Letting Go

It's such a mistake, isn't it? I regret my decisions, but I cannot undo them. I can only learn to not do the same thing again.

That is the only thing we can do.

It really is. It's taken me a long time to come to this point. I repeated the same mistakes for years. It's probably why abusive men kept showing up in my life. I failed to learn the lesson, so the lesson repeated itself in different men.

Not this time. This time it's going to be far better and very different. I am on the lookout for red flags. I want to go slowly and take my time. I want to get to know someone's character before I commit to being someone's "girlfriend". And sleeping with someone for me does not equate to meaning we are suddenly boyfriend and girlfriend.

I am casually seeing someone now and I want to get to know him better. So far so good, but I am still wary and cautious.

My ex husband showed up uninvited and unannounced in my driveway last night as I was pulling out in my car to leave. OMG! I haven't communicated with him at all since July and I haven't physically seen him in person in 6 months. So, he decides to just drop in, after I had made it perfectly clear months ago that he should not come by my house uninvited?????

He talked at me for five mins. I tried to tell him I don't want to talk to him about us or really about anything at all. So then he tells me he is getting a cancer screening next month and that he's having some issues. He tells me in his typical melodramatic way that if he dies, he will watch over me. Oh Lordy. He ALWAYS thinks he's going to die! He's SO melodramatic.

I was in shock that he showed up out of the blue like that. He must have been watching me and approached when he saw me leave my house to get in my car. CREEPY! I didn't know what to say except to tell him to get lost. I was angry. I recorded a portion of what he was telling me. Same ole story. He misses me, he's devastated, he knows I'm happy without him and he hopes I live the best life. Then why tell me all this if it's all already been stated? He has said this in his emails several times. Repetitive stuff.

Ugh, I am going to be sick... this week has been brutal for me. I had to say goodbye to my cousin who is in hospice, then I broke up with the guy I've been seeing, and now this?!?? I cannot handle this week right now. and I have to gather all my strength to get myself to work and to actually work the whole day. OMG.

I contacted the police to see what can be done - I wanted to file a report on my ex husband for trespassing. Nothing could be done. I would have to go to court to get a restraining order. And I know what that involves because I've had to get one before. It involves several court dates and several hours away from work. I cannot do that right now since I do not get paid for any time out of the office, and I need all of my earnings right now. A restraining order is not possible, unless they hire me on full time.

So instead, I wrote him an email and spelled it out on no uncertain terms that 1) I do not wish to see or speak with him 2) do NOT show up at my apartment uninvited.

And... he responded. I did not anticipate a reply from him after that.

He said he has seen psychics about me/us. One told him that I still have feelings for him deep down and that we are "twin flames", which is the highest form of soulmates that can exist. Someone told him that there was a hex on our relationship (hahahahahahaha - I had to laugh at that one!) and that there was third party influence over my decision to divorce.

He tells me he is having prostrate issues and was out of work for weeks with pneumonia. The health issues with him continue. He's always had pretty bad health issues. He says he is alone, scared, and brokenhearted.

I cannot deal with this. I am in NO mood to deal with this.

I am not responding.

If he shows up again, tell him you have seen psychics who told you to stay away from him

LOL! Too freaking funny!!!!

My ex had written that he is fighting for his life. Oh please. He is SO melodramatic. He had pneumonia for several weeks and is getting tested for prostate cancer. He is NOT fighting for his life! He has experienced s symptoms, but he does not have a doctor's prognosis or even test results yet. What a crock. I know he is trying to reel me in, to get me to feel sympathy for him, and to communicate with him again. SO manipulative.

I am not going to feed into this. IF I express ANY concern or sympathy, it will only encourage him to communicate with me again. NO. I cannot extend any sympathy.

I was trying on dresses for my upcoming work event/work dinner which is a dress-up occasion. I found a dress that I haven't worn since the beginning of my relationship with my ex husband. I was thin at the time, when I had worn this dress to his brother's barmitzfah. So, in trying the dress on again for the first time in years, and after having lost 20 pounds recently, the dress fits me again. And a bad memory popped up while doing so. When I had worn this dress to the barmitzfah years ago I met my ex's mother for the first time. After that occasion, I started to add on weight. The next time I saw his mother, several months later, she commented to me "I liked you better thinner".

What a horrible thing for her to have said. Little does she know that I've struggled with body image issues and an eating disorder. No, she did not know this, yet still, it was the most insulting and hurtful comment to me.

Horrible people, my ex's entire family. His mother made rude comments to me like this frequently. His father was sexist and a misogynist, not to mention, abusive. His one living brother is also explosive and angry, just like my ex. Horrible people. What a horrible family.

I hope I never have to see my ex again.

I hope so too. It's great you won't have those toxic people in your life.

They were all so very toxic. I am so glad I am no longer dealing with them or those relationships.

His mother had a mean streak in her. I did not appreciate many of her nasty comments to me.

Once she had said "why are you so mean to my son?" !!!!!!!!

ME??????? I was mean to him??????

How about the fact that HE abused ME for YEARS, cut me down constantly with criticisms and harmful/hurtful comments and so-called "jokes"?????

How about the fact that her so-called PERFECT, SWEET and MOST LOVING son screamed at me for the first two years of our marriage????????

How about the fact that he cheated on me, lied to me constantly, and did sneaky things behind my back????????

How about ALL THAT?????

I wish I could have said all this to her in the moment. All I could muster was "I am not mean to him".

There's really no response to something like that other than what you gave, or maybe "You have just heard one side of the story." You know I once worked at the equivalent of the DMV here in Canada and I had tons of calls from Moms arguing over their sons' speeding tickets and things - saying ridiculous things like that the police targeted their darlings, and I'd be like "Oh, were you in the car at the time?" They never were of course. And they never called about their daughters, only the sons - their darling boys could do NO wrong. I just had to say to one of my co-workers that I'd had a "Mom call" and they would roll their eyes. That's how common it was.

OMG - mama's boys!!!!

My ex was most certainly a mama's boy. He could do not wrong and was perfect in her mind. No wonder he turned out to be a narcissist!

Congratulations on fitting into that dress from years ago! I hope you have a good time at your work's dressy event.

Thank you! I did have fun!!! Then the next day, I learned I had been exposed to covid so I had to miss our company-wide conference. Ugh.

I ran into my ex husband AND the guy I just recently dated at the same outdoor show yesterday - Oy!!!!

I stayed and danced in the front near the band and my 2 ex's hung out in the back, so we didn't have to actually see each other. I did eventually wave to the guy I recently dated, who was there with another woman - he's moved on relatively fast. My ex husband was there by himself and met up with 2 friends of his.

I was able to ignore all this for the most part and was able to still have a great time. Luckily, I was with several friends who looked out for me and took care of me. One female friend made sure I didn't have to wait in the beer line by myself each time I went to get a drink. That was so awesome of her.

So, I had a good time, but once again, it's weird to run into my ex and to ignore each other now, as though the other doesn't even exist. It's weird, after spending nearly 5 years with someone.

Good for you! As I told you before, I have never had to deal with the situation of running into an ex from a long-term relationship. I think it would be so difficult. And that was awesome of your friend for making sure you weren't alone.

@Samicat thank you! This gf was pretty amazing for me that day. She and I are going to the Nutcracker together this year, hopefully, and if we can find cheap enough tix!

It's getting a little easier to deal with seeing him out in my social scene, as long as he continues to keep his distance, not approach me, and not email me.

I plan to go see the Nutcracker, too.

Awesome! You're in California? I saw the San Francisco ballet co perform the Nutrcracker when I lived in Oakland. It was good, though I sat too far up in the balcony to see well. We have decent tickets this year. I'm excited!!!