Dating After Divorce and Life Transitions

Thank you… this is so important for me right now.

Soooo glad you didn't contact the ex in your moment of feeling vulnerable. Cuddle your kitty cat and call a friend or, like Molinit says, some self-care. This is when you need to take up novel reading (maybe something fun like One for the Money, by Janet Evanovich, about an inept female bounty hunter). So relaxing compared to Internet time.

Too late. I don’t have a leg to stand on. I contacted him, and we had sex. What’s wrong with me?

Had sex with whom? Your ex?

If with your soon to be ex, you need to end it with the current guy or at least fess up to him. If I dated or even just slept with someone, I’d need to know that they still sleep with their ex/soon to be ex. One of my oldest friends had that happened to her. She was dating this guy who turned out was still sleeping with his ex wife. She had no idea! I heard of other people doing that. Sleeping with exes or soon to be exes. I mean it’s your choice, but you need to be up front with your other partners/boyfriends etc

You're human. You're in a tough place right now being unemployed and not knowing if the new relationship is going to happen.


But now you need to decide if this is a 1-time thing, and you need to re-draw your boundaries extra strong if it is.


I personally don't think you need to reveal this to your current bf, at least not at this time, if it's a 1-time thing. That's my opinion. You can tell him later when you know if it's going to turn into love. If it doesn't work out there's no need for him to know.


But only if it's a 1-time thing. You are human. But this can't happen again if you aren't going to get back with him. Because I guarantee HE thinks you are back together now.


I'm not sure what implications this might have for your divorce. Again if it's 1 time I would think it might get chalked up to being a mistake.

I dont think hope needs to tell jay. They dont have a commitment to each other. Just because a woman wants to know if a guy is sleeping with other women, it doesnt mean that a guy wants to know if a woman is sleeping with other men, esp just her ex.

Thanks everyone. I’m not going tell Jay because we’re not committed. It’s only been a few weeks of hanging out. We’re not a couple and we’re not in a relationship. I don’t see the point in telling him. It is/was a 1 time thing. Well this is the second time realistically but I must nip it in the bud now with my ex. I’m sure he’s hopeful. I can’t lead him on so I must tell him that’s the last time.

There are implications in some states about this issue. You need to consult an attorney and NOT the one you are sharing with your ex. He now has every legal right to stop divorce proceedings and delay your final divorce. He can say there is a pattern because you've hooked up after filing a couple times.

It's hard to transition to a new life after marriage and you have a lot going on. You deserve better than you are allowing yourself to find with some of your choices. You may need to find a way to a therapist to understand why you keep returning to someone who repeatedly hurt you. Understanding why (trauma bond) is not enough. How you are going to heal from it should be your focus.

I'm split on telling your friend Jay about it. I don't know if you agreed to be exclusive while taking things slowly. If you said you would and now you didn't, he deserves the truth. If you don't have any such agreement, I think you should keep it to yourself for now.

I agree with RollercoasterLover. I think you may want to talk to a professional about this, about what you can do when you're feeling lonely and scared.


I once heard a women talking about touch deprivation when someone ends a relationship, and how she found it helpful to get massages. I think sometimes we are just starved for human touch (pets do help but it's not quite the same). Even though we may miss sex as well, part of it is just losing someone to hug every morning.

I find it interesting that lack of sex was an issue in your marriage (your husband wasn’t very willing), but now when separated he seems to all ready to go any time you call! I wonder if it’s manipulation now and if you get together, amount of sex will go downhill again.

Oh yeah if you aren’t a couple and it’s all casual, no need to tell him. I misunderstood that things are getting serious and you are interested in a serious way.

I hope you will find the boundaries with your ex husband so that you two can stop using each other. You seem so dysfunctionally entangled and you are both being less than honest with each other. Please consider finding a therapist to work through your issues of being unable to be okay with your own independence. Until you figure out what scares you so much about being by yourself, I fear you will keep repeating this pattern with your ex. It’s not fair to yourself. It’s not fair to your ex. It’s not fair to anyone you enter into relations with.

You and your ex feed off each other and keep repeating the same mistakes. It may take really exploring what that’s all about for you to reach a place where you can find the strength to truly disengage permanently from that pattern with him.

Wishing you the best in this. It must be so difficult to move forward when you keep looking back. I think many of us, myself included, have had areas in our life that we cling to even when we know it isn’t in our best interest. It takes great introspection and learning of different habits and skills to change directions permanently, but those changes are worth the work when we finally get there.

There is no current legislation or law in my state that says a divorce can be delayed if you have sex with your spouse. I looked it up. There is only a proposed bill right now for this. There is also no law against dating while getting a divorce in my state.

Was it wise of me? No... it was a spontaneous decision and certainly wasn't well thought out.

And no, Jay and I have not explicitly said that we will be exclusive. Soon he will be sailing for a week, then on the Caribbean beaches for a week. I think he could easily hook up with a woman while there and have sex while he is away. He hasn't said he won't... and we haven't talked about it.

And the possibility still exists that Jay decides to move to the Caribbean. Then it's all a moot point. If he stays and if we ever DO commit to each other, I still don't see the necessity of telling him... it's within the first few weeks of us hanging out, & shortly after my divorce hearing.

Being unemployed, receiving a multitude of rejections and not having income or a job, is effecting me very negatively. It's been almost 3 months of this angst. I wanted comforting and soothing and Jay isn't even a boyfriend... not yet and not now.

It's also a bit unsettling that I am seeing a guy who could move away, and who could also decide to have sex while on his trip. My best gf thinks I subconsciously did a preemptive strike by sleeping with my ex.

I believe that yes, hypothetically speaking, IF we got back together the sex would be lacking again in time and I would be neglected all over again, in time. He won't change.

About Jay.... I still need to find out where he stands now on strip clubs and the subject of porn.... which will make or break this for me. And he could move, so everything is really up in the air.

I think it’s perfectly fine to go back to exes or sleep with them or dating them after divorce. There are no rules on what you can or can’t do.

The only concern is that you only sleep with or even hang out with ex when there are no other men available. When jay was hanging out with you more you were very into him like having butterflies etc you didn’t think of ex in that way, didn’t think of him as cuddle or soothing buddy. When jay pulled off a bit and taking it slow, now ex is needed for soothing and all of a sudden all this caring for ex.

It’s like you had to fill the space with a man. And if a man of your choice isn't there then ex will suffice. I think neither jay nor ex are good choices here at all. It’s better not to have any man right now. Imho. It only causes more stress. Or if you really want to find a man in a hurry, I’d focus on looking for better quality men.

Is being with your ex make you happy? If yes then maybe that’s the way to go.

Please understand the difficulty of my situation, divine. I am in a very awful position in my life. And I am terrified.

I get rejection after rejection for my job applications.... it's depressing as all hell. I am borrowing $2500 a month from my mother right now to survive. I am NOT in a good position.

IF I had a job and a great career path at this juncture, I likely would not have had sex with my ex. It happened - so it does happen with many couples who break up - not all break ups are linear or clean.

And yes, Jay has pulled back some, and there was my ex, willing and wanting to comfort me.

I also don't like not knowing if Jay will move to the Caribbean, whether we will continue seeing one another, or whether he will hook up with someone on his sailing trip.

Not everything is so black and white.. there are many gray areas in life.

And I am human - not superhuman. I have weaknesses, and I have weak moments. So be it. I can accept that.

So, I faltered and slept with my ex. So I also happened to meet someone new that I like, which was completely unplanned and unanticipated. I wasn't looking for a new man or a relationship - we met, we started talking at shows, formed a rapport and friendship first, and then started hanging out more.... it naturally occurred and naturally unfolded.

I was doing OK without a man for many months.... So, I am leaning into this a bit more because I am in a bad way.

Why do you think people judge you? Or being unsupportive on not compassionate?

Many of us, if not all have been in very very difficult situations, having troubles with paying bills, moving, looking for jobs, having no place to live, having trouble supporting our kids, dealing with awful relationships etc very few have cushy lives. No one is judging anyone.

People have been invested in your situations for years with all kind of support and suggestions and being there for you with personal and work troubles. I am not sure what exact compassionate support you seek that’s different from you’ve been already getting.

You’ve been in abusive marriage and in abusive relationships repeatedly. Do you want people to support that? To encourage it? Like it’s hard to say “awe your abusive ex cuddled you. How great. You need more of that abuser in your life.”

Do you just want hugs?

I’ve not seen a single judgmental or unsupportive comment. You don’t have to agree with advice given or it might not always 100% what you want to hear (how does anyone even know what you want to hear?), but you can’t say people aren’t supportive.

Every time you ask for suggestions in any aspects of your life, there is an outpouring of ideas. People are consistently there for you no matter what situation you are dealing with.

I am moving on...

Today I am going to focus on the course I am taking. I am going to delve into my studies and improve my skill set to get myself a job.

I’d like to respectfully point out this is a support forum for mental health issues. Although the Relationships forum isn’t necessarily just about mental health issues, it isn’t just an advice column.

This part of the thread is being closed for administrative review. The thread continues here: Dating After Divorce and Life Transitions (continued)