My people pleaser friend lashed out at me for being honest with her today

@jesyka, hi, how are you doing?
What did you decided to do in regards to your friend?
I told you in the other thread that you are the best to know if she is ghosting? You said you wasn’t sure.
I think you know it at this point in time.

Sometimes, it’s hard to put in the other person’s shoes and we want things made our way and people are different even the same individual is different under different circumstances.

I tend to use social vaseline if I have to say no to someone when the explanation to this “no” may hurt the feelings of the other person.
For example, I met an acquaintance who use drugs. I thought she was clean. She sometimes asked me to hang in up. I already did it but when I saw that going out with her, the probabilities to meet not very appropriate people were high, I’m rejecting her requests by telling her things like, yes, we must meet up someday, or I give her the excuse that I have to be with my partner. After a couple of excuses like that, she understood. She, of course, doesn’t know why and I feel bad because I don’t dislike her as a person. I have my reasons.

It’s needed to know to let go. Life sometimes is more complicated than to give a yes or a no for an answer.

I’m putting you this example so you can understand that I’m different to you. And I can see things the other way around.

I have been also rejected and what can I do? I’m not going to go to the other person to complain or to look for an explanation. They have their motives and all we can do is to focus on ourselves and move on. Don’t take this possible rejection as personal. Sometimes, people spend time together but each relation is different. Maybe, she can share some time with you but not always. She has a job, a husband, a sister to visit. We should understand this as well.

It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t important. It sucks. Me, as a person who has been rejected, just like everybody else in their lives, I only asked myself if I did something wrong in this relationship worthy to learnt about and move on.

If I say that I would give up with a person because I have no other option, the value I give to that person is few. This is not fair and maybe the other person may catch it up.

Jesyka, I’m not going against you or saying you’re wrong. Your feelings are important and I ask you for other considerations to the ones you’re exposing.

Many times it has nothing to do with a people pleaser. I’m not. Or passive aggressive. Passive aggressive is for example, cut any contact suddenly only because the other person who is the only owner of their own time, took a while to answer you and you made him known with an aggressive reply. (I’m putting an example, nothing to do with you)

Take a time as Discombobulated told you in the other thread and maybe made an appointment with her so you can know finally what she’s at.

My apologise for this long text. I wish the best for you.

I agree with Bill. Just because you did not say to her outright that you were attacking her, and possibly did not think in your mind that you attacked, does not mean that you did not send loud signals of an attack to her.

I also understand how you might feel that her telling you that you "do not understand" because you "do not work" is dismissive of you, and hurtful. So it appears that on both ends there are some hurtful communications going on.

Quote:

I just told her that I felt I was being ignored & I used ‘I’ statements. I told her that when I didn’t get a response to invites that I felt ignored & dismissed. I said that I’d appreciate a yes or no answer.

I had a friend who used the 'I' statements in very passive aggressive ways. Just because 'I' statements are used doesn't mean that what you said didn't come across to her as attacking.

It is obvious that neither of you is really compatible to be friends. Why don't you just stick with people who do exactly what you want so you don't have to continually complain about someone.

I would just leave her alone. If she ever wants to talk to you or make plans let her be the one that reaches out to you, otherwise you know exactly where you stand if she never calls you again. Let it go.

You complain about your husband, you complain about her, sounds like you are very practiced at being critical of other people whovdon't do or aren't exactly what yiu want from them. That is a good way to lose many people you might want to have as friends. It is a very negative attitude you seem to have when people aren't exactly what you expect them to be. They have a right to be who they are & if it isn't compatible with what you expect, don't hang around trying to change them. Go on to friends who are what you expect

I understand that people don’t always have the time to get together. What I was trying to say is that I didn’t like the fact that my friend stopped intiating plens & it did feel like she was trying to avoid me with her non responses.

I do like the people I mentioned enough to still be their friend. Especially this friend. I admit the ones in my small group are mostly avtivity friends. I find them to be mostly self absorbed.

Not this one. It did me some good to speak up as we talked on the phone & she’s not upset with me. She just snspped because she was tired she said.

We’re going to lunch on Friday. She works where I live. I think that my message got through to her. Snd we’re going to the concert I mentioned.

I don’t think the issue or the problem lies solely with me. I really do tend to attract self absorbed people mostly who only want to talk about themselves & who tend to use me as a back up plan when no one else is available which sucks.

I feel like I deserve better than that. On a positive note, things are going OK with two new aquaintences. As my bad luck goes, of course they have a lot of issues & limitations. It ranges from illness to money issues, can’t function in crowds due to anxiety, etc.

Ugh. I need to tolerate that though. I wish that I could meet people who didn’t have so many issues.

I’m not abrasive. I’m honest. I didn’t call her any of the things I mentioned on here. I only told her to not gaslight me when she accused me of calling her a horrible person as I never said that ever.

If being honest is being abrasive, then I don’t know what to tell you. What should I do? Lie? How will that resolve any issues?

I tell it like it us. I don’t b.s. My friend likes the fact that I’m real & not a phony. It seems like people tend to find honesty to be offensive which is a problem with them, not me.

I admit, I honestly have no problem hurting someone’s feelings when they mistreat & abuse me. Example, I called out that former mooch friend & shamed her to her face for being a user & a liar. How dare she tried to use my friend & I. She deserved what she got, lol.

Sorry to hear about your friend. Why didn’t you explain the truth to her? Please see my response to Divine as I don’t want to type out a similar response.

What happened when you were rejected? Sorry to hesr that. Things are fine with us again. I’m meeting her for lunch on Friday.

What about her acusing me of calling her a horrible person? I never said that at all. I wasn’t the one who made those comments. She did about me not understanding things because I’m not working, not me.

You misunderstood what I wrote. I’m not trying to change anyone. I just expect to be treated with more consideration, respect & like I actually matter to them.

I don’t like it when people act dismissive. Do you? I don’t think it’s to much to expect a yes or no answer & not have to wait forever for a reply for every single invite. It’s frustrating. Would you be OK with that?

I don’t like being ignored or flaked on. Why should I lower my standards?

I really don’t expect that much from people. As I said, I just want to be treated with respect & consideration & for people to actually ask me how I’m doing instead of talking about themselves all the time. It’s so rude & selfish of people to do that. Would you be OK with that? Probably not.

It’s like everyone on here thinks that I should settle for whatever I can get, ugh.

No thanks. I deserve to be treated better than that.

Other people have more unrealistic expectations of ME at times. Example, the friends from my small group have relentlessly harassed the hell out of me to be in group pics for years. I caved to often.

They know that I can’t stand to have my pic taken & that I hate how I look, but do they care? No, they are rude, selfish & only care about themselves! I literally said no 10 times or more a few times!

Then they rarely ask me how I’m doing. Then they make remarks & hints about diet, exercise & weight loss & one lady rudely gave me judgemental up & down looks for years as to say, you need to loose weight w/o saying it. To make matters worse, they all knew I used to ne bullimic, but do they care? No! Rude!

And I’m always expected to cater to their needs like accommodate their preference to meet early in the day or to only go to certain restaurants.

I had to change restaurants for MY own birthday because one lady in the group is a very picky eater. And she refused to attend my birthday dinner as she only wanted to be there for lunch & it also had to be outside as well! I didn’t even complain about anything btw.

I am so sick of people making demands from me but when I expect something reasonable, it’s like I’m the one who’s being unrealistic or expecting them to change. Weird!

So who us trying to change who now? Clearly it’s them. Clearly they are criticizing & judging me & disrespecting boundaries & my needs.

As far as my husband goes, he tried to force me to learn Hebrew to talk to his rude friends who would ignore me Most of them speak good English btw. He tried to force me to buy his mom a birthday gift & try to force me to be her friend. I didn’t force him to be friends with my mom.

He forced me to socialize with his rude friends & family up until 10 years ago. Clearly you are wrong about things.

Btw, my friend understood what I meant when we talked on the phone. We’re meeting later this week. And we’re going to the concert I mentioned.

You don’t need to lower your standards. You have rights to have friends who meet your standards.

Yet you continue befriending people who don’t meet your standards, according to you they are rude selfish self absorbed liars dishonest people pleasers passive aggressive disrespectful. List goes on.

If you have high standards, there’s zero reason to befriend people who don’t meet those standards. I don’t understand the need to befriend such wrong people, but then confront them and demand they change how they do things. I’d rather people hang out with me because we click and they like me, not because they are afraid of me being angry and confronting them. I’d feel very awkward if it had to take a confrontation and arguments to get a friend to spend time with me. I don’t think I’d enjoy it.

Why not look for people who meet your standards from the get go. It’s too much drama otherwise.

Whose do you think is the problem? Mine or her?

When I’m rejected I may feel hurt but then, I understand. People have the right to make their choices and they will show it in the way the consider more appropriate or they are more comfortable with. As I do.
That’s easy when you have a healthy self-esteem, are independent and have respect for yourself and others.

I have tried to find better friends. I don’t know why, but I keep attracting the same types usually.

A lot of people out there tend to be flaky, self absorbed, indirect, passive aggressive, and selfish, so finding other people who meet my standards is going to be very hard.

Idk about that. I’ll try to talk to her in person from now on & be a lot more careful with everything.

Although I agree SOME people are this way, it seems that you often perceive people to be this way even if they aren’t. Like you thought people were flaky but really one was sick and the other was in a bad financial scam.

You also complain that they have issues, but you yourself described having very many issues in all aspects. It seems to be a huge double standard. I don’t think it’s fair. You’ll have hard time finding people with no issues and no obligations readily available for all these outings. It’s unrealistic expectation.

Plus they might be embarrassed to admit that these outings are pricey. I make a decent living but I’d be taken aback having to to these bars and restaurants and concerts on a regular basis and now staying in a beach town.

If they have several friends and all want expensive outings, it gets pricey. It’s hard to admit especially if they aren’t close friends. Sometimes you just met them and you already want frequent outings. And as we get older many people save or invest substantial amount for old age. Expectation of frequent pricey outings might be too much. I’d give it some thought

Honestly if I meet people I don’t like, I’d rather be alone. It’s stressful. You don’t like them yet you pursue them actively. Imagine you’ve met a man you didn’t like and who didn’t meet your standards. Would it make sense to demand he goes on dates with you? All while you don’t even like him? Would you say because you can’t meet a man you like, you’ll just date the one you don’t like? Makes no logical sense.

It’s the same with friends. You don’t like them. So what’s the point

I’m not trying to change people. I just want people to treat me with more respect & consideration. I have given up on lots of people & cut them out of my life because I could tell that they don’t care that they upset me or inconvenienced me. It was all about doing whatever they felt like doing.

I see your point. I do try to be understanding & tolerant, but sometimes people push my paitience to the breaking point.

Example, talking excessively about themselves all the time. Maybe some of them are embarrassed to mention that they can’t afford to go out that much.

I don’t expect people to go to expensive places iften. Most of the places I choose are affordable. Example, the movie place I like to go to has $7.50 matinees. It’s $6 sometimes.

I don’t go to fancy 5 star restaurants. I have suggested going for walks or for frozen yogurt. I’m aware that most people I know don’t have much money to spend.

As for the beach trip, that was my friends idea. If she can’t afford to go out, then she should not even suggest such a thing.

I also expect people to go out with me every werk. I suggest getting together once every two to three weeks or once a month.

It seems like most people can go months with no contact though.

I don’t dislike my friends. I’m just frustrated & annoyed by some of their behavior like them being indirect, not giving me a yes or no answer to things at times, etc.

Am I expecting to much for wanting them to put in more of an effort to be reliable & respectful? I don’t demand that they hang out with me too btw. I don’t invite people out that often.

I just asked a few people to intiate plans more often as I felt like the friendship was one sided & I felt like I was bugging them by being the one intiating everything most of the time.

I have needs & I spoke up to get those needs met. It did work when I did that. Sometimes people are unaware of their behavior & how it affects other people

Maybe our communication styles might be to different from one another, idk.

Her indirect style tends to clash with my more direct style.

I guess I’ll just have to tolerate things even though it’s irritating to me at times.

I also am the friend who is the first to reach out, suggest plans, I think what it boils down to is that my friends are busier than me. They either have caring responsibilities, family responsibilities, busier social lives etc. I have some of those things too but not as many, I do get what you’re talking about wishing that it wasn’t all coming from me. Lately I’ve stepped back a lot, I’m not suggesting things so nobody does I’ve found.

I’m mostly focusing on myself, not in a self absorbed way but focusing on self care, getting jobs done at home, those sort of things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka Maybe our communication styles might be to different from one another, idk. Her indirect style tends to clash with my more direct style. I guess I’ll just have to tolerate things even though it’s irritating to me at times.

That is what TOLERANCE is all about. Maybe the others are just tolerating the way you relate to them.

Sorry to hear that. People make time for the people they care about. I often feel like I’m at the bottom of everyones list of priorities most of the time. I do understand that people are busy, but all the time?

She perceived the signals you sent as your calling her a horrible person, even though you did not explicitly said so. I suggest tuning in to her perceptions, at least out of curiosity which can inform your future behavior (not necessarily with this woman).