Trying to move forward

Ok.... Something new is occurring lately.

I'm going through stretches where I am really, really angry.

Today she told me how devastated she is that she can't see our daughter Our daughter is her obvious favorite because men suck.

She's devastated she says.

Not a thought or question about the kids. Not a concern about school attendance, grief, report cards, and has only ever asked about seeing and connecting with our daughter in the past almost three months. Not a thought that her actions have led to no contact and the kids are MORE devastated for longer.

Money is tight, but it's not noticeably different than when she was here. It's actually better. But there's not a thought or question of, "Are they ok? Do they need anything?"

Our kids are really good kids. I'm proud of them. They deserve better, and have deserved better for years.

And as a loving parent, I deserve better. She hurt our kids, deeply, and we all still tried to support her and love her and care for her.

And now that the kids have cut her loose, she's the one injured and devastated.

The selfishness, self centeredness and self righteousness is staggering.

RDM

I'm honestly so unbelievably angry since this morning.

That's when I got the text messages from her saying she wanted some stuff from the house, and how devastated she was that she couldn't see our daughter.

What the?????

Why not anyone else, just our daughter??

I haven't told the kids this because it will hurt them too much.

Seriously?? Not a THOUGHT about anyone else, or how the kids are feeling and hurting.

((RD)) this behavior is exactly what I described in my last posts this behavior is showing you an example of what I described and had to learn about myself.

It’s understandable that you are angry yet this anger is not going to help other than give you the energy to move forward in a way that is best for you and your children. Your wife is not going to see how her alcohol abuse is hurting others instead she will only see her own needs which is what you have been seeing for a while and NOW your children deserve a presence that sees their genuine hurt.

You had been coming from a caring concerned place, and your wife was not which is the nature of that disease due to how if affects the brain. Individuals know and can act like they care but they do not feel it due to how their brain is being affected. That’s why it has so many narcissistic behavior patterns.

People who drink and black out are mostly operating off of their primitive reptilian part of their brain. They don’t remember and lose time. You mentioned witnessing this happen with your wife.

I have witnessed this behavior, it’s confusing and scary. Not something your children should be exposed to.

If your wife has personal property in your home that she wants have her send you a list so you can put these things outside or in the garage for her to pick up. That way you can make sure the children will not be there and she isn’t in the house wandering around. Keep strong boundaries.

I would ask the lawyer if it’s ok if you change the locks so she can’t just show up and walk in. Your children should not have to worry about her suddenly invading them in any way.

(((RD))))

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. Everyone experiences anger, and it's very common to go through a very angry phase once the veil lifts and you realize what you're dealing with.

Codependent no more has an entire chapter dedicated to anger. She says she didn't allow herself to feel anything for so many years that once she started feeling anger she was terrified it would never stop.

But as they say, you have to feel it to heal it.

You are entitled to the anger, and processing it out of your system. Maybe you weren't allowed to be angry as a child either? That perfectly normal emotion always seems reserved for someone else?

Something I've come to understand recently is that anger is something you feel, process, and move past. Anger is not something you do to or take out on someone else. Something you do to someone else, whether overt, covert, verbal, physical, passive, etc, is aggression. The distinction is important because it helps remove the stigma from the normal emotion of anger.

Whenever my DH is gone for a few days, it's like the emotional headspace in the house clears and those of us here are allowed to have our emotions again. He literally hijacks all the emotional headspace in the house, and it's hard to explain to someone else how this happens. No emotions but his matter, and everyone else's are trampled. We didn't even realize how much we'd repressed our emotions because of him. We now work on expressing/processing our emotions in a way that is healthy for us, but doesn't engage him.

Anyhow, I suspect that given how she is, whatever you begin to feel is probably very normal, and you should honor it and ride it out. Even if it feels like it will never pass, it will.

Hope you are feeling okay today.

I agree that it’s important that the anger you feel doesn’t turn into aggression. This is what a toxic person baits for because they will use it against you.

Open Eyes, YES! Exactly!

Agreed, I have to be careful of being baited.

This:

"
Whenever my DH is gone for a few days, it's like the emotional headspace in the house clears and those of us here are allowed to have our emotions again. He literally hijacks all the emotional headspace in the house, and it's hard to explain to someone else how this happens. No emotions but his matter, and everyone else's are trampled. We didn't even realize how much we'd repressed our emotions because of him"

Is so overwhelmingly true. I could have written this. I've used the description "sucked all the air out of the room".

I had a job for 5 years that required me to be away for 1-4 nights about every 3 months. I've asked the kids if the house felt different during those times.

No. It was really hard because you weren't there.

Are you sure? Were things hard at home because of me and mom arguing.

It didn't change when you weren't there. We just had to do more stuff on our own.

That was me trying to confirm if I was the source, or half the source of the feeling in the air at home.

They are pretty clear that it's a no.

Last night the big kid told me, This is the life I've wanted for the last 6 years, just us without mom We're ok and we're going to be ok.

I was thinking about you and how you were going to handle things during the holiday as your wife might pull something to make it about her.

It’s good to see you seeing the reality of how unhealthy things were for your family as she demanded all the attention not even having the awareness of how her behavior had been causing so much emotional distress in others.

"Not even having the awareness..."

That's the thing. I don't think she has the awareness.

Because of that, everything is done to her. She is the recipient, not the source.

When I said, progressively, This is getting really bad, some of the things you're saying and doing are really scary, it's effecting us all, please get help, please work on yoyr relationship with the kids.

That was me tearing her apart.

When I finally told the kids, You have to tell mom yourself because she doesn't believe me, that was me manipulating them against her.

Trying to move the kids into a more stable home because she'd be talking openly about divorce for 5 months, was me kicking her out of the house.

And.... I know she's in pain. Deep mental and emotional pain, with no ability to make it change.

And I've always loved her and never wished her pain, and hate having her think I'm the source of it.

I'm signing off for a few days.

A friend of mine went through hard times far worse than any I experienced. I asked him how he did it.

He said, You can endlessly examine and question. You have to make yourself stop.

So, I'm stopping and living in the now for a few days.

RD... I wanted to let you know that I appreciate this thread and all that you are sharing .
It helps me when my own situation which has many similarities is really tearing me apart . Thank you .

Hey Sadman!

Yes, this sucks! Really, really sucks!

Why am I back on here?

Because I just interacted with my wife over text, and I'm questioning everything!

Again!

I feel like a complete screw up loser who caused bottomless pain.

Again!

And I don't want to seek confirmation from the kids that they truly chose me and that they are healthier no contact with their mom. That's unfair to them. They need me for support.

I have ZERO confidence after I speak to her.

BUT.... When I went for a week without talking to her, I:

- really took control of my work (job), and actively sought ways to move forward, and it appears things are progressing already
- began building a financial emergency back up plan and enacting it
- totally lost the feeling of hoping and wishing someone would save me
- really took control at home and was able to do multiple things to offer the kids support.
- became the boss, clearly, at home, and got a ton done and did a lot to look after my herd.

Got-dang! Why is she so certain and unquestioning, and I'm so uncertain and questioning?

And I don't want to slander her to anyone, or suggest she's mentally ill. This is a fairly small town.

Sadman.... It sucks.

But a few good days make a difference.

I read an article recently about some Nigerian men who rode on the rudder of a ship for 11 days for a chance at a better life in Europe. HUMANS are amazingly resilient and adaptable.

You, too, are human.

You got this.

I got this.

Ok?

It’s ok if you experience something and fall backwards and need to vent in your thread.

It’s actually normal to gain and slip the way you described. Please keep in mind that your wife already knows how to push your buttons. You are just slowly learning and you will still experience some codependent habits/feelings/sensitivities.

Often it really is a one day at a time process. You are a nice man so of course you don’t want to share negative things about your wife You can learn to detach with love. You don’t have to engage in toxic.

When someone struggles with codependency they often experience cognitive dissonance.

I don't want to argue with her because I don't want to cause more hurt, and because I don't want to become heightened.

As for her hitting my buttons, I don't even know if she's doing it consciously.

Ultimately I'd be arguing with a damaged person in deep emotional pain.

Her life has to be crumbling right now. To her, her husband blindsided her and turned her kids against her. He's refusing to sell or move, he's breaking her financially, and he's threatening to move the family several hours away in September, which means her chance of a relationship with her kids is gone.

And in her mind, NONE of that is created by her.

I'm so tired of being blamed, and feeling so defensive.

RDM

@RDMercer you are not responsible for your children not wanting to be around their mother.
Please remember how your son told you how much he wanted his mother to not invade and frighten him for the last six years especially. It clear that your son reached out for help and counseling a while ago with how much he has learned.

Your children FEAR their mother.

I fear for your youngest who experiences anxiety. I pray she learns about alcoholism/addiction so that she doesn’t end up self medicating and developing a problem herself. I have seen that happen and it’s bad and in some cases deadly.

You know you are not bad mouthing their mother or manipulating them. You are just listening and trying to be supportive.

And you know what? There is no anonymous when someone is an alcoholic, especially in a small town. People pretty much already know.

RD, I'd like to just point out that whenever you have an interaction with your ex/wife, it sends you into a downward, self deprecating and self doubting spiral. And whenever you have a reprieve or break from those interactions, you are better, happier and far more at peace. I'd just like to point this out as it's something I have observed through various posts you've made.

I'm aware Hope.

It's because I empathize that she's in pain, I'm conditioned to assume it's my fault, I long for her, and because her thinking and rationalizing is so different from mine that it creates cognitive dissonance.

Just a couple of texts can cause that.

And that's because you place far too much stock in what she says to you... you're placing too much validity on all that she says, without taking into account that it is coming from a place of mental illness and severe disturbance within her. Until you stop listening to and absorbing her blame and BS, you will always feel this way, I'm afraid. You're very stuck in the same emotions and perspective and seem unable to move forward.

BTDT

When was the last time you tried to reason with her and got somewhere? It may have happened at some point, but probably not very often. She's not interested in the same type of cohesiveness that you are, she's interested in winning.

It doesn't matter what her level of awareness is. She's a grown up and can be/needs to be responsible for herself. Part of codependency is accepting that other people have to deal with the natural consequences of their choices and behaviors. You can't control her, nor shou!d you. She is either good to you and your kids or not.

Even acting normal is part of the manipulative pattern. Think about a three year old who acts out and then adjusts accordingly to make sure she doesn't lose mommy's love or protection.

The best thing I ever did was to quit trying to engage on some deeper/ reasoning level. I take him at face value these days and don't respond based on history, but rather in the moment- much like a room mate or stranger. This approach is especially helpful to avoid getting baited into old, circular arguments. I know, easier said than done, but with time you can establish the new pattern.

In codependency, they also say that if you find yourself focused on the other person, you need to stop and ask yourself what you want instead. Unfortunately, many of us don't know, so we keep focusing on the other person . Like your buddy said, if you can stop thinking about it for a while and go do something with your kids, do that. Have fun! You deserve it. Even if you don't feel like doing it, maybe start going through the motions and see if you get into it. Your kids will appreciate it anyway.

You are probably dealing with a very long history of being covertly manipulated and gaslighted. She knows what she's doing even if she doesn't know what she's doing. It's hard to trust yourself after that because the person you trusted the most isn't suppose to do those things. Journaling events helps me because then I'm able to keep track of ongoing patterns, and that helps when I'm feeling knocked off balance. Just spitballing here, but like you, I grew up in a very unhealthy family. Terrible things happened and there was nothing I could do about it but put it in the past and keep going. Unfortunately, I have a habit of doing that in my marriage. He can be a total jerk, and the next day I've moved on. It's one thing to be forgiving, something else entirely to be a chump. Like I said, making notes has helped me to remember the patterns that are unacceptable.

Hope you go have some fun this weekend, you all deserve it.

You guys rock.

Thank you.

I used to rock, but now my hip hurts.

I'm struggling to move forward. True. I have never wanted to be married until I met her. Letting go sucks.

Codependency gets in your nervous system and adrenal glands. It actually ages people and they are prone to getting sick more.

Unfortunately people tend to do what they know, even if it’s unhealthy. Some feel it’s better to be with the devil you know then the one you don’t know. At least you know what to expect. How awful is that?

It's true for me.

If not for the kids I'd be recklessly pursuing her.

I don't want to date.