I can't replace my lost passport because someone must act as a countersignaturee. So despite being a lifelong Uk national, I can no longer hold a passport.

Having no friends or family is humiliating and makes opening up hard. But when you try to explain it, people don't get it. They'll say things like go online or take up charity work without considering that I've tried that a thousand times. People have already paired off, I move around for work, joining a book club won't replace a mother, father etc.

It's also painful to have noone. I'm a fairly solitary person anyway and manage alright by myself but the future is a lonely retirement in isolation. After work, people just don't budge from their sofas. So what am I supposed to do. Build robot friends?

Anyway I don't know what good writing this will do. It's another weekend in isolation. Again most people aren't really going to understand it fully. I'm just really tired of sucking it up.

[unaluna]

Where do you live now? I cant believe you cant get a passport or a flat. Dont you have a current landlord? They usually have notary power.

Aside from that, i am in much the same boat. But im old, my life is lived. I still see my life as having freedom from losers who would dictate my choices, as they had in the past.

Lots people in your boat here.

[divine1966]

I am sorry. Lonely life isn’t easy. Having said that….

1. If you can’t work a job you want, work some other job. Many people can’t get a job they want

2. Most people don’t live in flats or houses they want. Either can’t afford something better or some other reason why can’t move. If you need a guarantor then it means this flat you want is above your means. Rent a room in a house or in a flat or find a cheaper flat that you could afford and you won’t need a guarantor. I have a family in UK and travel there at least twice a year. Same as in the US if you rent within your means, guarantor isn’t needed

3. You have no references for university, so get a job, get on good terms with co workers and your boss and use them as references and apply next year when you have references. If you already have a job, ask them for references for uni

4. If you are UK citizen, you can obtain a passport. Call passport agency and ask what’s needed. You have some type of misinformation

[komig]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Where do you live now? I cant believe you cant get a passport or a flat. Dont you have a current landlord? They usually have notary power.

Aside from that, i am in much the same boat. But im old, my life is lived. I still see my life as having freedom from losers who would dictate my choices, as they had in the past.

Lots people in your boat here.

Hi unaluna. I can get housing but it's a struggle. A landlord couldn't vouch here and my estate agent wouldn't anyway. Yes there's a lot of freedom being by yourself! That is one thing easy to forget. But not many people are as alone as this.

[komig]

Originally Posted by divine1966

2. Most people don’t live in flats or houses they want. Either can’t afford something better or some other reason why can’t move. If you need a guarantor then it means this flat you want is above your means. Rent a room in a house or in a flat or find a cheaper flat that you could afford and you won’t need a guarantor. I have a family in UK and travel there at least twice a year. Same as in the US if you rent within your means, guarantor isn’t needed

3. You have no references for university, so get a job, get on good terms with co workers and your boss and use them as references and apply next year when you have references. If you already have a job, ask them for references for uni

4. If you are UK citizen, you can obtain a passport. Call passport agency and ask what’s needed. You have some type of misinformation

Thanks for your reply divine1966. It's nice to talk to others

This is not an issue you can break down and fix like that though. My old company won't provide a reference and are not required to. HMPO have said I don't satisfy their requirements. Estate agents will sometimes demand a guarantor despite your salary, it'll say right on the ad.

Here is something to consider. When I was talking to the university, I explained my old boss won't respond to my messages. They said, just use someone else. This is how different it is for me. My current job is WFH, I've never met anyone. My jobs before were temps and the managers have moved on. This isn't just life being a little unfair sometimes, I keep getting screwed while everyone else get all the opportunities. I can find minimum wage work in small towns, that's it!

What I need to do is find something greater than myself, to commit to, someone who'll look past my unfortunate background and help. I want to matter to others not just do everything alone. It's not worth it to keep on doing this all by myself.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by komig

Thanks for your reply divine1966. It's nice to talk to others

This is not an issue you can break down and fix like that though. My old company won't provide a reference and are not required to. HMPO have said I don't satisfy their requirements. Estate agents will sometimes demand a guarantor despite your salary, it'll say right on the ad.

Here is something to consider. When I was talking to the university, I explained my old boss won't respond to my messages. They said, just use someone else. This is how different it is for me. My current job is WFH, I've never met anyone. My jobs before were temps and the managers have moved on. This isn't just life being a little unfair sometimes, I keep getting screwed while everyone else get all the opportunities. I can find minimum wage work in small towns, that's it!

What I need to do is find something greater than myself, to commit to, someone who'll look past my unfortunate background and help. I want to matter to others not just do everything alone. It's not worth it to keep on doing this all by myself.

Volunteer for less fortunate. Homeless. Animals. Abandoned babies. That’s greater than yourself. You want to matter to others? That’s one way to do it

Yes some places want a guarantor and then many don’t. Go for the ones that don’t. You can also rent privately. Just a room.

Don’t work from home. Get a job with people.

I don’t know who are these “someone else getting all these opportunities”. Be honest with you, most people struggle one way or the other unless they were born into wealth. Yes minimum wages sometimes is what you need to do. No shame in that. At least they could be your reference!

Everyone needs to hassle

[unaluna]

Every one needs to *hustle.

[komig]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Volunteer for less fortunate. Homeless. Animals. Abandoned babies. That’s greater than yourself. You want to matter to others? That’s one way to do it

Yes some places want a guarantor and then many don’t. Go for the ones that don’t. You can also rent privately. Just a room.

Don’t work from home. Get a job with people.

Did you not read what I wrote about charity work and jobs. How much volunteering and living in rooms do you think I've tried.

I'm sick and tired of having no choices because people won't help. And I am really sick of the anxiety from the constant isolation and the damage it's doing to my mental health. It feels like living in prison. My only option is talking online where everyone it seems thinks you are a moron and needs to be told to suck it up and take up volunteering.

The biggest problem is how lonely it is. I am really out there and I am not getting back unless people choose to help. If they do, that's great. If they don't, great. Either way I have no control over my life until people help. This is not learned helplessness. I am stuck unless people choose to help

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Every one needs to *hustle.

Ugh I said hassle 🤦*♀️ Maybe that too. Lol

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by komig

Did you not read what I wrote about charity work and jobs. How much volunteering and living in rooms do you think I've tried.

I'm sick and tired of having no choices because people won't help. And I am really sick of the anxiety from the constant isolation and the damage it's doing to my mental health. It feels like living in prison. My only option is talking online where everyone it seems thinks you are a moron and needs to be told to suck it up and take up volunteering.

The biggest problem is how lonely it is. I am really out there and I am not getting back unless people choose to help. If they do, that's great. If they don't, great. Either way I have no control over my life until people help. This is not learned helplessness. I am stuck unless people choose to help

Who are those people you want to help you? There are some agencies like vocational agencies or community mental health or local church or welfare agencies or community centers (they have activities for people) Those are supposed to offer some assistance or at least advice. Have you tried?

Other than those agencies I am not sure who do you think will help and with what? Employment? Housing? Most people could barely help themselves let alone strangers. Do you have a therapist or any medical professional working with you? They are often great source of help