Trying to move forward

RDMercer · Oct 16, 2023 at 02:28 PM

Two more weekends behind us.

Tons of family meals, roaming in an old 4x4, lots of visits with and to neighbors, family came and stayed, Halloween movies together, little projects on the house, good marks in school, exercising together, the kids are having healthy happy dates with other good kids, new work opportunities emerging.... Just.... wow.... And it's so easy.

eskielover · Oct 16, 2023 at 03:28 PM

When we get out of a bad situation, life can get so much better & the difference it really obvious. There is a peace that exists even when there are still things we have to struggle with

RDMercer · Oct 16, 2023 at 04:41 PM

"There's a peace that exists even when there's things we struggle with" is TOTALLY accurate!

I'm worried about income, inflation, health, keeping a car running, and ... Ok... We'll figure it out.

There's just a lot of goodness around me right now.

RDMercer

eskielover · Oct 16, 2023 at 07:31 PM

Quote:

I'm worried about income, inflation, health, keeping a car running, and ... Ok... We'll figure it out.

What I found was that when I was no longer around the husband that was financially irresponsible, it was much easier to budget for all those things I had to worry about when with (in my case) him. No more fighting over where the money had gone....makes budgeting much easier. Have had a few things that cost more than I had (like all terrain 4x4 truck tires & vet bills) but always found interest free financing when needed. Yes, you will figure it out well I am sure

Quote:

There's just a lot of goodness around me right now.

That is what life should be like. I have found when I sense it getting out of balance, I stop & analyze why & adjust what is causing the problem. Sometimes for me that has meant removing the cause....usually something new I gave a chance.

Open Eyes · Oct 16, 2023 at 10:54 PM

Glad to hear you and your children are enjoying a healthier environment since your wife moved out and they have distanced from her.

Your wife has chosen a lifestyle where she abuses alcohol and is hanging out in the bar social scene which is typically full of drama and unhealthy people like her friends. This is a choice on her part and when someone gets into this pattern and mindset the best thing to do for your own mental health is to completely distance. This mindset is very narcissistic and unhealthy.

Open Eyes · Oct 17, 2023 at 08:14 AM

From the many years I have witnessed different people that abuse drugs/alcohol this is all about what is lacking in them. They live in denial and make all kinds of excuses including blaming others and claiming to be victims to deny they have a problem. These individuals exhibit many narcissistic behavior problems that hurt others around them.

It’s NOT because a spouse or offspring are not good enough. This dysfunction is all on the ADDICT. These individuals are “users” and their relationships revolve around their addiction disease.

RDMercer · Oct 18, 2023 at 06:36 PM

I hit a low point today for a few hours. I also suddenly became paranoid that she was going to show up at my work or at home.

I'm struggling with it that, I really loved her, and that can't trust any of the good things she said or did for me.

There were a few profound compliments, that when I look back were said at times we weren't close. So... That means they probably weren't genuine.

I can also look back at times that she had short stretches of acting very different than what I was used to... Which were probably early times "the mask slipped".

I'm a very trusting person, and now I'm less so.

RDM

eskielover · Oct 18, 2023 at 08:26 PM

Quote:

I'm a very trusting person, and now I'm less so.

This is actually a good thing because now people have to PROVE that you can trust them rather than just blindly trusting.

Ugh, I lost trust when I was 17 & just graduated from high school when a long distance BF who was talking about us getting married whote me a letter saying he just got married to a girl he went to school with & a few months later wrote me that he had made a mistake marrying her. He got a letter back from me saying....."tough, you made your choice live with it". From then on I trusted no one & made sure I had my degree & my career even when I did get married & it was a good thing I dod cause I could never trust him to be financially responsible. Sadly he proved the red flags I saw before the wedding to be correct. Now when I sense red flags even with acquaintences I walk away.

It is good to look at life logically with a little emotion included for balance

ArmorPlate108 · Oct 18, 2023 at 09:27 PM

(((RDM)))

I agree with eskielover.

Trust is earned, and your price is higher now.

Now you can hone that aspect of yourself and become more discerning. You'll decide who to trust, how much to trust them, and be far more attuned to red flags that arise in the process. As painful as the awareness is, maybe it's better than when you were still unaware?

But processing and healing, not knowing what thoughts and feelings are going to crop up, or when, can really suck.

Open Eyes · Oct 19, 2023 at 07:58 AM

Your wife has proven to be deceptive and unpredictable. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who can be nice sometimes and then distant and secretive at other times. Not to mention the fact that your wife abuses alcohol and even your own children don’t feel safe with her.

It takes time to fully accept that a person we wanted to love and trust is not the person we married. You have gained some ground yet there are times when these uncertain feelings will come up. Lots of people miss the red flags that a person they thought they could love and feel safe with turns out to reject and hurt.

RDMercer · Oct 24, 2023 at 10:55 AM

The mourning is real.

It's mourning everything.... The death of the personality I thought I knew.

The loss of a parent for my kids.

The lost investment of time and emotion.

The loss of our.... OUR.... supposed future hopes and expectations.

And I refuse to let myself get angry about this. Anger is just pain, fear and loss coming out as aggression. I'd rather feel the base emotions and deal than get angry.

I still worry about her, and I still pity her.

YES........ She will latch onto someone, or someones else to tell her story and get through. And she won't have a home and a family, and someone who will offer her devotion.

Sorry to the other guys and her besties, but I'm the best thing that ever happened to her. She would have had it better here than anywhere else. I've never failed to look after the people I love, and she was prioritized among them.

I also don't want to become jaded about relationships, or feelings of commitment or devotion should anyone else ever show up in my orbit.

RDMercer

Open Eyes · Oct 24, 2023 at 12:03 PM

Good for you! You are releasing the negatives that only serve to cause YOU more pain. You are slowly allowing yourself to see the dysfunction that there was nothing you could do to change.

It’s very hard when we give our love to someone who cannot love back in the same way. Yes, it’s a loss and a very deep disappointment. You have the ability to love and from what you have shared your wife doesn’t. Instead your wife is a user and you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone like that. It won’t matter who she hooks up with her goal is to “use”.

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RDMercer Grand Member Member Since May 2013 Posts: 899 11 118 hugs given	Oct 16, 2023 at 04:41 PM #603 "There's a peace that exists even when there's things we struggle with" is TOTALLY accurate! I'm worried about income, inflation, health, keeping a car running, and ... Ok... We'll figure it out. There's just a lot of goodness around me right now. RDMercer
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