Trying to move forward

I think that's because as a child of an alcoholic parent, you are used to caring for others, rather than for yourself. It's not natural for you to look out for YOU. But self care and self love are so important to self preservation.

I'm very impressed with that counselor!

I'm doing little things I want to look forward to.

Like treating myself to my favorite take out coffee a couple of times a week, or meeting a friend for lunch, or (gasp) paying for a (male) friend's lunch.

Nothing big yet

It’s hard to accept that you cannot fix another person.

This is especially true when someone we love is an alcoholic/addict. There is usually an underlying issue and the alcohol is part of the escape. These individuals tend to create outside ways of gaining a sense of control. They tend to repeat patterns that are unhealthy. Individuals that are nearing 50 yet still interacting with the maturity level of an eighteen year old. That is where they are stuck and are very resistant to changing and actually growing.

It took me a while to understand this myself. I wanted what you wanted, I hear you. It’s not your fault that you can’t fix her.

Hi Open Eyes

She regressed. As she immersed herself more with her new BFFs, she became more immature.

Look up Limerence, something to think about as I think you had been stuck in it unknowingly.

Actually there are probably YouTube talks about it.

I took some time to look up some info on limerance, and YT talks on the topic.

I longed for my wife terribly. I still do. I'm only strong in her absence. All I have to do is receive a reasonable text from her followed up by a "thank you" and I start wondering if we have a future.

But it wasn't only a fantasy. It wasn't only topical or shallow. There are parts of the definitions and explanations of limerance that I see as applying to me.

Thank you.

I wonder if longing for your wife to be different than she is, is tied to a childhood longing that you had for your alcoholic parent.... children of alcoholic parents are often forced to grow up fast, & become the caretaker of their parent... rather than the reverse. That longing could very well be tied to your childhood. Something to think about at least.

Believe it or not, my oldest said

"I think you had to look after a lot, and it was just expected. I think you just took on responsibility on the farm because if you didn't it would have had a lot of repercussions. You always told us with our pets, Animals don't care if you're tired or if you had a bad day, they need you. So I think you just worked and looked after stuff, and if someone was drinking you just looked after more. I also think no one in your family noticed that you did that and I don't think you ever got much credit for it. So, doing a lot, and not being noticed for it was normal to you. Not being treated fairly was normal to you. And that is just what you continued to do with Mom. Dad, you told me just because something is normal for you it doesn't mean it is right. Well, this isn't right for you just because it's what's normal for you."

Isn't it strange how we can live a pattern like that and not realize just what it was we were doing?

I'm continually taken aback by revelations about my own life, frequently thinking something along the lines of "Why did I accept that as normal? Why did I think it was okay to be treated that way?"

It can be a lot to digest.

There are a couple of good YT channels that help deal with childhood trauma, if you are interested in pursuing that end of things at this point, I can give you the names of the ones I like. It can be a good place to move to once you are the central focus of your life again.

Hope today is a good day.

It sounds like your oldest has really taken time to understand his mother’s alcoholism and disordered behaviors and why you continued to protect her even though it was so unhealthy.

A therapist I had told me to watch a series called “Mad Men” and the series took place in my parents generation. I found it and watched an episode and found it very triggering. We changed from cable to streaming to save money and I found it again and ended up watching the entire series. There was a lot of alcoholism in my parents generation and it was normalized. Women were devalued in a normalized way as well. When I was growing up I did see a lot of alcohol consumption and I thought that was just something adults did.

I get angry that it was normalized because I failed to see important red flags that ended up causing me a lot of emotional pain. I also get very disgusted when I come across an alcoholic/addict hypocrite. These individuals are high drama, attention seeking, victim mentality yet they are right in there drinking and drugging themselves. Seriously, why don’t they just admit they choose other addicts because they themselves have a problem?

They won’t, you know why? Because they are addicted to the high of the drama, drama, drama. And don’t even try to call them out, they will rage and have a melt down and call you an abuser. It’s very possible it’s borderline personality disorder with the narcissistic behavior patterns of an alcoholic/addict. The so called love is not a normal healthy love. Instead it’s all about the drama and feeling lost without it.

@ArmorPlate108 it’s human nature to follow patterns not always realizing how unhealthy it may be.

RD Mercer,

I understand your feelings. Although we know that your wife and my husband are not good for us but it is not easy to dismiss the feelings we have for them. Not sure it is love or just because we are used to have them in our lives.

When your partner/spouse/and even friend is an alcoholic/addict they become very self absorbed and can act like they care but that part of their brain actually is not working and instead doesn’t really consider the feelings of spouse/friend/or children.

This leaves spouse/partner/friend/ children feeling vey alone and disconnected and even betrayed in that the alcoholic consistently fails to recognize the hurt they cause. Instead they continue to be all about their own feelings and needs. They can feel loss but not the loss others feel that they hurt in this very selfish disease.

Typical conversations are about “you have to support my needs” and if you don’t follow along with that you are deemed unsupportive and mean abusive etc etc. the drama that is constant is mostly “ all about me and my needs”

My father never admitted he was an alcoholic. My father regretted and was even tearful about his failings. Yet he never looked at me and said he was sorry if I had been hurt. I loved my father, yet I wish he was able to look at me and acknowledge that he understands he hurt me.

That part is missing when someone is an alcoholic/addict. It’s the nature of that disease and how it affect a persons brain.

@Bill3 yes you know this one. And this is and never was something you could fix. You have a good heart, you deserved better. @RDMercer this is not something you can fix either and it pains you because you are capable of caring and it’s hurting your children who need to feel safe and loved so they can grow and mature. Yes your wife is a bottomless pit and you are powerless to change that. It was never that you were not good enough, and your children need to understand this too.

You can feel the pain of others, alcoholics don’t, and that is because their addiction shuts off that part of the brain. This is why these individuals never mature and tend to stay self absorbed and self centered. The partner/friend/spouse/children all suffer and feel very alone and confused because of this.

You and your children deserve better. @Starlingflock, you too deserve to heal and have someone who is actually mature and capable of caring. You too cannot fix your husband, keep trying and let him go as he only brings problems and doesn’t care.

Ok.... Something new is occurring lately.

I'm going through stretches where I am really, really angry.

Today she told me how devastated she is that she can't see our daughter Our daughter is her obvious favorite because men suck.

She's devastated she says.

Not a thought or question about the kids. Not a concern about school attendance, grief, report cards, and has only ever asked about seeing and connecting with our daughter in the past almost three months. Not a thought that her actions have led to no contact and the kids are MORE devastated for longer.

Money is tight, but it's not noticeably different than when she was here. It's actually better. But there's not a thought or question of, "Are they ok? Do they need anything?"

Our kids are really good kids. I'm proud of them. They deserve better, and have deserved better for years.

And as a loving parent, I deserve better. She hurt our kids, deeply, and we all still tried to support her and love her and care for her.

And now that the kids have cut her loose, she's the one injured and devastated.

The selfishness, self centeredness and self righteousness is staggering.

RDM

I'm honestly so unbelievably angry since this morning.

That's when I got the text messages from her saying she wanted some stuff from the house, and how devastated she was that she couldn't see our daughter.

What the?????

Why not anyone else, just our daughter??

I haven't told the kids this because it will hurt them too much.

Seriously?? Not a THOUGHT about anyone else, or how the kids are feeling and hurting.

((RD)) this behavior is exactly what I described in my last posts this behavior is showing you an example of what I described and had to learn about myself.

It’s understandable that you are angry yet this anger is not going to help other than give you the energy to move forward in a way that is best for you and your children. Your wife is not going to see how her alcohol abuse is hurting others instead she will only see her own needs which is what you have been seeing for a while and NOW your children deserve a presence that sees their genuine hurt.

You had been coming from a caring concerned place, and your wife was not which is the nature of that disease due to how if affects the brain. Individuals know and can act like they care but they do not feel it due to how their brain is being affected. That’s why it has so many narcissistic behavior patterns.

People who drink and black out are mostly operating off of their primitive reptilian part of their brain. They don’t remember and lose time. You mentioned witnessing this happen with your wife.

I have witnessed this behavior, it’s confusing and scary. Not something your children should be exposed to.

If your wife has personal property in your home that she wants have her send you a list so you can put these things outside or in the garage for her to pick up. That way you can make sure the children will not be there and she isn’t in the house wandering around. Keep strong boundaries.

I would ask the lawyer if it’s ok if you change the locks so she can’t just show up and walk in. Your children should not have to worry about her suddenly invading them in any way.