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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: California
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#41
Similar to your chiropractor thread, you seem to believe that your after-the-fact regret of a certain action you did back then somehow should translate into a change of the situation. It won't. You are asking the question WHY such and such did so and so, and we are doing our best trying to answer you. That you were the ONLY woman approaching the rock star ahead of the show is very telling and helps to explain WHY he behaved the way he did, which is the question you are asking.
The rock star did not possess supernatural abilities. He could have have predicted that many years later, you would regret "even trying to approach you" and based on that prediction, abstained from the behavior that, he thought, would be to your liking. I agree with @TishaBuv in that many women, of the type who frequent such concerts, would have found the behavior to their liking and might have responded to it in kind, but I cannot say for sure since I do not have first hand experience of any kind, much less of sufficient volume from which to extrapolate and make conclusions. Similarly, the chiropractor did not have possess supernatural abilities and could not have predicted that you would later come to regret telling him about the drunken incident. Not having made that prediction, he could not abstain from joking about the incident which was in line with you sharing it with him as something comical. We are trying to answer your questions as to WHY. You somehow did not accept the explanations even as working hypotheses and respond by saying what you now regret. I hope that you will be able to see that your later regret could not have been predicted by the rock star and the chiropractor who acted based on the observable data immediately before them and acted rationally. I assume that lewd gestures are typical in the environment you were in. You yourself described your dress as a low cut and tight top, but then, irrationally, you claim that since your cleavage was not showing, you should not have been noticed. Do you really at age 50+ believe that a woman would not get noticed unless her cleavage is showing? That is sort of besides the point in your case, though, because he might or might not have noticed your curves but likely noticed that you were the ONLY woman to approach the band before the show. I have not read your other threads and I was clear in my earlier message that I had not. I was referring to two threads I did read, about the rock star and the chiropractor. In the rock star thread, you wrote that you were married and asexual. There was no way for the rock star to perceive these qualities about you. You weren't signaling them. You said you had a crush on the rock star (I have one asexual married friend and I do not know enough about asexuality and based on what little I know, it seems odd to me that an asexual person would have a crush on a male rock star, but that is just a mention in passing). You responded to me on this thread in a way that was unappreciative of all my time spent reading your various threads about your husband and inability to work and trying to help you. I am not writing it in search for an apology (that is OK, really, I am not offended), but I am pointing out a lack of social skills that may be patched, as one closes gaps, by skills training. I saw that you a workbook on social skills was recommended to you and hope that you will find it helpful and actionable. Unlike you, I have had plenty of experience with men, most of them positive except for a few notable outliers, and I can tell you a lot about how to interact with men in ways that would be satisfying to you. You acknowledge that you do not have a lot of experience with men, that what little experience you have had has been unsatisfying, and yet you block ways to help you because when one expresses a view that diverges from your preconceived view, such as that the rock star harassed and assaulted you, you do not even try to see that divergent point of you. That is fine, but why, then, to use the crowdsourcing method of asking the WHY question? You can live with your own views. Nobody in any way interferes with that. |
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: California
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#42
And regarding your thread that I did not read about being a lifelong target of harassment, bullying, etc., I suspect that part of where you see yourself as a victim is a fruit of your imagination and part of it is true.
I do not dispute that your husband, who denies you access to healthcare, accuses you of everything including using too much toilet paper, and threatens to take your name off your joint bank account while you do not work and have no independent source of income, has been mistreating you for years. But the incidents with the chiropractor and rock star, which are the two incidents I did read about, are not examples of bullying and in particular of targeting you. There is a temporal element to bullying and harassment. They need to occur over time to be such. I do not see that you would have an appreciation of that dimension as you persist in accusing the rock star of bullying even though his familiarity with you was fleeting. So I do not see a point in reading the long thread about being a lifelong victim as I suspect that some of such characterizations, as is the case with your husband, are true, and some of them, as is the case with the chiropractor and the rock star, are not true, but that in the latter case you would not want to even allow that your characterization lacks foundation in reality no matter how many people, and possibly even in unison, try to tell you that you have mischaracterized behaviors as targeting you as a victim. I also do not dispute that you have anxiety, but what I see happening is that instead of attributing some of your reactions to anxiety, you proceed to characterizing the source of such reactions as being intentionally against you. You could have said that what the rock star did was nothing unusual given the milieu, but that you personally, individually, given the underlying anxiety disorder, reacted to that behavior with fright. There is a difference between saying that you felt intimidated and that the rock star intimidated you. In the latter, there is an element of intent which was clearly missing from the actual interaction. So you attribute missing intent. Similarly, there was no overt interest in you and yet you attribute such interest to him, claiming that you rejected his advances. According to you, the rock band was successful and the rock star was, well, a star. So he was probably used to admiration. According to you, the employee on the premises actually did NOT want prostitutes walking in. So it is not that the rock star was looking for anonymous or nearly anonymous sex. Yet, of all the hypotheses you have collected over time regarding the motives behind his behavior, the only hypothesis that you currently hold as viable is that he wanted a blowjob from you. |
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
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#43
I just need to interject: assuming other people replying do not have experience with being sexually assaulted is naive at best.
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TishaBuv
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Magnate
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#44
Quote:
And regarding @ArtleyWilkins' point, a good number of women on these boards have been assaulted or, more generally, victimized. My point above was that women who have been through ACTUAL assault, one they could not fight, one that resulted in a teared rectum, physical pain, venereal disease, etc., would feel disrespected and misunderstood if told that the incident described here is somehow on a par with the horror they went through, the horror that might still be haunting them. |
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ArtleyWilkins, unaluna
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#45
Quote:
I was attacked or pursued with attempts to assault on a couple of occasions but managed to escape and avoided actual assault by combination of sheer luck/strangers interfering/me running fast, assailant being intoxicated and me being in a good physical shape etc Not going to go into details but scary stuff. And it didn’t happen because I was seeking thrills. I lived in a lawless and rough place and these things happened on a way to work/bus stop/walking home from work etc I don’t think it’s fair to compare a performer making body moves on stage to actual assaults. |
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Tart Cherry Jam, unaluna
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ArtleyWilkins, Tart Cherry Jam
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Legendary
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#46
Me too, actual assault. The one minor incident I mentioned in another thread of yours involved groping our bodies (so qualified as assault legally). There was more and worse I don’t need to go into. It didn’t leave physical scars, but did leave emotional ones.
It’s complicated and everyone copes with things differently. I blocked it right out of my mind and thought less of it than you felt about this incident that happened to you. I don’t go around talking about it. When it happened, I didn’t tell anybody. If you insist you were assaulted, and you tell people the details, like you told us, they will all disagree just like we did. I don’t know how that serves you. But you can say whatever you want. You were also doing risky behavior going to sketchy places alone, drunk, and high on Xanax. You were putting yourself in vulnerable spots, then were offended when treated disrespectfully, and are still ruminating about it. This is not healthy. I hope you will discuss with your therapist and really delve into this because you are doing yourself harm. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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ArtleyWilkins, divine1966
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#47
There is something to be said about deliberately putting oneself into a dangerous situation. Seeking thrill and danger consciously or subconsciously. It’s definitely something to explore with a therapist.
I had a friend like that. Went to high school together and then kept in touch after. Gorgeous, talented and smart young lady. I don’t want to highjack or type a novel here but oh the crazy things she did! And it always ended up badly. Like very badly. We aren’t talking about singer dancing inappropriately. Real bad stuff. But she wouldn’t stop risky behavior. It continued all into adulthood. Last time I saw her was probably in our early 30s. I don’t keep in touch now but my other classmates do. She moved far and supposedly settled and don’t engage in all that. She had a neglectful uncaring mother and a known womanizer dad. I think some of her behaviors could be contributed to that. Something makes people seek danger. Interesting enough she was never surprised “oh why it happened”. She was very matter of fact like not surprised at all, almost like she knew it would happen but kept at it |
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Tart Cherry Jam
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Magnate
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#48
Quote:
should have been - he could NOT have predicted future regret - even trying to approach him |
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#49
Quote:
I mean, most of the time, it is MISSING, and i wonder if people are just insane. Thanks, Tart - i can die happy now! |
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eskielover
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#50
Quote:
I think since autocorrect and autocomplete took over our lives we always have to guess: what’s the person really saying? |
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Tart Cherry Jam, unaluna
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Wise Elder
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#51
Quote:
Also, musicians are commonly like that. They will gesticulate in crude ways and that's all a part of the show and act. They want the female attention. Many musicians will assume if you are up front near them on the stage, that you want this kind of sexual attention, like a groupie would. He did assume, but you still remained standing there because of your crush, so you can't really place all the blame on him. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Tart Cherry Jam
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Magnate
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#52
You can, but don't! Wait! We will be violently unhappy if you do.
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unaluna
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unaluna
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Poohbah
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#53
Quote:
I didn’t make the best choices. It’s hard to respond to situations logically when you’re frozen with fear. That’s why I didn’t move mostly. |
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Poohbah
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#54
Thanks. I wish that more people would be as kind, understanding, respectful, and empathetic as you.
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Poohbah
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#55
Quote:
I froze in fear. As for being asexual, we admire attractive people still like we admire a work of art. And we definitely still have feelings, just not much in the way of physical lust. You can google that if you’d like a better explanation We crave emotional & romantic connections usually. |
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Poohbah
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#56
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Poohbah
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#57
Quote:
I no longer know for sure what he was after. All I know without a doubt is that he singled me out of the crowd to harass me for whatever reason. What he did isn’t normal at all. I definitely detected hostility there & negative vibes. |
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Discombobulated
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Poohbah
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#58
Thanks. I appreciate you understanding my need to talk about this & to process it. I unfortunately can’t just let it go. I wish that I could. Being an HSP with anxiety issues sucks!
Last edited by jesyka; Aug 19, 2023 at 12:41 PM.. |
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Discombobulated
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Poohbah
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#59
Quote:
I have NO intention of ever trying to meet anyone famous again ever. I could literally be standing next to someone I admire now, but if that happens, I will probably move far away from them & not even look them in the eye. I don’t care how nice they seem, I refuse to ever put myself in a vulnerable situation again. These nasty people have ruined everything for me. I can no longer take any more stupid risks. There will be NO way anyone can ever make the wrong assumptions about me again. |
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Fuzzybear
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Grand Magnate
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#60
I’ve seen performers single people out before, often it’s part of the act, to entertain the audience. The last time I saw it happen it was an older woman singer who singled out a young barman- I felt very sorry for him.
No it wasn’t your fault, but I guess you learned a horrible life lesson through it. I agree sometimes it is good to process, and writing can be part of that, have you ever talked about this in therapy? |
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