Friendship question

Mar 28, 2023 at 01:09 PM

Was it acceptable, when friend in emails decided to bring up some of her traumas from 2012, i emailed back to say that i don't remember most of 2012 so I can't help her deal with anything she remembers from that year?

My own memory, I explained to her, stops in March 2012 then doesn't start again until roughly late spring or early summer of 2013, I am not sure of the exact month it restarts

Was I okay to remind her that 2012 is the year that my brain force blocked pretty much a full year, due to all the traumas i was going through that year?

Late 2011 I only remember in a fuzzy kind of way, out of focus is what i mean

Then from the march 2012 through to 2013 its a black hole, the few memories i did get back i had to lock away again cause those memories messed me up a second time

Discombobulated · Mar 28, 2023 at 01:14 PM

I think it’s okay, good even, to state your truth as long as you do so with kindness and respect, that’s my perspective anyhow.

Mar 28, 2023 at 01:52 PM

By her response, I get the feeling she wants me to remember 2012 .........

divine1966 · Mar 28, 2023 at 03:36 PM

Why must you remember 2012? It’s not your obligation to remember any events whatsoever. If she needs help with trauma then she could seek mental health recessional help, not demand you remember this or that

Mar 29, 2023 at 01:14 AM

She reckons she wants to help me remember for my sake, i know from experience though that when i start talking about stuff that happened to me, she will start to say about her own traumas (not in a i know how you feel way, but in a reassure me about this and that and the other, type of way)

Thats why i havent said to her that Tiggers going into the vet next tuesday cause her back legs are not good, she will use that as a reason to start asking for reassurance again about her own stuff, happens every time .....

East17 · Mar 29, 2023 at 03:01 AM

There is nothing wrong with setting your own boundaries and keeping to them. You do not owe her any explanation.

I'm not saying that putting boundaries in place is easy, because it isn't, and somthing I struggle with myself.

It is hard sometimes to remain firm, particularly with those we are close to, or feel some obligation towards. Whilst you clearly have been there for your friend, there should not be any obligation to allow her to trample all over you with demands if they don't feel right to you.

Saying that she wants you to 'remember for your sake' seems a rather odd thing to say. I would not expect even a mental health professional to say something like this, let alone a lay-person. Pushing someone to remember a traumatic time without the approriate support in place can do more harm than good.

Take care @willowtigger

Discombobulated · Mar 29, 2023 at 06:23 AM

I agree, this sounds like a boundary issue Willowtigger, you can still be a good friend and gently but firmly set your boundaries- in fact this is probably actually good for the friendship.

ArmorPlate108 · Mar 29, 2023 at 08:58 AM

From what you posted, it sounds like you may recognize this as a pattern with her. And it's not something you like. Agree 100% with the others about setting boundaries for your sake, and let her worry about her. Boundaries can (and should) be very short and sweet, and then move on to a different topic.

Much easier said than done though, right?

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Discombobulated Grand Magnate Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 4,696 (SuperPoster!) 4 11.6k hugs given	Mar 28, 2023 at 01:14 PM #2 I think it’s okay, good even, to state your truth as long as you do so with kindness and respect, that’s my perspective anyhow.
	Reply With Quote

Anonymous32448 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 28, 2023 at 01:52 PM #3 By her response, I get the feeling she wants me to remember 2012 .........
	Reply With Quote

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,375 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Mar 28, 2023 at 03:36 PM #4 Why must you remember 2012? It’s not your obligation to remember any events whatsoever. If she needs help with trauma then she could seek mental health recessional help, not demand you remember this or that
	Reply With Quote

Discombobulated Grand Magnate Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 4,696 (SuperPoster!) 4 11.6k hugs given	Mar 29, 2023 at 06:23 AM #7 I agree, this sounds like a boundary issue Willowtigger, you can still be a good friend and gently but firmly set your boundaries- in fact this is probably actually good for the friendship.
	Reply With Quote

ArmorPlate108 Member Member Since Mar 2022 Location: In the west Posts: 396 2 981 hugs given	Mar 29, 2023 at 08:58 AM #8 From what you posted, it sounds like you may recognize this as a pattern with her. And it's not something you like. Agree 100% with the others about setting boundaries for your sake, and let her worry about her. Boundaries can (and should) be very short and sweet, and then move on to a different topic. Much easier said than done though, right?
	Reply With Quote