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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,258
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#1
I’m not sure where the line is for sharing and over sharing.
When we are getting to know new friends, we feel each other out about what works. For example, if they use foul language, then you know that it is okay for you to do the same. Or maybe you are offended by that and don’t want to be their friend because they do. The time I’m thinking of for myself was when I was going through a trauma, something that was happening in my family. I went to lunch with a woman who was trying to be my friend. Our kids went to school together. I let out to her the whole crazy story. It came out of me like blaaaaahhhhh. No, she never called me again and I’m not surprised. I regret doing that but I was just so in panic mode, I couldn’t help it. I shouldn’t have done that. She was supportive in the moment, but I’m sure she was mortified. I’ve already told very personal things to my new friend and she has also told me the same about herself. I am too much of an open book. I know this isn’t really right of me and it’s probably going to backfire on me somehow. I am trying to be better. She reacted happy to hear it and share about herself as well. So idk what oversharing really is. I mean, I want to be myself. You shouldn’t have to hold back and censor yourself. Maybe someone else can give pointers about what is proper to share and what shouldn’t be. Don’t give up on people. They are far from ideal, but it’s nice to spend time with others. There was nothing wrong with what Bill said. I just thought the part where he said “I would really like that” felt a bit needy. I feel coming across as needy is really off-putting to people, and would avoid it. You want to seem secure, reliable, open… traits like that. You don’t have to let others use you as a therapist. When they start going on for too long about their woes, you can change the subject to something more positive. If someone keeps flaking on you, yes, you should take it as a hint they don’t want to see you. Yes, it is rude for them to encourage you and then let you down. Sometimes it’s hard for people to be honest. It’s easier to lie and then disappoint. It won’t do you any good to tell her off. If you just leave her be, maybe she will reach out to you in the future. Why burn a bridge? __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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lovethesun
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,461
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#2
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,390
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#3
I'm not sure where the line is vs sharing and over sharing either.
Most people who have complained about me have said I under share. But I guess there are probably some who have complained about me and/or rejected me who claimed I over shared. When getting to know someone new it can be hard to know how much to share. And even having known someone for years, or having thought we knew them.....it can suddenly go wrong. Especially if that someone happens to be an abuser I find many people VERY confusing. And there are many selfish people in this world. Too ****ing bad my parental units told me over and over again how ''selfish'' I was. NO. Just NO. I'm sure I'm not the first person who has told you there ARE good people in this world. I have found some. And I think you will find some too. If you continue working on YOU. Have you checked out the Self Esteem forum here yet? I think someone mentioned this in another post. I posted there today, a few replies. And I can relate to being targeted by insecure bullies who try to mess with people. I think it was me who said they are insecure. The bullies who targeted me at primary school were all quite ugly girls. I hadn't really thought of that before. My mother said they were ''jealous'' too. That was not helpful. I even told another girl that. Maybe the bullies are jealous. (I was only 8) Big mistake. She was another bully and said something else horrible. They did other vile stuff to me too In years of therapy, I didn't mention that. And he didn't listen. He was another ''bully''.... and that is putting it politely. __________________ |
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Discombobulated
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,390
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#4
I can't give pointers about what is proper to share and what isn't. I think we're all works in progress.
I think it's really hard if you're going through trauma to reign it all in and not tell anyone. After all, that's what some of us had to do when we were little. It's good that you want to be yourself. I do too, I want to be me. Quote:
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Bill3
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,310
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#5
Thanks everyone, but I’m so upset now that I started crying & I haven’t cried about much in a long time. Honestly, I’m done with with being lied to, used, abused, manipulated, & taken for granted, etc.
It’s beyond ridiculous! Sure, I’ve made obvious mistakes but it’s not like I always overshare. Like I said, it’s often other people who dump their problems & drama onto me & not even care about how I’m doing at all. So rude! I’ve had it with everyone! Eff everyone from now on! I will actually tell people to their face next time to talk to a therapist & that they are being rude & selfish for not even asking me anything about myself, lol 😆 With some people I’ll just ignore them & not even bother asking them questions & rudely change the subject, lol 😆 They deserve to know what jerks they are! I’m officially done with trying anymore! I give up! |
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Bill3, Discombobulated, Fuzzybear
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,390
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#6
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Sometimes someone needs to be told off, sure... What about the people here who have been trying to help you? I don't see anyone using you as a free therapist here? Some people have put in a lot of effort trying to support you. (some threads don't receive many replies here.....) Why do you think there are only jerks in ''real'' life? I hope your luck changes. You've had a lot of people posting saying they are rooting for you! __________________ |
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Bill3
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Bill3, Discombobulated
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,310
3 270 hugs
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#7
Quote:
life. I do realize that a lot of people on here are trying to help me & I appreciate that even though it doesn’t seem like I do sometimes. Anyways, that flaky lady finally got back to me. I daw her yesterday. She is going through a lot & she just got her account drained by some scammer. I feel bad for her. |
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,737
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#8
@jesyka how are you doing today?
I really understand about the whole under/over sharing confusion. My gut feeling is every friendship is different. There’s no hard and fast rules. I’m so sorry it’s feeling so hard right now, what comes across to me in your posts is how hard you’ve been trying and thinking about your actions. It’s okay to take a break (from developing friendships or posting here) but I hope you’re practicing good self care and nurturing yourself. Sometimes retreating a while can give us the space we need to move forward. We’re here for you if you need us. |
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Bill3
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,310
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#9
Quote:
So she got scammed & had her account drained. They took less than $950 at a time so nothing will be done about it. It happened 3 or 4 times & her bank didn’t say anything at all. Weird. I feel bad for her. This time I didn’t talk about myself except for telling her that we had a similar situation happen to us & that she’d get her money back like we did probably. I asked about her work with tigers which was interesting. I listened to her story. I’ll Listen more from now on. And talk less about personal issues that should stay that way for awhile. |
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Bill3, Discombobulated, TishaBuv
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Bill3
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
Posts: 1,310
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#10
The other lady I was talking to us sick. She texted me last night.
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#11
Hey @jesyka I'm glad to read that you heard back from both of those women. I tend to be on the cynical side when it comes to people, so I'm glad that I was wrong about their intentions towards you regarding friendship.
There is nothing wrong with over-sharing. We over-share when we feel vulnerable and need social support. Everyone, and I mean everyone overshares. No one is exempt from that act. It's human nature. I hope things workout for you with these two women. |
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Discombobulated, Fuzzybear
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TishaBuv
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 4,737
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#12
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Fuzzybear
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,390
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21 81.4k hugs
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#13
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