Letting Go

They were all so very toxic. I am so glad I am no longer dealing with them or those relationships.

His mother had a mean streak in her. I did not appreciate many of her nasty comments to me.

Once she had said "why are you so mean to my son?" !!!!!!!!

ME??????? I was mean to him??????

How about the fact that HE abused ME for YEARS, cut me down constantly with criticisms and harmful/hurtful comments and so-called "jokes"?????

How about the fact that her so-called PERFECT, SWEET and MOST LOVING son screamed at me for the first two years of our marriage????????

How about the fact that he cheated on me, lied to me constantly, and did sneaky things behind my back????????

How about ALL THAT?????

I wish I could have said all this to her in the moment. All I could muster was "I am not mean to him".

There's really no response to something like that other than what you gave, or maybe "You have just heard one side of the story." You know I once worked at the equivalent of the DMV here in Canada and I had tons of calls from Moms arguing over their sons' speeding tickets and things - saying ridiculous things like that the police targeted their darlings, and I'd be like "Oh, were you in the car at the time?" They never were of course. And they never called about their daughters, only the sons - their darling boys could do NO wrong. I just had to say to one of my co-workers that I'd had a "Mom call" and they would roll their eyes. That's how common it was.

OMG - mama's boys!!!!

My ex was most certainly a mama's boy. He could do not wrong and was perfect in her mind. No wonder he turned out to be a narcissist!

Congratulations on fitting into that dress from years ago! I hope you have a good time at your work's dressy event.

Thank you! I did have fun!!! Then the next day, I learned I had been exposed to covid so I had to miss our company-wide conference. Ugh.

I ran into my ex husband AND the guy I just recently dated at the same outdoor show yesterday - Oy!!!!

I stayed and danced in the front near the band and my 2 ex's hung out in the back, so we didn't have to actually see each other. I did eventually wave to the guy I recently dated, who was there with another woman - he's moved on relatively fast. My ex husband was there by himself and met up with 2 friends of his.

I was able to ignore all this for the most part and was able to still have a great time. Luckily, I was with several friends who looked out for me and took care of me. One female friend made sure I didn't have to wait in the beer line by myself each time I went to get a drink. That was so awesome of her.

So, I had a good time, but once again, it's weird to run into my ex and to ignore each other now, as though the other doesn't even exist. It's weird, after spending nearly 5 years with someone.

Good for you! As I told you before, I have never had to deal with the situation of running into an ex from a long-term relationship. I think it would be so difficult. And that was awesome of your friend for making sure you weren't alone.

@Samicat thank you! This gf was pretty amazing for me that day. She and I are going to the Nutcracker together this year, hopefully, and if we can find cheap enough tix!

It's getting a little easier to deal with seeing him out in my social scene, as long as he continues to keep his distance, not approach me, and not email me.

I plan to go see the Nutcracker, too.

Awesome! You're in California? I saw the San Francisco ballet co perform the Nutrcracker when I lived in Oakland. It was good, though I sat too far up in the balcony to see well. We have decent tickets this year. I'm excited!!!

Yes, I am between San Fransisco and San Jose. I love visiting Oakland! Does not happen often, though.

OMG, I LOVE that area!!!! I love love love northern Cali. I lived in Salinas for 3 months in 2013, and in Oakland for 8 months in 2013-2014. It was amazing!!!!! The ocean, Big Sur, the vineyards, the redwoods... the landscape is so dramatic out there and gorgeous!!!! Not to mention San Francisco city itself, which is my favorite city in the whole country!!!!

I lived in Salinas, too! From 2000 to 2003. Really liked the city.

OMG! That's awesome!!

I'm feeling very sad this morning. I am feeling the sadness of not having a partner who truly loves me, appreciates me, honors me, and respects me.

I have not had a healthy, stable, long-term fulfilling relationship in my entire life. Not ever. I've had lots of short-term relationships. I've had some healthy ones, but it's been a long time. The most recent relationships have been incredibly toxic.

I am not going to settle - not ever again. But I want to fall in love. I want the real thing. The real deal and long-term. I want a lifelong partner. I am fine and happy being single right now, but ultimately at some point, I'd like to find 'the one".

I am 53 years old. I look like I'm 45, I am told. So that weighs in my favor slightly. I refuse to do online dating. I hate online dating. Every time I've tried it, I've met dysfunctional men. NO THANK YOU. I think in today's world, it's incredibly hard to find a stable, emotionally healthy man, let alone someone around my age.

I know I need to branch out from my social scene. I know I need to join some groups, perhaps an outdoor activities group, so that I can meet different types of men.

But I want a guy who loves the same music as I do. This is very important to me. Music is central to my life and is one of my greatest passions. I want a guy who will go to live shows with me, all the ones I love. We need to have this in common. I know of couples who don't share that, and I always think, I don't want that. I want to share this passion with my partner.

My ex husband and I did share music as a passion. UGH. I met my ex through the local music scene.

But every man I've become involved with from my music scene is dysfunctional in some way. The first guy was a gypsy and very non-commmital. The second guy had too much toxic drama surrounding him and was involved in a heavy drug scene. All his friends seemed like burnouts. No thank you. The third guy I believe is a narcissist and exhibits negative behaviors reminding me of my ex. 3 guys I've dated and I am done.

I've been waiting until I had a stable steady job to join social groups. Now I do have a stable job. But I am wary. What if men in those groups are no better? I am a bit jaded from my experiences with men lately.

I think I will wait before joining groups - maybe in the new year. New year, turn a new leaf? Try new and different activities? The new year is a perfect time to make some necessary changes.

UGH. In the meantime, I am saddened and disheartened.

Try to find joy in good things: you look like you are 45 and you finally have a stable job. Hopefully other good things are about to come.

Thank you. I am definitely happy about those things.

You deserve to find a loving, supportive partner but I've realized this is a HUGE task especially when people are over 30 or 40. I'm not sure I would ever look for another partner if anything happened to my husband. I'm just too jaded from hearing stories of charming yet selfish individuals who expect to take more than they give in a relationship. I wonder if there are non-Internet dating agencies that do background checks to verify someone's career, education, and criminal record check and so on. Too many liars, gold diggers and cheaters out there.


Personally I would try not to exclude a man just because he's not part of your music scene - some men may be open to new experiences. I always thought I would NEVER date a man who wasn't a big fiction reader because that is so important to me, but then I met my husband who literally can't read much due to his disability but likes other forms of fiction like TV series. Now he has gotten into audio books. Shared values may be more important than shared interests.


I remember when I started dating my husband I did a "pop psychology" test where I asked him his favourite animal and 3 things he liked about them. He said dogs because they are so loyal. People tend to project the traits they value in themselves. I soon realize he himself is very loyal and would never cheat on me. After the former guy I dated, this was so refreshing.

Thanks.

That's a great test question you posed to your husband. How clever.

I want to feel hopeful and like it's possible to find someone at my age, but I refuse to do online dating. I know I probably should not exclude it, but I've not had good experiences in recent years.

It's really hard for me to imagine dating someone who doesn't like the same music. Music is SO much a part of my life.

I probably will join an outdoor group in January. I also have to quit smoking. If I want a healthy partner, I have to get healthy myself. And I want a healthy partner.

I don't know. I am discouraged.

It's also the holiday season now. And I wish I had a partner to snuggle with and to keep me warm in the winter months.

My ex husband used to frequently fight with me on holidays.

One year, he instigated a fight then refused to join me and my family for Thanksgiving dinner, so I had to go alone! Then I had to bring him home a plate of food, on top of it! I was SO hurt that he didn't come. It ruined Thanksgiving that year.

Then another time on Christmas day, he fought with me and almost ruined Christmas for me! Unbelievable. Same thing with New Years Eve - he instigated yet another fight.

At least I don't have to deal with THAT crap anymore. I am thankful for that.

This is a big deal that you no longer have that millstone around your neck. I think there are lots of nice treats that one can give oneself around the holidays, like
- putting up lights and decorations

- taking hot bubble bath and putting on a plushy robe afterwards
- fleece throws and blankets

- buying a portable heater - so soothing - I have one blowing at me right now and both my cats have joined me on the sofa to enjoy the warmth. - Making hot chocolate with mint or cinnamon, and a splash of Bailey's if desired. Even coffee or tea with Bailey's is so good. I always pick up a big bottle to flavour hot drinks.

- doing some seasonal baking for oneself. I put most of the dough into small freezer bags of 1-2 cookie amounts to stop myself overeating it. Just thaw one bag at a time and bake 1-2 cookies to enjoy after dinner.
- other seasonal foods like stollen, pumpkin pie, turkey dinners, mince tarts

- cooking comfort foods like savoury soups, mac and cheese with curry and cauliflower, and tuna casserole.
- seasonal scented incense. I like cinnamon and bayberry
- advent calendars with daily treats. Can be edible, makeup, socks, and so on.

Thank you for these suggestions.

Normally I think I would do at least some of these things for myself, but right now, I am not feeling festive.

I am struggling at work and it's effecting me in my down time. I am really down on myself because of issues happening at work. I feel like burying myself under a blanket, hiding and never going back to work again.

Maybe come Dec I will feel a little more festive, but not now. I do like and appreciate the suggestions though. I cannot take a hot bath though. Not in my tub. That's one thing I cannot do.

But you're right - at least I don't have that noose around my neck anymore, and at least, I don't have to deal with fighting during the holidays. I can find my own peace.. so that's good at least.

It is hard when things are not going well at work. I certainly understand why you do not feel festive.

Thank you!! Yeah it’s not easy when work is challenging!

I have another thread on here regarding me getting a DUI last week, on Thanksgiving morning. Just awesome.

I am stressed out about this enough as it is, trying to figure out how to get to and from work without letting my boss know that I lost the right to drive my car for the next 5-6 weeks.

And, I realize that IF I were still with my husband, I not only would have to tend to MY stress over it, but I would also have to appease HIM and tend. to HIS stress. And then it would turn around to be all about HIM, and how stressed HE is about me possibly losing my job!

UGH. Thank goodness I am not dealing with him. My stress over this alone is too much for me to carry.

On the flip side, because I haven't had to deal with him that much since last June/July, sometimes I feel the abuse amnesia & trauma bond creeping back in, and I think, oh, it's too bad that could not work out because I enjoyed certain aspects of our relationship.

All I have to do is go on my abuse forums on Facebook and read the stories there about narc abuse to snap out of it. And it works! It's an amazing formula for resolving abuse amnesia and the trauma bond.

Immediately, I remember ALL the abusive & toxic behaviors and I come back to terms with the fact that all those nicer aspects were just sheer manipulations to keep me hooked, which is how they operate.