Will they ever???

Open Eyes

Some people are way too immature and self absorbed to be a parent. Sadly the child ends up suffering, often for a lifetime.

Sadly,often this parent never recognizes their failings and this leaves the child having to not only grieve not being enough but being left with deep hurts and memories like you have described.

Open Eyes

Babies have very little self awareness. Babies go through many stages of self awareness development. They also look for a loving presence, and that would be the mother’s face looking down at them smiling and talking in loving caring ways.

Human beings tend to carry this desire their entire lives which makes them susceptible to finding comfort in angels and fairy’s and any source that presents some kind of positive presence or guide. There are lots of fairy tales with happy endings but they are fairy tales and not realities.

Too many parents believe a child needs to obey and please them and be what the parent wants. This is often also what happens in child education which has slowly been changing because education is suppose to help a child learn about themselves and instead the focus has been need of perfection rather than understanding how to discover ones own talents and personal strengths.

We tend to teach children to see a glass half empty and not half full without realizing how damaging this can be.

A child can struggle with dyslexia or ADHD and have a very high IQ. These children learn differently, they are not defective. However, if they are treated as though they are defective, it can damage their self esteem and that is so wrong.

I have seen the selfishness and ignorance you are sharing that hurt you. Yes! Often the most damage happens right in the home from parents that really have no business raising a child with all the complex needs a child has.

Mendingmysoul

Words of wisdom from you@Open Eyes,immature and incompetent adults who shouldn't have had kids in the first place,alright. But what boggles my mind is some of them knew what was happening and they chose to turn a blind eye.Right before that incident where my granny was insinuating I was the aggressor, sympathizing with her daughter,there was a prior incident where my mom has attacked me while I was was just sitting down coloring with my crayons out of the blue.One of her rage attacks.I was alone at my grannys place.It was so bad,I couldn't move and froze in my place until my granny came home and found me.I remember her sobbing and touching the welts on my body(I didn't see,but I am sure it was a whip).She mumbled to herself oh,my....oh,my...I know she did it.How could she ?oh,my..How can anyone do this to a little child?as she tried to nurture the wounds. So my point is she knew what could have happened if I didn't hold her hand tight.That could have been fatal.Still granny pretending like that,it's just so awful.

Mendingmysoul

Oh,boy.Now I am ranting. It is spilling out more and more.Ahhhh.

Open Eyes

It’s possible your mother had some underlying mental health condition. I watched a talk about bipolar and how these individuals can have these destructive outbursts. This can show up in early childhood and they showed these angry outbursts.

It’s possible that your grandmother experienced a lot of denial and confusion.

There were so many unknowns and often parents just did not know what to do. It’s possible your mother always had these meltdowns and her mother just passified her.

Mendingmysoul

I have always doubted my mum had something, a personality disorder, cluster B perhaps. And she is haughty and is perfect in her own eyes.Yep,sure thing that everyone around her pacified her, put her on a throne, so to speak. She was able to put blinders on other's eyes.Once she decided to scapegoat me and put my sibling on pedestal as designated golden child,everyone else followed suit.

Mendingmysoul

Because the trauma started very early in the childhood and how others behaved in conforming ways towards the abuser,I lost trust in this world.

Open Eyes

From what you shared it’s not surprising.

Mendingmysoul

Most of the people who are adults have snippets of joyful memories during their childhoods ,they look back and chuckle and feel joy now.I have piles and piles of trauma.I need that hit of dopamine desperately. I try to find if I have had some joyful events back then.They are sparse,almost nonexistent.

Open Eyes

How old is your mother and grandmother?

Open Eyes

From what you have shared it really sounds like your mother is a narcissist and is the golden child of your grandmother.

These kind of individuals do not have the kind of awareness that you are asking about. They can’t be honest and genuinely remorseful. They lack the ability to have genuine empathy. Instead their empathy is faked and self serving for their own needs.

Mendingmysoul

Regarding my mom being the golden child of my granny...hmmm,I think all of them are golden children for my granny.I can for sure say,granny didn't play the sick game of favouritism. She was there for everyone of them.

Mendingmysoul

And when I compare notes of dynamics between parents and children,i.e grandparents and their children v/s my parents and us.Its completely different.In our own family system,there were clear roles assigned, parentified scapegoat, golden child, forgotten child etc. It's not there in grandparents family system.I know all were treated equally. That makes it so confusing. Where did my parents get it from?

Open Eyes

What’s the age of your parents?

Mendingmysoul

My dad late sixties and retired.My mom I don't know.I know it's weird to say but that is a fact. I don't know the exact age of my mom,but when put two and two together, I assume she is in her sixties too.
I would like to add in this context that she maintains so much ambiguity around her age,date of birth and her health .I never had meaningful conversations with her, but remember some weird interactions regarding those aforementioned topics.Circular conversations and half truths.She mentioned many dates ,months or years as possible date of births to different people and always insisted the one on her Id's is a typo and she didn't care to correct it.If anyone insists to know she would say she forgot and she is forgetful about important things.Honestly she looks older to my dad.

Open Eyes

Very vain women tend to hide their age.

Unfortunately a person can be raised in a loving home and still become very narcissistic. There is a lot of insecurity and jealousy with those who have a high level of narcissism. I noticed that in my piers, I’m 66. I saw parenting styles I did not agree with and a lot of self centered behavior in my generation.

Hitting a child the way you describe? That’s deplorable and I am very sorry you experienced that.

Mendingmysoul

Nothing was off limits,when in rage to use as a tool.The whip disappeared mysteriously after she used it on me.Specially grannys place was a danger zone as she owned a lot of old fashioned tools that were family heirlooms.I remember granny had this switch she wielded to shoo away birds and small animals from the farm.It was used once and man ,do I remember that like it was yesterday. Granny got rid of that too.I wonder if granny was kinda getting rid of the evidence in case I died of injuries?

Open Eyes

There must be some kind of disorder in your mother that went unaddressed. They did not really know as much back then like they know today. Could be your mother was prone to have these meltdowns even as a child.

Mendingmysoul

I agree with you what you said about grannys generation. Most probably they were clueless.She seemed smart but naive in some ways.Granny never talked about my mom's childhood much.And my mom never did too.Its possible something's are swept under the rug by maintaining silence about her childhood.