What causes people to become targets for bullying & sexual assault?

And please give me a break. Not everything is my fault. I’m more stressed than ever now. We might loose our house soon and have to move to a cheap dumpy area.

I wasn’t trying to be rude or abrupt or anything like that btw. I’m just straightforward. Maybe I just come across thw wrong way, idk. Sorry if I offended anyone. I wasn’t trying to say I’m right or argue either.

It’s a case of observing behaviours with acquaintances and not committing yourself to friendships until you feel comfortable with them. For example if I observe that someone talks or gossips negatively about others I take this as a warning that I will likely be next to be gossiped about. I had to learn that one the hard way.

You say normal people don’t want to connect or they keep their distance. It’s possible they just aren’t available for friendship, not everyone is open to developing new friendships especially if they have very busy lives, this seems like more of an issue as we age and get more commitments. I can’t say this is the case but it may be a possibility.

I know you dismissed my suggestion to volunteer but it is in my experience a good way to keep social and develop social skills. I’m off this afternoon to help a volunteer acquaintance with a new group, tbh I don’t really want to go, I’m just doing it to help him (there’s a shortage of volunteers everywhere I think!) but it won’t hurt me at worst and at best I might get chatting to some interesting people. Sometimes I need to push myself to do these things but often it does have a social benefit. I know it’s hard when you’re socially anxious but believe me it’s like any muscle, if you keep exercising it then it will gradually get easier.

Lastly I kind of do understand what other posters mean when they say you’re dismissive of suggestions. I’ve given you my best replies and yes sometimes you did thank my posts but you don’t seem like you’re receptive to what I’m saying, likewise other posters.

I have kept replying because you sound like you’re in a stuck place and that’s a horrible situation to be in, I hope that some of what we’ve written will be helpful in some way. You write a lot about fault and I think you were maybe raised in a blaming environment, but reality is that it’s rarely any one person’s total fault but there are things we all say and do which contribute to our situation, as well as others input. It’s figuring out how to unpick and move forward.

Best wishes.

Good post

Thanks. I’ll keep the volunteer suggestion in mind. I did not intend to come across as dismissive. I have had a lot if bad luck with people obviously.

I’ll try to take more time getting to know people to lower my expectations more but not my standards.

I did the right thing in cutting off the selfish toxic people who only wanted to use me as a free therapist or for other things in the past.

I’m not exaggerating in the least when I said that those women never bothered to ask me one single thing about me. And I did meet all but one lady more than once. So obviously I gave them all the benefit of the doubt

I don’t appreciate being accused of being abrupt or lashing out for stating an honest opinion.

I’m allowed to disagree with other people. If someone doesn’t like something I say, fine, but don’t accuse me of lashing out or being abrupt or anything like that.

Just say let’s agree to disagree or I feel like you’re being XY or Z respectfully instead of attacking me.

This is a support message board after all & I’m a very sensitive person with obvious problems on top of that. I wish that people would keep that in mind. And not everything is my fault too.

Maybe I should completely give up on everyone 100% as I never have any luck with people it seems like. I’ll probably end up doing that very soon if nothing changes in the next year.

Also, very few people ever wanted to be friends with me growing up. Some did in school, but those friendships never lasted long or the friendships never became close ones. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it was because I was to shy & quiet or boring for most people? Idk.

Maybe it’s that way not too? I’m not as shy & quiet now, but I’m still shy & introverted. I have a very difficult time connecting with other people. I try to connect, but it’s almost impossible for me to meet anyone who actually seems to genuinely like & care about me who I feel the same way about.

I will never forget this - a boy in high school once told me that my saying, "Got you there!" was NOT the way to make friends. I was shocked. I was acting the way my older brother acted towards me, always trying to catch me out if i misspoke, always trying to one-up me, always a smart or sarcastic comeback. I thought people would admire me for being quick-witted and want to be my friend. You seem to be in a similar situation.

We are trying to tell you that, for some reason, you take our suggestions and call them wrong, every dam time. Maybe thats how your family or your husband treats you. You said he blames you for everything. It feels like you do the same thing to our comments.

It takes some bravery to post when you see this coming. Thats what therapy is about.

I said, "LIKE you were drunk." I did not accuse you of being drunk. Some of your posts about the Lyft incident had so many misspelled words that i could not figure out what you were trying to say. I thought maybe you were drunk then too, but i didnt say anything. If you dont care to post clear thoughts, why should i beg?

And i felt you were being evasive about what happened. Friends dont want to hear lies, they want to share truths.

Your truth seems to be that you are anxious and sensitive. Hello?! This is a mental health forum! Who the heck ISNT anxious and sensitive here? You are probably not going to get special treatment for that. You are going to get the kindest treatment we people in recovery can give you, with help from the moderators.

I wasn’t being sarcastic. I was being honest. I never told anyone that they were wrong exactly. I was merely stating my opinions. I may have been uncertain about some things, but I never told anyone that they were wrong exactly. I never ever once used the words you’re wrong.

There are some obvious misunderstandings going on. Sorry for the typos. I dont spell that well on a phone.

I thought I answered everyones questions. I went into a lot of detail I thought. I wasn’t drunk btw on the thread or during the ride.

And I wasn’t lying.

When I said that sometimes honesty is needed and sometimes it’s not needed, your response was “so should I lie about everything?”. But I never said anything like that. I never said you should never be honest. So you either don’t read everything or don’t understand or want to argue regardless what about.

So I think if that’s how you interact irl, it might explain difficulty with making friends. Like sarcastic or brash come backs or appearing not understanding what people say. It would push people away quick

I am not saying it to upset you but rather as a feedback what you could do to have better experience with people

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I wasn’t being sarcastic at all. I’m just honest. Maybe I came across as sounding sarcastic

I honestly don’t understand a lot of things obviously. That’s why I’m always asking a lot of questions obviously. As for making friends, I think it’s a combination of a lot of things like not being the right fit, me maybe being to introverted, me maybe being to shy or not confident enough, not being on their level intellectually or as successful as them, etc.

I wasn’t sarcastic with the people I met. I listened to them & asked questions & intiated contact.

I listened to them talk about themselves more than I should’ve at times tbh.

I tend to attract very selfish self absorbed people for some reason most of the time. Honestly, I think that most people are way to picky, judgmental, want friends who are like them & are intolerant of differences it seems like .

I’ve had so called former friends who accused me of being a drug addict for using prescription medication for my anxiety & depression. I found that out after our friendship ended. I’m so sick of being judged.

Also, here are a few examples of what the women were like who I met. There is a definite pattern here.

They were mostly selfish people

1) This lady had health issues & could only eat certain foods. I went for a walk with her a few times. She literally talked nonstop about her health issues & only asked me once about me. She said oh, I was talking about myself so much, so, tell me about yourself. So I did then after 30 seconds she started to talk about herself again.

I had enough & stopped talking to her.

The other few women I went on a walk with were similar to her as well. And I had to work around their schedule on top of that too.

A few other women continually flaked on me, so I gave up on them. I even gave one lady 3 chances!

I intiated contact twice with two women. They never once initiated plans ever, so I took that as a sign of disinterest of course.

Can you see why I’m so frustrated & feel like giving up? I asked questions & I wasn’t sarcastic. This is very frustrating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka I wasn’t being sarcastic. I was being honest. I never told anyone that they were wrong exactly. I was merely stating my opinions. I may have been uncertain about some things, but I never told anyone that they were wrong exactly. I never ever once used the words you’re wrong. There are some obvious misunderstandings going on. Sorry for the typos. I dont spell that well on a phone. I thought I answered everyones questions. I went into a lot of detail I thought. I wasn’t drunk btw on the thread or during the ride. And I wasn’t lying.

How "not exactly" did you tell them they were wrong? That usually (not always) means the use of passive aggressive talk & no one wants to be friends with a person like that.

It sounds like YOU have a way of communicating with people that causes them to strike back at you & maybe that is what you are consider to be bullying because you don't see their side of the situation.....also no one wants to be a friend with someone who behaves like that toward them. You are only seeing it from your point of view.

I know we are just online, but everyone here is trying to be your friend. It feels to me like we give you a lot of time and attention and energy, but what do we get back?

What do you mean by your first statement exactly? How do I communicate things in a way that upsets people? I just say what I think. I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re saying. I’m not passive aggressive. I do try to listen to people & I do try to see their side of a situation. I obviously don’t always understand things, but I try to. That’s why I ask questions.

I do appreciate that. What do you expect of me? I only give out advice when I feel like I can offer it which isn’t often.

I can barely help myself , so how can I possibly help anyone else? Sorry. I wish that I could help more, but I can’t.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka What do you mean by your first statement exactly? How do I communicate things in a way that upsets people? I just say what I think. I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re saying. I’m not passive aggressive. I do try to listen to people & I do try to see their side of a situation. I obviously don’t always understand things, but I try to. That’s why I ask questions.

You are the one that used the term "exactly". I am just asking you if you didn't "exactly" tell them they were wrong then how did you tell them they were wrong? If you "didn't exactly" tell them they were wrong then you did tell them they were wrong some other way.

When I voice my opinion that IS NOT telling someone they are wrong (not even "not exactly") unless I insinuate with my attitude that my opinion is the only thing right in the conversation. People don't stay friends long when someone is like that

Most people want friends like them. Similar life styles, interests, hobbies, worldviews etc It’s nearly impossible to make friends with people who are vastly different. You could be acquittances but not friends.

It doesn’t make people intolerant or self absorbed. It’s just how friendships work. All my friends are very similar to me. I could hang out with people who are very different and I can tolerate them but they aren’t going to become my friends.

And that’s maybe where the problem lies. Again there are times to communicate what you think and there are times when you shouldn’t. Always saying what you think turns people off.

To quote Frasier Crane “it’s acceptable to have unexpressed thoughts”. Unexpressed thoughts help people to be socially civil. As civilized people we need to be able to hold every thought we have.

And I am a blunt person so I recognize it’s not always easy. But if you insist on always saying what you think and always be honest, and the result is having troublesome relationships with people then you have choices to make.

There is lots of social stuff happening on here, about pets, tv shows, school, exercise, food, and just support in general. There are very few people who are standouts at being good at stuff - most of us are just muddling thru and appreciate a warm comment from someone with a shared interest.

I don’t think una meant you need to give anyone advice or help people. She meant creating friendships on here. Give and take. You can start with friendships on here

When you ask for help and people give many many suggestions taking their time to do so, but you always respond harshly and with the argument, we don’t feel we get the same effort back as we give you. If that’s what happens in real life, then it explains trouble with friendships. And even on here eventually people will stop responding.

Agree. Lots of social interactions that very much resemble real life friendships in many ways.