[Daffs]

Hi all,
I'm having a really hard time at the moment with the relationship between my sister and I. This spans 5 decades but it really kicked off in December when I refused to help her buy a flat next door to me (she was asking for information, not money) as I said it was too close. She blocked me but finally responded to a message I sent in Feb (No response to a Christmas message). I suggested we see a therapist together to work this through and we've now had 3 sessions (virtually) After the last session she sent me a WhatsApp saying (amongst other things)

"I think one of the things that I need you to hear is that you pushing me away, has caused me decades of pain. I further felt the loss of our potential relationship because I craved a safe and loving family.
From my perspective, the wall is why I pulled away late last year. From my side ( not equal I know) our relationship was very strong but it broke finally. I grew too weak at the face of the wall. I’m still in pain."

Now, in the sessions I acknowledged to myself and my sister, that I have been pushing her away so I'm owning that. I needed the therapists help to do that and I've been feeling very sad about it. The reasons why I push her away though are because she doesn't listen to me, wants me to be somthing other than I am, has manipulated me into doing things I don't want to do and generally vents all her ***** in my direction. She is far more emotional than I and the therapist has used the term "Unbridled Self Expression" with her. Personally I think the wall I put up is for my own self protection,

But I do want to respond to this message in a productive but authentic way. Do I write her an email and basically said above? Or how do I respond to this? Any thoughts welcome!?

[Yaowen]

Hmm. Do you think the message will get through to her the way you want it to? Do you think she might take it the wrong way? Since I am not in yours shoes, I have no way of answering these questions. You know your sister well and how she is. What is a realistic appraisal of what the outcome of your communication will likely be? Maybe it would be good to ask your therapist about this. I don't know.

[unaluna]

Can you respond that you would like to discuss this in therapy?

Why is she bringing it up outside of therapy? Does she feel the therapist is siding with you, so she doesnt get to bully you in session, so now she tries to bully you outside of session? "Oh im in pain." Then eat some chocolate! You cannot fix her existential pain.

[Que Sera Sera]

well ... to me yes family is family and all that but we are all still people with feelings that get hurt, and have our own things we get upset about, and things people do and say & behavior we dont tolerate in others ...
my 1/2 sister crossed a line with me that i do not in any way shape or for condone people doing to others let alone a family member & that ended it for me & ive severed all ties with with her and burnt that bridge to the ground.
i dont owe her any explanation why, dont care to discuss it with her, dont want a better late then never flippant after the fact apology . she did what she did because thats her type of character. & i dont care who a person who doesnt think twice about doing stuff like that is be it a stranger off the street, neighbor, co worker or my own 1/2 sister .. i dont need or want them in my life period. end of story.

we hadnt seen each other since our dad passed in 2008. we live across the county from each other but in 2019 my hubby passed away & several months after he passed i called i told her that in 5 (five months) from then then i was going to be within 10 miles of her house for 5 days ( five full days) taking care of other business & told her id like to see her while id be there. 5 months notice & 5 full days of time to see her & she told me she was going to be too busy then & didnt have time for us to get together. 5 months notice id be there & 5 full days for us to get together in & she wasnt able to so much as squeeze meeting the 1/2 sis she hasnt seen in 11 years whos husband of 40 years just died in to meet someplace & drink a cup of coffee with, sorry i got a whole lot more other things to do then to ever again waste my time trying to attempt to darken her doorstep again..
so thats my 2 cents say about it for whatever it might be of help to in you & your sisters situation.

[Daffs]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Hmm. Do you think the message will get through to her the way you want it to? Do you think she might take it the wrong way? Since I am not in yours shoes, I have no way of answering these questions. You know your sister well and how she is. What is a realistic appraisal of what the outcome of your communication will likely be? Maybe it would be good to ask your therapist about this. I don't know.

Thanks for your reply. I was anxious when I wrote this and felt that I had to reply quickly and am somewhat calmer now. I've sent her a short, loving holding message for now and have said I'll get back to her soon. Whatever I put she may well take it the wrong way! Good call and talking to the therapist about it:-) Many thanks:-)

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Can you respond that you would like to discuss this in therapy?

Why is she bringing it up outside of therapy? Does she feel the therapist is siding with you, so she doesnt get to bully you in session, so now she tries to bully you outside of session? "Oh im in pain." Then eat some chocolate! You cannot fix her existential pain.

I agree. I think she intentionally broke the (probably implicit) contract about how the two of you will handle issues in therapy. Even though the therapy is virtual, it is still family therapy and there are things that for now should only be handled inside the therapist's virtual office.

[Daffs]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Can you respond that you would like to discuss this in therapy?

Why is she bringing it up outside of therapy? Does she feel the therapist is siding with you, so she doesnt get to bully you in session, so now she tries to bully you outside of session? "Oh im in pain." Then eat some chocolate! You cannot fix her existential pain.

Hi, thanks for replying. This is interesting because yes, actually the therapist is siding with me! He has already said that he doesn't think the issues here are 50:50 and that is based on his personal experience within the sessions. I'm going bring up the fact that she dumped all this on y outside of a therapy sessions, which is what they are for. Thanks.